Author canuckprincess Posted September 22, 2013 Author Share Posted September 22, 2013 Canuck, I don't understand how you could put that expectation on him, not to lie to you since an affair is based on a big fat lie to begin with. To create another life with someone else, IS a big lie, when you're already married. You set yourself (him actually) to fail here. I've never ever read that a MM or MW hasn't lied or omitted truths to their OW/OM. His wife for some reason trusts him and he's a pretty good and skilled liar, has mastered it so to think he's never lied to you (only this one time) sorry, is kind of out there. I mean that nicely, k. That's the point, he doesn't have to lie to me and he knew that. Yes I know he has mastered the double life and I'm sure his wife knows we are still together but he has some how managed to fool her yet again. On another site she visits I came right out and asked if the bs in our triangle wanted to know the truth and she didn't respond. I guess she just stuck her head further in the sand. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 He probably never intended to stay home from the vacation. He just waited until the last minute to tell you because he is a conflict avoider. He tells you both what you want to hear, and does what he wants anyway. That is what I was thinking. He didn't want to give up his cake eating until the last minute. Sounds familiar. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 When I saw him yesterday he said he'll never stop trying. My goal is that when he calls me once he's back that I just don't answer. I'm just tired of him saying one thing and doing another. I still think I will tell his wife but not until I know I'm over him. My exMM is a bit like yours....just doesn't give up. Doesn't change things either. I have mastered ignoring him. I've been sucked into talking with him a few times since I started NC, but I have never agreed to see him again and have ended each conversation with the same resolve: don't call me if you are married. It isn't easy, but you need to do something to strengthen your resolve. In your case (and likely in mine) I think telling the W is needed. Your MM won't leave his wife and he won't leave you alone. You need to make his life a little less comfortable by 1)not supporting him when he calls 2)let him have some discomfort on the homefront. Tell his wife. What do you have to lose? Your MM? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 You don't understand, I didn't care about the vacation it's the fact that he lied. I told him 7 years 8 months and 2 days ago, you can lie to you wife and lie to your boss but if you lie to your mistress it's over! He knows if I catch him lying there will be he'll to pay. He claimed right to the end that he only decided that day, which is bull. I know his wife isn't very bright when it comes to seeing through his lies but I am. Ok then...stand behind your words and MAKE it over. Only you can do that. He lied to his mistress. Your job as mistress should be done. If he wants you back it can be in another role than mistress. Don't make empty threats and then not follow up. It just proves to him, over and over, he can have his cake and eat it too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 I still think I will tell his wife but not until I know I'm over him. No if you're gonna tell her, tell her soon. To wait until you're over him could be a year or more. She isn't going to take your word, so many months or a year later. Is this why you're not going to tell her? Because if she kicks him out, divorces him, he'll come immediately to you? Getting him by default, not by his choice? Or are you hoping if she does kick him out if you wait until you're over him, that you'll then have the strength to tell him no way and get out of my life? Just wondering what the angle is for waiting to tell her. Be honest with yourself.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 My exMM is a bit like yours....just doesn't give up. Doesn't change things either. I have mastered ignoring him. I've been sucked into talking with him a few times since I started NC, but I have never agreed to see him again and have ended each conversation with the same resolve: don't call me if you are married. It isn't easy, but you need to do something to strengthen your resolve. In your case (and likely in mine) I think telling the W is needed. Your MM won't leave his wife and he won't leave you alone. You need to make his life a little less comfortable by 1)not supporting him when he calls 2)let him have some discomfort on the homefront. Tell his wife. What do you have to lose? Your MM? Excellent advice. The thing is, on some level I think it will be a relief for it to totally be over. To say it's over and actually know and feel it's over are two different things. To end it in your head and then not follow through or leave the door open a crack in the long run prevents you from truly grieving the loss, that final pain of him leaving your life for good. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 So a little history for those who don't know my story. Almost 2 years ago mm told his wife about our affair. She freaked out and he promised to never see or speak to me again well, we never stopped we just changed our schedule. She tried to make him carry a tracking devise and he refused. He has been trying to continue cake eating. Well yesterday after he promised me he wouldn't go on vacation he changed his mind and they are leaving this weekend for three weeks. I called him every name in the book and told him I'm done. I even called his house hoping his wife would answer. I was gonna ask her if she wanted the truth. So I asked him to not contact me unless he tells her or leaves her. Twice today he called me and hung up, we do that to each other it's our way of saying I love you. It's easy to go LC or NC while he's on holidays, the true test will be when he comes back from holidays. I'm gonna try my hardest to stick to it so I may need to reach out to all you wonderful people on this forum. He tells me he'll never stop talking to me, doesn't he realize how hard this is? I hope to be able to be friendly in the future but right now I need to break the addiction. What??? "how" is hanging up on each other showing "love"? Really think about that and please try not to get defensive because I am not trying to attack, I'm only trying to point out an outsider's pov that isn't what "love" would look like. This isn't 3rd grade when the boy pulls the pony tail on the playground and runs away. I do get it. I had experienced all that high low drama stuff, when I would fight with my ex and then scream for him to leave me alone, he would call incessantly and I would slam the phone down and he would keep calling, eventually we would make up but then something else would happen....wash, rinse repeat. He used to say because we "loved" with such passion, we would fight with equal passion:rolleyes: Well it took a long time but I've learned that's not what love looks like at all. Love looks like saying what you mean and doing what you say. If someone wants space and asks for it, the other person GIVES it to them because they love them and are doing what is asked. They don't push their agenda and disregard the other person. It may "feel" like love, but it's dysfunction at it's finest. Albeit passionate dysfunction but dysfunction nonetheless. Oh I had the drive outs 45 miles one way just to put roses and a "I'm sorry" card in my car, but all it did was perpetuate the toxic dysfunction and mess with my head. It as I said, took a long while to unravel all of that unhealthy thought patterns and figure out the truth. It took awhile to accept while "he" and therefore I may have thought it was real love, it wasn't. Sure it was "love" the best he could show, but really it was more an obsession. He wouldn't know love if it bit him in the azz, he's still searching.True love wouldn't cause all of those DRAMATIC lows. All of those highs and lows were e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.n.g. Now that I've experienced real love it's like night and day. It's like someone turned a light on. That's what I try to share. To empower yourself for better. Be it happy alone, or finding the happiness to share with someone else. I get no joy out of reading about people's pain, but there are choices to end that pain, and enter into the light. I hope for your sake this isn't a "boy who cried wolf" scenario. Because like another poster said, I think he doesn't think there's any bite to your threat, it's all bark. And he'll schmooz you when he returns, but you, if you don't stick to your threat and make it a reality will be showing him he can walk all over you but you'll eventually forgive in the name of "love". We do teach others how to treat us. Demand better. I wish you peace. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 22, 2013 Author Share Posted September 22, 2013 What??? "how" is hanging up on each other showing "love"? Really think about that and please try not to get defensive because I am not trying to attack, I'm only trying to point out an outsider's pov that isn't what "love" would look like. This isn't 3rd grade when the boy pulls the pony tail on the playground and runs away. I do get it. I had experienced all that high low drama stuff, when I would fight with my ex and then scream for him to leave me alone, he would call incessantly and I would slam the phone down and he would keep calling, eventually we would make up but then something else would happen....wash, rinse repeat. He used to say because we "loved" with such passion, we would fight with equal passion:rolleyes: Well it took a long time but I've learned that's not what love looks like at all. Love looks like saying what you mean and doing what you say. If someone wants space and asks for it, the other person GIVES it to them because they love them and are doing what is asked. They don't push their agenda and disregard the other person. It may "feel" like love, but it's dysfunction at it's finest. Albeit passionate dysfunction but dysfunction nonetheless. Oh I had the drive outs 45 miles one way just to put roses and a "I'm sorry" card in my car, but all it did was perpetuate the toxic dysfunction and mess with my head. It as I said, took a long while to unravel all of that unhealthy thought patterns and figure out the truth. It took awhile to accept while "he" and therefore I may have thought it was real love, it wasn't. Sure it was "love" the best he could show, but really it was more an obsession. He wouldn't know love if it bit him in the azz, he's still searching.True love wouldn't cause all of those DRAMATIC lows. All of those highs and lows were e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.n.g. Now that I've experienced real love it's like night and day. It's like someone turned a light on. That's what I try to share. To empower yourself for better. Be it happy alone, or finding the happiness to share with someone else. I get no joy out of reading about people's pain, but there are choices to end that pain, and enter into the light. I hope for your sake this isn't a "boy who cried wolf" scenario. Because like another poster said, I think he doesn't think there's any bite to your threat, it's all bark. And he'll schmooz you when he returns, but you, if you don't stick to your threat and make it a reality will be showing him he can walk all over you but you'll eventually forgive in the name of "love". We do teach others how to treat us. Demand better. I wish you peace. You make excellent valid points, I'm sure things are different this time because I think I may have fallen out of love a bit. This is no longer fun, it's too much drama! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 Perhaps you are right, or he was happy cause he thought I did which means I did the dirty work for him. I didn't send it at that moment because I wasn't sure I even wanted a future with him anymore. I think I deserve better then a lying cheating cake eating pos! Why do I feel that a guy who waits for his mistress to tell his wife about the affair is not worthy of either of them? What kind of guy is this? He is indecisive, manipulative, and cowardly. Is there really something special about this one guy or is he just warding off loneliness? I'm sure you could meet someone with integrity who would be with you and faithful to you. However, as long as you are mentally attached to this guy, you would not be sending out 'available' signals to others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 I wonder if coming here during NC is helpful or more hurtful? It's only been two days and because mm is on holidays he may not even realize I was serious when I told him I was done. The true test will be middle of October when he returns to work and calls me. I know he will email me and attempt to call me while he's away but I am gonna try very hard to ignore the call. I'm sad and I know I will have to see or at least speak to him because we have a few loose ends to tie up. I just pray I have the strength to break this toxic addiction I have to him. Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 We are here for you, Canuck. This will be the hardest thing for you to do. But, it will be so worth it. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 We are here for you, Canuck. This will be the hardest thing for you to do. But, it will be so worth it. Good luck to you. Thank you Happy, My concern is that when he calls if I don't answer he will just show up at my house. I'm not a rude person so hanging up on him is not in my nature. I know he thinks I was bluffing about it being over. Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Please, please read this book in the meantime: "codependent no more" by melodie Beattie. The fact that you say you can't be rude to him suggests you put others needs ahead of yours. You need to be selfish for once. Your life is about YOU now. Not about him. He has been enjoying life with two women wanting him. Try to look at him with all of his flaws. Look at him for what he is, a two-timing snake. Read this book before he returns from his trip. I have learned that I am co-dependent. I don't like to make others uncomfortable. I still have a hard time serving with someone. I tend to just give in. Fight for the real you inside. The you that had been buried underneath all of this stress. You are not broken. You are slowly putting yourself together. You will be so free! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 Please, please read this book in the meantime: "codependent no more" by melodie Beattie. The fact that you say you can't be rude to him suggests you put others needs ahead of yours. You need to be selfish for once. Your life is about YOU now. Not about him. He has been enjoying life with two women wanting him. Try to look at him with all of his flaws. Look at him for what he is, a two-timing snake. Read this book before he returns from his trip. I have learned that I am co-dependent. I don't like to make others uncomfortable. I still have a hard time serving with someone. I tend to just give in. Fight for the real you inside. The you that had been buried underneath all of this stress. You are not broken. You are slowly putting yourself together. You will be so free! Last year I bought a book called How to break an addiction to a person but I found it to be a very boring read. have you read co dependent no more and if so did you find it helpful? I will head to the book store tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Dog Woman Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 (edited) I wonder if coming here during NC is helpful or more hurtful? It's only been two days and because mm is on holidays he may not even realize I was serious when I told him I was done. The true test will be middle of October when he returns to work and calls me. I know he will email me and attempt to call me while he's away but I am gonna try very hard to ignore the call. I'm sad and I know I will have to see or at least speak to him because we have a few loose ends to tie up. I just pray I have the strength to break this toxic addiction I have to him. This forum is a very good means of support to help deal with your emotions and get your thoughts and feelings into perspective. It is early days for you and understandably things are raw and you will be feeling sad at ending the relationship. My advice would be to take each day a step at a step and don't worry about how you might feel or react to his return from vacation in a few weeks time. I have surprised myself with this strategy - dd for me was a few weeks ago and I have coped much better than I thought I ever would. My exMM won't give up and has contacted me this morning but I'll deal with it - he's has just done so as I predicted but a lot sooner than I thought. I'm not upset or angry at him and my situation is different to yours in that I would have in my life but only if he is single and divorced. I'll never think badly of him. But your exMM is clearly playing mind games and using you and that is very unhealthy rollercoaster. So telling yourself that you can break the addiction. Ask yourself do you really need to speak to him again? Would it be better to stick to no contact and allow yourself to heal properly and be selfish and concentrate on your needs and what you want? Edited September 23, 2013 by Dog Woman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Hi CP Im in a pretty similar place to you. Wishing you all good things x Today I made a new phrase: I am voluntarily hitting my head against a wall. Over and over. Not much point complaining to the wall. Its my choice. And it makes my head hurt. I know it may sound silly, but its true. Its like being a smoker and complaining about coughing. That's where I am at now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 Hi CP Im in a pretty similar place to you. Wishing you all good things x Today I made a new phrase: I am voluntarily hitting my head against a wall. Over and over. Not much point complaining to the wall. Its my choice. And it makes my head hurt. I know it may sound silly, but its true. Its like being a smoker and complaining about coughing. That's where I am at now. Thank you Waking up you made me giggle for the first time in days, I often feel bad for the damage my head has caused my wall lol. Today is harder then yesterday because we have next to no contact on weekends, but Monday morning I always get my wake up call from my mm. Luckily today I was off anyway so I did sleep in a few extra minutes. Today I'm gonna focus on spending the entire day with my son because he has the day off school. I have serious doubts about wanting to have no contact with him ever again. Problem for me is I don't know if he is feeling the loss cause when we last spoke I had calmed down and we hugged and kissed and I wished him a safe holiday. He may not realize until the day he returns to work that I'm not speaking to him. I know he will email me and try to call me while on vacation but when I don't answer or reply to his emails he may just think I didn't hear the phone or check my emails. It's more difficult losing what I believe is my best friend and the first person I share all my news with. That's what I can't get my head around. I may change my mind by the time he returns and choose to just not see him but still talk to him. Dammit I miss that greedy, selfish, son of a bitch lol. On a side note how long have you been in your affair and what is your current status? Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 Please, please read this book in the meantime: "codependent no more" by melodie Beattie. The fact that you say you can't be rude to him suggests you put others needs ahead of yours. You need to be selfish for once. Your life is about YOU now. Not about him. He has been enjoying life with two women wanting him. Try to look at him with all of his flaws. Look at him for what he is, a two-timing snake. Read this book before he returns from his trip. I have learned that I am co-dependent. I don't like to make others uncomfortable. I still have a hard time serving with someone. I tend to just give in. Fight for the real you inside. The you that had been buried underneath all of this stress. You are not broken. You are slowly putting yourself together. You will be so free! I ordered the book I get it Friday. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 (((canuckprincess))) I know this was hard for you and you have been through so much with this man You are strong girl! You are doing what a lot of WS's and Ap's cannot do and that is ending the A because it is unhealthy for all involved. It's important that you take care of yourself and your mental health during this time. Surround yourself with the love and support of family and friends. I've always liked you and I wish nothing but the best! You deserve better! Good luck with NC too it's hard, but doable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 25, 2013 Author Share Posted September 25, 2013 (((canuckprincess))) I know this was hard for you and you have been through so much with this man You are strong girl! You are doing what a lot of WS's and Ap's cannot do and that is ending the A because it is unhealthy for all involved. It's important that you take care of yourself and your mental health during this time. Surround yourself with the love and support of family and friends. I've always liked you and I wish nothing but the best! You deserve better! Good luck with NC too it's hard, but doable. Thank you so much for your kind words. I know the hard part starts after his holidays. I hope I have the strength when he calls and I don't answer. I love and miss him but I know I need to do this. I have been distracting myself and it helps. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 Stay strong Canuck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 Good luck canuck x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 25, 2013 Author Share Posted September 25, 2013 Thank you so much for your kind words. I know the hard part starts after his holidays. I hope I have the strength when he calls and I don't answer. I love and miss him but I know I need to do this. I have been distracting myself and it helps. So in the mail today was a lovely card he mailed before his holidays. It made me laugh and then I cried. Dammit I miss my sob best friend lol. For a split second I thought about mailing it back to him, but instead it's on the fridge. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 So in the mail today was a lovely card he mailed before his holidays. It made me laugh and then I cried. Dammit I miss my sob best friend lol. For a split second I thought about mailing it back to him, but instead it's on the fridge. Sorry I'm sure that was a setback. Remember NC, get that card and put it with all of his other cards until you are ready to read them again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canuckprincess Posted September 25, 2013 Author Share Posted September 25, 2013 Sorry I'm sure that was a setback. Remember NC, get that card and put it with all of his other cards until you are ready to read them again. I know that once he returns NC will be impossible. But if I see or talk to him things will be different. Link to post Share on other sites
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