What kind of man does this?

[rae_lana]

Our kids were not planned, and they are just over a year apart in age. I don't regret having kids, I regret who I had them with. Me and my husband have been together almost a decade.

 

But.. And this is why I say I KNOW there would be no chance for reconciliation with him.. We have been married less than a year.

 

We got married AFTER the affair started. I know. That's the worst part. I never wanted to say it outloud. I thought it wouldn't continue after.. I told my husband I didn't want to get married, be knew that but convinced me and I went along with it like everything else.

[rae_lana]

Yes, yes, that's clear from all of your threads.

 

But why do you keep posting here for support since you've stated that you have no intention of stopping the affair. I mean, you just spent the night with him yet again, while your husband and children are away.

 

You can't honestly expect us to believe you want to stop the affair after reading that. Can you?

 

So why continue to post here? Wouldn't you be better off in a therapist's office or support group for people with sex addiction or joining a group of people who have living room orgies with other bisexual people? The world is your oyster where that lifestyle is concerned.

 

I keep posting here because as soon as I stop talking to somebody about it I start talking to HIM about it.

 

This is keeping me from contacting him.

 

There are lots of websites and places I could do that other than here I know.. But they find it sexy or daring or basically porn on other sites. As hard as it is to be judged and hear these things I need to hear them.

[bentleychic]

Wow.

 

 

 

(not enough letters)

[aliveagain]

My kids were not home. They've never been in my care when anything inappropriate has happened. I said its a line I'm sure I would have eventually crossed, but haven't yet and that's why I know I need to get my head on straight.

 

You still haven't replied to my question about your affair partner disrespecting your husband and humiliating him and you allow it and it arouses you. Do you not question your love for your husband when you can so easily do this to him? You will have to try and explain this to someone one day.

[AlwaysGrowing]

RL, a good mother would have been in contact with her children, or doing something for the family, not spending the day relaying childish texts from a man child. A good mother would allow no harm to come to her children, especially emotional harm ...at her hands no less.

 

You can compartmentalized til the cows come home...bottom line is you spend most of your emotional energy on mm. What exactly do you have to give to your children....let alone your husband.

 

We all have a finite amount of emotional reserves...and you spend every drop on yourself and mm. To have this mm suggest that your husband would stand back and allow his children to be raised by mm, in an open relationship lifestyle is ridiculous. So far fetched in fact....that not only would that not happen..YOU WOULD LOSE VISITATION. The courts have no issue in protecting children if their parents are unwilling.

[rae_lana]

You still haven't replied to my question about your affair partner disrespecting your husband and humiliating him and you allow it and it arouses you. Do you not question your love for your husband when you can so easily do this to him? You will have to try and explain this to someone one day.

 

Absolutely! I question my love for him all the time. I have for years.

 

Even to him. I told him when I got pregnant the first time we should raise bed separately because we were not compatible. He's a great guy .. In lots of ways, and cruel and mean in others.. Like lots of people can be. We have screaming fights, he belittles me and calls me a slut... All long before I ever even considered being unfaithful to him .. He calls me those things because I tell him what I want or need. So I shoved it down and stopped telling anyone.

He can also be very sweet and convincing. His family has a lot of money.

 

I have no family.

 

He said nobody could take care of me like he could and I know he's right. So I stayed. My kids deserved a family and where was I going to end up otherwise? And I love lots about my husband I stayed because he's a good guy.

 

I didn't think of the pictures and texts as humiliating them.

 

I didn't think of it like that but I understand now.

 

We never spoke bad about our spouses to each other.. We both knew the bad things from seeing them first hand, so I felt like I was defending him just by not talking bad about him.

 

He deserves better than me. I deserve better than him too but it was me that ****ed everything up. Me alone.

[rae_lana]

RL, a good mother would have been in contact with her children, or doing something for the family, not spending the day relaying childish texts from a man child. A good mother would allow no harm to come to her children, especially emotional harm ...at her hands no less.

 

You can compartmentalized til the cows come home...bottom line is you spend most of your emotional energy on mm. What exactly do you have to give to your children....let alone your husband.

 

We all have a finite amount of emotional reserves...and you spend every drop on yourself and mm. To have this mm suggest that your husband would stand back and allow his children to be raised by mm, in an open relationship lifestyle is ridiculous. So far fetched in fact....that not only would that not happen..YOU WOULD LOSE VISITATION. The courts have no issue in protecting children if their parents are unwilling.

 

Ok and this is exactly why I came here. Because before this happened I was 100 percent a wife and mother who had this other crazy life kept neatly inside my head. Secrets and fantasies and a life I had made up as a teenager I guess but it was all tucked away but I always knew I'd crack somehow and something would happen.

 

I just want to go back to the mother I was before this but everyone's right, I would need to do that without my husband now because I can't just keep this inside forever.

I want to be a good mom again it's all I ever wanted to be.

Two of my "kids" aren't even my kids though they are his siblings I raised, I wouldn't get to see them again.

[aliveagain]

Your actions speak a lot more than your words, you still allowed it to happen and in your own home I'm guessing. That act alone speaks volumes about your true feelings towards your husband. By not saying anything your allowing O/M to trash him, that's a form of acceptance. Staying because of lifestyle is so wrong and on so many levels, end the marriage or end the affair, this is getting out of hand. Your boyfriend is going to bring some serious harm to you.

[writergal]

Okay so let me get this straight. You started your affair while you were just dating your husband, whom you were dating for a decade before you got married last year?

 

To summarize:

 

10 years dating

1 year married

1 year affair (?)

 

2 biological children

2 step children

 

Husband's family is rich

OP has no family, OP has job though

So file for divorce and collect alimony and child support to maintain your lifestyle.

 

Husband has great qualities but is verbally abusive to OP. Husband forced OP to marry him.

No one can force you to do anything you don't want to do. Sorry. And uh, your husband verbally abuses you? That negates his economic wealth.

 

OP is bisexual but hides that from her husband (and everyone else in her life?)

Did you just suddenly become bisexual or have you been this way always?Why hide it in a traditional marriage when you don't want to be in a traditional marriage except for the financial safety and two biological children whom you clearly don't prioritize in your life, b/c you are home alone with MM while your husband and children are away. Time to re-prioritize your life if you want to genuinely change.

 

OP wants to end affair but won't do it b/c she values the OM's company

You've written that in all 12 of your threads so its just a restatement

 

OM cheated on OP with other women while he's still married to his wife

Also a restatement of what you've written in your threads about the MM

 

Get divorced. For the sake of your children. Collect alimony and child support. Keep your job. Go to therapy. Or...do nothing.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Replaying teenage fantasies speaks to emotional maturity.

 

I think it has been said before, that you are stuck in a certain time in your life in your psyche. That you lied in therapy. So nothing changed. Nothing does...without TRUTH.

 

I can't help but think, how your views of your life would change, if you had committed to therapy years ago. Would your husband be "not understanding", or would you view him as a man who truly loves you and the fact that you want to degrade yourself....let alone...ask him to help, should in fact...send him reeling. You are the mother of his children...his lifemate.

[Iamhisflower]

Rae, I don't know if I want to shake you or hug you. Please get IC and be honest about everything. Get healthy for yourself and your kids.

 

The way you describe the bond with your bf's husband, is like to addicts making excuses to continue their bad behaviour. C'mon, you have nothing healthy in common. Your past needs to be dealt with now!

[bentleychic]

I agree about IC and being honest. They cannot help you if you are lying to them.

[stillafool]

So from what I get out of this is a woman who is staying with a man she doesn't love for the money. You don't want to work so it is easier for you to have sex with a man you don't love and have an affair with your best friends husband. You come to this forum to tell people of your dirty deeds with this OM to somehow relieve your guilt (because its eating you up inside and rightfully so). You pretend you are going to end the affair on LS; but you know you won't because it is the only exciting thing in your life. If you want to have an open relationship be woman enough to divorce your husband, GO TO WORK, and support yourself. It's not a matter of taking the kids from their dad because you can't. He has rights too. You will receive child support but you need to get to work. As far as seeing your husbands brother and sister goes, you can also see them after you divorce. You would be divorcing your husband not them. Stop making stupid excuses and divorce your husband. Don't wait for the OM to make a move first because when it comes down to it, he won't leave her for you.

[aliveagain]

So from what I get out of this is a woman who is staying with a man she doesn't love for the money. You don't want to work so it is easier for you to have sex with a man you don't love and have an affair with your best friends husband. You come to this forum to tell people of your dirty deeds with this OM to somehow relieve your guilt (because its eating you up inside and rightfully so). You pretend you are going to end the affair on LS; but you know you won't because it is the only exciting thing in your life. If you want to have an open relationship be woman enough to divorce your husband, GO TO WORK, and support yourself. It's not a matter of taking the kids from their dad because you can't. He has rights too. You will receive child support but you need to get to work. As far as seeing your husbands brother and sister goes, you can also see them after you divorce. You would be divorcing your husband not them. Stop making stupid excuses and divorce your husband. Don't wait for the OM to make a move first because when it comes down to it, he won't leave her for you.

 

stillafool, you pretty much nailed it, this is rae_lana, lets see if she is truthful enough to acknowledge it. My guess is the cost to O/M to divorce his wife may be too prohibitive. O/M may be looking to rae_lana to do well in her divorce so he can benefit. I'm sure the thought of living in a cardboard box after all the dust settles is what's keeping him married to his wife. I think O/M is just plain lying to rae_lana to keep her in the game, she's meeting some sick need in him at the cost of her family.

[rae_lana]

So from what I get out of this is a woman who is staying with a man she doesn't love for the money. You don't want to work so it is easier for you to have sex with a man you don't love and have an affair with your best friends husband. You come to this forum to tell people of your dirty deeds with this OM to somehow relieve your guilt (because its eating you up inside and rightfully so). You pretend you are going to end the affair on LS; but you know you won't because it is the only exciting thing in your life. If you want to have an open relationship be woman enough to divorce your husband, GO TO WORK, and support yourself. It's not a matter of taking the kids from their dad because you can't. He has rights too. You will receive child support but you need to get to work. As far as seeing your husbands brother and sister goes, you can also see them after you divorce. You would be divorcing your husband not them. Stop making stupid excuses and divorce your husband. Don't wait for the OM to make a move first because when it comes down to it, he won't leave her for you.

 

I'm sure it sounds like that but that's not it at all. I'm not with him because of money.. He used money as the reason we should stay together when I got pregnant the first time and tried to separate. We were broke when we first hot together and everything we have I helped achieve so its not about the money for me.

Law wise here marriage doesn't make much difference because we were common law before as said I do anyway.

 

No he didn't force me to marry him, he convinced me it was the right thing to do so I did it.

 

I do love him! But like I said its not the kind of love a wife has for a husband.

 

Also.. I DO work. My husband would prefer I did not.

[rae_lana]

stillafool, you pretty much nailed it, this is rae_lana, lets see if she is truthful enough to acknowledge it. My guess is the cost to O/M to divorce his wife may be too prohibitive. O/M may be looking to rae_lana to do well in her divorce so he can benefit. I'm sure the thought of living in a cardboard box after all the dust settles is what's keeping him married to his wife. I think O/M is just plain lying to rae_lana to keep her in the game, she's meeting some sick need in him at the cost of her family.

 

You are wrong about the dynamic here. They both make their own money and keep it completely separate from each other. Money is not an issue in this situation, it's not the consideration for anyone here..

 

He's more likely to leave her than I am to leave my husband.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I do love him! But like I said its not the kind of love a wife has for a husband.

 

 

And what do you think that love looks/feels like?

 

Do you understand how love works?

 

Do you know the difference between lust and love?

 

PS....you already have left your husband.

[rae_lana]

I do love him! But like I said its not the kind of love a wife has for a husband.

 

 

And what do you think that love looks/feels like?

 

Do you understand how love works?

 

Do you know the difference between lust and love?

 

PS....you already have left your husband.

 

Love is when you care more about their happiness than your own. A wife should have desire for her husband though, and I do not.

 

I'm not suicidal, never have been, but everyone in this situation would be a lot better off without me. I've left my family once before and never contacted them again. Ive thought lots about doing that again, but I can't leave my kids and I can't and would never want to take them from their family.

 

I thought I knew the difference between lust and love but I obviously don't. I feel like I love this other man. But I also feel like I love his wife. So...

 

One of the things he said last night when I brought up the same question.. Is it lust or love..

 

He said he would be over me by now if it wasn't love. That he's never ever felt emotionally connected to someone like he is to me, I feel the same way but that doesn't mean we're right.

[AlwaysGrowing]

That is not love at all.

 

Maybe you can research love. Learn and understand what love is.

 

It will give you knowledge, and get you started working on yourself, for yourself, by yourself.

 

You need to self-advocate your healing.

 

 

ps...I will get you started...if you love someone you would never do anything that would jeopardize their family, marriage, children, job, character, name...all because it made you feel good.

[rae_lana]

Om is a man that aims to please with giving you oral sex. Your H does not give you oral? Why not? Is this why you are having the affair?

 

No that's not it at all. My husband doesn't like the same things I do sex wise but we are able to satisfy each other. That's not why I'm having an affair.

 

Other guy and me have the same thoughts most of the time. I'm attracted to his mind and the way he thinks more than anything. Even when it's messed up and it often is

[Iamhisflower]

No that's not it at all. My husband doesn't like the same things I do sex wise but we are able to satisfy each other. That's not why I'm having an affair.

 

Other guy and me have the same thoughts most of the time. I'm attracted to his mind and the way he thinks more than anything. Even when it's messed up and it often is

 

Rea_lana, you have said something along the lines of because you have both been sexually abused, you both have the same (sick) sexual desires. The desires you speak of include, open marriage, same sex partners and I'm sure that's just a small insight to what you both discuss. Seriously, you are choosing this over your family, your children!?

 

You have sadly been abused, that was not your fault, but until you break this cycle and take control- you are allowing this guy to abuse you, take advantage of you and hurt your husband and children. You too are abusing your husband and children by lying, cheating and putting them at risk. When will you get it? When will you take control of your life and mental health and break the cycle?

 

When this all blows up (trust me, it will) the effect on your children can be so devastating that as they get older, they may follow in your footsteps. Do you want that, omg! From experience, my fathers affairs wrecked me for a very long time. I wasn't able to have a healthy relationship. Is this disturbing sexually fantasy with this creep worth wrecking your children's LIFE??

[xxoo]

Your OM sounds like he has some sexual kinks, both with the "sloppy seconds" thing and with sexting in the company of his wife or your husband.

 

Give some very hard consideration to the possibility that he would lose interest (or seek satisfaction elsewhere) if the two of you were to be together properly and alone. A big part of the satisfaction for him may be the kink that the affair directly provides.

 

You say you love his wife. There is the old saying, with friends like that, who needs enemies. What would you say to your sister, or another friend, if you found out she was being treated this way by a friend? What would you have to say about that friend?

[Iamhisflower]

 

Why do you like a man below your H in quality? And on top of that OM is a poor lover with a small penis. All of this because of his mind? Is OM a rocket scientist?

 

Pierre, I just spit ice tea thru my nose. Oh my, thank you for that!!

[stillafool]

I'm sure it sounds like that but that's not it at all. I'm not with him because of money.. He used money as the reason we should stay together when I got pregnant the first time and tried to separate. We were broke when we first hot together and everything we have I helped achieve so its not about the money for me.

Law wise here marriage doesn't make much difference because we were common law before as said I do anyway.

 

No he didn't force me to marry him, he convinced me it was the right thing to do so I did it.

 

I do love him! But like I said its not the kind of love a wife has for a husband.

 

Also.. I DO work. My husband would prefer I did not.

 

So you have money, you work a full time job, you cook, clean, and take care of the kids and have sex with your husband 5 times a week. When do you have time for the affair? You would not be taking the kids from their family by divorcing. You would be divorcing their father not the family. I'm divorced from my first husband, remarried and still remain friends with most of his family so that is really not an excuse to stay married and cheat. I'm sorry you were abused as a child but so have many other people and they do not chose to hurt other people. Both you and the OM need to stop blaming your poor choices on your childhood experiences. If you really feel that that is your problem seek professional help not advice from some forum.

[rae_lana]

So you have money, you work a full time job, you cook, clean, and take care of the kids and have sex with your husband 5 times a week. When do you have time for the affair? You would not be taking the kids from their family by divorcing. You would be divorcing their father not the family. I'm divorced from my first husband, remarried and still remain friends with most of his family so that is really not an excuse to stay married and cheat. I'm sorry you were abused as a child but so have many other people and they do not chose to hurt other people. Both you and the OM need to stop blaming your poor choices on your childhood experiences. If you really feel that that is your problem seek professional help not advice from some forum.

 

Other than in the beginning the most we are together alone physically is once a month.