Could do with some insights on this ...

[spiderowl]

Hi, I'm hoping you wise people will have some insights into this situation. Well, I say 'situation', but it's more of a non-situation.

 

I'm over 50. I have been divorced for some years now. I had hoped to meet a nice guy - and there has been some interest from guys (but rarely the ones I want) - but I just haven't clicked with anyone sufficiently. I have gone on dates and had very brief relationships, but none turned out happily.

 

Most recently, I spent some time with an older guy and though he was lovely to me, I knew we were not compatible long term so that's that. I had to tell him and, not surprisingly, he's drifted away too.

 

A guy that liked me and who I liked in the past seems to have disappeared. He never was very good at things like texting and is a bit geeky so although he was as sweet as anything when we met in person, there were just these other things that made me feel he wasn't good at 'keeping in touch' and seemed more interested in gadgets than me, so I felt he couldn't be a match either. I'm sad he's disappeared but it was obviously meant to be.

 

Point is, now I'm fed up of all these failures. These relationships that start, then I find the guy has serious problems, manners, hygiene, controlling, messed up - you name it. There doesn't seem to be a single guy free around my age who hasn't got a major problem that turns women off.

 

The sex has been pretty dire too and not worth pursuing, even for its own sake.

 

So I'm now in a situation where I feel there is no point. I know I'm not going to meet someone on the same wavelength who I feel is half decent. The guys who are interested in me seem to have major problems or are too stupid to realise I'm much more intelligent than they are. I'm not trying to be arrogant or horrible about them, it's just true. I have a responsible job working with highly intelligent people and that is what I am used to. There is just no point chatting to some guy who can only talk about kissing and playing pool, when I could talk about almost any subject if called upon.

 

So I wonder what do I do now? I know that I do not want to throw myself into my work or hobbies instead. They do not replace that intimate kind of relationship, nor do female friends. What else is there in life? I do feel there is not much worth bothering about. All else seems to be chores basically, doing my duty rather than having fun. I don't even have the option of a spiritual pathway as a lot of it seems to be an expression of something worthwhile and mysterious but tends to get hijacked by cult and tradition.

 

Is there anything else worthwhile in life, once you know you'll never have a true intimate relationship again? I just don't feel there is and I'm at a loss.

[Weezy1973]

If you are more intellectual you should pursue intellectual activities. It will be entertaining, and like minded people will be attracted to the same activities. Maybe you'll meet a man on the same wavelength, and if you don't at least you'll be doing something that interests you!

[spiderowl]

If you are more intellectual you should pursue intellectual activities. It will be entertaining, and like minded people will be attracted to the same activities. Maybe you'll meet a man on the same wavelength, and if you don't at least you'll be doing something that interests you!

 

That's a good idea and I see your point. I can't afford to do any courses, though I could study privately, but I'm not likely to meet anyone at home. I find people who are too intellectual boring, to be honest. They seem quite anal about it all and pedantic. I'm interesting in lots of subjects but like to keep an open mind. Pedantry just seems like another distortion of a whole person to me.

[StalwartMind]

I know people have widely different opinions about everything, some more so than others. You mention you like to keep an open mind which I find absolutely vital in pretty much anything we do in life.

 

Perhaps you should pursue like Weezy1973 said activities (if possible) that peek your interest and also challenge/satisfy your mind. While for logical reasons it's preferable to find someone close to one's age, I believe a lot of people could benefit from expanding their view on finding a compatible mate whom is older or younger. It's still a bit of a touchy subject in our society today, but you never know where, when or whom you'll meet that could be an amazing compatible companion for you.

 

I understand and feel your frustration at the thought of never having a true intimate relationship again, especially when one very much so desire. Time is never on our side and that's probably one of the main reasons why so many of us ask ourselves what the point is, or is there more to it than this. I'm sure most humans whom have lived have felt some kind of despair in their life at one point, at different ages, but even so we all owe it to ourselves to try make the most of our life, that once we reach it's end we can reflect back on it and feel happy, because if we can't do that, then yes what was the point of it.

 

In no way do I intend for that to sound depressing or sad, in fact it should be a motivational drive for all of us to do the best we can to make the most of it, even if what we face seems to be impossible odds. Sometimes we have to go outside our comfort zone and dare do something we perhaps wouldn't normally think we were capable of or wanted to do.

 

Anyway I hope you find the courage and motivation to not give up and at the very least consider the option to explore by any means things that you are passionate about and find someone you connect greatly with. Without knowing you but since you are from England, I'd watch some Q.I with Stephen Fry and Alan Davies, that always makes me laugh , granted it depends on your taste with humor, but you have plenty of excellent people in general that bring great joy to people around the world.

 

Have a great day and to anyone as well reading this or needing some comfort.

[spiderowl]

Thank you for your very thoughtful post, Stalwartmind. It's true we have some very interesting people here. The downside is that they are all spoken for or uninterested. I know you didn't mean from that point of view, but intellectual life is not the only kind of life, though it is very important to me.

 

I do try things and I love music and play an instrument, but even so I feel the lack of that special person in life. It has become frustrating to go out, see the same people who are attached or unappealing, and to feel that I will always be alone and there are no options. I had hope before until I realised it was a false hope, then all of a sudden I just have my life to live for and it doesn't seem enough.

 

There has been interest from other age groups. I did go out briefly with an older man, but quite frankly he couldn't keep up with me in bed and we were not compatible. He also seemed a bit eccentric. It made me feel that older men were not a good idea!

 

As for younger men, yes, they do seem interested, but I don't trust them. There is a 'fashion' for younger men to chase older women these days, mostly with the aim of getting easy or uncomplicated sex, and if that's what their motivation is, I'm not interested. I would feel cheapened by that and, apart from that even if they were looking for a 'proper' relationship, I doubt they are thinking long term, more 'let's see how it goes', until then of course they meet a younger woman they are attracted to. It seems pretty pointless going down that route.

[StalwartMind]

You are most welcome spiderowl. I am sure some people will disagree with this and perhaps I am just too positive in general, even in situations where one "shouldn't" be. However I don't believe all interesting people are spoken for but it does take some personal effort to want to see potential in someone else, whether one is looking for a friendship or more intimate relationship.

 

Most people today are still blinded by first impressions and wanting to label everyone and everything, in fact I dare say our society always tries to shape us to think, act and be in certain ways and "we" end up believing it. I guess in a way people are prisoners to themselves if they start excluding too many options.

 

In regards to there being a 'fashion' among young men to chase older women, I agree that it is something that has exploded a lot in recent years, and it's hard to take offense as a younger man myself, to someone saying they do not trust "younger men", as many indeed are not even worth one's time.

 

I do however believe that as with anything and any relationship, you can pretty easily discover their intentions through some common sense as well as having meaningful conversations and shared goals. While no one can really change how any of us feel or think about different subjects, as we ultimately have to make the decision ourselves, I know anyone whom is open enough can let someone else have a huge impact on their life and possibly change how they feel about things, they might otherwise have written off.

 

As with anything in life there are no guarantees and I'm not here to try fill your head with "false hope" again. In fact one could argue that it is pointless of me to even write to a stranger and share my views, however I believe anything can happen if one's mind is open to the idea of whatever it is one wish. In addition to that, it doesn't cost me anything to be kind to someone else, something humanity in general could do a lot more in my humble opinion, besides compassion is one awesome trait anyone can have.

 

Still wish you the best of luck regardless of how you choose to approach life from now on, hopefully though you'll find something positive and worthwhile, even if you currently may not feel or think there is anything.

[spiderowl]

Thank you StalwartMind, you sound a very compassionate person.

 

I guess I'll come to terms with this eventually.

 

Strangely enough, I did see the younger guy today. I know he used to like me and although he's a shy character, he did used to drop hints about us going out to places and getting together, but I felt he wasn't right for me at the time and didn't take him up on it. Now he's older and a little more mature and I am still very fond of him, but I think he gave up on me. I don't know if he's interested any more. He just treats me as a friend. I am older now so he may well have lost interest. He's a bit slow at taking hints anyway, so I don't know whether to try to let him know I'd be interested or accept that he's past that stage now and probably focused elsewhere. I did give him a hug as we parted, but he is a long-standing friend. I don't want to risk rejection. At the moment, I feel no decent guy would be interested, even though I know that for the most part I am the one who has been doing the rejecting.

 

Life is complicated!

[StalwartMind]

Life is complicated indeed! Well at least when other people are involved and we kinda can't really avoid other people, unless we choose to be hermits.

 

Guys and gals for that matter, can be incredibly shy and it can be hard to judge someone if they've moved on or if there perhaps is still a spark there, just waiting to be ignited.

 

Rejection is something most of us don't deal great with, and it's probably the fewest of us that can actually turn it into something good. However as they say, no risk no reward, and I guess you just have to ask yourself, if you feel you are capable of dealing with a possible defeat/rejection in case he is not interested. To me it would always be worth a shot, but like I said, you have to know that you feel on top of yourself, and that you are alright with either outcome.

 

Hope you come to terms with everything, and as I said before, you owe it to yourself, to make the best of this life.