Two year long distant relationship gone to hell ***very long post***

[grenzer]

Well, before I get into this I want to make a few things clear. The too long didn't read is at the very bottom. This is a very long post. If you have time on your hands I will like if you read it. If not no biggie, but don't comment saying "shorten it" The situation is too complex for that. "K" and I both have many mental problems. I have ADHD and emotional she has ADD and anxiety problems. My lack of experience with women and people general and her paranoia destroyed our relationship. The only reason we haven't met is due to money and family issues. Yes I know this is very long but I wanna give as many details as possible.

 

Well, this all started back around October 2011 when we met on this imageboard randomly. She was posting pictures of her and her hello kitty dolls. At first I called her stupid but for some odd reason I asked for her Skype. She accepted and we began to talk. We talked about everything in life and found out we had a lot in common with each other. Around Dec 2011 we decided to get into a "Facebook relationship". We talked and talk day end day out about everything.

 

Go to 2012 Jan one day she decided to confess her true feelings for me. She asked "Do you think you could ever love me?" I replied "Maybe, do you love me?" she said yes and I told her how much I loved her and wanted to be with her in the real life and we're soulmates. Around Feb 2012 she tried breaking up with me for the first time because of our religious differences but we sorted it out (I converted to Christianity).

 

Around I think April 2012 is when the first real trouble happened between us. I sent her a card in the mail that I had made. The first thing she does is mock my hand writing (i have really poor hand writing since forever) and it really affected me. I cried in bed (yeah I know like a bitch) for a few minutes but I kinda got over it. Now fast forward to like June 2012 is where the real trouble happened. Well I'm a virgin and shes not. I never had a problem with that till she mocked me and said things like "Who would wait to lose it" and things of that nature. Funny thing is she wanted to wait till marriage between us before having sex together even when we met.

 

I was raised to love and care for women not just use them for their bodies so the chances I had to lose it I didn't take because I wanted to wait for one special girl. Well that really messed with me and I held it against her (I realize my mistake now and it makes me wanna die) instead of talking to her about it right then and there I held it against her till about August 2012 when everything changed forever...Well one day she made fun of me again and I just flat out called her a whore. She cried for 4 hours and I didn't care...We sotta sorted it out but I was still pissed about her making fun of me and never truly saying sorry. Well a little bit after that we she told me she wasn't Christian anymore. We talked about it and decided to both be agnostic (as I was before). We then started doing Skype e-sex and sending each other nude pictures of each other (something we never did).

 

Fast forward to Feb 2013. I met another girl in the UK we'll call her "CS". Well, my girlfriend that we will call "K" has a problem with "CS" that I didn't understand till my friend explained it to me in early Sep 2013. Long story short "K" thought she'd lose me to "CS", which wasn't true because I could never love her like I loved "K", but "K" and I both have low self esteem issues and i realize the mistakes now. Well, fast forward to March 2013. That's when i first told "K" about "CS". I did that to prove to "K" I had nothing to hide in terms of other females in my life and that I was open and honest about who I speak to. Well, I guess "K" couldn't handle that either and had some issues that I kinda ignored because I thought they weren't a big deal.

 

Fast forward to mid April 2013. I'm still talking to "CS" and "K" is still jealous. Well one day "K" makes a lot of sexual comments about me having relations with "CS". I ignore them at first but then "K" keeps on doing it. One day me and "CS" decided to troll "K". Well, we said very sexual things to each other and told "K" about it, big mistake I see now I didn't know it would affect "K" so much. One day "K" forces me to either choose to talk to her or "CS". Well, I choose "K", but I still talked to "CS" on the side (lots of self esteem issues have to do with this). Well, "K" finds out and gets upset so I rid "CS" again.

 

Goto June 2013. We've both been having issues since we're both broke and can't afford our own place yet and I still don't have a job. She has a really ****ty job in her state but its not enough for us to have a place to call home. I guess it just seemed hopeless to her (even though I was gonna join the United States coast guard so we could have money to get married etc) and she didn't really tell me about it. Late July 2013, she visits England to be with her father for a month. Well while she was there I said some mean things to her that to this day will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

 

From being under pressure from friends to subconscious thoughts that people have put in my head i decided to be a real dick toward her (even though i didn't want to be and i thought she could handle it) i said mean things like "You aren't real you're just an e-girlfriend" (even though I loved her to bits even if we can only talk on the keyboard now). and things like "Just stay in England and find a real boyfriend" and I called her a fag sometimes to. Well for me never having a serious relationship with another person this wasn't as bad as i thought it ws to her. Well around mid Aug she cheated on me with some random guy she met a club.

 

Aug 20. she comes back to America and tells me she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I got insane and cry my heart out to her. I guess from guilt she kinda told me she cheated on me. Well, she just said she kissed some guy but i knew there was more from the fact she didn't say our usual "love you" before going to bed. Fast forward to the next day is when i found out what she really did in detail and i just went insane and confronted her. Well, she didn't seem to care when i was crying on cam with her about it...so i took it on myself to get back at her...

 

Well, I told her mother what she had done and that "K" wasn't Christian. Her mother threw her out of the house because she is like a Taliban style Christian. "K" was out in the woods trying to sleep when I called her I told her I'd sort things out with her mother so she'd let her back in. I told her mother that I lied and said "K" was an atheist (even though she actually is) and that I was just mad about her cheating that she shouldn't hate "K" for my actions. Her mother agrees and lets "K" back in. Me and "K" still talk. We decide that we wanted to fix our relationship. this is where it gets crazy.

 

Go to Aug 23, I burned all her letters to me over webcam and made a video of it. I posted the video unlisted on Youtube. I sent it to her, she didn't seem to comment or care. The next day I attempted suicide out of depression of her and many other things in my life. I told her late at night over Facebook and went and attempted it. I failed because what I had wasn't strong enough. Well bummed out over the failed attempt I just went to bed. About 10 minutes after laying in bed I get a call from her asking if I was safe and I said yeah. We talked about it and she said she loved me and wants things the way they were. We stay up talking 2 hours then say our goodbyes and love yous. Well even after that I still wasn't satisfied nor did I trust her word.

 

Around late Aug I attempted suicide again, this time another way. This time she just calls my mom. In all honestly I think I've pushed her away so much to a point of no return. Well, on Sep 3 she posted her contact info on a social site saying "looking for some one nice". I got really upset and called her phone. I made demands "you either remove your contact info from this site or I hack your Facebook and see what you've been doing". Well that pushed her away a lot. She says she needs space, I think that means she doesn't want me anymore.

 

Well from Sep 3 to now shes been very distant to me even though she says she loves me and I'm the one. She sends short replies and rarely messages me first. Last night I asked her if she truly wanted and I think this will be the last time I try this then I'll just let her drift away.

 

Me - Do you love me?

Her - Yes.

Me - Do you really want things back to the way they were?

Her - Yes.

Me - Do you really believe I'm the one?

Her - Yes.

Me- Well if we want our relationship to work we need to talk more. I'll stop be depressed all day if you do one thing for me. Remove other males from your Skype. It's not good while we're going through these phases to talk to other guys. I really love you and I want things to work out. You have me and your best friend and you can have all the female friends you want, but I believe during this time you shouldn't be talking to other guys.

Her - I need space

Me - Whatever go talk to those fa*gots idc

 

Is it really too late for us? She said "love you" last night before she went to bed. She hasn't woken up today so. She was more than a lover she was my best friend, the best friend I've ever had in my entire life.

 

 

Too long; didn't read. Needy inexperience ADHD guy probably perma pushed away great girlfriend. What do.

Edited September 21, 2013 by grenzer

[TMichaels]

How old are you two?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[grenzer]

I'm 19 shes almost 21

[Solcita2]

So... you don't want her to have other Skype male friends but at the same time you allow yourself to have sexual conversation with another girl?

 

I think before keep hurting each other you should try to get yourself together and then try again... maybe space and time would help... and if it doesn't, maybe you two were not meant to be.

 

About the fact that she laughs at your virginity, it might also be a way to feel a little less bad about herself for not being one. Like bullying.. don't know.

 

However I think you are way too young to go through something like this... too messy so far...

 

Hope it gets better

[grenzer]

So... you don't want her to have other Skype male friends but at the same time you allow yourself to have sexual conversation with another girl?

 

I think before keep hurting each other you should try to get yourself together and then try again... maybe space and time would help... and if it doesn't, maybe you two were not meant to be.

 

About the fact that she laughs at your virginity, it might also be a way to feel a little less bad about herself for not being one. Like bullying.. don't know.

 

However I think you are way too young to go through something like this... too messy so far...

 

Hope it gets better

 

I don't have real sexual conversations with that female. That was trolling because "K" always brought up sexual crap between me and that girl when there wasn't any. And I think you're right about the bullying thing that's why I let it go.

 

Well, a few hours ago we talked some. She says we should "grow up". I don't know what she means by that. This crap is depressing but I'm trying not to be depressed she isn't worth it.

 

I can give her space, only if she doesn't talk to other guys during that. My thing is she'll find some one closer and fall for them and completely forget about me . I kinda knew this would happen though, her growing tired of a LDR..Our families not allowing us to see each other hurts us a lot as well.

 

In all honesty I think shes totally over me but afraid to completely let go. I wish she'd just let go instead of doing this torture to me. I feel like I wasted two years of my life on this person. I gave up doing other things in my life for them and this is the thanks I get. Well this situation has shown me what humans really are...

 

Why does this hurt me so much? I've never even met this person and it just hurts so much .

Edited September 22, 2013 by grenzer

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't have real sexual conversations with that female. That was trolling because "K" always brought up sexual crap between me and that girl when there wasn't any. And I think you're right about the bullying thing that's why I let it go.

 

Well, a few hours ago we talked some. She says we should "grow up". I don't know what she means by that. This crap is depressing but I'm trying not to be depressed she isn't worth it.

 

I can give her space, only if she doesn't talk to other guys during that. My thing is she'll find some one closer and fall for them and completely forget about me . I kinda knew this would happen though, her growing tired of a LDR..Our families not allowing us to see each other hurts us a lot as well.

 

In all honesty I think shes totally over me but afraid to completely let go. I wish she'd just let go instead of doing this torture to me. I feel like I wasted two years of my life on this person. I gave up doing other things in my life for them and this is the thanks I get. Well this situation has shown me what humans really are...

 

Why does this hurt me so much? I've never even met this person and it just hurts so much .

 

I'm sorry OP, but do you really not think some of the things YOU have done have tormented HER? You need to man up and take some responsibility here. Don't play the victim too much, because you have said and done some ridiculous things too. (trolling her with another girl? Burning her letters and posting the video on Youtube??) A huge problem is that neither of you is willing to look in the mirror and see how your own actions have contributed to this disaster.

 

You have never met this girl. You're both far too young and immature to be in a situation like this. She said she needs space - you really have no choice but to give it to her. You do not have any right to demand she delete all the male contacts on her Skype. It hurts like hell but it's clear she can't be in a relationship with you.

 

If you really feel depressed enough to attempt suicide, you need to seek help immediately. NOT from this girl, but from a professional. Until you heal yourself emotionally, you won't be ready for a relationship anyway. Focus on you and let her go.

[grenzer]

I'm sorry OP, but do you really not think some of the things YOU have done have tormented HER? You need to man up and take some responsibility here. Don't play the victim too much, because you have said and done some ridiculous things too. (trolling her with another girl? Burning her letters and posting the video on Youtube??) A huge problem is that neither of you is willing to look in the mirror and see how your own actions have contributed to this disaster.

 

You have never met this girl. You're both far too young and immature to be in a situation like this. She said she needs space - you really have no choice but to give it to her. You do not have any right to demand she delete all the male contacts on her Skype. It hurts like hell but it's clear she can't be in a relationship with you.

 

If you really feel depressed enough to attempt suicide, you need to seek help immediately. NOT from this girl, but from a professional. Until you heal yourself emotionally, you won't be ready for a relationship anyway. Focus on you and let her go.

 

I have no money for that and I know my actions lead to this. I'm inexperience with women and people in general. I didn't know how to react or behave sometimes .

Edited September 22, 2013 by grenzer

[ExpatInItaly]

Can you check out some books from your local library? You might want to do some research online, too. There are plenty of (free) resources that deal with suicidal feelings and general depression. Also, there are lots of toll-free numbers you can call if you need to talk - that's what they're there for. If you've tried to hurt yourself, you DO need some help. I wish you the best, OP.

[yum yum]

Good lord.

 

Do you EVER meet people in real time? You're living your entire life by some pitiful computer program. Seriously, shut down the computer and get out in the real world. This stuff is such dysfunctional, childish nonsense.

 

Well East Coaster, a very well thought out comment here soooo constructive (can you hear the sarcasm). Over 33% of the worlds population have some form of mental health issue and your comment shows the pure ignorance of some people and why there is such a stigma attached.

[grenzer]

Well East Coaster, a very well thought out comment here soooo constructive (can you hear the sarcasm). Over 33% of the worlds population have some form of mental health issue and your comment shows the pure ignorance of some people and why there is such a stigma attached.

 

**** him. And it's more than just her I'm depressed over way more. But this isn't the place to talk about my entire life. Anyway, I talked to my mom about it and I feel better.

[yum yum]

its good that you talked to someone, message me if you need to.