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My 16 year old son is going to be a father & this is the worst situation possible...

cindi1975

By cindi1975
in Parenting

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cindi1975 New Member

cindi1975

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I am absolutely devastated. My 16 year old son came to me in tears tonight and admitted to me that he got someone pregnant. I was extremely shocked, because he hasn't been dating anyone. I wasn't prepared for the rest of his explanation. He went on to say that back in the spring, he and a friend obtained fake IDs that said they were 18 so they could get into the local night clubs (He looks a lot older than he is). We live in a very big city, so it was easy for him to tell his father & I that he was just going to a friends for the night, but really they were hopping on a train to go downtown where the club scene is. We trusted him because he had never acted out before. In May, he met a 22 year old girl at one of the clubs, and he lied to her and told her that he was 19 so she wouldn't brush him off. He told me that he lost his virginity to her, and they had sex a few more times into the early summer. The girl eventually found out that he is 16, and she freaked out and stopped talking to him all together, as she should have. He went on to say that a few days ago, she sent him a long text message telling him that she is pregnant with his baby. She said that she 'just wanted to let him know, and doesn't want any legal problems (because he is a minor), and is okay with raising the baby alone'. Basically, she wants nothing to do with him at all. He is very upset because he wants to be a part of this child's life. He tried to call her a few times and reason with her but she is completely ignoring him. I am feeling completely broken. My husband and I have done everything to make sure that our children know everything they need to about safe sex and waiting until they are in a very committed long term relationship. We thought that we had guided our children in the right direction, we have always been a close family. As I said before, we never expected this out of our son. He has never acted out, he has a part time job, he has always been on the honor roll and he is an athlete. We have rules in our house that he has always seemed to follow. I don't understand what would possess my son do something like this, knowing that this girl is 22 and they are six years apart in age! My son is devastated because this girl does not want him to be a part of their child's life at all. Part of me wants to tell my son he is not allowed to see this girl again, but he is the father of her son and he needs to be responsible for his actions. Legally, what can we do about this? Even though the age of consent in our state is 16, could either of them be in any legal trouble because he is under 18? How should my husband and I approach this girl? We are crushed that we now have to question our son's trust, who has always been so good to us. We are so hurt and lost right now, we never thought that we would ever be in a situation as messy as this. Any advice would help right now, thank you very much.

bentleychic Established Member

bentleychic

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Oh my gosh. :( I'm so very sorry! I cannot see how your son could be in any legal trouble and if the age of consent is 16, I wouldn't think the mom would, either.

 

I'm guessing you all will have to be forceful about demanding to be a part of the child's life, but I would suggest a paternity test after the baby is born before getting too involved or attached to the baby. Especially considering the fact that she was so quick to have relations with your son.

 

Again, my sincerest apologies and good wishes.

  • Like 2
Shepp Established Member

Shepp

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I don't know where you like but in the UK she's right - its legal for a 16 or 17 year old to sleep with another 16 or 17 year old but once one person in that relationship is above 18 it is technically illegal again!

I'd imagine its that that she's scared of.

 

I get that it's a massive shock, it's going to shack up his world and if she's already making it difficult for him to be involved then I get that he might just want to stick his head in the sand but the truth of it is, it's too late for that - it's time to be a man now, if the baby's his flesh and blood then thers going to be another person in the world who carries half his genes!

 

I'm sure he is a good kid, everyone makes mistakes when there young, it's how you stand up and deal with them that shows what your made of! Nothing's irreparably broken, he can still achieve whatever he wants to in life but he's gotan extra challenge!

 

I'd start by putting it in writing via text or whatever to this girl what he takes full responsibility for lying about his age and that know legal repocipusions will fall back on her and then explaining that he wants to be involved in his child's life and is prepared to do whatever it takes.

  • Like 1
gaius Established Member

gaius

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If the age of consent is 16 then the age of consent is 16. Not much legal trouble they can get into. Unless he's lying to you and she's his teacher or something.

 

Normally I don't approve of helicopter parenting but this might be one case where you do want to involve yourself and contact her. Try to make arrangements for whatever setup you all can agree to. But by all means, please follow bently's advice and get a DNA test first before he signs the birth certificate. I would have a talk with your son about using protection but don't be too hard on him. He's 16 with raging hormones. There's no amount of parenting that can stop him from having sex if he finds a willing partner.

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cindi1975 New Member

cindi1975

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Thank you everyone for your support. My son and I had a talk with her tonight. She would not answer any of my sons texts or calls at all, so we showed up at her apartment unannounced. That may seem a little extreme, but we did not see any other way to get through to her. As soon as I threatened to get a lawyer involved, she promised to let my son accompany her to her doctors appointments, be present at the birth and be a part of their child's life. She also agreed to a paternity test, but she promises there are no other possibilities besides my son. If she does not comply, we definitely will hire a lawyer to take care of this! I also had a talk with them about learning to get along and respecting one another, because they will be a part of each others lives, well, forever! I am still worried and stressed over this, my son is only a junior in high school and way too young to deal with all of this :(

  • Like 2
Radu Established Member

Radu

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Talk with a lawyer anyway, even if you don't want to use him, it's best to be prepared.

  • Like 1
almond Established Member

almond

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EDIT - just read the update.

 

All you can do now is support your son, and your new grandchild and its mother.

 

Things may not always happen as we would like them to, but we should try and make the most of it. It feels horrible now, but happy times are ahead.

 

Good luck with it all, and congratulations - soon to be a grandmother!!

Edited by almond
bentleychic Established Member

bentleychic

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Sounds promising. Good luck, Cindi.

pink_sugar Established Member

pink_sugar

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If the age of consent is 16, neither of them would be in trouble....unless he had sex with her when he was 15. Then the mother would be in trouble for stat rape. As the parents, I believe you can order a paternity test and go to court for parental rights once paternity is established, at least joint custody. But it sounds like the mom is most likely going to be given primary custody.

 

Honestly though, as sad as it is, if I were a parent I think it may be for the best. Your son is 16 and a child will drastically change his life right now. But most likely the mom will get sole or primary custody in this situation due to the age of the father. Get that paternity test done and consult an attorney.

  • Like 1
DaisyLeigh1967 Established Member

DaisyLeigh1967

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You bullied this gal to the point where she agreed to let your son be at the birth and at doc appts?

 

You do know that even if he were an adult and married to her, that she is under NO legal obligation to allow those things, right?

 

Are you wanting to take the baby from a mother and raise it? What exactly are you looking for? She could, in some places, put you on the hook for child support, since your kid is under 18. You, not him.

  • Like 5
2sure Established Member

2sure

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Your son and your family have every right to be involved in his child's life.

I know that he, and initially you, will also be reponsible for child support, medical expenses, and day care expenses .

 

Chances are good this young mother will need those things. It sounds like she was just frightened and has reconsidered.

 

And of course, it's heartbreaking, but these are the consequences for both of them.

  • Like 1
lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

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I do not think it's right that you threatened her so that you and your son can be at the birth (or even doctor appointments, unless she wants you both there). Even some happily married women do not want their mother in law in the birthing room.

 

All the stress you are putting on her is not good for the child.

 

It sounds as though she wasn't going to ask for any child support originally, but she should certainly get it for 18 years now. I hope your son can get a good job.

 

Edit: pardon me, you don't say that you yourself insist on being there for the birth and doctor appointments too. Regardless, plenty of happily married fathers-to-be do not accompany the expectant mother to their doctor's appointments, or even the birth IF the mother doesn't want him there for whatever reason. Being there at the birth is not a pre-requisite for bonding. So is she supposed to schedule her doctor appointments around his school schedule, or can he leave his math class to accompany her?

Edited by lollipopspot
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Radu Established Member

Radu

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You bullied this gal to the point where she agreed to let your son be at the birth and at doc appts?

 

You do know that even if he were an adult and married to her, that she is under NO legal obligation to allow those things, right?

 

Are you wanting to take the baby from a mother and raise it? What exactly are you looking for? She could, in some places, put you on the hook for child support, since your kid is under 18. You, not him.

 

I'm not sure what you suggest the OP should have done when the mother of his teenage son's [not full capacity] baby refused to allow the father [her son] into the child's life.

 

This was not bullying, and if they had done nothing it would have been worse for them.

He is a minor, that means that his parents have authority over his life decisions until he turns 18.

Not trying to help him, not looking after his rights would have been more of a violation of his rights.

 

As for this girl, what could they have done ?

Gone on their hands and knees, hat in crumbling hand, begging for the chance to have her gaze upon them ... hopefully without being too stressful to her just because she has a womb ?

 

I'm a guy and i think that the OP acted in the best interest of both her son and the future baby.

On one hand you have a teenager who is just now realizing the implications of his deeds, hopefully this will scare him back straight and make him into a good father.

And on the other hand you have yet another baby that might have grown up with a blank on his birth certificate, which by default decreases his chances of success in life.

  • Like 2
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cindi1975 New Member

cindi1975

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Daisy, in no way am I looking to take this baby and raise it. I am just trying to help my son be a part of his child's life, a child that is just as much his as hers. If we did not act at all, this would be another baby growing up without a dad. I feel that the influence of two parents is very important, and though he is young, my son will be a great dad. I am fully ready to help him with child support while he is a minor. This may not be a fairy tale situation, but this is still my son and my grandchild and I will do anything to help.

 

I never said I wanted to be in the delivery room, frankly that is not of my interest at all. But my son feels that he has every right to be in there, once again, it is his child.

 

We are in the process of figuring everything out with a lawyer, and a paternity test will be done.

 

Pinksugar, it does look like she will have sole custody for now, I agree that it will be for the best until he is a little older. He just wants to be able to be a part of his child's life.

 

Radu, thank you very much.

Edited by cindi1975
  • Like 2
CC12 Established Member

CC12

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I am fully ready to help him with child support while he is a minor. This may not be a fairy tale situation, but this is still my son and my grandchild and I will do anything to help.

 

I'm glad that you want to help, but I wonder if you're being a little too forceful about it. You went to her house unannounced and threatened her the very first time you met her. Then you lectured her on being respectful and getting along with your son. It doesn't seem like you approached her as an adult, trying to work things out. This is a very difficult situation for her as well. She's not an enemy you need to topple. She's a woman who got duped by your son. Have a little compassion.

 

I never said I wanted to be in the delivery room, frankly that is not of my interest at all. But my son feels that he has every right to be in there, once again, it is his child.

 

I don't know that he has every right to be in the delivery room. I would think that since it's her body, it's up to her who she allows in. Same with the doctor's appointments. Remember that they were never a close couple, and that everything she thought she knew about your son was basically invalidated when she found out he lied about who he was. Is it fair to compel her to let a stranger witness her doctor's appointments?

  • Like 4
lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

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I really agree with what CC12 wrote. I think you might get further by trying to be a supportive influence in her and the child's life rather than threatening her.

 

Think of it from her perspective - if I were her, I would be scared and completely set against you at this point. You are setting the stage for the future. She will never willingly trust you to care for or visit the child without being legally coerced to do it, because you are threatening her when things don't happen your way.

 

You might consider going back to her, apologizing for threatening her, explaining how much you want to help and be a part of this and didn't know how to accomplish that in the best way at first, and trying to re-set the relationship?

  • Like 2
Radu Established Member

Radu

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I'm glad that you want to help, but I wonder if you're being a little too forceful about it. You went to her house unannounced and threatened her the very first time you met her. Then you lectured her on being respectful and getting along with your son. It doesn't seem like you approached her as an adult, trying to work things out. This is a very difficult situation for her as well. She's not an enemy you need to topple. She's a woman who got duped by your son. Have a little compassion.

Her son duped her in regards to his age, and it is his fault.

Just because the above happened does not give her a blank card over the fact that she got knocked up.

 

I don't know how it happened between them, but i can definitely blame her for not being careful about having condoms with her or knowing how to use them.

 

The sex was consensual between the two of them, afterall.

 

 

 

I don't know that he has every right to be in the delivery room. I would think that since it's her body, it's up to her who she allows in. Same with the doctor's appointments. Remember that they were never a close couple, and that everything she thought she knew about your son was basically invalidated when she found out he lied about who he was. Is it fair to compel her to let a stranger witness her doctor's appointments?

I actually agree with you and others who said that the father should not be present in the room for the delivery, nor should it be recorded.

A while back there was an article about this, and i read afterwards that many midwives recommend against adding extra pressure to the delivery this way, and honestly ... it does make sense [not to mention that it can be seriously damaging to the guy to see it].

 

I guess a question is what does doctor's appointments means ?

That he should be in the lobby for her ?; that he should listen to some of the stuff she talks about with her doctor ?; that he should be at every step of the way, watching her ?

Obviously there are limits, but remember that while they are strangers, these 2 strangers got naked and conceived a baby.

They did not do this by exchanging email adresses. :)

clia Established Member

clia

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What a mess. Your son is going to have to grow up very quickly.

 

Have you and your son discussed how he plans to financially support this child? Does he have a job?

DaisyLeigh1967 Established Member

DaisyLeigh1967

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Got news for you. Until that child is actually born, your son has ZERO rights. No right to be in the doc appts or even the delivery room.

 

My advice is to back down and wait til the child is born. Stop with the threats and other bull****. It is only going to make things harder.

Edited by DaisyLeigh1967
DaisyLeigh1967 Established Member

DaisyLeigh1967

Posted
Posted
I'm not sure what you suggest the OP should have done when the mother of his teenage son's [not full capacity] baby refused to allow the father [her son] into the child's life.

 

This was not bullying, and if they had done nothing it would have been worse for them.

He is a minor, that means that his parents have authority over his life decisions until he turns 18.

Not trying to help him, not looking after his rights would have been more of a violation of his rights.

 

As for this girl, what could they have done ?

Gone on their hands and knees, hat in crumbling hand, begging for the chance to have her gaze upon them ... hopefully without being too stressful to her just because she has a womb ?

 

 

Okay, lets cut the dramatics, please. Thank you.

 

I would expect the adult mother of the son who lied about his age, to be a little more compassionate. Mature. Not threaten the young woman. Talk to her like an adult, which she is.

2sure Established Member

2sure

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His false impersonation of being an adult might be grounds for her to get an attorney , she was certainly duped and with lifetime results. Since he is a minor and was in your care while he used the fake ID to be out all night, you would have to answer for that.

 

I've never heard of such a thing as that, however I do know that the guardians of the minor have to take on the financial responsibilities.

 

But it's true that your son will have no "rights" to the child until there is one.

Right now, there is only a pregnant woman who is legally entitled to make all of the decisions regarding her body. That includes doctors appointments and delivery and DNA testing inutero.

 

Her telling your son about the pregnancy was the right and adult thing to do. But your thinking that your son has entitlement , after his behavior, is way off base.

 

The hard facts are that because of his age, because he broke the law, because he used false identification, and because he was an unsupervised minor....you may have to pay chils support and get only supervised visitation.

 

I'm in NY. I've personally seen this happen. Nice family too.

Radu Established Member

Radu

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Okay, lets cut the dramatics, please. Thank you.

 

I would expect the adult mother of the son who lied about his age, to be a little more compassionate. Mature. Not threaten the young woman. Talk to her like an adult, which she is.

 

A mother that will [in such a situation] take the side of a fellow 'sister' over that of her son doesn't sound like a good parent to me.

She looked after the best interests of her son, maybe she could have been more diplomatic and less threatening.

 

Now i'd like to say something different.

I posted what you quoted 41hs ago. My post tried to look at the positive of the fact that his family is getting involved. Maybe i went a bit overboard with the sarcasm, maybe ...

I then again posted 31hs ago, to both address a point in my original post, and to add the fact, that morally, this girl is not innocent either because she was careless when she should have known better, and because she tried to keep the father out [added now].

 

You quoted only my original post [part of it], and referenced only the part about sarcasm.

 

Looking back at your other posts, i have to ask myself ... are you emotionally distant enough from this situation, or does it reverberate somehow with you ?

It's a rethorical question, and not meant to be an ad hominem attack.

DaisyLeigh1967 Established Member

DaisyLeigh1967

Posted
Posted (edited)
A mother that will [in such a situation] take the side of a fellow 'sister' over that of her son doesn't sound like a good parent to me.

She looked after the best interests of her son, maybe she could have been more diplomatic and less threatening.

 

Now i'd like to say something different.

I posted what you quoted 41hs ago. My post tried to look at the positive of the fact that his family is getting involved. Maybe i went a bit overboard with the sarcasm, maybe ...

I then again posted 31hs ago, to both address a point in my original post, and to add the fact, that morally, this girl is not innocent either because she was careless when she should have known better, and because she tried to keep the father out [added now].

 

You quoted only my original post [part of it], and referenced only the part about sarcasm.

 

Looking back at your other posts, i have to ask myself ... are you emotionally distant enough from this situation, or does it reverberate somehow with you ?

It's a rethorical question, and not meant to be an ad hominem attack.

 

 

Well, first of all, NO, I have never been knocked up by a minor. Nor have I been threatened by anyone while I was pregnant with my husband's children.

 

I don't expect the lady to be sister buddy buddy with the young woman. But good grief! Her son lied about his age, used a fake ID and helped create a baby. For her to go to this young woman's home and throw threats around to get her to bend to her son's wants, is totally out of line.

 

Perhaps some focus on parenting the teenager would be the best bet for now. Some counseling, a job to help support his child, etc.

 

The DNA test can wait til the child is born. There was no need to threaten a pregnant woman. I think that the young woman should have told the OP to get the hell out of her house and then, she should get an attorney and see about her rights and even about the delinquent minor and his actions. I don't care if he did, indeed, father the baby. Until the baby is born, he has ZERO rights. He does not have a right to be at doc appts, ultrasounds, or even at the delivery. It is her choice.

 

Minors get away with waaaay too much IMHO. Time to pay the piper.

Edited by DaisyLeigh1967
CC12 Established Member

CC12

Posted
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Her son duped her in regards to his age, and it is his fault.

Just because the above happened does not give her a blank card over the fact that she got knocked up.

 

A blank card? What do you mean by that?

 

I don't know how it happened between them, but i can definitely blame her for not being careful about having condoms with her or knowing how to use them.

 

How can you "definitely blame her" for something the two of them did together? You admit you don't know how it happened, so how did you come to the conclusion that this happened because she wasn't careful or didn't know how to use a condom?

 

The sex was consensual between the two of them, afterall.

 

This is not in dispute. Why do you bring this up?

  • 1 month later...
Lauriebell82 Established Member

Lauriebell82

Posted
Posted

Get a paternity test first!

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