If your BF still talks to his ex...does he tell you Everytime he does?

[gina42]

they only communicate thru text. Every once in awhile. And she is always the one who initiates it.

 

We've gotten into arguements about her in the past. Mainly because I was being dumb and insecure.

 

So I was just wondering. Am I being insecure here again by wanting to know when they chat? And being nosy asking what they talked about? I am nosey and do want to know. I trust bf. It's just me wanting to know.

[veggirl]

You need to provide more details. how long ago did they break up etc?

 

Personally I avoid this problem all together by not dating guys who are friends with exes. so yes if my bf started texting an ex out of nowhere I would expect to know about it. If he was texting her all along though, no I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to tell you every time. I mean after all you signed up for this relationship knowing they text.

[soccerrprp]

they only communicate thru text. Every once in awhile. And she is always the one who initiates it.

 

We've gotten into arguements about her in the past. Mainly because I was being dumb and insecure.

 

So I was just wondering. Am I being insecure here again by wanting to know when they chat? And being nosy asking what they talked about? I am nosey and do want to know. I trust bf. It's just me wanting to know.

 

Everything you're saying says that you don't COMPLETELY trust him. I am dating a woman who is in regular contact with her ex of 8-years. They broke up over 3-years ago and their continued contact has a lot to do with one of her children. I've known since I first dated her, so no surprise and she has been very open about the relationship and her contact/communication with him. They are friends, but that is it. I look at it this way, if he were an ex-husband, how would that be different? It wouldn't and people of her past, people who were a part of her life long before me, well I have to deal with that. That includes exes... Oh, also, I've long told my gf that I have nothing against the ex or his current role in her life. I am not at all jealous or uncomfortable with him. My gf greatly appreciates this and makes it easier on her. I also believe that she opens up as much b/c of this.

 

Look, there are risks to every relationship. We all have exes. It depends on when he broke up with her and if there are any signs that he's being shady or avoidant. Is he?

 

I'm taking a great leap of faith not questioning this relationship my gf has. I have to for now. I am somewhat cautious and not going into this with blinders, but I do not have any reason to believe that anything else is going on. I just don't. Her children know about us and they are old enough to know what is going on. Her parents, family and friends know about us, so there are no secrets about our relationship.

 

Anyway, do you have a reason to believe that he is trying to hide anything? Do you really trust him?

 

Actions, actions, actions. Don't let your insecurity inject anymore doubt, suspicion than is evident. Observe him, be confident of who you are and what you offer him and take it one day at a time with EYES WIDE OPEN.

Edited September 22, 2013 by soccerrprp

[gina42]

I'm embarrased to say but they've been broken up for a long time. I know I'm being stupid. I guess what bothers me is that I just want to know what she says when she texts him. Like I said...she is the one initiating every text first. And I do trust him. We've been thru a lot..with each other. No third party involved. Just working on our relationship...and we have come out stronger.

 

I'm being nosey in wanting to know their conversation. Even if it's just her texting to say hi what's up. She'll text him like once a month....that I know of. I don't want to ask him all the time if he's texted with her recently. But I asked him yesterday and he said she messaged him a couple of weeks ago. Didn't offer any info about what they said to each other and I didn't ask. But I want to know. Lol.

 

Am I being dumb?

 

ETA: she has recently become single again. She was married. So I guess that's another thing tha bothers me about her contacting him now. They had a long term relationship. But haven't had any contact for years until last year she wanted to be FB friends with him.

Edited September 22, 2013 by gina42

[Balzac]

I would not view it as dumb. I'd try to think about why you engage in self sabotage. At some level you have to acknowledge your feelings. It's possible that you're not ready to be in a relationship. Trust is the foundation.

 

If his communication obstructs forward motion in this relationship and he knows how you feel then you're incompatible. It's a case of right or wrong.

 

Your decision needs to be - is my feeling about this issue strong enough to make it an issue. Apparently it is. Choose your battles wisely.

[crederer]

When I was in a relationship, my ex texted me from time to time. She had a troubled life and I was with her for 5 years and knew her better than her own parents. Sometime she just felt comfortable talking to me more so than anyone else.

 

I always showed the texts to my gf because I didn't want to feel like I was hiding anything, but it was completely platonic.

 

She also sent me texts from time to time chastising me for having the audacity to break up with her (she cheated on me multiple times).

 

So....i he's open about it, I wouldn't get too worried about it. If he's hiding it.....yeah that's an issue for sure.

[JBlackstone]

Speaking from personal experience, if you try to make him stop talking to her it will only backfire on you. I had an issue with my current boyfriend being friends with his ex. Mostly because she was trying to get him back and the volume of communication was inappropriate (mostly on her end). He would tell her they were better as friends, etc. but I felt he needed to be more assertive and direct. I asked him to stop talking to her and he did but it caused so much drama (ridiculous facebook drama) that he resented me for it.

 

Fast forward a few years and a lot of work and I believe we have finally put 'her' behind us. I don't believe they talk but she still does little things to let me know she's still lurking. Don't ever let her catch wind that their relationship bothers you. It will be fuel to her fire, at least it will be if she is as immature as my boyfriend's ex.

 

We did have a brief breakup this summer and I suspect she contacted him during this time. We live in different states so I know there was no physical contact and at this point I would rather not know if there was contact. I trust him and he had an 'out' at this time and he chose to come back to me.

 

I would say as long as the conversations are appropriate and he is open about their relationship then try not to make it an issue. If all other aspects of your relationship are secure and their friendship doesn't hinder on you guys then try to let it go. I know it's easier said than done. Guys also don't usually read into things as much as we women do. I would be more concerned about her motives than his.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I talk to exes either on facebook, phone or text fairly often and my bf doesn't expect to know... all he knows is that I'm still friends with some of my exes, and he's fine with that so he doesn't ask and I don't feel as though I need to point out every time I have a communication with a friend whether they were another more than friends in the past or not. Ditto, I don't even ask who he's in touch with. I do/would tell him if I was planning on going to meet up with someone who was an ex, though. I'd invite him along, as the exes I have as friends are friends far more than exes now and I'd be excited for my bf to meet another one of my friends.

 

As far as I'm concerned a few texts or phone calls aren't going to be what makes or breaks our relationship. I might mention to him that I've bumped into my ex and had a chat and he'll just say he's glad it went well and we'll get on with enjoying each other's company. It is so much easier than being jealous, paranoid, insecure and trying to keep tabs on what someone's doing. Once you accept that people can talk to whoever they want to, while being respectful of your relationship and not flirting etc., it removes a lot of stress.