Anyone have any suggestions? Are these flags?

[Mycroftisyourcroft]

Okay, so I typed up a SUPER detailed version of this last night, but I wasn't logged in properly so I lost it all in one go...stoopid me.

So, there are two main issues I have with my boyfriend of a year, and apart from these issues, and the small scuffles that stem from them, everything between us is pretty good (nothing we can't work out). I think that it's between the 6 month and the 1 year mark that character flaws in a person start to make themselves known, depending on how often you see them. In this case, they are certainly starting to worry me a bit.

Firstly, we are in a long distance relationship and have been for only 2 months, expected for another 4 months, where I'm in England working as an Intern for a small company, and he's back in Australia not doing much (relaxing, since we've just finished our French Baccalaureate). I was offered the job about 4 months before the final exams, and I told him straight away that I was really excited for this, seeing as I'd never really had a lot of time to myself away from my parents, it was in a country I loved, I would be earning great pay, and had free accommodation/food with family friends for the whole time. The only real issue was if I failed the exam (thankfully I didn't ) and him. After his initial shock, he assured me that he would come too, and live there for 4 months of the 6, either with me, or nearby in his own place, while he got tutoring work (we're both French) or worked as a barman. Anyway, everything was great until... he started getting cold feet. I was talking with him about the subject and how happy I was to get this opportunity to be with him, just us two, with no stress or cringe-worthy family members to worry about (his mother is a little awkward with me, and my mother doesn't approve of her 18 year old daughter having a 19 year old boyfriend you see), when he asked me, out of the blue, if I could spend a maximum of 4 months there. I was a bit surprised, and asked him why, to which he replied that he didn't want to go there all that much, and though he'd stay for at least (now) 3 months, he didn't want me to be away for that long. I was a bit hurt actually that he wasn't seeing this from my point of view, and how great an opportunity it was for me, even though I'd spent quite a lot of time worrying about him, and how I could make this better for him (letters by snail-mail, Skype calls, little presents in the mail, visits to France for the two of us every so often ect...). I told him I'd already shortened it from the initial 8 months down to 6, for him, and said I didn't understand why he didn't want to come either, since he'd be sure to find work, free or cheap accommodation, he'd be close to our best mutual friends (Uni in London) and we'd have a lot more time together and more freedom, but he never really answered.

Fast forward a bit, the exams were done, I was packed and ready to go, and our second last meeting before I left, he spent most of the time trying to persuade me to stay for 3 months, then come back for good. I told him I'd already signed a contract with them for a certain amount of time, and he responded with a conspiracy theory, telling me to watch out because they only wanted me there so they could go over to see their friends and family in Australia, leaving me behind to babysit their son (which, by the way, they have not done, and would've told me if they planned to do so). Finally, when we recently met up in Paris, the first thing we did was argue, for that afternoon and night, because he had told me that he was no longer planning to come to England at all (despite him saying he planned to come for one week shortly before we met up in Paris). The argument consisted of me being supremely disappointed in him, and him trying to defend himself from my silent treatment, which he had never encountered before, due to my tolerating his problems and never nagging. He kept trying to prove that if wasn't his fault, and, when I still wouldn't respond he changed the topic, saying that I had no right to be disappointed when his mother had recently borrowed 9000 euros from his Uni funds without asking him and that I should be focusing on that instead. He babbled on about that for a while but, when I hadn't started making outraged noises at his mother, demanded why I wasn't listening to him. I replied that I HAD be listening to him, but that I didn't see how it was relevant. I said that I was disappointed because I had been looking forward to 4 months with just the two of us, working and travelling together, and now I had absolutely nothing of that, except these couple of days, where he had come specifically to meet up with his friends in Paris. He stopped short, and said 'yeah I suppose that would be disappointing', but never apologized, in either word or action, because he just doesn't seem to do that, which brings me to my other issue.

This is a really shameful reason for a quarrel, but it happened anyway. I wanted to order some items on eBay for Winter (jumpers and the like), but because I haven't been set up with a credit card yet, the payments would have been slow and arduous, taking up to a week and a half to get through to the seller. I therefore asked my boyfriend if he could buy the items, put my UK address as the delivery address, and I would pay him back immediately via bank transfer. I made it clear to him that these were important to me, and that if he couldn't/didn't want to help, I could find other options. He agreed to help, and I sent him the links with the information on when the items ended, and reminded him that my favourite one finished in 2 hours (10pm his time). Well, he obviously didn't get that particular message (although he definitely got the links) because I watched my item go to somebody else. I sent him a message asking why he said he would help me, then didn't do anything. I told him that I would be surprised if he'd gone to sleep since he rarely (if ever) goes to sleep before 1am. I had felt especially secure since he'd agreed to help, and must've looked at the items at least, since he was supposedly buying them. I was obviously expecting too much though, because he didn't get a single one, and, bitter and disappointed, I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning expecting an apology, but was accused of being materialistic, and obsessed, and too demanding. He told me how fortunate he was that his phone had been on silent so he hadn't been woken by his agitated girlfriend. We grumbled a bit, and I told him that I was expecting him to say sorry for letting me down when I made it clear that if he didn't want to/couldn't help me, I would find other ways. He EVENTUALLY apologized, very specifically, that he hadn't looked to find out when the things finished. Nothing more, nothing less, and I really had to pry it out of him by apologizing for my being obsessed first.

Part of the reason for his calling me materialistic was the fact that I tried explaining to him gently that I find gifts to be the most powerful way of expressing love in a relationship, not necessarily expensive ones, but presents that I can see had a lot of thought or time put into them, like the ones I give the people I love (I made a heart-shaped box out of shortbread that I cooked, decorated it, filled it with his favourite sweets and put it and a jar of his favourite peanut butter in a decorated shoebox, lined with cellophane). I really like the gifts he gives me, but I get the impression that they are, what he considers to be a 'chore' of the relationship.

Anyway, conclusion, these two situations aren't the only problems, but the other issues are all tiny comparatively for me, and they really illustrate what I consider to be the worst times in our relationship. Do you think they show red flags that I should watch out for? Does anyone else have any similar experiences where things changed for the better? Am I over-reacting? I'm quite empathic, and I always try to see my faults from his perspective, to improve myself for everyone around us and for me, but I don't feel as if he's doing the same...

[Mycroftisyourcroft]

really? are there no suggestions guys?

[salparadise]

Let's see if I got the gist of it...

 

He doesn't want to temporarily move to the other side of the planet, you don't feel that he puts enough effort into your presents, he's not enthusiastic about bidding and paying for your ebay shopping... and you're asking if these are red flags indicating character flaws?

 

Yes, they probably are.

 

My suggestion - hire a personal assistant (make sure s/he can edit and double space).

Edited September 22, 2013 by salparadise

[Mycroftisyourcroft]

This doesn't seem very helpful sorry, but I'll assume you're serious

 

1/ "He doesn't want to temporarily move to the other side of the planet"

 

Okay, so I think you may have misunderstood something/ I didn't explain something. He LOVES to travel and see new places. Granted, that's not the same as moving temporarily, but the issue I had wasn't really that he didn't want to come, but that he didn't want to compromise. He wanted ME to give up totally on something that was important to me, just for him (which by EVERYTHING I've ever heard about relationships, is very unhealthy). I attempted to make the best outcome for him, from his perspective, but he didn't even try it.

 

Essentially, he wanted me to sacrifice something important to me, while he didn't have to shift his butt at all, and stood only to gain.

 

 

2/ "you don't feel that he puts enough effort into your presents"

 

I can see how you arrived at that conclusion, but that isn't what I meant to say at all. I did say that I liked the presents he gave me, but that I felt HE felt it was a chore. What I really wanted was someone who had an experience where they/their SO was like me in terms of gifts-showing-thoughtfulness-and-love, and how they dealt with that particular conversation and explanation.

 

 

3/ "he's not enthusiastic about bidding and paying for your ebay shopping"

 

Again... you seem to have misunderstood something... Where did I ever say I expected him to be enthusiastic about ebay shopping? I have never even taken him shopping with me for ANYTHING apart from food. The thing that got me was that isn't it normal to be able to trust your partner enough to do something when they've said they will? Especially when you say it's important to you? All he had to do was buy three items, done in 1 minute, and he didn't have to spend a penny, since I was paying him back the moment he'd bought them.

 

Sorry if you misunderstood me, hopefully you will better this time since the spacing's better

[coolheadal]

You both are very young once you hit 20, then 21, then 22, then 23, by the time you are at 25 then you will see the picture.

 

Let him do his own thing for his career where he is and you work on your building your career were you on.

 

Got to give each other space. In the meantime you never know what will happen?

 

I can see your at a lost and he really doesn't seem to get it yet. Like I said still need too grow and he does too.

 

Your parents know best but they're going by the fact how they were when they were your age.

 

I understand you wanted to share with use your life as you see it now.

 

The best advise is to let it play out. People can change if you just give it some time. What is the rush. Both are under 20 just wait and see?

[salparadise]

I am kind of at a loss for words, as is apparently everyone else given that in four days mine was the only response. Mine was a bit tongue-in-cheek in that I boiled that wall of text down to a sentence, and when I said yes, these probably are red flags I meant red flags for him. But I'll try and give you a serious answer now...

 

Basically, the way you described the situation gives the impression that you see yourself at the center of the universe and your boyfriend as an orbiting satellite. He's not making enough sacrifices for you––you aren't happy that he's not dancing like a puppet on a string. Nothing you object to would be inherently considered a relationship violation, imho.

 

He's perfectly within his rights not to want to move temporarily to keep you company while you do whatever it is you're doing. How do you come by this expectation? It's not your offer or his choice that's the issue... it's that you are overtly critical of him for being his own person and exercising free will.

 

Complaining about gifts not being up to your standard (or whatever the problem is), or questioning the motive, is ungracious. Ever hear the expression, never look a gift-horse in the mouth? Well, that's what it means. Maybe it is a chore for him, but if he's making the effort what's the problem?

 

Obviously, he didn't care to do your ebay clothes shopping for you, but my guess is that he didn't feel he could say no at the time. Granted, he should have declined. Hopefully he will learn to be more assertive in the future. But once again, where does the expectation originate that someone else should be delighted to expend their time and energy taking care of your mundane chores?

 

I know this is not at all what you want to hear as we all want to have our opinion validated, but I hope you will think about it nonetheless. I think I remember you saying you are very young, and hopefully you will gain perspective as you mature.

 

"Everyone carries their own water."

- unknown

[clia]

Honestly, paragraph breaks are your friend. The wall of text you presented is why you don't have more replies. Also, I feel like I jumped in in the middle of a story that's jumping all over the place in time and includes a ton of extraneous, irrelevant information.

 

You are 18 and he is 19?

 

You are both from AU?

 

You are now in England for the next four months on an internship?

 

You want him in England; at first he said he would go, then he changed his mind and you are upset?

 

You are also mad at him because he didn't buy you a couple of sweaters on eBay?

 

Is that the gist of it?

 

If so, I think you are overreacting. First off, 4 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and I can hardly blame a 19 year old kid for not wanting to move to London for 4 months. I don't care how much he likes to travel. Second, there will be other sweaters.