After 7 years and 8 months, I told mm I'm done!

[canuckprincess]

So a little history for those who don't know my story. Almost 2 years ago mm told his wife about our affair. She freaked out and he promised to never see or speak to me again well, we never stopped we just changed our schedule. She tried to make him carry a tracking devise and he refused. He has been trying to continue cake eating. Well yesterday after he promised me he wouldn't go on vacation he changed his mind and they are leaving this weekend for three weeks. I called him every name in the book and told him I'm done. I even called his house hoping his wife would answer. I was gonna ask her if she wanted the truth. So I asked him to not contact me unless he tells her or leaves her. Twice today he called me and hung up, we do that to each other it's our way of saying I love you. It's easy to go LC or NC while he's on holidays, the true test will be when he comes back from holidays. I'm gonna try my hardest to stick to it so I may need to reach out to all you wonderful people on this forum. He tells me he'll never stop talking to me, doesn't he realize how hard this is? I hope to be able to be friendly in the future but right now I need to break the addiction.

[Goodbye]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I really do wish you could muster the internal strength to stick to your words and block this guy. You've said before that you can't go NC because "he won't." That isn't acceptable. You've given this man a big chunk of his life and off he goes on holiday with the wife. Take the anger you feel and make it productive. Be done with him.

[Quiet Storm]

He probably never intended to stay home from the vacation. He just waited until the last minute to tell you because he is a conflict avoider. He tells you both what you want to hear, and does what he wants anyway.

[whichwayisup]

Theres been a rash of these lately - OW hurt, angry, and proclaiming to be ending things - due to MM going on vacation with his W. You sound no more convincing than the others. Youre just acting out of anger, and like the rest you'll run right back to him once he returns and texts you a few extra ILYs

 

I agree the above is much of the time, but in this circumstance, she called his wife - I believe she's at her breaking point. Enough is enough already. The guy has to decide once and for all and not keep two women for himself. Everybody is hurting and he's the cause of it.

 

Canuck, I wish you strength to keep going with this. It won't be easy but if you really mean it, it's over, then make it over!

[happy stillmore]

OMG Canuck!

 

That is huge for you!I I would be angry too. You and I are in similar situations. My xMM told his wife two years ago about us two years ago. He broke it off with me stating his wife wanted him to try one more time. Anyway, two months later he contacted me and we continued our relationship. Although our communication was more limited. It would come in waves where I would get fed up and get angry, almost end it but gave in. Finally, I saw summer coming and I knew his wife would want to go on vacation. So I decided to spare myself the aggravation and ended it. I knew he wasn't going to stand up to her. So here I am in NC since June. I will be very honest. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm sad a lot but I KNOW in my heart, it is the best thing. A part of me knows I'm doing this for my love of myself. You can do this. We will be here for you.

 

If I were you, I would make it clear to him that you are ending it BEFORE he goes on his trip. I wouldn't wait until he comes back. This might sound wicked of me but I would want to secretly put a damper on his trip. He is deciding to go and act like everything is fine and be a couple. Well, he can do that knowing he is making his choice. Actions speak louder than words. It amazes me when I look back on things how I failed to see his actions for what they were: cake eating. Your MM cannot go on having both worlds. You know you deserve much, much more.

Edited September 22, 2013 by happy stillmore

[canuckprincess]

He probably never intended to stay home from the vacation. He just waited until the last minute to tell you because he is a conflict avoider. He tells you both what you want to hear, and does what he wants anyway.

 

I think you are 100 % right, I know the true test will come when he returns. He will email me and yes I'll most likely read them but I am hoping to not reply or to answer his calls while he's on holidays.

[happy stillmore]

"He tells me he'll never stop talking to me, doesn't he realize how hard this is? I hope to be able to be friendly in the future but right now I need to break the addiction."

 

You are going to have to tell yourself he can talk all he wants, you are NOT listening. In fact, block him in all ways possible. Why would you hope to be friendly? After what he has done to you, he should feel lucky you didn't already have his wife's number in your speed dial list. You have been quite accomodating. A dream OW. You need to change OW from meanng Other Woman and change its meaning to "ONLY woman" for a single, deserving guy.

[canuckprincess]

Theres been a rash of these lately - OW hurt, angry, and proclaiming to be ending things - due to MM going on vacation with his W. You sound no more convincing than the others. Youre just acting out of anger, and like the rest you'll run right back to him once he returns and texts you a few extra ILYs

 

I'm not angry, I'm hurting. I don't have to convince anyone but myself. I'm a very strong woman in all other aspects of my life so I can do this.

[canuckprincess]

OMG Canuck!

 

That is huge for you!I I would be angry too. You and I are in similar situations. My xMM told his wife two years ago about us two years ago. He broke it off with me stating his wife wanted him to try one more time. Anyway, two months later he contacted me and we continued our relationship. Although our communication was more limited. It would come in waves where I would get fed up and get angry, almost end it but gave in. Finally, I saw summer coming and I knew his wife would want to go on vacation. So I decided to spare myself the aggravation and ended it. I knew he wasn't going to stand up to her. So here I am in NC since June. I will be very honest. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm sad a lot but I KNOW in my heart, it is the best thing. A part of me knows I'm doing this for my love of myself. You can do this. We will be here for you.

 

If I were you, I would make it clear to him that you are ending it BEFORE he goes on his trip. I wouldn't wait until he comes back. This might sound wicked of me but I would want to secretly put a damper on his trip. He is deciding to go and act like everything is fine and be a couple. Well, he can do that knowing he is making his choice. Actions speak louder than words. It amazes me when I look back on things how I failed to see his actions for what they were: cake eating. Your MM cannot go on having both worlds. You know you deserve much, much more.

 

When I saw him yesterday he said he'll never stop trying. My goal is that when he calls me once he's back that I just don't answer. I'm just tired of him saying one thing and doing another. I still think I will tell his wife but not until I know I'm over him.

[canuckprincess]

I agree the above is much of the time, but in this circumstance, she called his wife - I believe she's at her breaking point. Enough is enough already. The guy has to decide once and for all and not keep two women for himself. Everybody is hurting and he's the cause of it.

 

Canuck, I wish you strength to keep going with this. It won't be easy but if you really mean it, it's over, then make it over!

 

Thank you, your kind words are very helpful.

[happy stillmore]

Canuck,

I would let him know you will not be answering his calls when he returns. In fact, I would make it clear it is over now before he leaves. I know this is scary for you but you can't be Ms Nice anymore. You are going to have to be direct and not passive. Waiting until he returns and then just not returning his calls is confusing. Again, I would be direct in telling me you are ending the R before he leaves do he can have time to think for the three weeks he is away. I only knew my xMM for almost three years and I was lost without him in my world. I realized how alone I was in my life. just know others have been through this. It feels like you are doing but you will survive. It takes time to change your brain patterns and perceptions of this man.

 

I really don't understand his statement of "I will always keep trying." He is a grown man. He can make decisions in his life. If he wants his life with you, he can make his life with you. Can you be honest with yourself? What do you think he will do? Stay with his wife or end his M? I think you have a gut feeling and you are afraid it isn't going to be what you hope. It stinks I know to be in this position.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

Edited September 22, 2013 by happy stillmore

[canuckprincess]

Canuck,

I would let him know you will not be answering his calls when he returns. In fact, I would make it clear it is over now before he leaves. I know this is scary for you but you can't be Ms Nice anymore. You are going to have to be direct and not passive. Waiting until he returns and then just not returning his calls is confusing. Again, I would be direct in telling me you are ending the R before he leaves do he can have time to think for the three weeks he is away. I only knew my xMM for almost three years and I was lost without him in my world. I realized how alone I was in my life. just know others have been through this. It feels like you are doing but you will survive. It takes time to change your brain patterns and perceptions of this man.

 

I really don't understand his statement of "I will always keep trying." He is a grown man. He can make decisions in his life. If he wants his life with you, he can make his life with you. Can you be honest with yourself? What do you think he will do? Stay with his wife or end his M? I think you have a gut feeling and you are afraid it isn't going to be what you hope. It stinks I know to be in this position.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Honestly I think if he knows I'm serious about ending then I'm about 90 percent sure he will leave his marriage. He's never had to be without me so he has no idea how much he's gonna miss me. I know he attempt to sweet talk me when he returns but I have to dig my heels and stand my ground. I did tell him yesterday that I was done, and when he said he'll never give up on us I threatened to tell his wife and he said go ahead and do whàt I think is best. I pretended to send her a video and he appeared happy. I don't know what he truly wants.

[happy stillmore]

Why doesn't he tell his wife? He can easily just tell her at any time. Why is he leaving it to you to do it? Do you think because he knows your history together (the length of time that you were together yet went along with the secret), he doesn't believe you will do it?

 

I suppose I could have called xMM's wife and fought for him. I could have told her everything but I felt it wasn't my place. I felt he should be the one to tell her. He didn't have the guts. I think he wanted me to do it. I wanted him to do it because he 100% wanted to do it so he wouldn't regret later.

 

If you truly believe he would leave his wife if he thought you were leaving, why wouldn't you end it earlier? I soooo would have done it yesterday if I could get my guy. I was never that sure he would leave his wife. No matter how much I wanted to believe.

 

I think you are on the right path. You are realizing this life of sharing is not one you can accept anymore.

Edited September 22, 2013 by happy stillmore

[Leelou]

I still think I will tell his wife but not until I know I'm over him.

 

Don't tell his wife, that would be betraying him. You too are to blame for this affair, so it's not your right to rat him out.

 

I suppose you want to strike at their marriage, which appears strong enough to resist you and your affair, since they are both going on vacation.... but it's really vindictive for you to do that, so don't.

 

If you think about it, MM still wants his marriage, and why would you take that away from him when he clearly still wants it? Surely it's enough punishment for you to take YOU away from him (and yes, he clearly also still wants YOU)... without having to resort to taking his wife away from him! After all, she still wants him too!

 

Just butt out gracefully. Sorry, but it's not for us ow to 'tell the wife', it just isn't.

[LilGirlandOW]

Good for you Canuck!

 

I hope you meet a nice, hot single guy while he's gone

 

xoxox Girl!

[KathyM]

The bum doesn't deserve ANY woman. Not you or his wife. Go ahead and tell the wife. You would be doing her a favor. She deserves to know the truth about who she is married to. How unfortunate if she were forced to live a lie for her entire life with a man who is such a scoundrel. I think it's great that you are finally freeing yourself from this poor excuse for a man. You could do the same for his wife. The buzzard doesn't deserve any woman.

[Dog Woman]

Canuck, Good for you for telling him your done with him. If you definitely want it to be over then don't worry what he might be thinking or what his motives might be, just focus on yourself and I wouldn't waste your energies telling his wife anything. Aim for making a clean break and a life for yourself.

 

If you are strong, then you can do it. I think you know deep down what you have to do. Listen to your head and not your heart. I ended my 20 month affair and went NC weeks ago and it was a relief to me to be honest and I ended it before my ex MM went on holiday with his wife. I realised that the A was going nowhere. I wanted him but he was never going to leave his wife. However, ex MM has not kept his side of the agreement and contacted me a couple of days ago wanting to meet up etc. I regret responding to his text and should have just ignored it or blocked him two days ago but I thought enough is enough and I told him that it would be best all round if we didn't contact eachother. I stupidly hoped that we could just be platonic friends but realised that wouldn't work either emotionally for me and knew my only option was to break all contact. I know I have done the right thing but it hasn't stopped me feeling absolutely awful and sad over the last 24 hours.

 

His wife and my ex husband never knew about the A and I would have exMM back in my life tomorrow but only if he is single and divorced but that's up to him and I am not going to try and influence him - what he does in his life has to be his choice.

 

How I have been moving on from the A is by keeping myself busy, throwing myself into new project and family and friends.

[tiernan]

Canuck, good for you. Be prepared that he will be contacting you like crazy after he is back. You will need strength then, so take care of yourself now and do nice things just for you. Almost 8 years of R is such a long time, he will miss you like there is no tomorrow. I have been there, my R was 4 years and he is crying to come back to me. I hope that after three weeks of knowing he is on vacation with his wife your attitude will change and you will not want him. That is what has been working for me and I continue NC.

Good luck to you!

[Dog Woman]

Canuck, good for you. Be prepared that he will be contacting you like crazy after he is back. You will need strength then, so take care of yourself now and do nice things just for you. Almost 8 years of R is such a long time, he will miss you like there is no tomorrow. I have been there, my R was 4 years and he is crying to come back to me. I hope that after three weeks of knowing he is on vacation with his wife your attitude will change and you will not want him. That is what has been working for me and I continue NC.

Good luck to you!

 

Carnuck

That's what has happened with me but I found the strength to tell him it is finally over. I was brutally blunt with him and part of me feels awful for the way I told him it was over, but knowing him the way I do, I hope he has listened this time. Perhaps he has as he has deleted me off facebook. However, has he has been very persistent in our relationship and I am prepared in case he tries to contact me in a few weeks time if he has only deleted me out of hurt and anger.

[bentleychic]

Good luck with NC, Canuck.

 

As long as they are still with their W, I don't see how we can expect or demand that they not go on vacations with their family. That's just me, though.

[canuckprincess]

You pretended? Why didn't you just do it? At that point you had all the reason to since you knew he was going on vacation. And he appeared happy? My guess is he knew you weren't doing it.

 

Perhaps you are right, or he was happy cause he thought I did which means I did the dirty work for him. I didn't send it at that moment because I wasn't sure I even wanted a future with him anymore. I think I deserve better then a lying cheating cake eating pos!

[canuckprincess]

Good luck with NC, Canuck.

 

As long as they are still with their W, I don't see how we can expect or demand that they not go on vacations with their family. That's just me, though.

 

You don't understand, I didn't care about the vacation it's the fact that he lied. I told him 7 years 8 months and 2 days ago, you can lie to you wife and lie to your boss but if you lie to your mistress it's over! He knows if I catch him lying there will be he'll to pay. He claimed right to the end that he only decided that day, which is bull. I know his wife isn't very bright when it comes to seeing through his lies but I am.

[bentleychic]

Ohhhhh. Yes, I get that then. Sorry for misunderstanding.

 

Well...almost 8 years. I cannot imagine. I wish you a fabulous new start and, if you choose to move on with someone else, that you find someone completely available to you and willing to put in 100% of themselves to ONLY you.

[whichwayisup]

You don't understand, I didn't care about the vacation it's the fact that he lied. I told him 7 years 8 months and 2 days ago, you can lie to you wife and lie to your boss but if you lie to your mistress it's over! He knows if I catch him lying there will be he'll to pay. He claimed right to the end that he only decided that day, which is bull. I know his wife isn't very bright when it comes to seeing through his lies but I am.

 

Canuck, I don't understand how you could put that expectation on him, not to lie to you since an affair is based on a big fat lie to begin with. To create another life with someone else, IS a big lie, when you're already married.

 

You set yourself (him actually) to fail here. I've never ever read that a MM or MW hasn't lied or omitted truths to their OW/OM.

 

His wife for some reason trusts him and he's a pretty good and skilled liar, has mastered it so to think he's never lied to you (only this one time) sorry, is kind of out there. I mean that nicely, k.

[canuckprincess]

Don't tell his wife, that would be betraying him. You too are to blame for this affair, so it's not your right to rat him out.

 

I suppose you want to strike at their marriage, which appears strong enough to resist you and your affair, since they are both going on vacation.... but it's really vindictive for you to do that, so don't.

 

If you think about it, MM still wants his marriage, and why would you take that away from him when he clearly still wants it? Surely it's enough punishment for you to take YOU away from him (and yes, he clearly also still wants YOU)... without having to resort to taking his wife away from him! After all, she still wants him too!

 

Just butt out gracefully. Sorry, but it's not for us ow to 'tell the wife', it just isn't.

 

Oh no it's not betraying him because he gave me his word and we had an agreement that if he went on holidays I was to her a video of him confessing to us still being together. So no the only one betraying anyone is him.