What kind of man does this?

[waytogo]

Well I think the OP could learn from the tremendous amount of insight you used with your own situations, which is admirable.

 

As far as your comment about MM and their effect on me: I've been hit on by MM before during times of loneliness, emptiness, etc. but never followed through with their "invitations" because I made the better choice not to. Maybe that's hard to do for people like the OP, but not a difficult choice for me I guess. I dunno.

 

You spared yourself and others so much not to. And you were right.

I'm such a cliche here to say I was sure I wouldn't. After going through that with possibly the least amount of scars of anyone here I can now say absolutely not a chance I'd do that again.

 

My conscience may look like my worst enemy some. I consider it my best friend and guide to be who I want to be. More like you

[AlwaysGrowing]

It's not about how this man is treating her....its how she is treating HERSELF.

 

RL, is not protecting herself, RL was the first person RL betrayed.

 

The saddest part is not having your OWN back. Letting yourself down, is a harsh reality to accept.

 

Its one thing to have someone hurt you, in their actions/deeds...quite another to be the one doling it out.

 

When the realization that you have moved from victim of abuse...to being the abuser hits you...its going to hit you hard...especially having been on the receiving end, to know that you visited that pain...on innocent people, children, friends, husband, family..is going to rip you apart. From there you will have to rebuild...anything less than honesty will be building on sand.

[HokeyReligions]

Rae has to be trolling us.

 

I hope that's true. But it might not be. There are too many Jerry Springer-ish TV shows out there exploiting this kind of behaviour and too many people of insufficient intelligence watching them and using them to inspire or justify their own abhorrent life choices.

 

The tragic thing is that these people breed and become poor role models for future generations.

 

The op received some good advice. She may be able to turn herself around for her own health and as a positive role model for her kids and for others who make the same disgusting choices. It doesn't appear she has the capacity to do that though based on her posts.

[truthbetold]

Rae, please don't. Dismissing yourself as discusting only leads to resigning to be disgusting, repeating disgusting behavior and living in disgusting results.

 

Call your past actions anything you want. Don't label yourself the same. You are a person with children who need the best you. Today and all tomorrows are all you can change. I really think you've been honest and endured every kind of opinion in effort to make now and tomorrow better.

 

If you didn't care, you would just do what you felt like doing and not open up anywhere. It wouldn't bother you.

 

Rae, exactly. I'm not sure if you saw my first post to you (it's a fast moving thread! ) but that's what I'm alluding to. Don't let your past define your future. Your past, and current fleeting thoughts should be "disgusting" to you. But don't let that keep you stuck. Self recrimination isn't supposed to be a way of living it's to motivate you to want to do better, make better choices.

 

Tell that voice that is telling you that you are worthless, to shut the eff up. Right now you can make better choices, not replying is a start, but you need to keep making better choices. Our choices DO define us, true. They make or break our character.

 

There's a story about a farmer and his donkey. The donkey slipped and fell into a hole. Try as he might, the farmer couldn't free his donkey whom he loved. So he decided a hard and heartbreaking decision, to put his donkey out of misery and start to bury the donkey. (I know, I was thinking the SAME thing when I heard the story but stay with me!) With every shovel full of dirt the farmer thought he was heaping another shovel of dirt to seal the donkey's doom. The farmer kept shoveling and now his back was turned as he couldn't bear what he was doing, but he kept flinging shovels of dirt over his shoulder. When he took a break and wiped his brow, he turned around and to his amazement his little friend the donkey was standing outside of the hole and looking at him. You see while the farmer was shoveling the dirt on the donkey, the donkey was shaking off the dirt and using it as stepping stone to climb out of the hole.

 

Life does throw dirt on us, it's up to us to shake it off and keep moving forward in a positive light. You can keep moving forward Rae, it's in your power. Stop letting this dirtbag to keep shoveling dirt on you and allowing it to define you and stay stuck. Use it as a motivator to climb out of this hole that you fell into. Granted you chose to fall into the hole, but you can now choose to climb out of it.

[rae_lana]

Yes I have terrible self esteem I always have.

 

Yes I love my husband, it's a family love, I don't have desire for him but I can fake that I do just like I can fake most other emotions based on how I think I'm supposed to feel and act. I've been doing that my entire life.

 

Someone asked if OM knows about my past abuse.. Only some of it, and he has a history very similar to mine, he was raped in the past same as I was, when we started this we agreed we both wanted to use each other.. Sick I know. But it's just gotten so deep.. I didn't mean to feel this way and I don't want to anymore.

[rae_lana]

"U drive me crazy"

"I shouldn't. I feel terrible. I want to be your friend."

"U can have both."

 

I replied and that was his response. I should have just stayed quiet now I'm kicking myself for responding.

[AlwaysGrowing]

And that is why I said...white knuckling isnt going to work for you. You don't have healthy tools in your toolbox, and without those..you will revert back to what you know.

 

Trying to go around this, avoid it, under, over, won't work. You have to go through it.

 

What is destroyed by the truth...should be.

 

You have to live in truth, and be authentic. It will feel like a weight has been lifted. Not saying its easy, not saying its not scary..its hard and frightening. The rewards..are a LIFETIME of a healthy YOU.

[LilGirlandOW]

The kind of man who does that is a narcassitic cheater.

 

The kind of man who does it over and over is a narcassitic cheater with an enabling, rug sweeping AP behind them.

 

Want the situation to stop, stop enabling him from contacting you (block his cell), also stop rug sweeping his vulgar texts (tell him one more and his DW will be forwarded them).

 

Unless he loves you so much that he'll give up his life and run away with you, that should do it. If not and he continues, expose and take your consequence bravely and rebuild from the rubble.

 

Your situation is not sustainable.

[bentleychic]

Haven't gotten past the original post. It honestly made me nauseous. You say what kind of man does this, but you also said it turned you on so...maybe you two are a perfect match.

[whichwayisup]

Yes I have terrible self esteem I always have.

 

Yes I love my husband, it's a family love, I don't have desire for him but I can fake that I do just like I can fake most other emotions based on how I think I'm supposed to feel and act. I've been doing that my entire life.

 

Someone asked if OM knows about my past abuse.. Only some of it, and he has a history very similar to mine, he was raped in the past same as I was, when we started this we agreed we both wanted to use each other.. Sick I know. But it's just gotten so deep.. I didn't mean to feel this way and I don't want to anymore.

 

Bolded part. ALL the more reason to gain more confidence and fix your self esteem issues by seeking counselling. You're settling for crap and it is hurting you, making you feel awful about yourself.

 

You have a great thing at home and to lust and chase after the bad boy is gonna mess you up so badly, you have no idea what is around the corner if you don't stop your behaviour, stop the A and cut this guy out of your life. That means ENDING the friendship with them both because it's unhealthy and causing harm.

[thefooloftheyear]

The way some of these posts read..This guy is the one in the old Chevy Van with the "Free Candy" sign on the side and the OW is the 6 year old getting lured in to see what he has inside...

 

sheesh..

 

TFY

[waytogo]

"U drive me crazy"

"I shouldn't. I feel terrible. I want to be your friend."

"U can have both."

 

I replied and that was his response. I should have just stayed quiet now I'm kicking myself for responding.

 

You messed up by replying. That's already done and can't be undone. What are you going to do now?

 

I hope you see by any/everything I've posted here, I'm on the side of a better life for you.

 

If you keep feeding that situation and posting how you did, you do realize support will be cut here, right? What understanding should anyone have here if you fuel it then whine about it.

 

There are even BWs here trying to help you. That's what I call class!

 

I've taken some hits for defending you. I thought you wanted better. Do you? Now I wonder if your posts are about wanting attention from anywhere, negative or positive. You can send me a PM if you need to hash through some things. If you continue to post any fuel you add to this fire, support here will be shifted to those that make true effort for better lives. Does that make sense to you?

[Praying4Peace]

Hi RL,

 

Here's a suggestion- dont wait for your feelings to change. You're really honest about them which is at least a positive. Instead just make a vow that you will change certain behaviors and actions. The feelings will follow. So try this:

 

Block his texts OR tell him one more text and you'll tell his wife (pick the option you can actually follow through with)

 

No more going to their house (make an excuse, heck pick a small fight with his W, anything!!)

 

Go to therapy (individual) or if you can't afford it find a hotline of some sort?

 

Start one activity that you've always wanted to do...some type of exercise?

 

DO this and you WILL feel better. But you have to want to feel better and go through hellish withdrawal symptoms to do so. Can you?

[rae_lana]

The way some of these posts read..This guy is the one in the old Chevy Van with the "Free Candy" sign on the side and the OW is the 6 year old getting lured in to see what he has inside...

 

sheesh..

 

TFY

 

Not how it is at all. I have actively chased him right back at times, I'm just aware that it needs to end now.

[waytogo]

Not how it is at all. I have actively chased him right back at times, I'm just aware that it needs to end now.

 

Then I have to ask, you replied to him for what reason?

[happy stillmore]

Rae Lana,

 

Half of the battle is identifying the problem. At least you are aware what you are doing is wrong, now just change your ways. Stop all communication. Now! This is a negative behavior just like doing drugs. Today is a new day. Your future will be better if you choose to go down the right path.

[writergal]

Yes I have terrible self esteem I always have.

 

Yes I love my husband, it's a family love, I don't have desire for him but I can fake that I do just like I can fake most other emotions based on how I think I'm supposed to feel and act. I've been doing that my entire life.

 

Someone asked if OM knows about my past abuse.. Only some of it, and he has a history very similar to mine, he was raped in the past same as I was, when we started this we agreed we both wanted to use each other.. Sick I know. But it's just gotten so deep.. I didn't mean to feel this way and I don't want to anymore.

 

At least you admit that you wanted the affair to happen. But are you posting here for attention, or because you actually WANT to do something positive about your situation?

 

And you're right. What you're doing is sick. Doesn't matter that you and this guy have a history of sexual abuse - that's just an excuse and rationalization for your behavior. Like I said in a previous post, life is about making the right choices.

 

You have terrible boundaries. You admit to being in a marriage with a man you no longer sexually desire or in fact love, and you have spent pages and pages deflecting your choices, whining about this guy texting you, and not taking in ANYTHING people here have posted.

 

I don't see any evidence that you want to change your situation. Period. I don't see any remorse from any of your posts and that is very telling about your true motives in this situation. Shame on you OP!

 

Acknowledgment that you know you want to end it is b.s. because you responded to his text now, so you actually don't want this situation to end.

 

Sooner or later you and your OM will be found out. I can only hope for ONCE you put your children and husband and friend and her children's lives into perspective about the extreme psychological damage that you've CHOSEN to do to them by your actions.

[writergal]

Not how it is at all. I have actively chased him right back at times, I'm just aware that it needs to end now.

 

Aware that you need to end it because it won't be any fun, once your husband and friend find out. Good luck with the fallout. I feel bad for your children. You are far from being a good role model for them.

[waytogo]

Rae Lana,

 

Half of the battle is identifying the problem. At least you are aware what you are doing is wrong, now just change your ways. Stop all communication. Now! This is a negative behavior just like doing drugs. Today is a new day. Your future will be better if you choose to go down the right path.

 

You are saying the right thing. Rae, listen to this person over my last post. I did feel frustrated. Exception, you are welcome to PM me. I'm not a recruiter, religious or otherwise. I'm a person who has knocked my head against some pretty stupid walls, that I would spare anyone if I could.

[writergal]

Some of the hits have been good. When I first posted here I thought I was a sociopath or something because I felt little to no guilt about any of this.. I feel tremendous guilt every day now. It helps to hear what people say.

 

Although I'll admit right now, I have three texts in a row from him all being sweet and loving to me and it hard to not talk to him because I want to talk to someone and have nobody else I can about this.. So I could come here to distract myself and be judged left and right, or reply to him and have him tell me how wonderful I am.

 

Him saying that to me is starting to feel empty though and that's what I need I guess.

 

You post this admission of guilt yet then you go on to gush about him texting you and then you later admit to responding to his texts in this thread.

 

Honestly OP, did you really think you wouldn't be judged for this situation that you admit you sought out with the other man? You both wanted it and you had no guilt about doing it; no guilt about hurting the other people involved (spouses, children).

 

Where is your remorse?

[truthbetold]

If you have any heart at all; which i don't think you do, you need to come clean with your husband and your friend. I doubt very much you do this. You are extremely selfish and it sickens me to read your post.

 

 

You realize that this will only promote more self loathing, and what is that going to accomplish? Look, I am neither OW or BS I'm someone who wants women to stop doing damage to themselves and others and find a happier future be it alone (yes it's quite possible) or find a decent man with honorable character (also living it so it's possible.)

 

But this and "some" other sanctimonious OW who are throwing even more dirt while ameliorating themselves by telling themselves that they are SO much better or better yet their scum of a MM are upstanding models of society, meanwhile it's the farthest from the truth. Even if someone's MM is "only" cheating on the wife therefore the OW can't see her pain in person, and he may or may not talk smack about his wife makes that OW situation NO BETTER. Just different, but certainly not better. Newsflash: there are no degrees of cheating, interesting the rationalizations that make some think there are.

 

If you are so disgusted by the post, what is it going to accomplish by stating that? I get it I do, there's a few here that the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top, so I simply refrain from commenting, as I'm sure it's all going to blow up in due time. It's the only logical conclusion based on what they've posted.

 

She's asking for help on how to get out, I for one am going to look past the behavior (sin) and try to help her. Hate the sin, love the sinner.

 

Rae, I agree with Waytogo. What do you want here? Patience is going to wear thin. There are people genuinely taking time out to help you, what steps are you going to take to stop feeding the obsession. Starve the obsession and it will die, that is guaranteed, when will you start?

[writergal]

You realize that this will only promote more self loathing, and what is that going to accomplish? Look, I am neither OW or BS I'm someone who wants women to stop doing damage to themselves and others and find a happier future be it alone (yes it's quite possible) or find a decent man with honorable character (also living it so it's possible.)

 

But this and "some" other sanctimonious OW who are throwing even more dirt while ameliorating themselves by telling themselves that they are SO much better or better yet their scum of a MM are upstanding models of society, meanwhile it's the farthest from the truth. Even if someone's MM is "only" cheating on the wife therefore the OW can't see her pain in person, and he may or may not talk smack about his wife makes that OW situation NO BETTER. Just different, but certainly not better. Newsflash: there are no degrees of cheating, interesting the rationalizations that make some think there are.

 

If you are so disgusted by the post, what is it going to accomplish by stating that? I get it I do, there's a few here that the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top, so I simply refrain from commenting, as I'm sure it's all going to blow up in due time. It's the only logical conclusion based on what they've posted.

 

She's asking for help on how to get out, I for one am going to look past the behavior (sin) and try to help her. Hate the sin, love the sinner.

 

Rae, I agree with Waytogo. What do you want here? Patience is going to wear thin. There are people genuinely taking time out to help you, what steps are you going to take to stop feeding the obsession. Starve the obsession and it will die, that is guaranteed, when will you start?

 

I think why MY patience with the OP has worn thin is because I was friends with a woman for a few years who spent over a year in an affair. She would play me voicemails that her OM's wife left on her cellphone (!) and laugh about it, which really bothered me. My friend's ex-husband found out about her affair (when he was still married to my friend because he found a printed out email), and then plastered flyers all over their small town about it, to the point where my friend had to get a new job in the city where I live as did her lover. The two of them carried on their affair, going on vacations together, you name it, they did it together. My friend has two children and her lover has three children. My friend's lack of empathy for her lover's betrayed spouse, and refusal to acknowledge that she started the affair due to boredom in her marriage is why I'm coming down hard on the OP, because the OP's attitude is similar to my friend's. It took a lot of coaching and ultimatums from myself and other friends before our friend gave up her lover, got her sh*t together, apologized to her ex-husband and children, and is now in a relationship with a single man.

 

When I read/hear/see women pursuing affairs with MM I get frustrated because life is about making the right choice. Granted, mistakes happen. But the OP admits that she wanted this affair to happen and now, just maybe, she wants out but she hasn't posted anything about her plan to get out of the affair, or posted any guilt or remorse she may have about how this effects the others (husband, children, and her friend the wife of her lover).

[truthbetold]

[/b]

 

I think why MY patience with the OP has worn thin is because I was friends with a woman for a few years who spent over a year in an affair. She would play me voicemails that her OM's wife left on her cellphone (!) and laugh about it, which really bothered me. My friend's ex-husband found out about her affair (when he was still married to my friend because he found a printed out email), and then plastered flyers all over their small town about it, to the point where my friend had to get a new job in the city where I live as did her lover. The two of them carried on their affair, going on vacations together, you name it, they did it together. My friend has two children and her lover has three children. My friend's lack of empathy for her lover's betrayed spouse, and refusal to acknowledge that she started the affair due to boredom in her marriage is why I'm coming down hard on the OP, because the OP's attitude is similar to my friend's. It took a lot of coaching and ultimatums from myself and other friends before our friend gave up her lover, got her sh*t together, apologized to her ex-husband and children, and is now in a relationship with a single man.

 

When I read/hear/see women pursuing affairs with MM I get frustrated because life is about making the right choice. Granted, mistakes happen. But the OP admits that she wanted this affair to happen and now, just maybe, she wants out but she hasn't posted anything about her plan to get out of the affair, or posted any guilt or remorse she may have about how this effects the others (husband, children, and her friend the wife of her lover).

 

That's awful, truly awful to laugh at someone else's pain. It's like the OW who will write about how disgusting the wife is and how much prettier, sexier etc etc that they are. All it proves in both cases is not only how shallow your friend and those types of OW are, but also equally how sad, empty and miserable they are inside, though they try to put on a poker face to the outside world. Hint: their post give them away and fool no one but themselves.

 

That said, I see the OP "trying" maybe in a flailing way that doesn't truly want help and just wants attention, hard to say but recently texting him was another bad choice. She can continue to make bad choices or she can start to make good ones and change the definition of her character.

 

I believe change is possible but you have to first recognize it, then set out a plan to achieve it, she's at the first stage. Maybe since I haven't read her backstory so maybe I am giving her too much credit for wanting to continue on a path to the second step.

[rae_lana]

I would never laugh about my friend. I care very much about her.

 

Thanks for the help I guess, I just don't think I can explain myself at all, anything sounds like an excuse.

 

He's messed up and needs help I think and so do I but we are not horrible people. I'm not sure I could ever change, and no, I'm not going to confess, I'm going to just tell him we can't be together outside get group of us anymore. It has to stop,

[rae_lana]

You realize that this will only promote more self loathing, and what is that going to accomplish? Look, I am neither OW or BS I'm someone who wants women to stop doing damage to themselves and others and find a happier future be it alone (yes it's quite possible) or find a decent man with honorable character (also living it so it's possible.)

 

But this and "some" other sanctimonious OW who are throwing even more dirt while ameliorating themselves by telling themselves that they are SO much better or better yet their scum of a MM are upstanding models of society, meanwhile it's the farthest from the truth. Even if someone's MM is "only" cheating on the wife therefore the OW can't see her pain in person, and he may or may not talk smack about his wife makes that OW situation NO BETTER. Just different, but certainly not better. Newsflash: there are no degrees of cheating, interesting the rationalizations that make some think there are.

 

If you are so disgusted by the post, what is it going to accomplish by stating that? I get it I do, there's a few here that the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top, so I simply refrain from commenting, as I'm sure it's all going to blow up in due time. It's the only logical conclusion based on what they've posted.

 

She's asking for help on how to get out, I for one am going to look past the behavior (sin) and try to help her. Hate the sin, love the sinner.

 

Rae, I agree with Waytogo. What do you want here? Patience is going to wear thin. There are people genuinely taking time out to help you, what steps are you going to take to stop feeding the obsession. Starve the obsession and it will die, that is guaranteed, when will you start?

 

I'm ok with some people passing judgment a year a go I might have done the same. I appreciate everything you've said. I can choose to stop the affair and I'm taking steps, I've never done this before, I can't and won't go no contact with them. I just can't. I don't want to I guess. Not because of him but because of her. I'm friends with her separate from this. I don't think of him like the same guy when I'm with her, I just lived it two separate ways!

 

I just have to figure out a way to end it amicably. And go to individual counselling.