just got out of an abusive type relationship

[lost_and_never_found]

hi everybody, its nice to meet you all.

I am in a wierd place and I think its normal but I just dont know.

 

basically I ended (again, giving several chances) a relationship I was involved in with now an ex partner. she was abusive mentally and emotionally, always added fuel to the fire, always nit picked, kept stalking me online (she admitted it too) and kept throwing hissy fits when I was finding flights to grab due to work reasons (I sometimes need to get away for a week due to work but this is literally once every 3 or 4 months depending on circumstances).

 

I explained to her that I had to do it and the work I do has no business of her at all. The fact that she works has no bearing on me but I have always been there supporting her with the work she does as literally every single day she would moan/complain about how horrible it is and all the drama involved.

 

she was even crying at a coffee shop we went to in the morning before she had to go to work because she didnt want to face the day. I said to her that she should call in sick and go home and that is what medical leave is for since its been going on for a while (even before we met. we been together for around 5 months but quite close)

 

Anyway, I got her a new job and pushed her for it. She got the job and I was proud and happy for her and said its the right decision - believe me, things were not good for her at work.

 

but anyway besides this, I would always travel to see her which costs me alot of money, I would always buy dinner. She never "settles" down but is always on the go doing something which is fine but its like how are you supposed to really maintain a relationship like this?

 

so anyway, there were a bunch of times that there were outbursts to me out of no where, even coming to the point of insulting my beliefs. I never said anything but just kept quiet (when I get hurt, I keep quiet and generally are a quiet person). I keep myself to myself.

 

there have been times on numerous occasions where she throws a hissy fit because a woman walks past me or her and she thinks im checking her out when I totally am not and couldnt care less about anyone else but her and that is not my attitude anyway. its like if people are walking past, what can I do about it? Not my fault they are walking past! I always made her feel important and that its just her - holding her hands always, being affectionate etc.... - what more can be done? I said to her I dont believe to be with someone and "still look" like others do and certainly not what my background or upbringing has been (I come from a strict background and culture). It got to the point that I have to look down when women are walking past us. no human should do that but I did to prove a point and to keep her happy.

 

she always said she can never find the right person, she gets cheated on etc... and I never do that. she said to me that she found me finally after all these years. We both mutually feel that we deserve something good but instead bad things always happen to good people.

 

anyway, im sorry for baffling on but i guess im just lost. I mean, friday night she never said anything at all even though the evening before we went out to dinner, had great laughs etc....

i kept asking her "whats wrong?" and she happily said "nothing". I said well there is no point me staying if you arent as talkative as you normally are and arent engaging in anything at all. she said "there is nothing wrong".... fair enough. I went to bed but was made to feel like a ragdoll or a log. no hugs, no kisses - nothing.

 

woke up in a pretty bad mood because of her attitude/behavior and I said to her that I better go to which she said she doesnt want me to go. I said I have tons of work to do that ive been moving things around for her but keep wasting time as she is always doing something or she starts some argument out of no where and always trying to make something out of nothing and trying to believe that im cheating on her when I dont do that.

 

So I left and said to her its over as I am sick and tired of everytime (every 3 weeks) of always being put down/let down and made to feel like an idiot for no reason and Icannot take or handle the rollercoaster of emotions. I dont have time for this and dont need it and thought we both agreed we wanted the same thing about a genuine wholesome relationship.

 

I even canceled, infront of her, my dating profile with the paid membership. she was happy and it was a point to prove that I am not like the rest and i mean what I say and say what I mean. That I personally dont like women who play games and are never really devoted/commited to the person and they are "still looking" for a better offer when they are with someone.

 

anyway, she has always been saying things to me or twisting things. being manipulative etc... and when she wants something, she will be nice. we were affectionate and I loved that - I miss that and to be honest i have had no luck with women at all. I only get a couple of dates a year but only to be used as a meal ticket (not kidding). I am not attractive but my now ex always says I am "hot" etc.... but whatever.

 

I guess I miss the fact that I thought someone was actually into me and liked me for me but had to "put up" with all of this, something which I dont deserve. Ive been through ALOT of bad stuff in the past (I wont get into it) and obviously felt cautious (naturally) but still devoted to make it work and I did but she just kept making things up, twisting it, reading so much into such a simple thing like finding a flight for work or why I am flicking screens on my computer (I work in the IT... of course we flick screens with multiple programs open and chatting to co workers!) - I even showed her I have nothing to hide.... so yes, trust issues there with her.

 

still though, I just dont know if I feel happy or sad. I feel happy (not as much as I would hope) because I am out of the usual arguments or her saying nasty stuff and offensive stuff to me every 3 weeks but sad that she cant see what she is doing wrong even though I kept telling her (politely) that its wrong. She even said to me after the last tiff to tell her to stop when she is really running with it...

 

im also sad because I miss the touches and the fact that I, for once in my life, got a bit of attention unlike others who always get it.

 

 

sorry for such a long post. Really, I am sorry but... im just confused and lost. there are things here that probably doesn't make sense. I also dont like it when people try to blame the genuine person for something... that however I can clarify without problems.

 

In the end, as I said to her from the get go an she was in agreeance is that I want a long term relationship, no fuss, no bother, no other people meddling in and messing it up... that "this is it" and if she isn't in it then I am not interested. she was happy and said wanted the same thing and she always had bad stuff happen to her (as did I).

 

yes, she came on to me etc... which made me feel good about myself because I dont have much of a confidence.

 

anyway, thanks. And so sorry.

Edited September 22, 2013 by lost_and_never_found

[mikei880]

You stood up for yourself, that's awesome! In my opinion you dodged a bullet here. I've been there. She displayed these behaviors: relationship sabotage,codependance, insecurity , bullying and using guilt as a tool. SHE has issues that need resolved. Maybe you too, only you know... there are plenty of awesome women out there that will respect you and love what you bring to the table. Keep your head up!

[lost_and_never_found]

mikei880 - thank you for your valuable response but importantly, the time taken to read through my post.

 

I am never saying im perfect however I *know* I am far better than majority of the people out there (even she said this too). I can always improve but know I am not like most of them.

 

I actually set up rules in my email to delete her email automatically and to send a simple responder saying that the email was never read and deleted.

 

I also added her number to the block list on my phone for both calls and sms. I only just saw 2 emails go into the deleted items and no, I didn't read them. I probably know what it will be about (more guilt/abuse etc...) - sorry, im far better than that.

 

it just took me forever to find someone and to be with. previously, i was single for 5 years and I only had like a handful of dates in that timeframe. I dont do one night stands either.

 

she was older than me but age is irrelevant. we both agreed (infact I brought it to the table) that age is a number, that its about maturity, respect, connectivity and making it happen and that being too restrictive and judging on a number is superficial and not the right way. she agreed and understood and also admits that most women out there, she hates because of their attitude about all of this.

 

right now i just feel like going to her and just hugging her tight and kissing her so much... but i cant and wont. i shouldnt.

we probably would have gone and played pool too as recently, this is one off "our activities" we like to do. being a sunday and all... just a nice thing to do or even some board games.

 

i dunno. im sad, angry, upset, disappointed... a little happy but everything else seems to overshadow the happiness at this point.

Edited September 22, 2013 by lost_and_never_found

[mikei880]

I like the can't and won't part. Good man! Read through this message board good, lots of good information on here from some smart folks. It will get better.....

[lost_and_never_found]

thank you again

I hope I also get other responses from other people too.

 

part of me wants to read her email... but I know I should not because I dont want to continue feeling awful and mixed up.

[lost_and_never_found]

well she keeps sending emails and i havent read them.

she just left me a voicemail which worries me a little though:

 

"how dare you. you want war, you got war. how dare you write that on your profile"

 

um, all I did was put up my dating profile again saying I've just come out of an abusive relationship and I dont want anyone like that.

 

she was the one that started this whole thing... not me. ive kept the voicemail.

[Downtown]

Lost, I agree with all the advice given you by Mike -- especially his view that you've likely dodged a bullet by having the fortitude to stand up for yourself and enforce your personal boundaries.

She was abusive mentally and emotionally, always added fuel to the fire, always nit picked, kept stalking me online (she admitted it too) and kept throwing hissy fits....There were a bunch of times that there were outbursts to me out of no where....

The behaviors you describe -- i.e., clinginess, hissy fits, verbal abuse, cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, black-white thinking, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Of course, you cannot determine whether your exGF's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis.

 

You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD if you take time to learn what warning signs to look for. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. That's why hundreds of hospitals and mental health centers are posting descriptions of PD traits on their websites. They are trying to educate the lay public in how to recognize the warning signs for PDs such as BPD.

there have been times on numerous occasions where she throws a hissy fit because a woman walks past me or her and she thinks im checking her out.

It is common for BPDers (i.e., those with strong BPD traits) to suddenly throw temper tantrums and hissy fits. They lack control over their impulses and, because their emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old, they have little skill at controlling their emotions.

 

BPDers also have a great fear of abandonment, which is evident in the way they show irrational jealousy. My BPDer exW, e.g., would become very jealous when she would catch me glancing at another woman for a second instead of a half-second.

She just left me a voicemail which worries me a little though: "how dare you. you want war, you got war."

If she has strong BPD traits, you have good reason to be concerned by her threat, "you got war." Because BPDers do black-white thinking, they are capable of flipping -- in just ten seconds -- from loving you to hating you.

 

And, when they are out of touch with their loving feelings, they can perceive you to be Hitler incarnate. They therefore will treat you appropriately, which is to say they can become VERY vindictive and do the stalking you've already witnessed. This vindictive behavior is at its worse, of course, whenever you've walked away from a BPDer -- because abandoment is a BPDer's greatest fear.

She always said she can never find the right person, she gets cheated on etc... and I never do that. she said to me that she found me finally after all these years.

If your Ex has strong BPD traits, she always thinks of herself as "The Victim." She therefore will tolerate men in her life only as long as they "validate" that false self image. This means there are only two roles you can play. One is to be "The Savior," which is the role you played during the courtship period, at which time her infatuation convinces her that you are perfect because it holds her two fears at bay. The implication is that, because you are trying so hard "to save" her, she indeed must be a victim in need of rescue.

 

As soon as her infatuation evaporates, however, a BPDer's two fears (abandonment and engulfment) will return. At that point, you become "The Perpetrator" -- the person who will blamed for every misfortune. Indeed, you will be blamed for misdeeds that her subconscious imagines and then projects onto you. In that way, she will create sufficient drama to always have a steady supply of validation for her false self image of being "The Victim."

 

If this accurately describes your Ex, it means that -- now that you've left her -- she's added you to the long list of guys who "cheated" on her. With BPDers, the lover is always perceived as savior during the courtship period and, thereafter, is increasingly perceived as "The Perpetrator."

 

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means that everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your Ex has BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she has BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can answer it for yourself by familiarizing yourself with the BPD traits. Toward that end, I ask whether you've seen strong occurrences of most of the following 18 behaviors:

 

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude;
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  
• 7. Low self esteem;
  
• 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating, drug abuse, promiscuous sex, or excessive gambling or spending);
  
• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
  

Lost, if most of the behaviors listed above sound very familiar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them at Crazy I think but I love her anyway. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Lost.

[lost_and_never_found]

wow. I cannot begin to thank you enough for your detailed and important response either. What you describe is indeed very close if not accurate to her behavior - especially about "forgetting" what the minor argument was about. I did think to myself the first couple of times on her outbursts or outrages that she has bipoler or something like that. I said to her one day if she has it or notices it and then came back the response "just because i may not like what you say once means im the one with the problem? That im mental? everyone thinks that if you stand up that you are mental" - these kinds of responses, at which point I said "relax, calm down. I only asked"

 

its a shame that she may have this but in either case (whether she has or not) im very worried about that voicemail (I fear a false allegation to me may happen) but also just sad and upset like I said. I miss not being with her, the touches and affection but i guess thats normal. What makes it worse is that its been a long long time to be with someone that during the period of trying to find someone you always get rejected or have had bad things happen to you, like its a constant battle up hill or challenge.

 

just makes no sense by her attitude and behavior and what she said.

 

thanks again for outlining this, it really means something.

[Downtown]

I said "relax, calm down.

She cannot relax and calm down very quickly if she has strong BPD traits. Like a young child, a BPDer lacks the emotional skills of doing self soothing. That's why a BPDer will chase you all over the house trying to resolve some minor issue RIGHT NOW -- instead of doing self calming and then discussing it later.

just makes no sense by her attitude and behavior and what she said.

Because a BPDer is unable to trust you, you cannot reason with her when she is acting out. Because she cannot control her emotions, her feelings become so intense that she is convinced they MUST BE RIGHT. To a BPDer, then, feelings are self evident "facts" that cannot be disproved.

 

If that seems strange, please remember that we are ALL that way whenever our feelings become so intense. By the time we are in high school, most of us already know that we cannot trust our judgment when we experience intense feelings (e.g., strong anger or infatuation). Our judgment goes out the window when we are emotionally upset.

 

That's why we more "normal" folks know to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- until we have time to cool down. And we know not to buy the ring until we've had at least a year or two to make sure it's not just infatuation.

I'm very worried about that voicemail (I fear a false allegation to me may happen).

If you see her again, I strongly suggest you do so only in public spaces or with friends around to serve as witnesses. BPDers are very convincing to the police when making false allegations because the accusations are usually created in their subconscious, which does so to protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality. At a conscious level, they really believe the accusation is true. And, a week later when they are saying the exact opposite, they usually are absolutely sincere about that too. Like I said, to a BPDer the intense feelings constitute her "reality."

 

My BPDer exW, for example, had me arrested on a bogus charge of brutalizing her -- when I in actuality was only pushing her away from a door that she was trying to destroy in our home. Hence, if you have any further encounters with her and suspect she has strong BPD traits, it would be wise to have witnesses along or to carry a VAR in your front pocket to record whatever is said.

[lost_and_never_found]

thank you once again.

I wont be seeing her, thats for sure and certainly will not be responding to future emails from her. but the false allegation is worrying as I dont want this to drag me into it. I have had it before but had to go to the grand court for a full blown trial. thankfully i won because the allegation (And alleged witnesses) were all lying. had a big impact on my life and still trying to pick up the pieces.

 

but besides that, im stronger and I know im better than most guys and she does know it. I know that because it certainly didn't have BPD around it. However it makes no sense (sorry for the re-iteration) of having such an outburst on the phone and saying "you want war, well you got war" when the day before she was saying things like she is sorry to lose me and she will remember the laughter and that I really was the person for her.

 

i did call the police and told them, and they are coming later in the week to talk about this but not sure what will happen afterwards. i also dont want anything to jepordise my future/career and also my move to another country to open up a business soon. i dont want the process to be disturbed at all.

[AnyaNova]

Good for you.

 

I know it is difficult. But it sounds like you are taking the steps necessary, despite the pain.

[lost_and_never_found]

Thanks AnyaNova. I don't want to but i believe its the right thing to do.

 

right now its well past midnight and i cant sleep because of this - multiple emotions, heartache and anger

[AnyaNova]

What strategies work best for you to self-soothe?

 

Tea? shower? getting involved in a little television? or a light-hearted forum banter somewhere? Writing down the main things that scare or upset you about this and letting them go for the night? Petting a dog or cat?

 

What kind of things work, and what could you go do right now?

[lost_and_never_found]

its interesting you ask all this because this is generally what I think too

for me, what soothes me is work and I am about to dig into some work stuff. But then my mind drifts off to "the situation". I am also watching TV too but can't focus on it for the same reason.

 

I was actually debating if I should change my flight tickets as I am flying out on Friday for work reasons but because of this situation and the whole "you want war, you got war" voicemail - to change it for Wednesday instead since on Tuesday is when the authorities come to me to take statements probably.

[lost_and_never_found]

well I got an email from her this morning - I didn't read it.

I also got a text message (which was blocked) at 4:52am! stupid hour and a very silly text message too (childs play)

[JourneyLady]

 

its a shame that she may have this but in either case (whether she has or not) im very worried about that voicemail (I fear a false allegation to me may happen)

 

My question to you would be what purpose does putting on a dating profile that you were "abused" have? Do you want someone to date you because they feel sorry for you? I'd advise against putting something like that on your dating profile, for the reason that it could attract more subtle forms of abusers. It also says "Victim!" to a mass load of people. You probably should take that off, not because of your ex, but because it will steer away emotionally healthy people -- and that's exactly the opposite of what you want, yes?

[lost_and_never_found]

thanks journeylady. Sure I understand. The reason I did that was because there are too many of these abusive people and want to make it clear that I know what its like being in such a situation and that I do not want such people at all - so its absolutely clear (not that it should be made but people are a little...ditzy these days)

[turnera]

thanks journeylady. Sure I understand. The reason I did that was because there are too many of these abusive people and want to make it clear that I know what its like being in such a situation and that I do not want such people at all - so its absolutely clear (not that it should be made but people are a little...ditzy these days)

Having to say so just makes you look more like a victim. I'd take it down and post something positive about yourself.

[lost_and_never_found]

sure. well regardless, i shouldnt have been treated the way I was and with the threat left on the voicemail in addition to being continually harrassed/stalked.

[pteromom]

even coming to the point of insulting my beliefs. I never said anything but just kept quiet (when I get hurt, I keep quiet and generally are a quiet person). I keep myself to myself.

 

I went to bed but was made to feel like a ragdoll or a log.

 

I am sick and tired of everytime (every 3 weeks) of always being put down/let down and made to feel like an idiot

 

I am not attractive

 

yes, she came on to me etc... which made me feel good about myself because I dont have much of a confidence.

 

anyway, thanks. And so sorry.

 

OK - I won't address her, because obviously you are better off without her. But this stuff stuck out to me in your post.

 

You are going to attract abusers as long as you see yourself this way, and as long as you give someone else power over your emotions.

 

Someone else can't MAKE you feel a certain way about yourself.

 

And you aren't unattractive. You are just you. The person who is right for you will be attracted to you, so don't label yourself as "not attractive".

 

My assignment for you is to work on your confidence and self-worth before entering another relationship.

 

You are good enough as you are.

 

You even apologized to us for making your post!!!

 

Don't do that. Own your feelings. Own your actions. Learn to love yourself!

[lost_and_never_found]

thank you

[turnera]

sure. well regardless, i shouldnt have been treated the way I was and with the threat left on the voicemail in addition to being continually harrassed/stalked.

No, you shouldn't. But what to do now? The best revenge is to go out and live a wonderful life - without her. Block her from your phone. Delete her from your FB. Do what is necessary to reduce her access to you.

[lost_and_never_found]

agreed and that is exactly what I have done.

any emails coming through from her go straight into the deleted items folder. I keep them in case if things get really bad and have to heavily involve the authorities.

 

But I am pretty sad without her. Wierd, I know.

[lost_and_never_found]

well, she came over. I wasn't expecting it. she was very sad/apologetic too. I should have really turned her away but I thought she deserves (and anyone for that matter) to know the "problem" and "issues" so they get it for the future. spent about an hour talking (just talking) in a cool calm manner. She seemed to have got it but I wouldn't be so sure.

 

left it at that.