What kind of man does this?

[writergal]

Rae, you have taken some hits here. I admit your posts do have me scratching my head some. You stated you are posting here to help you not respond to him. I give you credit for that. We all struggle with what we should do verses what we want to do at times. There were days I thought I'd rather shoot myself in the head than not smoke a cigarette. I decided one option was as good as the next and put the gun and the carton aside. It's still hard sometimes.

 

I agree with those that find the situation distasteful. Maybe if Rae's posting experience here could be a little more positive, the attention here will be more appealing than empty texts that are destructive to numerous people. Anyone agree we should cheer her on while she admits his attention is hard to resist, but she is trying?

 

But the OP wrote that she loves the attention she's getting from him although she knows she shouldn't. So I think that's why it's hard for me to empathize with you OP, rather than cheer you on. You and only you OP can control your actions. If you choose not to, then the onus is on you; not your husband, not your friend and not her loser husband who is clearly playing games with you because he knows you like the attention.

[truthbetold]

Some of the hits have been good. When I first posted here I thought I was a sociopath or something because I felt little to no guilt about any of this.. I feel tremendous guilt every day now. It helps to hear what people say.

 

Although I'll admit right now, I have three texts in a row from him all being sweet and loving to me and it hard to not talk to him because I want to talk to someone and have nobody else I can about this.. So I could come here to distract myself and be judged left and right, or reply to him and have him tell me how wonderful I am.

 

Him saying that to me is starting to feel empty though and that's what I need I guess.

 

Rae, kudos to you for that. It's so much better than the whiny OW's that want this to be a safe haven of fantasy land. They know what LS is about and yet still want to change it instead of creating their own self glorifying blog smh:confused: Ls has always been a reality check. It may seem it's more support for getting out then staying in, but that's only because affairs are so destructive, soul destroying to yourself, not just others, and OW generally have the key to stopping that cycle of pain and freeing themselves to find happiness. If it was "so" much happiness they wouldn't need support they'd be well, happy. and it seems ludicrous to give someone pointers on staying through pain and a mess, if it's that's bad why torture yourself for scraps? I digress...

 

I won't reiterate the "disgust" because I think you get it, otherwise you would be defending and talking circles instead of doing some hard reflection on what brought you here.

 

Rae, you "want" to stop, then you do! Sounds simple because the action "is" but it's going to take action and choices on your part. YOU change your thoughts when he comes creeping in. Because guess what? You have the power to feed it or kill it. Maybe try the rubber band trick. When he texts snap your wrist, so maybe you will associate pain with the texts. Rudimentary psych but still, it may help in baby steps. Bottom line is if you really want to change, you do have the power but it's going to take effort and solid thought pattern changes on your part, you're not defenseless, you're not helpless, you're not weak by nature if you are those things, it's because "you" are CHOOSING that. YOU can choose different, baby steps Rae.

[writergal]

OP do you want your husband? Do you love your husband? Do you care about your marriage to your husband?

 

If the answer is "no" to any or all of these questions, then I can see why you enjoy the attention from your friend's extremely perverted and horny husband.

 

But you need to ask yourself WHY you're focusing your energy in the wrong direction (the OM's texts and your sexual affair) rather than on fixing your marriage with your husband (if that is an issue in this whole messed up scenario).

 

But if you have a picture perfect marriage, then I have to question your value system because your claims in your previous post that you would never have an affair or respond to attention from the OM don't hold water for me. I just don't buy it.

 

And like other posters have pointed out: if you want to change then the only person who can do that is you. That means ending your affair with your friend's husband and coming clean to your husband. Otherwise, carry on.

[rae_lana]

It is a basic way of letting him know that you are done with the affair. It is a small NO CONTACT text.

 

I'm aware of that.. It would be an empty threat since I've kept none of our communications though and I do not intend to ever expose this. I've never told him how much it's starting to bother me.. One time when I did mention I didn't think I could do it anymore was the time he said let's tell them then and just be together! I'm scared he'll throw me under the bus if I piss him off. That's the truth.

[AlwaysGrowing]

While sitting around with his wife and family

he knew it was getting me excited

Does he get off on seeing my facial expressions during times

But I wanted to really bad and almost did.

The difference is I know it's wrong

They are my best friends, I've been around his family lots over the last 4 or 5 years

They like me. I like them.

 

I don't know what you see here?

 

People you claim to love, will be devastated, you acknowledge this, you get turned on. You have to fight off this part of you.

 

Sorry but white knuckling it isnt going to work. You need professional help...someone who can help you untangle this abnormal thought process. There is nothing wrong in seeking help, destructive behaviour/thought processes are difficult to work through, as they are deep rooted and have many off-shots...years of work really.

 

Its not just uncovering those toxic parts of yourself, its replacing it with healthy skills/thoughts/...and implementing them, over and over...until they become a new pattern for yourself.

 

You don't just magically learn new ways to cope, you have to learn them. That is white knuckling won't work, it doesnt ever address what you need to do to self-care. Doing nothing different...you WILL fall back into old patterns....its all you know. And I am sure at one point in your life they helped you to cope....to a degree. Now....it doesn't. Time to recognize that.

[twosadthings]

324 posts and the common theme is - I'm bad but I wish I weren't, oh well.

 

It's easy to denigrate yourself when you have no intention of making any changes. What is it you're looking for? You certainly haven't received any support for the things you do or say. Posting here is not going to be the reason or cause of you doing what you know to be the right thing.

 

If you are honest with yourself what is coming next?

 

Twosadthings

[Red Wolverine]

I don't feel like I'm the victim in this and have not asked anyone to say or think that I am. I do love the attention from him.. You don't think that, you know it because I've said as much.

I like the attention!

 

I also get turned on by it.

 

I specifically stated that. That doesn't mean I'm happy about that. I want not to WANT it.. I want to be disgusted I want to be the person I was before it happened, that person would never have done this.

 

Oh no, you've said a lot. I have reached that conclusion more so by your lack of action to stop it. You more than like it....you NEED it.

 

Apparently more than you need your children to feel secure. I don't see you stopping this. It will be unrecoverable when it is discovered. Probably when and how you least expect it to.

 

Good luck.

[writergal]

I'm aware of that.. It would be an empty threat since I've kept none of our communications though and I do not intend to ever expose this. I've never told him how much it's starting to bother me.. One time when I did mention I didn't think I could do it anymore was the time he said let's tell them then and just be together! I'm scared he'll throw me under the bus if I piss him off. That's the truth.

 

Who do you want to be with long-term: your current husband or your friend's husband? You had an opportunity to come clean but you turned it down. Why? Because you want your cake (your marriage) and to eat it too (the affair with your friend's husband).

 

You know, you did this to yourself. No one held a gun to your head and said, "you must have an affair with your friend's husband."

 

Now you're worried he'll throw you under the bus if you reject him? What about how your husband and friend and their children feel? For once, think about other people involved in this whole mess (albeit indirectly of course) instead of just yourself and your needs.

 

The truth is, I don't think you care about the others here, but just yourself or you would have come clean and ended this whole thing. Methinks you have no intention of ending it until one of you slips up and the wife or your husband find your text exchanges or picks up on the flirting and body language signals when you're all together.

 

Shakespeare wrote, "alls well that ends well." Well, this "ain't" going to end well.

[waytogo]

But the OP wrote that she loves the attention she's getting from him although she knows she shouldn't. So I think that's why it's hard for me to empathize with you OP, rather than cheer you on. You and only you OP can control your actions. If you choose not to, then the onus is on you; not your husband, not your friend and not her loser husband who is clearly playing games with you because he knows you like the attention.

 

You are correct WG, she stated that she loves the attention and knows she shouldn't.

 

I very much believe she must have an emptiness she's not sure how to fill to want that kind of attention from someone like that. While my past actions weren't the same scenario as hers, it did start with that same emptiness. If you've either never felt that way, or felt that way but made better choices than she or I did, I'm truly happy for and admirable of you. I mean that sincerely.

 

That she admits something as embarrassing as enjoying the attention and recognizing that she should not, IMO is a person striving for higher ground. I'd like to see her get there.

[scatterd]

He is so close to getting you both caught. He may want that to happen that is why he is being carless. Tell him its over and not to call anymore. If this continues he will

do somthing stupid. You probablly will get thrown under the bus if his wife and your husband finds out. But stopping this is the the right thing to do.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I don't see RL caring much for herself at all!!!!!!!!!

 

I see a loss of Self Respect, Integrity, Pride (as a wife, mother, friend), Character, Self Worth.

 

RL acknowledges that it is destructive, what she doesn't acknowledge is the destruction to herself. To thine own self be true. What does RL see when she looks in the mirror? Who does RL see? Can RL hold her head up high?

 

It seems RL had a difficult time sitting with all these people who think one thing of her Knowing..what they believe..that she is SAFE, FAMiLY, FRIEND, are all lies.

[writergal]

You are correct WG, she stated that she loves the attention and knows she shouldn't.

 

I very much believe she must have an emptiness she's not sure how to fill to want that kind of attention from someone like that. While my past actions weren't the same scenario as hers, it did start with that same emptiness. If you've either never felt that way, or felt that way but made better choices than she or I did, I'm truly happy for and admirable of you. I mean that sincerely.

 

That she admits something as embarrassing as enjoying the attention and recognizing that she should not, IMO is a person striving for higher ground. I'd like to see her get there.

 

I'm not perfect nor claim to be. But the common theme throughout the OP's posts here is that she knows she's bad, but isn't doing anything to stop it because she's worried about the consequences.

 

Emptiness doesn't excuse this kind of behavior. If you feel emotionally empty, that requires you to look inward, face what is causing the emptiness and then fix it without creating havoc on the people around you. I know life isn't that cut and dry but when people choose to have sexual affairs while married I have little to no sympathy for those who choose that path because there are more mature ways to deal with problems. There's always a choice. Always.

 

Higher road? If the OP chooses to take it, she'll come clean to her husband and friend and will end the affair, and will accept the consequences (divorce and the end of the affair and the friendship she had with the wife). She'll get therapy for herself and stop placing the blame on everyone else except herself.

Edited September 21, 2013 by writergal

[HokeyReligions]

I just want something to click in side my head where I find him disgusting ..

 

Find HIM disgusting? HIM? !

[KathyM]

To answer your OP, what kind of man does this? A man who doesn't care about his wife or family. A man who only cares about himself and getting some cheap thrills that come from pursuing you right under the nose of his wife and family. A man who uses women and doesn't respect them. Why would you allow yourself to be used like this, and disrespected? Rather than being repulsed by this man's behavior, you are flattered by it. You find it validating somehow. You also feel trapped and unable to get out because of fear he will expose the affair. As long as you have this fear, you will continue in the affair. The only way to put a stop to this whole sordid mess is to come clean to your husband and your friend (the OM's wife), apologize profusely, and either work on rebuilding your marriage (if your husband will have it), or rebuild yourself on your own. Even if you were to stop the affair, to say nothing and try to continue the friendship with this couple would not work. You would likely get sucked back into the affair, and would never have a true friendship with this woman. You know you want out of this, but are afraid of the consequences of pulling the trigger. But you are going to have to, if you are ever to find any peace or satisfaction with any relationship. I would suggest counseling to help you find the strength to leave this destructive scenario if you don't feel strong enough to end it on your own.

[waytogo]

I'm not perfect nor claim to be. But the common theme throughout the OP's posts here is that she knows she's bad, but isn't doing anything to stop it because she's worried about the consequences.

 

Emptiness doesn't excuse this kind of behavior. If you feel emotionally empty, that requires you do look inward, face what is causing the emptiness and then fix it without creating havoc on the people around you. I know life isn't that cut and dry but when people choose to have sexual affairs while married I have little to no sympathy for those who choose that path because there are more mature ways to deal with problems. There's always a choice. Always.

 

Higher road? If the OP chooses to take it, she'll come clean to her husband and friend and will end the affair, and will accept the consequences (divorce and the end of the affair and the friendship she had with the wife). She'll get therapy for herself and stop placing the blame on everyone else except herself.

 

I really never took any of your posts as claiming to be perfect. You are 100% correct and then some, emptiness does not excuse the behavior. Not hers and not my past. Personally, I had to figure out why I would do something so awful to help me be better in my future. So I figured it out for me. I don't excuse myself on any level. That's my tool for recognizing the feeling if it comes along again, and choosing a different reaction in the future. There is no temporary or even perminate gratification that's worth hurting another person that hasn't infringed on you.

 

Chances are good you have felt loneliness, emptiness, etc. by your opinions of what another here has done, I'm guessing that no MM could have wooed you and won during the distractions of those times. I sincerely compliment you for that.

 

The character one shows during tough times is the best judge. There is also character involved in improving. I've done that and intend to further. Helping others if/when you can, I believe, helps character building.

[HopingAgain]

Rae, you do have choices in this situation. You are not powerless or a helpless victim. Does OM know about your history of sexual abuse? If so he is most definitely exploiting that knowledge for his own sick perverse pleasure. But yet and still YOU are no longer a victim and you are now wholeheartedly choosing self destruction. It turns you on to be with OM because you are replaying that victim role in your head punishing yourself. You do not have to destroy your own life and the lives of those you love. Find the strength inside of yourself to stop. If you've ever doubted you possess that strength I'm here to assure you it is there! Find the inner strength to improve your life and not destroy it Rae. You CAN do it!

[KentuckyGent]

Rae has to be trolling us.

[rae_lana]

Find HIM disgusting? HIM? !

 

I already find myself disgusting, thanks.

[rae_lana]

Rae has to be trolling us.

 

This is my reality, I wish it was made up.

[rae_lana]

Then why do you keep entertaining his filth, Rae Lana? You have choices. Are you sure he's not doing other women besides you and his wife? Do you want to contract Herpes? Think about that.

 

I haven't replied to him in a few days. As soon as I do I know I'll be sucked back in so I'm just not replying.

[writergal]

I really never took any of your posts as claiming to be perfect. You are 100% correct and then some, emptiness does not excuse the behavior. Not hers and not my past. Personally, I had to figure out why I would do something so awful to help me be better in my future. So I figured it out for me. I don't excuse myself on any level. That's my tool for recognizing the feeling if it comes along again, and choosing a different reaction in the future. There is no temporary or even perminate gratification that's worth hurting another person that hasn't infringed on you.

 

Chances are good you have felt loneliness, emptiness, etc. by your opinions of what another here has done, I'm guessing that no MM could have wooed you and won during the distractions of those times. I sincerely compliment you for that.

 

The character one shows during tough times is the best judge. There is also character involved in improving. I've done that and intend to further. Helping others if/when you can, I believe, helps character building.

 

Well I think the OP could learn from the tremendous amount of insight you used with your own situations, which is admirable.

 

As far as your comment about MM and their effect on me: I've been hit on by MM before during times of loneliness, emptiness, etc. but never followed through with their "invitations" because I made the better choice not to. Maybe that's hard to do for people like the OP, but not a difficult choice for me I guess. I dunno.

[LilGirlandOW]

My storys been questioned before, sometimes brutal honesty can appear as a troll, but if you have nobody to talk to it can help to just get it all out there.

 

I dont think RL is a troll, IME trolls dont stick around for this long, this many posts, etc, its a quick rise and poof vanish.

[waytogo]

I already find myself disgusting, thanks.

 

Rae, please don't. Dismissing yourself as discusting only leads to resigning to be disgusting, repeating disgusting behavior and living in disgusting results.

 

Call your past actions anything you want. Don't label yourself the same. You are a person with children who need the best you. Today and all tomorrows are all you can change. I really think you've been honest and endured every kind of opinion in effort to make now and tomorrow better.

 

If you didn't care, you would just do what you felt like doing and not open up anywhere. It wouldn't bother you.

[whichwayisup]

I was invited over yesterday to my friends house.. her husband is my OM for those that don't know. His family was there too, cousins and sisters, we all just hung out and had a fire.. No kids.

While sitting around with his wife and family he sent me texts that I looked beautiful, that he wanted to bend me over the kitchen table.. Stuff like that.. Sweet things, then raunchy, then back too sweet like, you have the best laugh... With his wife and family sitting right next to me!

I didn't reply, but he knew it was getting me excited (I hate admitting that but I was at the time) I was also incredibly confused though. Does he get off on seeing my facial expressions during times like this or why does he do it.. I have no replied to anything he's sent me the last few days. After I went home he asked if he could come over. With his whole family visiting his house! He wanted to sneak away to see me. Is he losing it? Or is it mind games to get me to reply?

I didn't. But I wanted to really bad and almost did.

 

Where is your self respect and pride? He is treating you like a piece a meat! He IS using you. God I just wanna shake you and make you see that you're pissing away your life, possibly your marriage for this scum bag! Sadly for you, they WILL be a DDay and you'll lose everything.

 

You are asking for trouble and playing with fire. You should have said NO and not gone over. Said you were busy. But no, you went knowing full well he'd try something.

 

 

Sweetie, you need to get counseling to help you rid of him. He's an obsession now and it's so unhealthy for you!

[happy stillmore]

You asked what kind of man does this. Well, a scumbag of a man (if you can call him him a man). That is real low. He is using you as a part of his sick passive-aggressive game against his wife. I feel bad for your friend. If you were a friend, you would do her a favor and tell he what he is up to. Sorry to be harsh but he is a jerk. It is one thing to have a relationship with a MM based on feelings. Another thing to have it be a game. Cruel.

 

Be done with this loser asap.