Can we be friends?

[Naive]

SO HE CALLED ME AGAIN!!! MM contacted me about 5 minutes ago. He asked how was I doing and asked if he could see me today What gives him the right to just mix up my life like this. He's still the same guy. He has his little remarks that make me melt.

 

I told him right now that we could be friends if he wanted to and now I feel like punching myself because I know there is no such thing as "friends" in these type of relationships. I just feel that he was a real good friend before and he could make me feel more light when problems aroused in my life maybe he can do that again, but then I think.......can he ever tell his wife about me being his friend? NO, Why? because somehow it feels wrong!!

 

What do I do you guys? Do I talk to him as friends or leave it alone?

[izzybelle]

i know you'll get a lot of replies that it's not possible. i had an MM (briefly) last year and we're still friends. we stay out of situations where we're alone but our social paths cross a lot and it really was important that we make it past the "mistake." his wife didn't know so that made it easier, or actually i should say possible. otherwise it wouldn't have worked. but we still email sometimes and i see him at parties but it's all very platonic.

 

trying to stay friends with my MM from this year (yes, i'm a repeat offender and no there won't be an MM for next year!) but that one's more difficult, and sad because i've known him for about 15 years. we'll see, i'm hopeful, but since his W found out, i know she'd have a hissy, and i wouldn't blame her.

 

i think it's up to you. making the transition is very painful, i can tell you that much for sure. but a year later, it's not a big deal anymore. i still think he's gorgeous but i don't let the attraction go any further.

[Naive]

I love him as a person. He has been there through thick and thin. I know that if we both try it would work as friends, but I don't know what's going throug his head.

[izzybelle]

not knowing what's going through his head is incredibly difficult. when MM#1 called it quits, i had no idea what was going through his head either. his marriage had been failing for a while, and i knew he wasn't lying to me because his W had also told me that they were having major poblems and were thinking about separating. they were both ready to call it quits, but hadn't quite come to terms with it.

 

i think he would have preferred at the time for me to just drop it. but, me being stubborn and always wanting to know why, didn't let it go. it took me several months to get him to sit down and talk to me about it. and that was hard, i cried the whole time. but at least then, i understood. he needed to know that if he asked for a divorce it was because it was what he wanted, not because of me. once we got past that, things got better. don't get me wrong, it was still one of the more difficult things i've ever done, but now we can manage being around each other and be back to the way things used to be in the past. we have fun and we joke around. and yes, there are still comments every once in a while that he'll make which lets me know he's thinking about what we did, but it's always said out of fun! and sometimes he'll go out of his way to get me to say things in front of others that i know he knows the answer to. i think he likes to see me get embarrassed!

 

there are still times when i wonder what would have happened if he had left his wife. but we'll never know. they still are having problems, but not as bad as before and as weird as this may sound, i'm happy for them and i do hope they'll make it through this. but... all that said, although there was an emotional connection there, the physical was much more powerful. maybe that's what made it easier, i don't know.

[Naive]

I guess it varies from person to person. I really have to sit down and analyze whether I can be just friends.

[Patiently waiting]

Once you have "been" with him and even if that part is over , it really is wrong to be friends with him (which you know). The point you made, not being able to let his wife know you are friends, is the reality of why you know it is wrong. (I agree with you). I have tried desperately to just remain friends with my MM, but find myself being angry at him for actually being willing to settle for that now. It's like as long as he is involved in my life in any way, he is satisfied. Our friendship is not REAL, it is a fallout shelter we live in after the battle for his ultimate love and devotion has been lost. Yes, we actually do get along very well and that is the confusing part. Maybe if the affair never happened we actually could be legitimate friends and even take our kids to play groups with his wife present. But it is still an affair as long as the relationship continues in any fashion, because he cannot tell his wife about me.

 

My soon to be ex H, wanted to remain friends with his affair and I said "no way", so did the marriage counselor. But, he secretly continued seeing his OW, in what capacity I do not know. But I do know that it had an impact on our relationship. We were never able to get back to the intimate couple we used to be. She stood between us. The lies and deceit were still there.

 

I would say ask yourself this question...."If I were this man's wife, how would I feel if he remained friends (or even wanted to) with a woman he had an affair with during our marriage?"

 

I found it extremely insulting and degrading that he still "needed" her in his life. Afterall, I was his wife, I was supposed occupy that space. Married men and married women can be acquaintances, anything more than that is just looking for trouble. At least that's my personal experience.

[Barby]

I think he has too much emotional power over you for it to work out as a friendship.

 

The reason I say this is because as you have stated on here many times, you're still very much in love with him and yes for a little while it will probably remain on a friendly level, maybe forever but honestly wouldn't it be hard on you and on your heart to be around him but not be able to touch, hold, and express affection for him without the risk of him hurting his wife?

 

I know this guy meant so much to you and I can imagine you feel that any contact with him is better than no contact with him, I'm sure we can all feel you on that BUT remember you have to take care of you, in the end contact with him will probably only cause you heartache or undue sadness.

 

You're grown and have all the right in the world to be friends with whoever you choose but since you seem like such a nice person and you have such drama going on in your life right now with your dad and all, do you really want to allow more stress in your life that may cause you to feel worse or become entangled in a love triangle with this guy again? You deserve better than that........

 

Even if he was to openly be your friend with his wife's knowledge don't you think being around him would make your feelings for him more unbearable and harder to supress and make it harder for you to move on?

[izzybelle]

perhaps that may be the difference as to why i could stay friends with my MM. i don't know that we were ever really in love. we cared about each other, but it was a brief affair that was a mistake. i was sad when it ended but it did and we have moved beyond it and we really are just friends. if his wife knew, it would have very difficult for all the reasons you state. i don't in any way feel that i'm even in the picture as being a potential problem for he and his wife. it's not what i want and it's not what he wants. i'm no more of a threat than any of his other female friends, and he has a bunch! i think it really depends on the circumstances but he and i decided that we still wanted to be friends, and it has worked! perhaps that's unique, i don't know, but under certain circumstances it really can work!

[Patiently waiting]

But it's still disrespectful to his wife to remain friends with him even if that's all you are now. He is keeping a secret from her and you ARE still in the picture (even if it's only a fond memory of what was for only a brief moment). I bet he still thinks of you sometimes.....

 

He is keeping a secret from his WIFE, not just a temporary relationship, he actually loved her enough to marry her. 2 people who truly love each other would never want to keep secrets from one another, or for that matter, wouldn't have any secrets at all. He's still sharing himself with a woman (women) other than his wife. Do you think she would approve if given the option?

[izzybelle]

if she knew? probably not. but that's the way this has turned out. it's not like we hang out together, it's not like we go out just the two of us, i've never even called him, ever. and i think in the entire time i've known him he's called me maybe 10 times. it's not like we're best buddys and all interactions which are sometimes several times a month, that i've had with him and will, no doubt continue to have with him, are all in large groups of people. but under the circumstances, maintaining a friendship was necessary. i know that may be difficult to understand and i don't think it's necessary to go into detail. like i said, this may be a unique situation. if i suddenly dropped out of the picture, i think that would really make her wonder what was up!

 

i understand your point about him having a secret from her. but i do believe that's his choice, i'm sure as heck not going to tell her. does he think about me sometimes? probably. but i'm guessing he also still thinks about the first girl he ever had sex with too! and i can't say that he wouldn't think about me even if he didn't see me around. should two people in a relationship never have secrets from each other? in a perfect world sure. and about something this important, i know most would say yes, but that wasn't my call. and i'm so thankful she didn't find out. as i've said several times, it was a mistake.

 

bottom line is, naive asked for an opinion and i gave her mine and i told her she'd get a lot of replies telling her that it's not possible. i was simply trying to point out that it can work sometimes. i understand that you think it's wrong and i understand why, but it's the way it is and we've been "just friends" for over a year now. sorry naive, didn't mean to have this take this direction!

[izzybelle]

just another thought because i'm not sure if i confused you or if i'm confused.... his wife doesn't know about the affair, she's fully aware that we're friends and have been acquaintences moved into friendship over the past 4-5 years.

[Naive]

Originally posted by Barby

I think he has too much emotional power over you for it to work out as a friendship.

 

That's what scares me.

 

The reason I say this is because as you have stated on here many times, you're still very much in love with him

 

You know Barby, I can't say that I am in love with him anymore, but I can say that I love him as a person.

 

I know this guy meant so much to you and I can imagine you feel that any contact with him is better than no contact with him, I'm sure we can all feel you on that BUT remember you have to take care of you, in the end contact with him will probably only cause you heartache or undue sadness.

 

You hit the mark with this one!!!! The worst thing is that I know all of this and I am still willing to TRY and be friends. I don't know how can he hold so much power over me. I am so strong in other aspects of my life, why can't I be strong in this one???? Why can't I say bye to him? Whenever I feel like it's over he comes back into my life. It's like you said, I'll rather have him as a friend rather than nothing.

 

Back when we broke up it took over a year to finally start to let go and when I was finally almost over IT.........BAM!!! I receive a call from him!!! 2 years had passed and he looked for me, why? It would have been so much better if he would have not shown up!!!

 

You're grown and have all the right in the world to be friends with whoever you choose but since you seem like such a nice person and you have such drama going on in your life right now with your dad and all, do you really want to allow more stress in your life that may cause you to feel worse or become entangled in a love triangle with this guy again? You deserve better than that........

 

I know I deserve better and that's why I don't want to fall into temptation again, but I do want to be his friend. I definitely do not need more drama because I have enough to go around........AUGH, why do I do this to myself. I hate to be in this position because I feel like I am this dingy little dumba**!! I hate people that can't seem to take control of their OWN lifes but here I am being one of them My intentions are not to hurt anyone. I am not that type of person and it hurts to have these feelings take a hold of me.

[Patiently waiting]

You hit the mark with this one!!!! The worst thing is that I know all of this and I am still willing to TRY and be friends. I don't know how can he hold so much power over me. I am so strong in other aspects of my life, why can't I be strong in this one???? Why can't I say bye to him? Whenever I feel like it's over he comes back into my life. It's like you said, I'll rather have him as a friend rather than nothing.

 

Posted by naive

 

 

Argghh!! this is me too!!!! (yes I know I am a total hipocrit cause of what I prev. posted, just seeing the other side too, as I have been there ) Men are just wolves in sheep's clothing ! They sure know how to manipulate all of us Lil' Bo Peeps into taking them into our fold !

[Naive]

Well it takes two to tango, so we can't really say we were defenseless to a certain point we did have control.

[Patiently waiting]

Yes, I suppose that's true......I was totally in control.....just right before I met him! After that first encounter, I was a gonner.... I melted like Frosty the Snowman in the greenhouse.......

[Karlise13]

but my pride prevents me from staying 'friends' with anyone I suspect is keeping me 'on the back burner' or as a 'backup plan' so to speak.

 

I've stayed friends with very few ex's.

 

The only ones I really consider friends are the ones who I truly have NO sexual or 'love' feelings for.

I like them as people, but I don't really see them sexually or romantically anymore.

 

It's very rare that a former love interest can attain this status.

 

If you have bad feelings in your gut about your MM, I'd avoid having an entanglement with him. I understand you may have been through thick and thin....and it's hard to close certain chapters in your life.

By keeping a relationship going, you are in essence keeping this chapter going, keeping the storyline going. When in truth, it's time to write the ending and close the book.

[I Survived]

My Two Cents

I believe that it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a friendship with a person whom you're had an affair with (emotionally or physically) in the past. I know this first hand AND I also asked my husband if he thought it was possible. He said "NO WAY". That is coming from a man who had an emotional attachment to a woman from his past just six months ago. He knows that it was wrong and how much it hurt me and our marriage. He says he was out of his mind letting himself get sucked into that situation.

Trying to maintain a friendship with a former lover is like holding a lighted match between your fingers and watching it burn. It will eventually hurt. The honest to goodness best way to get over an affair IF YOU REALLY WANT IT TO BE OVER is to break ALL TIES with the other person. You have to do so to save your marriage and your sanity. It takes time, but you have to be strong.

Get outside of yourself. Volunteer to do something to help other people. Do you know how many elderly people there are out there living alone who would just love a phone call or a visit from someone. Go to your local senior center and ask if you can help. Get your mind off the one thing that holds you and pulls you back towards creating more damage to your self-esteem.

[Naive]

It's weird because I am friends with all of my ex boyfriends, there's one that we have no contact with but I will definitely say hi to if we were to ever cross paths. One of my ex Bf is actually my Best-friend, but with MM it's different.......more difficult.

[Naive]

I just talked to him again and he asked to see me today after work. Here is the bad part......I said yes. I know I should not have said yes but I could not fight it. For all I know we will not even see each other and that's what makes me more sad

[Honesty]

Why could you not fight it?

[veronese]

Hey, anything is possible!

 

But in the situation you're in? I very much doubt in Naive. It's a nice thought, but in truth, after what you two have had between you it's very unlikely.

 

If 'friendship' is all you are after really I guess the only way to achieve that is by not only being a friend to him but a friend to him and his wife, friends to them both as a couple. Which would obviously be not only challenging but probably quite traumatic to all three of you.

 

Continuing a secret or independent friendship with him unbeknownn to his wife is not, no matter how much you try to fool yourself, either innocent or acceptable. If you were his wife would you understand if he treated you the same way? Probably not Naive, Probably not. Cos you know that when he gives his attention to you it makes you feel good, and if you were his wife you're abhor him developing emotions of this nature to another woman.

 

If friendship is truly all you desire from him you should be comfortable and willing to be friends with the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with.

 

If you have no intention of this, back off now and leave well alone. Us wives don't take kindly to women vying for our mens' attentions. Call us possessive if you like......(lol)

[Bella Mia]

I think you know the answer to your own question. But answer me this. Do your other platonic friends have the ability to make you melt with their words?

 

If you try to be just friends with him will he respect that or always be pushing the boundaries? Will you honestly respect that or be secretly pushing the boundaries?

 

Will you be going through the motions of just friends while your mind replays vivid images of what you two have been, and find yourself wondering and trying to figure out what he is thinking all the time?

 

It sounds a little stressfull to imagine you two trying to be friends just yet. But I don't think it is impossible.

[Naive]

Originally posted by Bella Mia

I think you know the answer to your own question. But answer me this. Do your other platonic friends have the ability to make you melt with their words?

 

He is the only one that makes me feel this way.

 

If you try to be just friends with him will he respect that or always be pushing the boundaries? Will you honestly respect that or be secretly pushing the boundaries?

 

Well I have my answer already. I saw him on Friday. At first everything went well, but everything went bad afterwards. We kissed and it would have gone further if I did not stop it. The worst thing is that I do not feel bad. I am actually glowing of happiness It's weird how you can feel two entirely different emotions at the same time.

[Owl]

Look Naive-

 

You already know the answer to this...so do something about it. You saw him Friday...and kissed him...and admitted it would/could go further. Obviously, you CAN'T be friends.

 

I'm not the one in my situation who had the affair. I'm the "betrayed spouse". One of the biggest battles we had in trying to recover our marriage was her desire to remain "just friends" with him. And in her case, it was an online emotional affair...not a physical one.

 

There are a ton of reasons why a friendship can't continue in your case...most of them have already been listed here.

 

1. You two can't go back to thinking about each other as "just friends" once that line is crossed. There is more intimacy (both physical and emotional) there than there should be, and that will always be a betrayel to his marriage, and a distraction from his marriage. What you shared, he should have shared with his wife. That kiss he shared with you on Friday? Not meant for you. But because you were there, you got it. At the expense of his marriage, and of his wife. As long as you're in contact, there is no real re-building of his marriage to his wife.

 

2. He will always be holding that small part of himself that he shares/gives to you back from his wife. That witholding could well be the end of their marriage if it goes on.

 

3. Even if you do manage to break off the intimacy (which I don't think really can happen if you're in contact, but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt), you will BOTH still harbor the deep down hope that what you had could rekindle. With that going in your hearts, you'll never TRULY be just friends...

 

4. If his wife knows what happened, then either she knows that you're still in contact or she doesn't. If she is aware that you're trying to be friends...she will NEVER trust that friendship not to cross the line again. Nor should she...after all, you kissed again on Friday, no? If she isn't aware of the affair, she's still suffering from the lies, and the withdrawl that he's doing to keep that one little part back for you. Not real fair to her, is it?

 

 

Look...you already knew the answer when you posted here...you were just looking for something...either confirmation of what you knew, or you were hoping that someone could convince you that you CAN keep it going. What you do from here is YOUR choice.

 

I've heard many people say that they can't control how they feel. I can understand that. After the whirlwind of pain and hurt and suffering I've been through, I've learned that sometimes you CAN'T change how you feel...but you CAN control what you do about it! I've been hurt, and betrayed, and I've suffered like I couldn't have believed possible before this...but I haven't done anything that I shouldn't have as a result. No bodies are hidden anywhere, though the temptation was there stronger than you know. Everyone always expects the betrayed spouse to work through how they feel and take the right action...well, in this particular case, it sounds to me like its time for the OP to do that instead.

 

Not judging you here friend...you're in a tough situation. Just providing my opinion and advice. Now its up to you to DO something about your situation. If you sit in the same situation and hope for it to change when you've done nothing to improve it yourself, THEN I'd think less of you.

[Naive]

Thanks for your reply Owl. At this time I am back in point 1 and I have to really think many, many things thoroughly. I really do feel like a bad person, but there is so much more to this story........