Not sure if I can Reconcile....

[HeadCase3]

Hello everyone, I'm looking for some insight and advice. Here is some background information on my situation...

 

About 3yrs ago I separated from my wife of 13yrs. I'll call her the "ex-wife" even though we are technically still married. Since the separation we have been living in separate households and still do. We also have two children together. I would have immediately divorced my ex after the separation but worried about the financial impact the divorce would have on her and the children so I did not.

 

In short, it has been three years and my ex STILL has no job. I still pay for a majority of the bills for both households and financially this situation sucks.

 

Also, and not that I'm trying to nitpick, but my ex has always been heavy/overweight. She played collegiate sports when she was younger and even though she was a little heavy when we first met, she carried the extra weight well. As the years have went on, she has continued to be heavy/overweight and had a crappy diet. Even at my encouraging to exercise and live a healthier lifestyle, she still chooses to remain the same.

 

I am in my early forties and for the most part, I have exercised my entire life and tried to live a healthy lifestyle and maintain a proper diet.

 

During these three years of separation I met another woman and we began dating. Physically she is much different than my ex. This woman is petite and is in decent shape due to her being active and eating right. I recently broke things off with this woman too, because I needed some time to figure out what I really want in my life.

 

I am still having a hard time with the separation and specifically being apart from my children. It had been mainly because of this that I have recently been considering reconciling with my ex. I know this is what she and the kids would like, but I'm not so sure. I have an excellent relationship with my children and often I am content just spending time with them, the three of us alone, without their mother.

 

The main issue and concern I have been having with this idea of reconciling is the thought of intimacy with my ex. I almost feel like this other woman, the physically petite one, has for lack of a better term, "ruined me." Meaning, that after having had sex with this beautiful woman who has obviously taken care of herself physically over the years, I cannot fathom having sex with my heavy, overweight wife. Not meaning to cruel, but the thought of her fat rolls slapping against me during sex physically makes me gag. I've tried to work past this problem in my mind but cannot. Even during the last time (which was within the last few months) when we started messing around, kissing and making out which led into the sex, I had to stop and walk away because I was so turned off.

 

I haven't told her any of this and she still tries to initiate physical contact such as hugging and kissing and butt grabs and such, but I am just not into doing this with her any longer.

 

Although I still love her and consider her to be a good friend, in the beginning when we separated she had said a lot of mean things and talked a lot of ****/trash to our mutual friends about me. Of course she took no blame for anything that went wrong with our relationship and marriage, it was all me of course. I'm not sure if its a combo of these things that has me looking at her in a different light and making her unattractive to me, or if its just the physical unattractive portion. As an example of a different light I mean, let's say you are out somewhere and see someone you think is attractive....and then you see them do something that totally turns you off and their action is just plain ugly so it makes them appear ugly in your eyes...and no matter what they do that's never someone you are going to be into.

 

Anyways,.... Thanks for reading/listening and any input would be appreciated. I'm also not sure if I should tell her about the physical part or not. Also, is this me being shallow??....or just dealing with reality?

 

Thanks again.

[BC1980]

I think it is lazy and disrespectful to your partner to gain a lot of weight and have no concern for your health. It's also disrespectful to yourself, meaning she apparently has no respect for herself either. We all gain a few pounds here and there, and no one is perfect. I'm not saying we need to look like models either, but I think it is unfair to gain a lot of weight and not care about your health. It's unfair to your partner.

 

I'm sure I will get a lot people who will disagree with me, but I feel strongly that outward appearances reflect a lot of the inner problems a person might have. Weight is such a sensitive subject in our culture, but I can't give a pass to a person who becomes obese and doesn't care about their health.

 

I'm a woman by they way, and I feel that it is important to look your best for yourself first of all, but also for your boyfriend/spouse. I'm not talking about a trophy wife; I'm talking about a basic need to feel your personal best.

 

You really need to get a divorce by the way. You can't be married to someone you have to physical attraction to. Also, she has no job, and you are paying her bills. That's lazy to me. You've wasted 3 years. Are you going to waste 3 more?

[mkrainy]

tell her the problem and talk to her. Give her the last notice and tell her the seriousness.

 

if that doesn't work, then yea, you have to divorce because you will eventually have PA and EA if you aren't attracted to her.

[Mariposa10]

Don't put your kids through hell again. Why open this wound again? Please, stop messing around with her, she's gonna get her hopes up. It sounds like you want to reconcile because of your kids, but as a child of divorced parents, don't do it. You'll have a much better relationship with them if you're happy, not if you're miserable.

 

Good luck!!

[HeadCase3]

Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it. That's how I felt too, but didn't know if I was being overly shallow. I'm not saying that I am physically perfect or model like,....but at least I try. I try to look good by exercising and taking care of myself,... take pride in my appearance.

 

It's just REALLY bugged me that she has done nothing....NOTHING to help herself out during the separation....No job, no weight loss, etc. Really nothing has changed with her. I really would have thought that if for nothing else she would have started to exercise and get more fit to re-enter the dating world.....but even that has not happened.

 

I will talk to her again, but this will be it. I'll try to be optimistic but really I'm not expecting much. If this doesn't work then I will divorce her and move on and hopefully we will remain civil and friendly for the sake of our children.