Dating now vs. late 80's early 90's

[BlueJeanTangerine]

Oh, how times have changed. What a great time that was to date - a free for all. Anyone else agree?

 

I ask because I would love to hear/learn how is dating now? I have been out of the loop for while and my recent experiences have been eye-opening on many levels. And these experiences aren't even dates just observations and literally being approached in very obscene ways.

 

The times they are a changin'....Bob Dylan?? (I think so, never enjoyed his music but high five Bobby D if those are your lyrics)

[hotpotato]

Dating is nowadays is not for the faint at heart.

[ja123]

Dating is nowadays is not for the faint at heart.

 

 

Care to elaborate?

[KatZee]

I feel like there's no such thing as "dating" anymore.

 

At least in my area (NYC) most dudes are looking for casual hook-ups. So they'll be interested for a few weeks, to a couple months TOPS and then they'll pull the "ghost" move where they just completely disappear from your life never to hear from them again.

 

I don't know what happened between past generations and now, but it seems like the respect for dating and honoring the woman has just been lost.

 

Now it's blatantly all about getting laid as soon as possible... there are tons of websites out there that say, "If she doesn't put out by date 3 move on to the next."

 

Everyone has an agenda these days. Very rare is it to find someone truly genuine and honest and open about their situation. Lying is rampant, guys dating multiple women and having sex with multiple women at once is common.

 

Dating is really disgusting. I wouldn't even call it dating. I don't even know what it is lol.

 

Guys don't come up and act respectful, they come up and make comments about a woman's tits or a.ss. They call out from the car as they drive past... like you really think that's going to get you a date?!

[TB Rhine]

Dating for me in the late 90's/early 00's was pretty much... meet a girl at school or work, exchange phone numbers at some point, then either she never answers the phone when I call, OR she talks to me on the phone for hours on end, but drops off the face of the Earth the day we actually make plans. The next time I see her she makes some sort of facile excuse, then we go through the process one or two more times until I give up and drop it.

 

Nowadays it's more like... meet a girl on OkCupid or Facebook... exchange messages endlessly... make occasional references to getting together or making plans which are met with a noncommittal attitude and general wishy-washiness... then wash, rinse, repeat.

 

Generally, I'd say that things have shifted more into the online/electronic realm (where, even with folks I initially meet in person, the primary mode of communication usually very quickly shifts to Facebook or texting), and that refusing to commit to a hangout or other meeting has come to supersede the older custom of agreeing to said meeting, then standing the other up.

[KatZee]

I think the internet has totally killed dating too. Social media is evil and is the root of so many failed relationships/dates/marriages.

 

Too much temptation, too easy to get a new piece virtually (see what I did there?) immediately.

 

Too easy to sneak around, too easy to hide.

[Copelandsanity]

The times I've dated since my divorce I've noticed that it's incredibly difficult to find a sane, down-to-earth girl to have a romance with that can potentially blossom into a LTR. There's so much odd or unacceptable behavior/personality traits...and drama. I definitely think part of it is that many women have gotten burned badly over and over again.

[TB Rhine]

I feel like there's no such thing as "dating" anymore [...]

 

I don't know what happened between past generations and now, but it seems like the respect for dating and honoring the woman has just been lost [...]

 

Now it's blatantly all about getting laid as soon as possible... there are tons of websites out there that say, "If she doesn't put out by date 3 move on to the next." [...]

 

Lying is rampant, guys dating multiple women and having sex with multiple women at once is common.

 

I think there's truth to some of this, which is why I snipped some things and paraphrased. I also think there is misbehavior on both sides of the aisle, so to speak.

 

Honestly, I think that men and women being "just friends," and generally being able to hang out and spend time with each other in a more informal and less socially proscribed way, is the worst thing that ever happened to the 'traditional' model of dating. These changes were inevitable, of course, once women started moving into the workforce in greater numbers and interacting with men in a greater variety of ways; and none of that is bad in and of itself, just to be clear.

 

The problem, I think, is... how do you even know if you're on a date anymore? Where are the boundaries? Once upon a time, if a single heterosexual male and female of concomitant age hung out together outside school or work, it was a date, unless explicitly established otherwise. Now women can string guys along for weeks, hitting them up for rides and free dinners and so on, then say "Oh, I thought we were just friends." Guys can have sex with a woman multiple times, then say, "Oh, I thought you understood that I wasn't looking for anything serious. We're just FWB's!"

 

The relaxed social boundaries make for a lot of ambiguity, even if both parties are entering into the situation in good faith; and that ambiguity also, quite frankly, gives folks who *don't* necessarily have the most honorable of intentions, a lot of room to take advantage. The rules and boundaries of etiquette have become so loose that you can't really call shenanigans on anybody anymore.

 

In addition, as noted above, you have the sites espousing the 3 date rule and so on, which I think are also part of the problem; you have a generation or two of people who don't have a good grounding in these social niceties (such as they are) to begin with, who are now endlessly analyzing and debating and regurgitating all this stuff online, ad infinitum. Dating has taken on a whole 'meta' aspect that's about as good for the medium as it was for horror movies back in the early post-SCREAM days.

 

Just my two cents.

[hotpotato]

Care to elaborate?

 

Katzee did it for me.

[Sith Apprentice]

In the 80's getting a woman's phone number was a big deal. This was before caller ID and women couldn't tell who was calling until they answered. Nowadays, women give out a nebulous cell phone number that she can easily screen or block you later.

 

Social Networking and Online Dating have caused people to go into "Options Overload." Why get into a relationship when you believe something better is just a click away?

 

In the 80's people had fewer opportunities to meet new people. You either met someone at school or work or friends and coworkers would set you up on blind dates.

Edited September 22, 2013 by Sith Apprentice

[todreaminblue]

I dont know about others but when i did date in the eighties it was really simple......wasn't really about multi dating which suited me......guys would be more forward.........sometimes i would pick where to go sometimes they would....and before we actually went out they knew what i liked......they held the door open for me and no one called them whipped people smiled when they seen sweet gestures...now its he is pussy whipped look at the chump..........they would offer to pay i would decline........all in all men treated me like a young woman and i treated them like men......until i found out they were a dick head wearing big mens pants that didnt fit and i said goodbye..seemed to eb easier to discern men from dickheads........deb

[StanMusial]

I feel like there's no such thing as "dating" anymore.

 

At least in my area (NYC) most dudes are looking for casual hook-ups. So they'll be interested for a few weeks, to a couple months TOPS and then they'll pull the "ghost" move where they just completely disappear from your life never to hear from them again.

 

I don't know what happened between past generations and now, but it seems like the respect for dating and honoring the woman has just been lost.

 

Now it's blatantly all about getting laid as soon as possible... there are tons of websites out there that say, "If she doesn't put out by date 3 move on to the next."

 

Everyone has an agenda these days. Very rare is it to find someone truly genuine and honest and open about their situation. Lying is rampant, guys dating multiple women and having sex with multiple women at once is common.

 

Dating is really disgusting. I wouldn't even call it dating. I don't even know what it is lol.

 

Guys don't come up and act respectful, they come up and make comments about a woman's tits or a.ss. They call out from the car as they drive past... like you really think that's going to get you a date?!

 

Women are so much more sexualized these days. I'm not trying to excuse poor behavior of certain men, but honestly some women you meet talk so openly and frankly about sex. What do you think the result of that would be?

[EasyHeart]

[M]ost dudes are looking for casual hook-ups. So they'll be interested for a few weeks, to a couple months TOPS and then they'll pull the "ghost" move where they just completely disappear from your life never to hear from them again.

 

I don't know what happened between past generations and now, but it seems like the respect for dating and honoring the woman has just been lost.

 

Now it's blatantly all about getting laid as soon as possible... there are tons of websites out there that say, "If she doesn't put out by date 3 move on to the next."

 

Everyone has an agenda these days. Very rare is it to find someone truly genuine and honest and open about their situation. Lying is rampant, guys dating multiple women and having sex with multiple women at once is common.

It was exactly the same in the 80s and 90s. Exactly. I could have written your post word-for-word in 1987.

 

The big difference I see nowadays (and admittedly, I'm looking at it as an outsider now) is that women seem way more gullible. Back then, women called us on our bull****. We then faced the decision of sticking around and becoming boyfriends or moving on to look for easier prey. The 3-date rule evolved because that told us what kind of woman we were with: If she slept with you in the first 3 or so dates, she was "easy" (our word back then) and we would screw her for a few weeks (and push her to do more unusual sexual activities) until we got bored or we found someone else. But if a woman said no to sex, that meant she was girlfriend material and expected us to behave like boyfriends. So we did.

 

I don't think it's qualitatively different now. Most of the people in healthy relationships will read my description and say "That's how it still is today, moron!" I think the difference is quantitative: that more (most?) women today don't demand that men treat them with respect. And they usually justify it with some ludicrous rationalization like, "Well, I have to do whatever a guy wants me to do or else he'll just find someone who will." WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO DATE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE CRAP??? I honestly don't get it.

 

Women are always in control of love/romance/sex/whatever you want to call it. A guy will do whatever you let him get away with. If a man doesn't treat you well, DON'T DATE HIM! It's not terribly complicated.

 

Despite the explosion of information on dating/relationships in books, magazines, TV, internet (there was no such thing as a relationship book when I was in my 20s) young people seem more clueless than ever. I suspect it's because most of the information out there is really disinformation. Until women get a clue, men will keep treating them as badly as they let us.

[hotpotato]

Women are so much more sexualized these days. I'm not trying to excuse poor behavior of certain men, but honestly some women you meet talk so openly and frankly about sex. What do you think the result of that would be?

 

Hmm...For most of my dating career I didn't dress up or go through any hoops to look extra nice. I never talked sexual on initial dates, but yet when a date was over it was usually

 

"Hey you wanna come back to my place?"

[hotpotato]

I feel like there's no such thing as "dating" anymore.

 

At least in my area (NYC) most dudes are looking for casual hook-ups. So they'll be interested for a few weeks, to a couple months TOPS and then they'll pull the "ghost" move where they just completely disappear from your life never to hear from them again.

 

I don't know what happened between past generations and now, but it seems like the respect for dating and honoring the woman has just been lost.

 

Now it's blatantly all about getting laid as soon as possible... there are tons of websites out there that say, "If she doesn't put out by date 3 move on to the next."

 

Everyone has an agenda these days. Very rare is it to find someone truly genuine and honest and open about their situation. Lying is rampant, guys dating multiple women and having sex with multiple women at once is common.

 

Dating is really disgusting. I wouldn't even call it dating. I don't even know what it is lol.

 

Guys don't come up and act respectful, they come up and make comments about a woman's tits or a.ss. They call out from the car as they drive past... like you really think that's going to get you a date?!

 

LS?

[hotpotato]

It was exactly the same in the 80s and 90s. Exactly. I could have written your post word-for-word in 1987.

 

The big difference I see nowadays (and admittedly, I'm looking at it as an outsider now) is that women seem way more gullible. Back then, women called us on our bull****. We then faced the decision of sticking around and becoming boyfriends or moving on to look for easier prey. The 3-date rule evolved because that told us what kind of woman we were with: If she slept with you in the first 3 or so dates, she was "easy" (our word back then) and we would screw her for a few weeks (and push her to do more unusual sexual activities) until we got bored or we found someone else. But if a woman said no to sex, that meant she was girlfriend material and expected us to behave like boyfriends. So we did.

 

I don't think it's qualitatively different now. Most of the people in healthy relationships will read my description and say "That's how it still is today, moron!" I think the difference is quantitative: that more (most?) women today don't demand that men treat them with respect. And they usually justify it with some ludicrous rationalization like, "Well, I have to do whatever a guy wants me to do or else he'll just find someone who will." WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO DATE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE CRAP??? I honestly don't get it.

 

Women are always in control of love/romance/sex/whatever you want to call it. A guy will do whatever you let him get away with. If a man doesn't treat you well, DON'T DATE HIM! It's not terribly complicated.

 

Despite the explosion of information on dating/relationships in books, magazines, TV, internet (there was no such thing as a relationship book when I was in my 20s) young people seem more clueless than ever. I suspect it's because most of the information out there is really disinformation. Until women get a clue, men will keep treating them as badly as they let us.

 

Why penalize a woman for doing something you asked her to do? I could easily say pushing for sex so early makes guys looks like pervs, but I doubt they see it that way.

 

Anyways, I have a new rules. If a man asks me for sex too soon i just leave, in the middle of a date if I have to. Adios!

[StanMusial]

Hmm...For most of my dating career I didn't dress up or go through any hoops to look extra nice. I never talked sexual on initial dates, but yet when a date was over it was usually

 

"Hey you wanna come back to my place?"

 

I'm talking about general attitudes and behaviors in society as a whole though. So many women think "flirting" is talking raunchy or sexual. For example, I've met women who talk about blowjobs and pulling their hair during sex and various positions etc. To complete strangers. In public. Women who argue that they like sex as much or more than men. Whatever. My point is, once the cat is out of the bag, its out. Once guys (in general) get the idea that women (in general) are that accessible for sex, the committed relationship option becomes less attractive.

[EasyHeart]

Honestly, I think that men and women being "just friends," and generally being able to hang out and spend time with each other in a more informal and less socially proscribed way, is the worst thing that ever happened to the 'traditional' model of dating. These changes were inevitable, of course, once women started moving into the workforce in greater numbers and interacting with men in a greater variety of ways; and none of that is bad in and of itself, just to be clear.

 

The problem, I think, is... how do you even know if you're on a date anymore? Where are the boundaries? Once upon a time, if a single heterosexual male and female of concomitant age hung out together outside school or work, it was a date, unless explicitly established otherwise. Now women can string guys along for weeks, hitting them up for rides and free dinners and so on, then say "Oh, I thought we were just friends." Guys can have sex with a woman multiple times, then say, "Oh, I thought you understood that I wasn't looking for anything serious. We're just FWB's!"

 

The relaxed social boundaries make for a lot of ambiguity, even if both parties are entering into the situation in good faith; and that ambiguity also, quite frankly, gives folks who *don't* necessarily have the most honorable of intentions, a lot of room to take advantage. The rules and boundaries of etiquette have become so loose that you can't really call shenanigans on anybody anymore.

I think this is absolutely true.

 

Of course, it's good and bad. I have female friends who are just that -- friends -- and my life is better for having that friendship. But these ridiculous blurry categories and labels that people have nowadays are absurd. We used to have serious dating and casual dating. Serious meant that we might consider marriage; casual meant that we were having fun and had no interest in marriage. That's the only thing most people care about in a relationship. I don't understand why we need dozens of labels for something that really is simple.

 

And of course, it makes it much, much easier to cheat. A few generations ago, men and women either dated or kept their distance. Now it's socially acceptable to have inter-gender friendships, so it's much easier for married men and women to spend time together alone. People who have affairs usually claim "It just happened!" as if they had no control. Affairs don't "just happen"; they happen because you put yourself in a situation where it could happen.

[irc333]

Most of my dating days back in those days were pretty much in college and I must've had a stack of pieces of papers with women's phone #'s on them that where my calls never got returned.

 

 

 

Oh, how times have changed. What a great time that was to date - a free for all. Anyone else agree?

 

I ask because I would love to hear/learn how is dating now? I have been out of the loop for while and my recent experiences have been eye-opening on many levels. And these experiences aren't even dates just observations and literally being approached in very obscene ways.

 

The times they are a changin'....Bob Dylan?? (I think so, never enjoyed his music but high five Bobby D if those are your lyrics)

[BlueJeanTangerine]

Not sure if I would ever try to meet someone on-line there is something creepy about that for me but if it works for others I don't judge. It's been almost 20 years since I've "dated" and from my observations and what my kids tell me I almost cannot wrap my head around it. It was so much easier then, no pressure, no BS and there were no "blurred" lines as someone mentioned. Thanks for the responses, I am very old school and noticed the change in dating "norms" and I'm not even currently dating, though I do have an old friend from that era that comes around once in a while

[EasyHeart]

Why penalize a woman for doing something you asked her to do?

I'm not penalizing her for anything. I want short-term, no strings sex and so does she. No problem. Why do you think it's some sort of penalty?

 

I could easily say pushing for sex so early makes guys looks like pervs, but I doubt they see it that way.

I (and most men in their teens and twenties) are pervs. I don't think there's any dispute about that.

 

Anyways, I have a new rules. If a man asks me for sex too soon i just leave, in the middle of a date if I have to. Adios!

Well, that's a bit rude. But you seem to be agreeing with me and making my point for me.

[xxoo]

In the 80's people had fewer opportunities to meet new people. You either met someone at school or work or friends and coworkers would set you up on blind dates.

 

People could still do that, but from what I read here, dating people from work or social groups seems too risky--usually from the point of view of, "Won't things be awkward if we break up?"

 

Well, back in the 80s/90s, we wouldn't date at all if we didn't date from those opportunities! We dealt with the awkwardness. Fear of awkwardness motivated us to act with more integrity.

 

So now, to avoid that awkwardness, it seems people only date strangers. Or maybe it is because the fully fleshed out people you know IRL can't compare to the promise of profiles (essentially advertisements) of people you don't yet know. But dating strangers comes with a whole host of problems, including lack of investment (leading to ghosting, among other bad behaviors).

[EasyHeart]

In the 80's getting a woman's phone number was a big deal. This was before caller ID and women couldn't tell who was calling until they answered. Nowadays, women give out a nebulous cell phone number that she can easily screen or block you later.

 

Social Networking and Online Dating have caused people to go into "Options Overload." Why get into a relationship when you believe something better is just a click away?

 

In the 80's people had fewer opportunities to meet new people. You either met someone at school or work or friends and coworkers would set you up on blind dates.

This is also true. OLD has changed dating a lot.

 

I'll also add that it makes dating more difficult because it inverts the natural order of attraction. If you meet someone in real life, the first thing you see is how they look, and the man and the woman both decide whether there is physical attraction between the two of them. If so, they spend time together to determine whether they are emotionally and mentally attracted to each other.

 

With OLD, people spend a lot of time "getting to know each other" before they actually meet. As a result, they start making an emotional and mental connection before they k"now if there is a physical connection, hence all the "What does he/she mean by no chemistry" and "What does he/she mean by 'Let's just be friends'" threads here on LS. It makes no sense to me to spend time getting to know a potential romantic partner before you have any idea of whether there is mutual physical attraction.

[irc333]

People could still do that, but from what I read here, dating people from work or social groups seems too risky--usually from the point of view of, "Won't things be awkward if we break up?"

 

I think this is because people tend to not really work on relationships if they don't work out anyhow. That they don't want to be faced with the guilt they would feel if they dumped someone and taking a lax attitude towards working on their relationship.

 

I think they anticipate a relationship being a failure before it's hardly begun. I suppose the benefit of online dating or dating ina venue where you know you'll never see someone again in the future gives relief to that person who is flakey as to keep dumping people.

 

Not sure if you get my meaning here, but I think that's the general idea. They don't want to be faced with the responsibility with the failure to keep a relationship going since people give up on relationships when even something remote occurs

[irc333]

So now, to avoid that awkwardness, it seems people only date strangers.

 

Was just about to say that, I just don't understand the obsession of someone preferring to date complete strangers as opposed to the comfort of the social circle.

 

I think this is synonymous to people who prefer no-strings sex.

 

Everytime I met a couple, they said they met through their social circle ...in fact this is probably a good percentage of how people meet in general and I'm not sure how people would want it any other way.

 

Of coruse, I won't say, "Really? So what happens if it doesn't work out? What then?"

 

Of course, you cannot verbally expressed the possible future failure of the current couples situations future either.