What kind of man does this?

[KentuckyGent]

I care very much about her.

 

 

Uh NO, you don't.

[rae_lana]

Uh NO, you don't.

 

Yes I do. You have never been in this situation and maybe you'd never stoop so low .. I deserve to hear that for sure.. But you haven't been here so you don't know. I care about her. I would much rather she have a good marriage than ever see him again but I don't want to lose her. I get that that's selfish, it does not mean I don't care about and love her.

 

People think they know .. But they don't.

[truthbetold]

I'm ok with some people passing judgment a year a go I might have done the same. I appreciate everything you've said. I can choose to stop the affair and I'm taking steps, I've never done this before, I can't and won't go no contact with them. I just can't. I don't want to I guess. Not because of him but because of her. I'm friends with her separate from this. I don't think of him like the same guy when I'm with her, I just lived it two separate ways!

 

I just have to figure out a way to end it amicably. And go to individual counselling.

 

But Rae, you shouldn't want to do harm to anyone, even more not harm a friend. You cannot be a friend to her while so cruelly deceiving her, do you understand the disconnect in your thinking? One of the keys to happiness in this life is "to do unto others" ALL others, it really is that simple that life is so much happier to live by that standard. There are other standards of course, but starting with that one will help you on the way to self respect.

[rae_lana]

But Rae, you shouldn't want to do harm to anyone, even more not harm a friend. You cannot be a friend to her while so cruelly deceiving her, do you understand the disconnect in your thinking? One of the keys to happiness in this life is "to do unto others" ALL others, it really is that simple that life is so much happier to live by that standard. There are other standards of course, but starting with that one will help you on the way to self respect.

 

I lived it like two separate lives. I love him very much he sounds horrible in black and white and for good reason.. He has has a terrible dark side but so do I do I have no room to judge it and as bonded over it, it's messed up. But I love him and her separate from that.. It's like I was watching someone else live.. Watching a movie.. Then it started mixing together.. Him contacting me when they were with me or saying things he shouldn't when my husband was there that sounded like a joke.. But we're true.. It just started really becoming obvious to me it was progressing dangerously and felt toxic and I started getting sick.

 

I had separated it so well I was happy for their marriage and loved her so much and felt no guilt at the same time as were in an affair! No jealousy when they were affectionate or loving and was fine with it all for almost a year. It's only the last few months its started to be clear what we are doing. That its real. We never even acknowledged what would happen if as got caught before that.

[whichwayisup]

Yes I do. You have never been in this situation and maybe you'd never stoop so low .. I deserve to hear that for sure.. But you haven't been here so you don't know. I care about her. I would much rather she have a good marriage than ever see him again but I don't want to lose her. I get that that's selfish, it does not mean I don't care about and love her.

 

People think they know .. But they don't.

 

Actions speak louder than words. And, you are putting your own selfish needs above hers and you do NOT have a genuine/honest friendship with her. If you did, you never would let anything happen between you and her husband. You can justify and tell yourself anything you'd like, but she will never ever believe you if you tell her that you care about her once D-day happens. And it will, it's only a matter of time before it all comes out. When that day comes, she will feel betrayed and stabbed in the back. They say it isn't your enemies who betray you, it's those who are supposed to love and care about you are the ones who end up with the knife in the hand.. Just saying Rae, that you need to put yourself in her shoes, if she was having an A with your H and this situation was reversed, no way would you ever believe she was your true friend.

[stillafool]

If you cared anything, anything at all about this woman you would stay away from her. I think deep down you are jealous of her and if we met her we would see why you are so insecure. I bet she is beautiful and kind. I doubt seriously you could ever take this womans husband from her. He is getting off on your desperation for his attention. I'm sure when this all comes out, and it will, you will most certainly realize how little you meant to this womans husband when he is faced with losing her.

[threelaurels]

Yes I do. You have never been in this situation and maybe you'd never stoop so low .. I deserve to hear that for sure.. But you haven't been here so you don't know. I care about her. I would much rather she have a good marriage than ever see him again but I don't want to lose her. I get that that's selfish, it does not mean I don't care about and love her.

 

People think they know .. But they don't.

 

If you didn't want to lose her friendship, you shouldn't have had an affair with her husband. There are no separate worlds here, despite your protests to the contrary. Her friendship with you is intertwined with her role as your lover's wife. She will not hate you as the OW but still love you as a friend. The hole you punctured will sink the boat as a whole, not just half of it.

 

You are not like most of the other OW who post here. You had obligations to the BS as her friend and betrayed her in the worst way possible. What you have done is pure and simple backstabbing.

 

If you want to change, you need to come clean. There's no other way. All other options will keep you coming back right where you started from. You cannot keep doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. You have to grow as a person and begin living an authentic life if you want things to be different. Your whole outlook on life needs to change, or you will inevitably find yourself in this exact same situation again and again.

[rae_lana]

If you cared anything, anything at all about this woman you would stay away from her. I think deep down you are jealous of her and if we met her we would see why you are so insecure. I bet she is beautiful and kind. I doubt seriously you could ever take this womans husband from her. He is getting off on your desperation for his attention. I'm sure when this all comes out, and it will, you will most certainly realize how little you meant to this womans husband when he is faced with losing her.

 

Looks wise we do not compare. We look completely different. He likes me for my looks.. And for the part of my personality that is just like him. And obviously for the sex, because we like the exact same things and she does not want to have sex at all.

She is a great person. Funny, sweet, she has no filter and blurts out her thoughts. She is a great person. I'm only jealous that me and him didn't meet before. He and I both agree if we had we would have been together. But no, there is no chance we could be together now. Not after 4 years of friendship and knowing her and him knowing my husband and not after the games he's played, so whether he would leave her for me or not is irrelevant because I wouldn't want him too.

[rae_lana]

He texted me several times throughout the day and I have never not responded before so he know something's off. Both our spouses and my kids are out of town and he wants to talk tonight. So I did reply.

"I think I'm going to be at my sisters all night."

"Ill stop by around 10"

"I can't tonight."

"Tonights the only night. Its ok if just as friends. I know somethings up. Is it another guy? Ill stop by later."

 

I didn't respond.

 

Can we get past the fact that I did this? Because I did. It's done. I get if was gross and wrong and no matter how many times its said I can't undo it. I'm just trying to end it without making him feel rejected because I don't want to do this anymore but I don't want to confess or go no context with them as a couple, only with him as an individual.

 

And there hard too. I will miss him a lot but its what has to happen.

 

I need individual counselling and I'm still trying to get my husband to agree to MC.

 

Also, I'm very very aware how selfish I am. But feel free to remind me I guess.

 

I'm trying really hard.

 

I'm not here for attention I'm here for insight and distraction so I don't text him non stop like I used to.

[LilGirlandOW]

 

(1) And obviously for the sex, because we like the exact same things and she does not want to have sex at all.

 

 

(2) I'm only jealous that me and him didn't meet before. He and I both agree if we had we would have been together. But no, there is no chance we could be together now.

 

(1) Maybe I'm mixing up posters here, but I thought you guys had sex once?

 

(2) Thats easy to say, hard to prove. They ALL say that.

[rae_lana]

To be clear here. Him asking me if its another guy.. Confirms to me there is other, other women.

Because he ignores me all the time.. I do fit 4 days and he assumes its another guy?

[rae_lana]

(1) Maybe I'm mixing up posters here, but I thought you guys had sex once?

 

(2) Thats easy to say, hard to prove. They ALL say that.

 

It depends what you consider sex. We've only had intercourse once. We have done a lot of other things both our spouses would consider sex.

[KentuckyGent]

What exactly are you wanting here? You don't seem to like what you've been told here. You're no friend to this woman, simple as that. You should quit sleeping with her husband and end your "friendship". I, for one, don't think you should tell her. You've hurt her enough. Leave her alone. The "sexting" you 2 lovebirds did while in her home was disgusting.

[rae_lana]

What exactly are you wanting here? You don't seem to like what you've been told here. You're no friend to this woman, simple as that. You should quit sleeping with her husband and end your "friendship". I, for one, don't think you should tell her. You've hurt her enough. Leave her alone. The "sexting" you 2 lovebirds did while in her home was disgusting.

 

I didn't respond to them and I left because he was sending them. But yes, I agree.

I wanted distraction and any type of support to cope possible.

[LilGirlandOW]

 

(1) I'm just trying to end it without making him feel rejected because I don't want to do this anymore but I don't want to confess or go no context with them as a couple, only with him as an individual.

 

 

(2) I'm not here for attention

 

(1) Like I said on Page 5 of this thread "Want the situation to stop, stop enabling him from contacting you (block his cell), also stop rug sweeping his vulgar texts (tell him one more and his DW will be forwarded them).

 

Unless he loves you so much that he'll give up his life and run away with you, that should do it. If not and he continues, expose and take your consequence bravely and rebuild from the rubble.

 

Your situation is not sustainable."

 

(2) No, although that is why you continued tangling this knot with your BF's H, who has OOW.

 

You need to expose, expose, expose. Especially knowing there are OOW, your BF's sexual health is at risk. You had your fun at your H's and BF's expense, take the consequence and think about your best friend and husband now. Soon you wont just be sharing BF's H, you'll be sharing whatever it is they use to treat chlamydia.

[rae_lana]

Even children know that you don't hurt people you care about. You don't feel badly for doing what you've done, you just think it should stop.

 

You don't need to see him tonight. Send another text saying 'it's over, please stop texting me - it was very wrong and I'm done'. The End.

 

I realize that doesn't get the attention you admit you like, but that isn't the point. If you think you care about this woman, prove it. Don't see her husband tonight.

 

Ok. I sent him that exact text! I do not want to see him tonight, I know exactly what would happen. I just want it to be over and forget it ever happened..

[KentuckyGent]

I just want it to be over and forget it ever happened..

 

 

No you don't. That is soooooooo obvious.

[LilGirlandOW]

I just want it to be over and forget it ever happened..

 

I dont think you want it to be over.

 

Every "other" gets caught up in the A fog, but we all have the common sense that delete/block is an option, and until you proceed with said option you dont really want it to be over, or forget it.

[rae_lana]

I dont think you want it to be over.

 

Every "other" gets caught up in the A fog, but we all have the common sense that delete/block is an option, and until you proceed with said option you dont really want it to be over, or forget it.

 

You were absolutely right. The me in this moment does not want it to be over. But the person I want to be and the person I used to be wants this to be over so bad.

 

I copied and pasted another posters exact text telling him I wanted it to be over I said it was so wrong and needed to be done. That's the first time I've ever done that and the last 20 minutes my phone has absolutely blown up. He's texting back to back one after the other.

 

What's wrong?? What happened?? He keeps saying. I haven't written back and I think I should just turn off my phone.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. My hands are shaking I'm crying I know he cares about me but is also using me and he has confided a lot in me and me him.. I owe him an explanation for all this I just can't give him one until I'm over wanting him the way I do.

 

I can't block his number he's a friend to anyone else concerned..

Edited September 21, 2013 by rae_lana

[rae_lana]

No you don't. That is soooooooo obvious.

 

You're an other man. Would you have wanted her to just end things with no explanation? He deserves that like any other person. He was my friend before this got as sick as it did.

[AlwaysGrowing]

RL, I get that you believe that you are a friend, a wife, a mother...a "good" person. I also get that you NEED to believe those things...to see it any other way is to have to live in REALITY.

 

The OBS, will never view you as a friend..if she knew the truth. You will be viewed as a person who stole her childrens father, family, finances, security, treated them with disrespect, mocked them in their own home. Affairs attack the core of the family. Affairs attack a child's view of their family, their place in the world, their value to their parents, it un-anchors them...very, very, scary for a child to feel afraid within their own family/home.

 

I also get that you are afraid of the consequences. They will be harsh and rightly so. To bear witness to their pain, will hurt you, like no one has every hurt you before...and it was at your hands....you did this to you.

 

The upside? You also have the power to stop it all. You can choose to live in the light, and shine that on all the dark.... past and present.

 

Change is possible. It really is. Change is rooted in the truth. Only the truth can fix/heal.....with acknowledgement, acceptance, and commitment we can change and learn new coping mechanisms, have a healthy relationship with ourselves...without that...we are no good to anyone else.

[rae_lana]

His texts are going back and forth from wanting to know what happened and asking if I'm ok and then I get this.. "I'm comin there at 10. We are going to talk. Itll be ok. Nothing is over"

[bentleychic]

His texts are going back and forth from wanting to know what happened and asking if I'm ok and then I get this.. "I'm comin there at 10. We are going to talk. Itll be ok. Nothing is over"

You need to tell him that if he comes at 10, you will call the cops or his wife. Or both. Do NOT let him come over. Period!!! BE STRONG THIS TIME!!!

[happy stillmore]

Really Rae Lana?

 

You are concerned about what his feelings are?! He has no regard for his wife's feeling, your feelings and yet you feel that you need to have the decency to give him an explanation to why it is over! As if any explanation is needed!

 

Yikes! My brain is exhausted trying to understand your thinking. I totally get the affair fog. My thinking was clouded while I was in the relationship with xMM. I blame my feelings for him for my tunnel vision. You need to step outside of yourself, look at your situation and see how this appears to all us. I'm glad you came here for objective advice. You must end the craziness NOW! For your sanity.

[AlwaysGrowing]

He is owed nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 

He was Head Cheerleader to your self-destruction, he purposefully assisted you in destroying your family. He helped you destroy yourself.

 

Whether or not you are the same is of no consequence...he is toxic to your healing/thought processes. He can offer nothing to help you...his prior actions PROVE that. By the same token...YOU can not help HIM. You do not have the proper skill set, thought process, insight.

 

You can do the same wrong as another, not like it in you, and not like it in the other person as well. Actually, thats healthy. Its growth. Unacceptable in your life, regardless of who is doing it.