Heartbroken and desperate

[Cressida]

This cannot be "liked" enough. Especially the part where they tell you that you're so special as being why they cheated and that this is the "first time" they've done it. You likely weren't the first or only and won't be the last.

 

 

My MM said that he had been thinking about meeting someone, like he 'felt' he was going to meet someone, then I came along. I just believed him! Like a 15-year old! Then when the questions started he kinda backed out.

 

It's true what Quiet Storm said, to a certain extent. The only thing that really hurts me is that he can be completely indifferent to my feelings. If I am hurt or sad he couldn't care less. He just sits there and comforts me but I can feel it's just because he feels some sort of pity or something. Or whatever it is that he feels, he isn't genuine in his 'feelings'.

 

In his defense, he isn't always like that....I underlined the worst because I need to yank myself out of it but I can't. I just feel attached to him, I can't leave him or I feel like this when I'm around him. We have a lot of fun and he is very affectionate...yes he's good with words and tells me how much he loves me and that I'm the love of his life. I think I am addicted to his words and what I have created inside my head. He could be very mean and at the same time be concerned about me, if I'm well, if I had dinner, if I took my pills (I'm having a cold right now).

Recently he started calling me 'a baby'. I think he's gradually smelling the coffee and answering the clue phone and he sees his *whatever it was* got the best of him and made him say things he didn't deem realistic but I took seriously, and not he doesn't know how to get out of it. Everything I do 'hurts' him, seriously everything. He said it himself. I just look at him and sometimes I feel like are you f*ing kidding me? His wife of 25 years doesn't annoy, bore or hurt him, I do. He can go for three days without contact but he must talk to her on a daily basis. Not to his kids- and apparently that's what they talk about, 'children' (all settled down). THIS is what infuriates me, how can someone tell a person they love her, then pull stuff like that? How can you get angry and bitchy with someone you barely know?

 

I guess it's his image that I'm hooked on, what he projects. And what I think he feels for me, he always tells me that nobody will ever love me the way he does. Really now.

 

I feel like he did break my self confidence and this is why I'm hanging onto him. I am afraid I'll never meet someone. I hadn't dated for years before him. Just didn't find anyone, didn't have time, etc.

 

About the younger OW and older MM, I guess it's a bit of an instinctual thing going on, with a woman wanting protection and all that. He is in good health (had some issues but now it's all ok), he is good looking, he is very attractive. This is how I see him at least.

 

Bah. I don't know anymore. Thank you guys for all your input. If it wasn't for you I couldn't have seen the other facet of the story. It's still very hard because I've spent literally every minute of my free time with him, I got used to him. I just can't let go, I am afraid of what it would be like without him. Then I see that with him isn't all that, after all. I could be better off without his daily phonecalls and his bitching.

Then I see him in person and I forget about everything.

Do you guys think that getting out of his control will piss him off? I want to jerk him back to reality as well, to give him a dose of his own medicine. The funny thing is, HE is the one who threatens with breaking up, and I always end up trying to convince him to get back to me. He loves the power high I guess.

I think he might not like it if I accepted what he says, that his feelings have changed because, pay attention to this, I looked through his phone and I am that type of person and he doesn't like it! I don't trust him despite our year together and 'everything' he did for me (he helped me with some stuff, but minor), and he just stopped loving me (that's what he said this evening). The he changed his mind and said he'll call later on but still hasn't. He is apparently so 'upset' that he 'shouldn't even be talking to me!'.

I wish I told him straight up I saw those photos and just hear his reply. I would have probably had some Douchebag Hall of Fame material for years to come. He's good at twisting things around and making people feeling like crap. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him.

 

I am getting mad now. He is just so low. I am beginning to think everything he said was a lie and frankly ever since the phonecall thing (to his wife) I lost all trust in him in this regard. I just think he is capable of doing anything.

 

Now. If I decide to get out, should I just agree with him when he says that we should break up or never contact him if he doesn't? Should I tell him I don't want to be with him anymore? Like by my own initiative? <How do I do this? I don't know what he will react like. In the beginning he'll be super cool because he thinks I will contact him and get back to him.

 

The funny thing is, I never broke it off with him. I always believed that when I do it, it should be once and once only, not like him. So if I do it, I do it for good.

What would be a good manner in which to show him I have self esteem (thought I still need to rebuild it...sigh:() and I don't care about him? Like make him feel bad just like he makes me feel?

[ladydesigner]

As Always, AlwaysGrowing your posts on this thread are what many OW need to let saturate, it is the truth for most of these waywards.

[cif]

Reading through your post i get the impression that he doesn't respect you. He has, by your own admission, made it clear this is temporary and there is no future. He does love his wife. Why would he be married to her, proud of her, call each day, not allow you to badmouth, etc. if he wasn't. The question is does he love you? Lust yes but love? Not so sure. If you'd like to test him... tell him you're pregnant.

[jlola]

Why do you love this man? He is not a good person. Why would you ever want to be friends with someone like this? You do not have to be a slave to your feelings.

 

You are ignoring his character traits and are basing your love for him on the way he makes you feel. He has the communication skills to make you feel bonded & connected to him. He knows how to inspire "in love" and addicting feelings in you. This does not mean he is a good person! It means that he is good at manipulation.

 

You discard all of his bad qualities and the negative feelings...all because you are chasing the high that he gives you. It's the same way an addict will ignore all the negative parts of addiction in order to get high.

 

\

 

 

Thank you for this. This is exactly what OW/Om do in affairs. They ignore character traits because of the way MP makes them feel. Because they are told they are the best,their soulmate,"never loved like this before". "My spouse does not compare to you" etc. They are so busy listening to the words and getting high off them, they pay no attention to the bad character.

 

The ability to carry on deception for long amounts of time, the lying and betraying, sometimes trying to hide money,talking about spouse behind their backs, talking about leaving spouse, but only when they are good and ready so they can arrange for a soft spot of fall and suffer little consequences,while not caring if the BS falls hard on concrete suffering the most.

 

OW/Om think all this bad character is not really what MP is about. But it is brought out by BS who proved not to be perfect and do everything in their power to make OW/OM happy. Shame on them!

 

How people can do this to another who they once claimed to love I will never know. I cannot steal, you cannot pay me enough to take a drug or put anything in my vein. I cannot manipulate and deceive. if I am unhappy, with something you have done,I tell you. I cannot imagine living with someone I no longer love, backstabbing them everyday with another person. But still coming home and acting like all is well to spouse and kids. It would kill me. It is not in my character to behave this way no matter the circumstance.

 

But some people can do that quite well.Live this double life for years and not snap! Says alot about who they are. But excuses are made by AP. then they point to BS and ask why they would put up with this man.

 

Hey, BS didn't marry a known liar and cheater. You (AP) met him that way. He showed you exactly who he/she was and you still went for it! Acting like you met a noble and good person. He's just this way because of so and so. But with me, he'll be different.

 

Sure, in the beginning, the honeymoon years he will be. But give it a few years of living together full time(not still in affair and pining for the prize)where life is mundane and the chemical high of new love is gone. You have just as great a chance if not more of AP(now spouse) cheating on you 50-60% as 1st marriages. You are not special!

[KentuckyGent]

Mine told me time and again that though she'd had sex before she had never "made love" before we got together. I ate stuff like that up.

[KentuckyGent]

I don't disagree with anything you've said. In fact I was thinking today about how the heck could I, a reasonably intelligent man, have believed she was telling me the truth when she was living a lie every day with the man she took vows with. I was blinded by love, thought I was different. I truly never had felt that kind of "love" with someone before (and I had been married before). I told her how much better I was than her H, talked terribly about him. I feel awful for the guy now.

[AlwaysGrowing]

KG, many ap feed off of being "better than" than the spouse. There is something lacking in their Self Respect that they would think that that would validate their character/worth. It simply doesn't.

 

Anymore than if a stranger commits a crime, it vaults my self worth. It doesn't. It doesnt say one frigging thing about me.

 

I have always said..a married persons dating pool is pretty shallow.

 

A person who has Self Respect would be insulted at being thought that they would cheat. Actually that is true for anyone.

 

WS often start affairs with the same teenage/fairytale bull****z being doused on them as well.

 

Adults....actual voting adults that have drivers licenses that can drink...and often are raising CHILDREN believe such nonsense.

 

Scares the beejesus outta me.

[jlola]

KG, many ap feed off of being "better than" than the spouse. There is something lacking in their Self Respect that they would think that that would validate their character/worth. It simply doesn't.

 

Anymore than if a stranger commits a crime, it vaults my self worth. It doesn't. It doesnt say one frigging thing about me.

 

I have always said..a married persons dating pool is pretty shallow.

 

A person who has Self Respect would be insulted at being thought that they would cheat. Actually that is true for anyone.

 

WS often start affairs with the same teenage/fairytale bull****z being doused on them as well.

 

Adults....actual voting adults that have drivers licenses that can drink...and often are raising CHILDREN believe such nonsense.

 

Scares the beejesus outta me.

 

I have never had an affair. But involved in toxic relationships. i know now when I was emotionally immature,emotionally unaware, had low self esteem. I was drawn to men who validated me . Men who told me within a month or so of the relationship that I was their soulmate. Men who said I was the "best woman they ever met". I was "the one". I was the prettiest,sweetest. I was captivated by words. Thing is those are the exact men that gave me more pain than happiness. But again, I mistook the pain, the anxiety , the fear to mean love. I must love them if they evoked such emotions in me. Because everyone else is so boring and noone else gives me passion like they do. How wrong I was. They,like me, knew nothing about love. We went by feelings,validation,drama. This is what many people mistake to be love.

 

 

Youth and stupidity. I cannot tell you the number of really good guys I turned away because they were not so smooth with the words. Not as expressive,did not cause pain and anxiety. Did not validate me the way the others I got addicted to did.I now have different set of values and crave the slow friendship,the ability to reach someone by phone or in person anytime, the lack of fear and anxiety, the lack of uncertainty, deep trust,good character and integrity. These things are not boring and are what we should all seek in relationships. But unfortunately, we crave the drama. We crave thinking our broken relationship is all "star crossed lovers filled with obstacles". We prefer to carry on the fantasy and live the rest of our lives loving that and thinking what if, that rather than a real person offering us true love.

 

I

[Cressida]

I don't know what to do, whether to believe him or not. I have never had an affair with an MM before (and will never have again....) and I don't know how to interpret things, basically. I know his wife is his wife and his family is his family, but there are so many confusing things about him. One minute he's all over me and introduces me to his family to participate in family events and spend time together, the other minute he's yelling if I say something about his damn wife. Then he's hot, then he's cold. He picks up fights, he says he has a lot of things on his mind. I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

I want him to be honest, I've asked him a million times to be honest and the only thing he does is getting upset, how come I don't know he loves me so much, he would do anything for me, why do I still have doubts and don't trust him after all this time.... really sickening.

 

I just don't feel comfortable anymore, I love him but I don't like being around him ever since I saw he has photos of his wife in his phone. I can't act naturally, I have started resenting him for being a liar. HE was the one who told me he doesn't love his wife, he just has 'family' feelings for her and he loves me as one person can't love two people at the same time.

 

I don't understand him. I wish we could talk about anything like in the beginning. Now I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him and be careful not to say something wrong. There are so many things I need to get off my chest but I can't. Why don't I stop it?

 

I just can't. The thought of being without him makes me depressed, sad, feeling lonely and miserable. It used to be so beautiful in the beginning, he 'changed' about two weeks ago. I just don't know what to think or what to do.