After 7 years and 8 months, I told mm I'm done!

[canuckprincess]

You know canuck this is EXACTLY how I feel about my WH, maybe this is why his BS won't give him up.

 

I don't want her to give him up, I want him to be honest with her so I'm not the one that's made out to be the bad one. She has a right to know the truth, and i'm trying to make him "man up" and tell her. I shouldn't have to be the one that does the dirty work for him.

[Ruffian1]

I even called his house hoping his wife would answer. I was gonna ask her if she wanted the truth.

 

So TELL HER THE TRUTH already.

 

You talk about how terrible you feel when he lies to you and that you want the truth. So does she.

 

Why not give some of that truth the BS? He already gave you permission, seemed happy about it. That's because he is prepared for that and . . . .. aint nothin gonna change for him if you do tell her.

[canuckprincess]

So TELL HER THE TRUTH already.

 

You talk about how terrible you feel when he lies to you and that you want the truth. So does she.

 

Why not give some of that truth the BS? He already gave you permission, seemed happy about it. That's because he is prepared for that and . . . .. aint nothin gonna change for him if you do tell her.

 

I don't owe her anything.

[2sunny]

I'm most certain he future fakes her as well. From what I know about her she's a super smart woman, so he must be telling her exactly what she needs to hear in order to stay. Combine that with afraid to start over at her age and yes I can see why she stays even after all he's done.

 

I don't want her to give him up, I want him to be honest with her so I'm not the one that's made out to be the bad one. She has a right to know the truth, and i'm trying to make him "man up" and tell her. I shouldn't have to be the one that does the dirty work for him.

 

You don't owe HIM anything either!

 

There's no reason to worry about him any further. He's a big boy - he will do what's best for himself.

 

It's time for you to take care of yourself. Move forward. No need to communicate with him any further.

 

Stop settling for 2nd. Make yourself your priority...never settle.

[Owl]

I don't owe her anything.

 

What about yourself?

 

You noted repeatedly how horrible you feel about all of this.

 

Why not tell her to alleviate YOURSELF from that pain?

[canuckprincess]

What about yourself?

 

You noted repeatedly how horrible you feel about all of this.

 

Why not tell her to alleviate YOURSELF from that pain?

 

I wish I could answer that.

[Owl]

Then you've not hit rock bottom...yet.

 

You'll truly do things differently when you've reached a point where the pain of what you're doing outweighs the pleasure of what you're feeling.

 

You're just not there yet.

 

Right now...the pleasure of the affair outweighs the pain of your guilt for doing what you're doing.

 

In other words...you regret it, but not enough to do something about it.

 

Until something changes, you'll remain right where you're at. That's ok...when you want to change things, you know we'll be here to help where we can. Until then, nothing can change.

[2sunny]

Did you notice - he's been gone - and it wasn't you he took along with him?

[canuckprincess]

Did you notice - he's been gone - and it wasn't you he took along with him?

 

Yes I did notice that lol. I wouldn't of gone even if I was invited, not my kind of holiday. I prefer poolside at a 5 star resort.

[2sunny]

Yes I did notice that lol. I wouldn't of gone even if I was invited, not my kind of holiday. I prefer poolside at a 5 star resort.

 

That's YOUR way of minimizing your pain and hurt - and justifying the situation at the same time.

 

You do this to yourself - so why would you EXPECT any man to treat you right?

[2sunny]

You told him you are done! If YOU don't follow through with YOUR ACTIONS - then you will just be making yourself the liar.

 

Keep your word. Honor yourself!

[canuckprincess]

You told him you are done! If YOU don't follow through with YOUR ACTIONS - then you will just be making yourself the liar.

 

Keep your word. Honor yourself!

 

I told him I was done cause I was upset, I've had some time to really think.

[ladydesigner]

Honestly, I'm hurt, angry, sad, mad, lonely and in love with a man who can't seem to commit to anyone. So I have no clue what tomorrow brings. I will keep you all posted as my situation changes. We certainly have to talk because I have a lot to say.

 

I don't know why but your situation reminds me of ours (WH and I). These MM have such a great position don't they? I like you canuck I understand how hard it is for everyone. I wish life didn't have to work this way where people get hurt by other people's choices. It was my fault and my WH's fault that our M was so vulnerable, but it was his fault that he kept us (MOW and I) both on the hook after Dday. I was being fooled after Dday, but MOW wasn't. I kept catching them until one day it hit me, "I can't make my WH love me." I let go completely in that moment. I couldn't understand why I was still fighting for this man. I told him by his actions he made his choice, he understood. There has been NC since the last Dday (I hope, but you never know;)) and I can see him wanting to connect with me again, whereas before the other Ddays I could tell he wasn't back with me.

 

Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate just like I have to make decisions on what I'm willing to tolerate. My WH knows now that any future A will end us. We may end anyways because of the A fallout.

[2sunny]

I told him I was done cause I was upset, I've had some time to really think.

 

Are you saying that your word means nothing?

[whichwayisup]

I told him I was done cause I was upset, I've had some time to really think.

 

Think about what? To continue to be his side dish and miss out on having someone to love and be by your side all the time? To share a life with someone who can only be there when he has time for you? Being second fiddle to his wife, his family?

 

Come on, what changed your mind? Habit of having him in your life? Fear of letting go and not having him in your life?

 

CP, please don't go backwards. You were fed up..You ARE fed up with how things are and it was so good that you saw/see this and ended your A. Don't back peddle now and change your mind.

[canuckprincess]

Are you saying that your word means nothing?

 

I'm saying I don't know what I want. I know I love him and that's all I know.

[whichwayisup]

I'm saying I don't know what I want. I know I love him and that's all I know.

 

Then I guess you haven't had enough and you're gonna go back for more.

 

I hope some day soon you wake up and realize this man is not leaving his wife.

 

If you are okay being his OW for life, then enjoy it for what it is. Stop putting obligations and expectations on him. Just let it be an affair, nothing more than that.

[2sunny]

I'm saying I don't know what I want. I know I love him and that's all I know.

 

All the more reason to not communicate with him UNTIL you KNOW exactly what you do and don't need - FOR YOURSELF.

 

Changing your mind and contradicting yourself every few weeks will NEVER send a clear message about what you want and need!

[canuckprincess]

All the more reason to not communicate with him UNTIL you KNOW exactly what you do and don't need - FOR YOURSELF.

 

Changing your mind and contradicting yourself every few weeks will NEVER send a clear message about what you want and need!

 

Not communicating with him is harder then you may think. But all I can do is try.

[2sunny]

Not communicating with him is harder then you may think. But all I can do is try.

 

There is no try - do or do not.

 

 

Make up your mind what you want for YOUR future - then take the ACTION that supports THAT goal.

[Purepony]

I'm saying I don't know what I want. I know I love him and that's all I know.

 

 

Guys please don't bash on her it's obvious she love this man more than she loves herself

[2sunny]

Guys please don't bash on her it's obvious she love this man more than she loves herself

 

Bash? I don't see bashing.

 

I see encouragement to make a DECISION about a goal - whatever that may be - and then encouragement to make that goal happen.

 

The question is:

 

What is her goal?

 

To stay an OW and become happy being silent and secret?

 

Or

 

To cease being his OW and move forward with the chance of finding an available man?

[happy stillmore]

Canuck,

 

I love my xMM too but I love myself more. It kills me that I am not talking to him. I ache with how much I miss him. I seriously think of him every minute when my mind is not preoccupied with my family or work. At every stoplight, while I'm driving, walking down the aisles at the grocery store, etc. I think of him. I miss him. I love him. I would do anything if he could be in my life completely. And that is the true problem, he CAN'T be in my life completely. The fact that it made me sad to have to share him hurt me too much. It made me just as sad as I am now. It hurt me that I couldn't have him the way I wanted. Yet, it hurts me too to not have him in my life. The only good thing is that I know I am respecting myself, I am showing myself that I love me by sticking up for myself. I am not a doormat. I deserve more than this man who can only offer me part-time love.

 

If a man truly loves you, he would do anything to be with you. He is not respecting you or your feelings by thinking you are okay with his part-time love. He is actually saying you are not worthy of more. Perhaps, he is too selfish or egocentric to have the ability to see things from your perspective. Is it all about him? Are you not a real person with real feelings to him? Sure, he may tell you he feels bad about this situation, blah blah blah. But, he is not upset enough to change the situation to protect you from further pain. Instead, he is knowingly inflicting more pain onto you with each day he is committed to his wife and lying to you.

 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! He is not respecting you. You are a person who deserves more than this. Please love yourself because if you do not, no one else will. You know in your heart what we are saying is true. Be strong and stand up for yourself.

[canuckprincess]

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! He is not respecting you. You are a person who deserves more than this. Please love yourself because if you do not, no one else will. You know in your heart what we are saying is true. Be strong and stand up for yourself.

 

I'm going to read this part of your post over and over and over again.

Thank you, I really mean that.

[whichwayisup]

I'm going to read this part of your post over and over and over again.

Thank you, I really mean that.

 

You DO deserve more and you need to love yourself more too!

 

I know it sounds stupid but really do daily affirmations, positive ones that build your confidence level up, puff up your ego and make you feel great about yourself.

 

You love him. Fine. You'll probably love him forever and he'll hold a special place in your heart but that doesn't mean he should be in your life. He makes you feel bad too, and loving him, putting him first before your own needs has done damage. He certainly hasn't put anybody else first, he thinks of himself only. So, start putting YOU first and you'll soon see how important that is.