ladydesigner Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 I know that once he returns NC will be impossible. But if I see or talk to him things will be different. NC is not impossible I had to do it with my xAP. I was in an A once so I understand, even though I am currently a BS. It is your life Canuck and you get to decide how you want to live it. If you need contact you know what that entails. There is no way to force your MM to leave just like I cannot force my WH not see anyone, at some point I think we need to decide what is healthy for ourselves. I can feel your pain through your posts and I know how much you love your MM. I just wish you strength on whatever path you chose. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 Stay strong, Canuck. I understand the moments of weakness but you have nothing to gain by contacting him right now. Every day that you don't you will heal that little bit more. Keep with it. Don't let him own your life a day longer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 I know that once he returns NC will be impossible. But if I see or talk to him things will be different. Canuck, I am about to share with you - and anyone else who reads this "anonymous" forum - a very painfully true story about going NC and hope that I can offer some insight in the end. When my boyfriend before my current husband (two commitment phobes in a row, I was really doing great) and I broke up, I was absolutely devastated. We had dated for nearly four years. Everyone thought we were going to get married. We had looked at property together; paid an architect for building plans; ran our first marathons together. He was a part of my family and God, I really, really loved his family. So, things started going south. When we were together, he would give me all of the lip service in the world, but being together started to dwindle. It was all very "up and up." As a former very serious cyclist, he had the opportunity to help train someone who had made it into the Tour de France. It was exciting and amazing for him. And then, one day, I was chatting away about some furniture I had found for our new house and mentioned that we could stop by the store on our way to another "pre-wedding" appointment we had related to finances. He stopped in the middle of the f-ing sidewalk and told me he didn't want to marry me. He was not sure he even loved me anymore. I don't remember leaving. I don't remember driving home. I remember going into the office the next day and casually saying that the wedding was off when someone asked a question about the furniture. I sat in my office and cried. I went no contact because I was hurt and mad. He didn't call. For a solid week, he did not call. To try and get some sleep, I would go down on my couch at night because all I would do is cry if I tried to sleep in our bed. In my old house, the only bathroom was on the second floor. I got up to use the bathroom at about 3 a.m. and made it to the top of the stairs, where I promptly passed out. Two-three more inches one way or another and I would have fallen down the stairs and seriously harmed - if not possibly killed - myself. I realized that God wasn't going to save me. My ex wasn't going to save me. My family couldn't save me and my friends couldn't save me. It was up to me. I could wallow and fall apart over what I had lost or I could start making choices. I made a list of what I really wanted out of my life and having a lifetime partner who was dedicated to our relationship as much as I was came out on top. I knew in my heart that it was not my ex... as much as I really wanted to be. Two days later, he called. I didn't answer. He called repeatedly for about a week. I just couldn't answer. I deleted my Facebook, told all of my family and my personal friends - I genuinely didn't care what his family and friends thought at the time - and I actually had to change my phone number so he couldn't text me. I threw my phone in a small lake near my house known to have water moccasins in it. Eventually, I met my husband - who pulled something somewhat close to what my ex had done, but then really ponied up and became the man of my dreams and I have the marriage and relationship that I never even knew existed. I share this because I think you are in a somewhat similar place. You desperately love someone and can't imagine life without him as your partner. But, in the deepest resources of your heart and mind, you know that it's just not going to work. Whether its his lack of commitment solely to you or the events in his life, it just doesn't work. So, I would ask you, what's your prize? And instead of pursuing it with him are you sacrificing it for him? Self-denial sucks. Had I answered that phone, we would have gotten back together. I'm sure of it because we had had similar instances in the past but this was the worst. And I've seen him go through this same series of events with his current girlfriend. When I see her and I see how beaten down she is, I think about how that could have been me. But it was only through that painful self-denial and the incredibly hard work I did over the next eight months that got me healthy and happy again. At that time, I couldn't imagine having had wasted four years of my life. Now, I'm grateful that I went through that. I always appreciate my husband and even more, I appreciate that I have an inner strength I didn't know I had. Nothing and no one will ever break me again. Because the only one with that power is me. I really, really feel for you. I've never told anyone about passing out on the stairs. For me to break that ice, your story had to be compelling. Whatever you choose, I will support you even if it is to stay. My goal in life is to encourage women to be strong and survive. Hugs, GG 14 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 Thank you for sharing, GG. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 27, 2013 Author Share Posted September 27, 2013 I ordered the book I get it Friday. I couldn't wait for the book to come in so I ordered it and I'm currently reading it on my iPhone. It's official I'm codependent and from what I've read so is my mm's bs. Her birthday is in a few days and I was thinking about buying her the book as well. It would be so funny of her and I both decided he wasn't worth it anymore. Not worth the tears and the lies and the manipulation. It totally sucks loving someone who only truly loves himself whether he realizes it or not. I need to learn how not to be codependent, hopefully the book will help. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 27, 2013 Share Posted September 27, 2013 If you're worrying about his BW I doubt seriously a book is going to help you. I don't think you want to change yourself, sounds like you just want to change everybody else. Why did you put the card on the fridge? Why not in the trash? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 27, 2013 Share Posted September 27, 2013 If you're worrying about his BW I doubt seriously a book is going to help you. I don't think you want to change yourself, sounds like you just want to change everybody else. Why did you put the card on the fridge? Why not in the trash? Not necessarily. Just reading a book within a day or so is not an immediate fix to codependency. It is a process. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 27, 2013 Share Posted September 27, 2013 I do understand that. It takes a pretty introspective person to change something that ingrained (without the help of a therapist). Someone who starts a book and says, " hey that's me, but it's her too, I'm going to force her to do something by telling her," is already shifting the focus away from themselves and most certainly away from self healing. From everything CP says, she is starting to backpedal. The story is changing, becoming more acceptable to her. I doubt he'll ever know she's done because by the time he returns she will have talked herself out of it. I hope not, but that's what seems to be happening in this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 27, 2013 Share Posted September 27, 2013 Great that you are reading the book, Canuck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dog Woman Posted September 28, 2013 Share Posted September 28, 2013 Great that you are reading the book, Canuck! Good luck Canuck. If you truly want this A to be over keep going forward and don't worry about your exMM and his wife, focus purely on you and your needs. I wouldn't overanalyse anything about your past R - it really won't achieve anything if you are moving on with your life. I think you would benefit from doing some kind of personal development. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 28, 2013 Author Share Posted September 28, 2013 Good luck Canuck. If you truly want this A to be over keep going forward and don't worry about your exMM and his wife, focus purely on you and your needs. I wouldn't overanalyse anything about your past R - it really won't achieve anything if you are moving on with your life. I think you would benefit from doing some kind of personal development. I was ok with being in an affair, infact before dday I was happy. It was once we were forced "underground" as they call it. My mm I'm most certain downplayed the entire 6 year affair on dday to in my opinion soften the blow and save his own ass. I became not ok with it when he began "future faking" with me. In almost 8 years I've never asked him to leave his wife. In fact I have told him to focus on his marriage. Truth is he doesn't want to loose what he has had for 8 years. Two woman fighting for him when I know he only loves himself. The only reason I'm pissed is because of the lies, he lies to her and I'm certain he lies to me. I hate being lied too. What kind of personal development are you suggesting? Link to post Share on other sites
Dog Woman Posted September 28, 2013 Share Posted September 28, 2013 I was ok with being in an affair, infact before dday I was happy. It was once we were forced "underground" as they call it. My mm I'm most certain downplayed the entire 6 year affair on dday to in my opinion soften the blow and save his own ass. I became not ok with it when he began "future faking" with me. In almost 8 years I've never asked him to leave his wife. In fact I have told him to focus on his marriage. Truth is he doesn't want to loose what he has had for 8 years. Two woman fighting for him when I know he only loves himself. The only reason I'm pissed is because of the lies, he lies to her and I'm certain he lies to me. I hate being lied too. What kind of personal development are you suggesting? Sorry, I got interrupted and didn't finish what I was going to say about the personal development. I was thinking along the lines of something that boosts your confidence (studying for a new qualification or learning new skills) and makes you feel good so you become less or non dependent upon your MM or if that doesn't appeal to you doing everything that benefits you and makes you feel good at the same time. It sounds like you are having second thoughts about ending the affair. What you decide is entirely up to you and has to be your choice. All I would say is while he is on holiday and is not in contact, use the time to think very carefully about what you want. Of course he's lied to his wife to have an A. I wouldn't take it for granted that he's not going to lie to you at somepoint. One thing my exMM said to me ages ago and is that we would probably never get together as a couple because we wouldn't be able to trust eachother. We had both cheated on our spouses and knew what the other was capable of to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 Sorry, I got interrupted and didn't finish what I was going to say about the personal development. I was thinking along the lines of something that boosts your confidence (studying for a new qualification or learning new skills) and makes you feel good so you become less or non dependent upon your MM or if that doesn't appeal to you doing everything that benefits you and makes you feel good at the same time. It sounds like you are having second thoughts about ending the affair. What you decide is entirely up to you and has to be your choice. All I would say is while he is on holiday and is not in contact, use the time to think very carefully about what you want. Of course he's lied to his wife to have an A. I wouldn't take it for granted that he's not going to lie to you at somepoint. One thing my exMM said to me ages ago and is that we would probably never get together as a couple because we wouldn't be able to trust eachother. We had both cheated on our spouses and knew what the other was capable of to do that. Almost two weeks into mm holidays and I miss him but I'm also not as far along as I'd hoped. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Almost two weeks into mm holidays and I miss him but I'm also not as far along as I'd hoped. What are you learning to DO differently from the book you're reading? Change comes when YOU do things differently! What are YOU changing? Stop thinking about he feels - his wife feels - start thinking how YOU are intending to CHANGE everything - including your thinking! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 What are you learning to DO differently from the book you're reading? Change comes when YOU do things differently! What are YOU changing? Stop thinking about he feels - his wife feels - start thinking how YOU are intending to CHANGE everything - including your thinking! Hey did my therapist call you lol. We had this exact conversation this morning. I have been doing more for myself, started kickboxing yesterday and have been very nice to myself. It's not easy to end a relationship that is so involved as ours is. But all I can do is try. My true test will come when he's back from holidays. Wish me luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I couldn't wait for the book to come in so I ordered it and I'm currently reading it on my iPhone. It's official I'm codependent and from what I've read so is my mm's bs. Her birthday is in a few days and I was thinking about buying her the book as well. It would be so funny of her and I both decided he wasn't worth it anymore. Not worth the tears and the lies and the manipulation. It totally sucks loving someone who only truly loves himself whether he realizes it or not. I need to learn how not to be codependent, hopefully the book will help. Canuck I think it awesome you are reading this book. You are taking steps to find your happiness. I was also codep until my WH's last A. Now there isn't one codep bone in my body You know I would have loved to have a 'normal' conversation with my WH's MOW and her with me. Just one on one honesty. It might have helped her understand that my WH was not a very nice person to her or me. And she could have helped me see a different side too, but I think it takes a while to get there to not have all of those heated emotions and jealousy towards one another. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Hey did my therapist call you lol. We had this exact conversation this morning. I have been doing more for myself, started kickboxing yesterday and have been very nice to myself. It's not easy to end a relationship that is so involved as ours is. But all I can do is try. My true test will come when he's back from holidays. Wish me luck. luck? Ummm, no - luck has nothing to DO with it! You are a product of YOUR CHOICES. So CHOOSE wisely - and choose opposite of what you've chosen in the past! And know what to expect of him when he returns! He will contact you - what YOU CHOOSE will determine YOUR outcome! CHOOSE NOT to see him! CHOOSE not to answer his calls or texts or emails! In fact - take ACTION now and block him from reaching you! Have YOU done that? And when he shows up on your doorstep - don't answer the door - just calls the police and tell them that someone is at the door and you want them REMOVED from YOUR personal space! Take the lead! Take action! Act now instead of REACTING later...big difference! YOU need to take charge of YOUR destiny! What are you planning to do about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Dog Woman Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Almost two weeks into mm holidays and I miss him but I'm also not as far along as I'd hoped. Ending any relationship is hard, especially if it has been long term. Take things a step at a time. Set yourself small achievable goals. I note that you have started kick boxing and are being good to yourself. That's great, keep it going. Be positive, be good to yourself but more importantly concentrate on your needs and noone else's. Like someone else has already said, don't worry about what your MM or his family are feeling/thinking. You have to look after yourself. I wish you all the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gisss Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Hi Canuck, Firs of all, please tell me how did you manage to have a relationship with this man for 7 years? I think I need to talk to you! I'm almost in the same situation but I sometimes cannot be happy. The difference is that my MM's wife knows and has no problem! So I suffer even more maybe because she loves him more than me... You're so strong and I would admire you a lot if you can do what you said: not answer his calls or messages! I can't do that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 Hi Canuck, Firs of all, please tell me how did you manage to have a relationship with this man for 7 years? I think I need to talk to you! I'm almost in the same situation but I sometimes cannot be happy. The difference is that my MM's wife knows and has no problem! So I suffer even more maybe because she loves him more than me... You're so strong and I would admire you a lot if you can do what you said: not answer his calls or messages! I can't do that... Is easy for me to say I'm No contact when he was on holidays but I know I can't just ignore the man I have loved for so long. He is my bestfriend and an amazing lover, I can't and won't give that up. I wish I could message you but your too new for me to send a private message to. If you want to set up a hot male or gee male account I could email you. I can't get into a lot of details on here but I could be quite helpful to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Is easy for me to say I'm No contact when he was on holidays but I know I can't just ignore the man I have loved for so long. He is my bestfriend and an amazing lover, I can't and won't give that up. I wish I could message you but your too new for me to send a private message to. If you want to set up a hot male or gee male account I could email you. I can't get into a lot of details on here but I could be quite helpful to you. You know canuck this is EXACTLY how I feel about my WH, maybe this is why his BS won't give him up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Is easy for me to say I'm No contact when he was on holidays but I know I can't just ignore the man I have loved for so long. He is my bestfriend and an amazing lover, I can't and won't give that up. I wish I could message you but your too new for me to send a private message to. If you want to set up a hot male or gee male account I could email you. I can't get into a lot of details on here but I could be quite helpful to you. So are you saying your A is not over or you plan on continuing when he is back from holidays? Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Hey Canuck, Thanks for the update. It seems there's always the calm after the initial storm. If you haven't, I would at least urge you to re-read this thread and remember how angry you were and why you were justified in feeling that. It just isn't going to go away as I've seen some frustrations in your posts before and I hope you at least figure out some firm boundaries for yourself so he doesn't just think you will roll over. These were your words and your feelings, not something others were trying to twist. I think LadyDesigner summed it up pretty well too, she could very well be feeling all those lovey feelings for him too, so just as you don't want to give him up, neither will she because as he gives you hope he does the same for her. I wish you peace, Canuck I really do! Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted October 8, 2013 Author Share Posted October 8, 2013 So are you saying your A is not over or you plan on continuing when he is back from holidays? Honestly, I'm hurt, angry, sad, mad, lonely and in love with a man who can't seem to commit to anyone. So I have no clue what tomorrow brings. I will keep you all posted as my situation changes. We certainly have to talk because I have a lot to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted October 8, 2013 Author Share Posted October 8, 2013 Hey Canuck, I think LadyDesigner summed it up pretty well too, she could very well be feeling all those lovey feelings for him too, so just as you don't want to give him up, neither will she because as he gives you hope he does the same for her. I wish you peace, Canuck I really do! I'm most certain he future fakes her as well. From what I know about her she's a super smart woman, so he must be telling her exactly what she needs to hear in order to stay. Combine that with afraid to start over at her age and yes I can see why she stays even after all he's done. Link to post Share on other sites
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