What kind of man does this?

[rae_lana]

Maybe the wife knows and she is toying with you.

 

 

Maybe this is a kinky couple and she gets her jollies by having her H play with you. They could be swingers.

 

I feel like people here want to put those ideas in my head to fester.

I'll admit, it's worked. Since coming here I've been sick with guilt. I felt little to no guilt before coming and posting here and I don't regret posting here I need to hear some of it. It's changed my outlook.

But no. She's not playing with me, I know this situation better than anyone here and although that would make for a good twist.. It's not what's happening.

We are all just friends. We see each other every day. The only times me and him have a personal relationship has been through phone.. And that's died down tremendously and not anything excessive that would even be suspected by phone records unless looking back over a year.. And when we are physically alone it's always been when we had a total acceptable reason to be alone.

[rae_lana]

Rae:

 

 

You said your H is sexually attracted to you and that you have plenty of sex at home. You further stated that OM likes what is inside of you rather than the sex. What is OM doing that keeps you on the hook? What does OM say to you?

 

 

This is quite a different story. Most women generally say, "I never have sex with my H and when I do it is awful". It seems you are cheating for the sake of cheating.

 

Why do you go for a man that is less than your H? Does that make you feel less insecure?

 

I'm really not sure why.

OM obviously wants sex too and that's what we talk about most times.. We are both very sexually charged. Our pasts are very parallel .. Horrible things have happened to us and we both feel like only the other understands maybe? I don't know. We've revealed things to each other that we have tried to reveal to our spouses and been mocked for.. We always felt damaged and like nobody else thought like us.. Until we compared stories. We are both very very sexually attracted to each others personalities and thoughts as well as physically, that's the best way to explain it.

[zevahc]

My friend has been opening up to me about her husband the last few days.. Her husband is my OM .. Go ahead and attack me I'm used to it.

 

I'm not going to attack you...i'm more just curious how you feel? She knows nothing about the A, right? Can you offer her advice without being impartial? Wow..i don't envy you here! I can't even be around xMW, BS because I just feel guilty. I never wanted to hurt him..of course I've been the BS...I have no ill will..i just fell in love with someone in the wrong circumstance..

 

Just curiuos how you are coping and what goes through your head...

[rae_lana]

rae lana

 

IF your friend ever confides in you that she suspects her husband of cheating what will you say to her?

 

Will you try to convince her she is wrong?

 

Will you try to point her suspicions in another direction?

 

I try to always give her advice as if the affair isn't happening. If she talked about cheating in the past or if he would again I'm honest with her as if he's never told me any of the things he's told me.. If I compartmentalize the affair I can do that easily. If she outright asked if me and him were doing something.. I would lie.

I've actually been the one to tell her about rumours about him in town. I try to keep our friendship honest without revealing the affair. I'm sure it makes no sense to you.

 

I treat it as if its not happening.

 

I don't tell him things she says about him either.

Edited September 18, 2013 by rae_lana

[wwcrash]

I do not judge you in the least. I'm in a weird/complicated situation too.

 

My advice is that you don't tell your friend, and you pray pray pray that she never finds out. I had affairs in the past that were never discovered, and after this time being discovered, I realize the pain I've caused and would not recommend 'fessing up! It really hurts the BS!!! You are the one who has done the 'damage', now you have to live the rest of your life with that. Why hurt your husband and the OM's wife??

 

Another piece of advice, from an outsider's perspective, is to try to reduce your friendship with this woman over time. It will be easier for you, the OM (her husband), and less deceptive to her.

 

Just my two cents. Good luck. And please never cheat again!!

[rae_lana]

Do you realize this cold blood behavior makes you look like a sociopath? Not trying to be harsh. I just want you to have more awareness of what you do.

 

Absolutely .. Read my original posts I asked if I was a sociopath. It's almost as if I'm two people living two separate lives. I do feel tremendous guilt at times though so I don't know if that's possible of a sociopath but yes.. Something definitely wrong with me.

[red605]

It is easier to know what you should do versus doing it. It is like being stuck in a parking spot...YOU are the only one that can CHOOSE to put the car in reverse and back out of the spot. It is hard to do...the situation of highs and lows is confusing and hard to deal with. It is not always easy to do the right thing...

[The Way I Am]

Of course. I'm a paranoid over thinker I for sure have considered this. I'm sure it seems like that here because this situation seems like its dripping in drama and emotion

 

It doesn't seem that way at all. I guess it makes it easier to dismiss advice if you assume that everyone is picturing some soap opera drama. I'm not.

 

but in reality away from this board where I'm saying exactly how I feel, it's very controlled and calm.. Me and OM have never argued or even had negative words .. or done anything suspicious since the beginning, we are only alone when there is a reason for us to be, that might sound unbelievable but other than being in a bad mood at home sometimes nothing is trickling from the affair situation to the friendship situation.

 

I don't know why you think that's unbelievable. It's pretty easy to believe. And my suspicions that his W and your H are onto you have nothing to do with how many times you and OM talk, are alone together or fight.

 

I'll tell you what is hard to believe. That you and OM are both good enough actors to be so completely fooling your spouses. The reason it's hard to believe isn't that it can't be done by anyone. (Though it's pretty hard.) It's that BOTH of your spouses have said certain things that they wouldn't have if both of you were good enough actors to hide your feelings the way you need to. His wife realizes he has/had a crush on you. (You think that's in the past, and she's no longer suspicious but you don't know that 100%. And the fact she noticed at all means he wasn't good at hiding it.) His wife has noticed that he's grumpier at home. Your husband has asked you whether you're not in love with him anymore.

 

Since your spouses have noticed that you're both not happy at home, that means you're not good enough actors to hide the distance the affair has created with your spouses. So I just don't think you and OM are skilled enough to hide the tell-tale signs you're into someone when all 4 of you are together as a group.

 

Combine noticing that your spouse is unhappy at home and noticing they're always happier or smile more around one specific opposite sex person. Or you happen to catch just one overly fond look. It's not a big leap to put the two together.

 

I believe that you're careful about your contact with OM, but I don't think either of you are good enough actors that neither of your spouses even suspect anything.

 

If she suspected him of something she would tell me first. if she suspected me and him she would still tell me but word it as a joke.

 

Didn't she pretty much already do that when she joked about her husband having a crush on you?

 

Edit: By the way. I know people were telling you from the first day you posted that your spouses knew/would find out without having many details. It's hard to keep who said what straight. But I was not one of the people saying that from the start. I came to the conclusion that one or both probably already suspect only after you gave details of what your spouses have said.

Edited September 18, 2013 by The Way I Am

[rae_lana]

It doesn't seem that way at all. I guess it makes it easier to dismiss advice if you assume that everyone is picturing some soap opera drama. I'm not.

 

 

 

I don't know why you think that's unbelievable. It's pretty easy to believe. And my suspicions that his W and your H are onto you have nothing to do with how many times you and OM talk, are alone together or fight.

 

I'll tell you what is hard to believe. That you and OM are both good enough actors to be so completely fooling your spouses. The reason it's hard to believe isn't that it can't be done by anyone. (Though it's pretty hard.) It's that BOTH of your spouses have said certain things that they wouldn't have if both of you were good enough actors to hide your feelings the way you need to. His wife realizes he has/had a crush on you. (You think that's in the past, and she's no longer suspicious but you don't know that 100%. And the fact she noticed at all means he wasn't good at hiding it.) His wife has noticed that he's grumpier at home. Your husband has asked you whether you're not in love with him anymore.

 

Since your spouses have noticed that you're both not happy at home, that means you're not good enough actors to hide the distance the affair has created with your spouses. So I just don't think you and OM are skilled enough to hide the tell-tale signs you're into someone when all 4 of you are together as a group.

 

Combine noticing that your spouse is unhappy at home and noticing they're always happier or smile more around one specific opposite sex person. Or you happen to catch just one overly fond look. It's not a big leap to put the two together.

 

I believe that you're careful about your contact with OM, but I don't think either of you are good enough actors that neither of your spouses even suspect anything.

 

 

 

Didn't she pretty much already do that when she joked about her husband having a crush on you?

 

Edit: By the way. I know people were telling you from the first day you posted that your spouses knew/would find out without having many details. It's hard to keep who said what straight. But I was not one of the people saying that from the start. I came to the conclusion that one or both probably already suspect only after you gave details of what your spouses have said.

 

I agree with most of what you always say. I do think they notice we have a connection, I don't think it I guess, I know it, it's been states lots. His wife is more like my husband and vice versa as well. It's something we have all noticed.

The crush thing was a long time ago now, and she didn't just joke about it, it was something she really thought about and didn't like. He doesn't act like that around me anymore at all..

Seems like the vast majority of people here do think it would be impossible to hide something like this and it's just not. Of course they notice things, but nothing that would signal what has happened.. If I was to detail out my husband and his wife's relationship I can almost bet people would think they are having an affair too, and they are not.

[PhoenixRise]

I agree with most of what you always say. I do think they notice we have a connection, I don't think it I guess, I know it, it's been states lots. His wife is more like my husband and vice versa as well. It's something we have all noticed.

The crush thing was a long time ago now, and she didn't just joke about it, it was something she really thought about and didn't like. He doesn't act like that around me anymore at all..

Seems like the vast majority of people here do think it would be impossible to hide something like this and it's just not. Of course they notice things, but nothing that would signal what has happened.. If I was to detail out my husband and his wife's relationship I can almost bet people would think they are having an affair too, and they are not.

 

I believe you when you say his wife (your friend) and your husband may not suspect you two are having an affair....at least not with each other anyway.

 

Frankly that's what makes this whole thing so cruel and messed up..

 

His wife may have suspected him at some point of cheating, you say you told her about rumors regarding him, but she TRUSTS you. She sees you as a person who will tell her the truth. She sees you as a safe confidante. She believes you want the best for her.

 

She thinks you are her friend.

 

Even worse, you think you are her friend.

 

 

I say this in all honesty and not as a bash, unless you have some type of personality disorder, there is NO WAY IN HELL that you can give her truly objective advice about her husband that you are obsessed with. NO WAY.. There is no way you give her objective (to her benefit) advice about the man you feel "gets" you more than anybody else.

 

There is no way you give her the exact same advise/opinions that you would give to a friend whose husband your weren't having an affair with....unless you have some type of personality disorder.

 

Maybe it makes you feel better to think you are this woman's friend and that you are able to compartmentalize to such a degree that you can objectively advise her regarding her marriage while you are having an affair with her husband...

 

Your interactions with her, listening to her confidences, advising her about her marriage/husband have been purely self serving.

[underwater2010]

I believe you when you say his wife (your friend) and your husband may not suspect you two are having an affair....at least not with each other anyway.

 

Frankly that's what makes this whole thing so cruel and messed up..

 

His wife may have suspected him at some point of cheating, you say you told her about rumors regarding him, but she TRUSTS you. She sees you as a person who will tell her the truth. She sees you as a safe confidante. She believes you want the best for her.

 

She thinks you are her friend.

 

Even worse, you think you are her friend.

 

 

I say this in all honesty and not as a bash, unless you have some type of personality disorder, there is NO WAY IN HELL that you can give her truly objective advice about her husband that you are obsessed with. NO WAY.. There is no way you give her objective (to her benefit) advice about the man you feel "gets" you more than anybody else.

 

There is no way you give her the exact same advise/opinions that you would give to a friend whose husband your weren't having an affair with....unless you have some type of personality disorder.

 

Maybe it makes you feel better to think you are this woman's friend and that you are able to compartmentalize to such a degree that you can objectively advise her regarding her marriage while you are having an affair with her husband...

 

Your interactions with her, listening to her confidences, advising her about her marriage/husband have been purely self serving.

Exactly what I was trying to getting across. THANK YOU!!!!

[bentleychic]

Wait...what? BS is confiding in you, you're pretending to be her friend (yes, pretending b/c there's no one that could truly screw the husband of someone they truly cared about as a friend) and during those convos, you're telling YOUR MM's wife that there's rumors around town that he's having an affair and YOU are the one screwing him? Are you serious?!

 

I'm sorry, I've seen a lot of situations since I've come here, but I really cannot wrap my head around this one. I'm gobsmacked.

[rae_lana]

Wait...what? BS is confiding in you, you're pretending to be her friend (yes, pretending b/c there's no one that could truly screw the husband of someone they truly cared about as a friend) and during those convos, you're telling YOUR MM's wife that there's rumors around town that he's having an affair and YOU are the one screwing him? Are you serious?!

 

I'm sorry, I've seen a lot of situations since I've come here, but I really cannot wrap my head around this one. I'm gobsmacked.

 

No there is not currently rumours he's having an affair, that was in the past. And before me and him had anything to do with each other really.. More than in the group. But I mean if people say things about him that I would have told her if this situation was not happening.. I do tell her, and would again. In contrast if people say things about her or she says harsh things about him to me.. I do not tell him. I have separated her friendship from the affair as if its not happening at all. I'm not saying this is good.. I never would have come here if I thought it was. I intend for it to be over, I'm trying to cope and deal with this. I wish it had never happened.

[rae_lana]

I believe you when you say his wife (your friend) and your husband may not suspect you two are having an affair....at least not with each other anyway.

 

Frankly that's what makes this whole thing so cruel and messed up..

 

His wife may have suspected him at some point of cheating, you say you told her about rumors regarding him, but she TRUSTS you. She sees you as a person who will tell her the truth. She sees you as a safe confidante. She believes you want the best for her.

 

She thinks you are her friend.

 

Even worse, you think you are her friend.

 

 

I say this in all honesty and not as a bash, unless you have some type of personality disorder, there is NO WAY IN HELL that you can give her truly objective advice about her husband that you are obsessed with. NO WAY.. There is no way you give her objective (to her benefit) advice about the man you feel "gets" you more than anybody else.

 

There is no way you give her the exact same advise/opinions that you would give to a friend whose husband your weren't having an affair with....unless you have some type of personality disorder.

 

Maybe it makes you feel better to think you are this woman's friend and that you are able to compartmentalize to such a degree that you can objectively advise her regarding her marriage while you are having an affair with her husband...

 

Your interactions with her, listening to her confidences, advising her about her marriage/husband have been purely self serving.

 

I completely get what you are saying. I can't argue it other than to say.. Pretty sure I do have a personality disorder then? I've separated it like crazy and only since coming here did the emotions start really getting jumbled.. I don't regret that, I want it to be over and I need to hear this stuff.

I have had my eyes shut for too long.

 

I give her advice that I would any other friend.. and as honest as I can be I really do. I want her marriage to succeed and I don't think I've given her self serving advice but I could still be lying to myself. I admit that. She doesn't like sex, I encourage her to show affection and work on that like I would if shy other friend told me the same thing.

I don't tell him her secrets. Never once.

 

I do not tell him I love him or try to take his time from her. I really do not want them to be apart I don't want him to myself at all. I love her more than I love him I would be more devastated to lose her. That's the truth.

 

She wants a baby and thinks that will fix their issues, I've given her nothing but honest advice about that. When they discusses moving I told her to go with her gut, that home was wherever the two of them were together. I don't know how my brain does that but it does, I don't think of him as an AP when giving her advice. It's when I'm alone I think about it.

Edited September 18, 2013 by rae_lana

[rae_lana]

My entire life this is how I connected with men. With sex. I think me and this guy were so much alike and I cared about him so much as a friend and as the group of us four. And I was screwed up about it, I started fantasizing about him because maybe I didn't know how to just be friends and I thought it must be more I have no idea.

When he told me he had feelings for me I agreed and thought I loved him, I thought sex would just enhance our friendship. I didn't want to steal him from her or compete with her. Him and I seemed seperate from us as a group and from me and her. I wouldn't be here if I was fine with all this.

Edited September 18, 2013 by rae_lana
We were just friends for almost 4 years before any EA started and another six months to a year before it went physical.

[ComingInHot]

rae wrote, "I do not tell him I love him or try to take his time from her. I really do not want them to be apart I don't want him to myself at all. I love her more than I love him I would be more devastated to lose her. That's the truth."

 

How do you reconcile the above with Banging Her Husband then twirling around and giving her a shoulder to cry on when she says Her H is mean?!?

[rae_lana]

rae wrote, "I do not tell him I love him or try to take his time from her. I really do not want them to be apart I don't want him to myself at all. I love her more than I love him I would be more devastated to lose her. That's the truth."

 

How do you reconcile the above with Banging Her Husband then twirling around and giving her a shoulder to cry on when she says Her H is mean?!?

 

I think I can do it because I've separated the two in my mind and it worked for a long time but now the two sides are colliding for me emotionally and that's when I snapped out of the dream I was in.

I have spent my life fantasizing about different scenarios and I've kind of treated the affair as just a fantasy. It hasn't spilled over into our group friendship with them until now.

Coming here and hearing from other betrayed spouses had made me feel extremity guilty and reading other women's stories has opened my eyes to all the lines he said to me.. I realize our connections was maybe not a connection at all but him picking out how susceptible I was to this.

[rae_lana]

When I say I've lived my life fantasizing about different scenarios.. I mean just that, it was a way for me to imagine the life I wanted to be living so I didn't have to deal with the life I was really living.

 

This is the first time I made the fantasy reality. It was a huge mistake.

 

I have no family of my own. I don't talk to anyone I knew before I met my husband and I was happy before this affair. I just want to feel happy again and I don't want to lose my family.

Edited September 18, 2013 by rae_lana

[The Way I Am]

Rae, what I've been trying to get at by asking you why you still choose to worry about OM is that I'm not really convinced that you want to end the affair yet.

 

I'm concerned that you're saying you know you want to stay with your husband and family because you think it's the right thing to say not because you really know what you want.

 

You don't do very much to try to end the affair or to detox yourself from OM. You keep choosing to analyze what OM does and says. If you were really determined to keep your family and end the affair, you wouldn't keep asking yourself how OM feels about you, because it would be irrelevant.

 

Part of what's keeping you holding on I think is the hope that you can keep the affair going indefinitely and not get caught. Yes, some people can keep affairs secret to the grave. Maybe you can keep it a secret if you end things before someone discovers it. (I don't recommend that, because I don't think you can have a healthy marriage that way. But it is actually possible to hide infidelity if there is no physical proof and both people keep quiet.) But I don't think it's realistic that your affair will stay secret if you continue. I think in your the situation -- where all of you spend so much time together and both of your spouses have observed behaviors that are at least a first step in discovering an affair -- it's only a matter of time before one of them either confronts you and/or OM with a suspicion, catches you together, or finds some proof of your affair.

 

Have you been to a therapy session yet?

[velvette]

When I say I've lived my life fantasizing about different scenarios.. I mean just that, it was a way for me to imagine the life I wanted to be living so I didn't have to deal with the life I was really living.

 

This is the first time I made the fantasy reality. It was a huge mistake.

 

I have no family of my own. I don't talk to anyone I knew before I met my husband and I was happy before this affair. I just want to feel happy again and I don't want to lose my family.

 

 

You said a few days ago you had an appointment with a therapist. Hows that going?

[rae_lana]

You said a few days ago you had an appointment with a therapist. Hows that going?

 

I didn't have an appointment with a therapist only with my doctor who started me back on medication which I have been avoiding for years, and I asked for a counsellor referral.

[aliveagain]

You need to get into counseling like now. Affairs are all fictional, they are all about people pretending to be who they are not for their own selfish reasons. O/M's reason is to get into his best friends wife's pants and he will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear to get it, he's already proven he can. You have already proven that your available to him even if it costs you your marriage. His history should tell you everything you need to know about him. The things you've done with him that you found intriguing and exciting will one day come back to haunt you and disgust you. This is your soul and you journey and your the one steering the ship, the other man is the anchor holding you back. You need to cut him loose at all cost while there is still hope for you, be as blunt as you need to be to get your point across. Your wasting your focus on the wrong man.

[rae_lana]

What kind of medication?

 

 

Some of those drugs reduce the libido. They may also cause difficulty reaching orgasm. Be careful!

 

Anti depressants which I really have no intention to take because that's not my problem, but I have them. I would really rather just do counselling but I know I won't tell the truth in counselling so it may be pointless.

[rae_lana]

Rae, what I've been trying to get at by asking you why you still choose to worry about OM is that I'm not really convinced that you want to end the affair yet.

 

I'm concerned that you're saying you know you want to stay with your husband and family because you think it's the right thing to say not because you really know what you want.

 

You don't do very much to try to end the affair or to detox yourself from OM. You keep choosing to analyze what OM does and says. If you were really determined to keep your family and end the affair, you wouldn't keep asking yourself how OM feels about you, because it would be irrelevant.

 

Part of what's keeping you holding on I think is the hope that you can keep the affair going indefinitely and not get caught. Yes, some people can keep affairs secret to the grave. Maybe you can keep it a secret if you end things before someone discovers it. (I don't recommend that, because I don't think you can have a healthy marriage that way. But it is actually possible to hide infidelity if there is no physical proof and both people keep quiet.) But I don't think it's realistic that your affair will stay secret if you continue. I think in your the situation -- where all of you spend so much time together and both of your spouses have observed behaviors that are at least a first step in discovering an affair -- it's only a matter of time before one of them either confronts you and/or OM with a suspicion, catches you together, or finds some proof of your affair.

 

Have you been to a therapy session yet?

 

You are right. I don't want it to end but I'm aware it has to. And I'm not confessing to it and neither is he. I just want to stop the emotional and physical affair and just go back to pretending it never happened.

I don't WANT to want him, at all. I tell myself every day it's toxic and I have no contacted him but I do reply when he contacts me he already has today but I have kept it appropriate as if our spouses are reading them.

[aliveagain]

Anti depressants which I really have no intention to take because that's not my problem, but I have them. I would really rather just do counselling but I know I won't tell the truth in counselling so it may be pointless.

 

Than your f**ked, if you can't be honest with your counselor they can't help you. That means you will stay broken, your in control, get help or know that things will continue to get worse. I can't believe you refuse to get help, why are you here than, are you looking for our approval to continue your affair?