Why is he holding on so hard?

[JaelBlue]

Hi all, I'll try to make this as brief as possible. Any and all advice, reproof, comment, etc. is appreciated!

 

We have been married 21 years and have 2 sons, 18 & 19. Things have been bad between us from the start. After the boys came we poured ourselves into raising them and I became a stay-at-home mom. We were excellent parents and did our best to never let the fact that we couldn't stand each other affect our parenting.

 

He has always been very controlling and critical. He has always (and continues) to tell me that he can't see anything good in me. There is always a list of things he wants me to change. I spent years changing and as I would "perfect" one area, the list would change. Trying to be the woman he wants was a moving target.

 

We attended marriage counselling many times over the years. He would always go with the idea that it might "fix" me. When the counselors would start trying to address his issues he would quit. Often I would continue for weeks or months alone. One day a counselor said something to me that flipped a switch inside me. He said, "You have the right to be who you are." That was 9 years ago and it was the day I stopped trying to change to please him and began figuring out who I am.

 

I started taking part time jobs, started a business and built a good reputation. I now have a good job and a a file of great references. I am happy and secure with who I have become. Being out in the world has taught me that I am not stupid, lazy or ugly - all the things he tries hard to make me believe.

 

This past summer both boys moved out for 3 months and I took that time to really work on our marriage. I told him that I want to make things work if he does. We spent lots of time together and I tried to do things to show him I care and want him to be happy. I saw a counselor for advice about how to do this. We had some good times.

 

Ultimately, he still criticizes everything about me. Finally I asked him to please have a clam discussion with me. After his initial screaming and wall punching (his usual response to my attempts to discuss anything serious) which I simply walked away from, he did talk to me. He told me he is only persevering through our marriage. He can not think of one good thing about my character and sees nothing good in who I am. I told him he deserved better and so do I. More screaming and temper tantrums ensued. His basic message was how dare I talk of leaving? How could I? Why would I? ????

 

I don't understand why he is holding on so hard when I am offering him an easy out. If all he is doing is persevering and hates me so much why not take the opportunity to be free? I told him he can have the house and I only ask that he keep the children on his health insurance since I don't have any. He responded with tears, confusion and fury.

 

I don't know how to make this any easier for him. I don't think I can continue to stay in this marriage. I would rather spend my life alone than be my partner's greatest disappointment.

 

If you are still reading, I thank you and welcome any input.

[Yarrow]

My thoughts? He sounds abusive. He's been beating down your self-esteem for 21 years and making it your job to satisfy him. Of course, for his own reasons, he can't be satisfied and you've accepted the blame for that, even though it has nothing to do with you.

 

You've known he's been emotionally and verbally abusive, but you put up with it because you've been taught to be a people pleaser or something. Why is he holding on to you? Because he needs an emotional punching bag and you've been that for him. If you left, he wouldn't have anyone to take out his frustrations on.

[Grumpybutfun]

JaelBlue:

You know the right answer to this...he needs you to be the punching bag, the reflection of all of his self-loathing. He hates himself and therefore he takes it out on you because he knows that you loved him at one time and will receive it as you have done over and over again. It sounds like you are in a good place, so make it a better place and get away from him.

People always say that emotional abuse is worse than physical because it is harder to see and to prove. As someone who has worked with abuse survivors, I know that emotional and verbal abuse can leave the deepest scars. Devaluing another human being and attacking their character constantly is not acceptable behavior in any relationship, especially when they become angry and violent when you try to talk about your issues.

It really doesn't matter what he wants or accepts. He lost that right after he started screaming and punching walls. It is time for you to go after the life you deserve, one without all this negativity. There are toxic people in this world and unfortunately, you have married one of them. He is a black hole and no matter what you do you will never be able to fill that hole. File a restraining order if he continues to harass you in any manner and file for divorce as soon as possible. Find a good divorce attorney and protect yourself and your business.

I won't tell you that this will be hard, because honestly after living with the killjoy, happiness suck that you live with, divorce might end up being pleasant.

Good luck and let us know how things go,

Grumps

Edited September 23, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't understand why he is holding on so hard when I am offering him an easy out.

An equally pertinent question is why would you be held? If the level of hostility is as you describe it, you haven't done your boys - or yourself -any favors by sticking it out this long. I'd also guess you're fooling yourself if you think that you "never let the fact that we couldn't stand each other affect our parenting". Kids pick up on many things, some of which are non-verbal.

 

Choose happiness. That's the best way to ensure you'll play a healthy role in your family's life going forward. Whatever you're doing right now seems like it's based on the opposite approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JaelBlue]

Thanks so much for your replies, they help more than I can say.

 

Mr. Lucky, you asked why I would be held. An excellent question and one I have been asking myself for a while. As much as I like to believe I've grown emotionally and psychologically, the answer is completely screwed up. Pity. I feel such deep pity for this broken man that I haven't been able to bring myself to hurt him. Yes, I realize how messed up and illogical it sounds but there it is. He will be a self-loathing, lonely old man. It breaks my heart to see anyone like that, especially the father of my children.

 

I have been speaking to my children about leaving and they are not supportive at all. My oldest son's reply was, "We have a storybook family why would you want to mess that up?" After further discussion he admitted that it is only an illusion but at least we have that. "Most people" he knows don't even have the illusion of a good family. I guess I did a bang up job of teaching him about living a lie.

 

I am beyond fear, anger and pain for myself. I need to start tearing down the logistical barriers and moving forward.

 

Thanks again, for being here.

[Porridge]

Yarrow above sums it up perfectly. Just thinking slightly further ahead, should you come to announce that you're leaving, be prepared for the various emotional stances that your husband will take.

 

- Angry

- Abusive

- Helpless

- Emotional

- Needy

- Bargaining

- Begging

- Guilt trips

 

This is a man with very, very low self eseem but one who thinks has established a control of his surroundings. Once he realises that's going, there'll be an almighty panic and then every trick in the book will be attempted to try and re-establish that control.

 

The "I promise i'll change" line will also come out once he realises everything else has failed. Whether you choose to test him to that or move on to a better life is your choice, but be prepared for one hell of an emotional rollercoaster.

[Criticality]

I think you've already realized you both need to move on.

 

Your kids might be against it at first, might act out a little, but then again, they're almost adults themselves.

 

And I really think you have done them a service by staying, in spite of the sacrifice to your own happiness and self esteem. Never forget that.

 

There will undoubtedly be a lot of drama and fights in the future.

Imagine how that would have affected the kids if it had happened when they were 8 and 9. On top of custody fights, family court and all the bitterness and hate on top of that.

 

No it's not always the right answer or the best solution to "stay for the kids". But in your case, I think it turned out to be for the better.

[JaelBlue]

I think you've already realized you both need to move on.

 

Your kids might be against it at first, might act out a little, but then again, they're almost adults themselves.

 

And I really think you have done them a service by staying, in spite of the sacrifice to your own happiness and self esteem. Never forget that.

 

There will undoubtedly be a lot of drama and fights in the future.

Imagine how that would have affected the kids if it had happened when they were 8 and 9. On top of custody fights, family court and all the bitterness and hate on top of that.

 

No it's not always the right answer or the best solution to "stay for the kids". But in your case, I think it turned out to be for the better.

 

Thank you so much for this, for understanding my reasons and sacrifices. You have no idea how much I needed this little boost today.

-Jael

[jimloveslips]

Dump his ass.

 

Live your life the way you want.

[littlejaz]

He holds on so tight because putting you down is what builds him up and if you go then he will have to live with himself and that scares him to death.

 

My situation was a little different but my husband kept me convinced that he was so fragile that if I made any demands on him as to how he treated me it would push him over the edge. Now that we are in the middle of a divorce, I see that this was his mechanism to keep me in line while he treated me like crap. I think they tell themselves, "I can't be all that bad if I can keep a good woman." And we stay thereby enabling them to continue their bad behavior.

 

And boy do I understand about the counseling. My STBXH's idea of marriage counseling was fix her so she puts up with my crap without complaining about it. And the first time it worked. I kept my mouth shut and his behavior continued. But no more. I decided I wanted more out of my life.

 

He doesn't hold on because he loves you, you are not what is important to him. He holds on because you accept being his punching bag and that makes him feel better. In his eyes you are not making it easy for him, you are threatening to take away his security blanket (punching bag).

 

I would advise that you talk with an attorney before doing anything else, because there is a good chance that he will do everything he can to hurt you once he realizes that you really are leaving. And by hurt you I do not mean physically although he could, I mean financially and emotionally. I have been totally shocked at the things my STBXH has done since we separated even though he was an unhappy as I was. I had even found journal like notes that he had written stating that he wanted out of our marriage, but when it came right down to it his reaction was how dare I try to end things and that he would punish me any way he could. Little does he know that it will all be worth it to get away from him.

 

Take care of yourself. Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.

Edited October 11, 2013 by littlejaz

[Misadventure]

He holds on so tight because putting you down is what builds him up and if you go then he will have to live with himself and that scares him to death.

 

Take care of yourself. Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.

 

What she said here and what so many others have said are spot on..Also, and I know this may sound nuts but in his own way he may love you and that's why he is "holding on" to try and honor his commitment. May be a combination of factors, including what many have said here.

 

I don't know the answer for you of what to do, only you can answer that for you and know what is right for you. But I wish you luck in this and bravery..and we are all here, for when you need us.

[JaelBlue]

but when it came right down to it his reaction was how dare I try to end things and that he would punish me any way he could. Little does he know that it will all be worth it to get away from him.

 

Exactly! He has already done so much damage there really isn't anything that scares me more than spending another 20 years with him.

 

Thanks for your encouragement.

[JaelBlue]

But I wish you luck in this and bravery..and we are all here, for when you need us.

 

Thank you Misadventure. I truly needed to know this. When I walk away from my marriage I will lose almost all of my real life social network. It's good to know there are some friendly voices here.

[JaelBlue]

It's been over a month since I said I was leaving. He did what I knew he would do. Changed...for a while. He even planned a romantic get away which was wonderful. I fell for it. Of course it didn't last. No one in their right mind would have believed it. I thought I was so much stronger and smarter. I thought I had grown so much. It really makes me wonder if he's right about me being stupid. I mean I'm kind of proving his point for him aren't I?

 

So now I'm pretty much back where I was a month ago trying to iron out the logistics of separation. Tomorrow I am presenting him with a financial proposal. I am sick just thinking about how that will go.

 

Trying to get through the days at work is pretty horrible. I'm sad, nervous and distracted. And I'm down 14 pounds which I guess is a good thing. My hands shake so much that people have started noticing. I'm sure that is a combination of nerves and gallons of coffee.

 

I wonder all the time what makes me think there is anything better for me? What if after all is said and done and I have fought so hard to be free and hurt so many people there is just nothing but more and different pain?

 

When I started down this path I had such clarity and was certain that no matter what I was doing the right thing. I believed that I was worth more to the world than to be a punching bag. Tonight everything seems so hard and confusing.

 

I guess I'm just feeling weak and needed to reach out tonight. Thanks for listening.

[Yarrow]

It really makes me wonder if he's right about me being stupid. I mean I'm kind of proving his point for him aren't I?

 

...

When I started down this path I had such clarity and was certain that no matter what I was doing the right thing. I believed that I was worth more to the world than to be a punching bag. Tonight everything seems so hard and confusing.

 

The only way he would be right about you being stupid is if you stayed with him. You know now that if you let him, he'll just do this to you again. There's be years of abuse here. It's not surprising after having someone say you are stupid for years that you would start to believe it. But just because he says it doesn't make it true. Especially if he says it, it doesn't make it true. Because he's a proven liar.

 

It's ok. Every major change comes with some stumbles. The unknown is scary. At least with him, you know what you are going to get. That's why we backslide. But by the same token, you know what you are going to get and it's going to be more of the same. So take it one step at a time and walk away with your head up. You can do it!

[JaelBlue]

Thanks Yarrow.

 

I'm feeling a bit stronger today. He agreed to my financial terms so that's relief. I'm sure things will get ugly after he lives with it for a while. He'll be getting a lot less money from me and won't have control of my finances anymore. But I have his signature on the agreement so there can be no confusion or denying that he did agree.

[JaelBlue]

I left November 30. His emotional roller coaster has been horrible. He started drinking after having been sober for 20 years. He went to counseling and so far said he learned that he "needs to deal with all MY problems better." He now says he does not hold me responsible for my actions because I am "clearly mentally ill."

 

Everyone at church has shunned me and I have only heard from one friend during this time. I gave 12 years of friendship and service there. I can't really blame them I guess. They are only getting his side of the story. I won't engage in the gossip or explain myself.

 

The boys (18 & 19) are doing alright. My oldest is doing better than I thought he would. The youngest is not doing as well. On Sunday he overheard his father talking about the situation, left church angry and totaled his truck. He is lucky to be alive. He snapped an electric pole in half.

 

As horrible and difficult as this is, I have a small sense of peace for the first time in over 20 years. Living without abuse is worth it all.

[awholenewworld]

Congratulations for leaving. Yes, all of those people are only getting HIS side of the story. Same thing here. Mine begs me not to talk to anyone about "our" business. However, I constantly hear him on the phone telling people everything, as he sees it of course! Such total BS.

 

My dear I am (and you WERE) stuck in a cycle of abuse. That why it was so hard to believe.

 

I plan on putting the truth out on social media. Bit by bit...be sure to let all of our "friends" know what the truth is. Of course, with out being liable, whatever it's called when you ruin someone's reputation...but it WILL be told, if for no other reason than to let everyone know that he's not "all that."

 

Congrats on getting OUT. Enjoy your peace. You truly deserved it! =)

[Yarrow]

He started drinking after having been sober for 20 years. He went to counseling and so far said he learned that he "needs to deal with all MY problems better." He now says he does not hold me responsible for my actions because I am "clearly mentally ill."

 

Bwahahaha! I believe that in therapy lingo, that's called "projecting".

[beach]

Stay strong!

 

You shouldn't live your life trying to make others happy when it makes you unhappy.

 

His abuse isn't likely to change. Let him live with it himself.

 

Nice you get your D finalized - freedom is ahead. Don't allow him to communicate with you unless it's absolutely necessary. Communicating only allows him an opportunity to abuse you further. If necessary - tell him to communicate with your attorney.

 

20 years sober and all his anger and control issues? That's not the way I learned about how sobriety should look.

 

I hope your counselor help you understand healthy boundaries and how to recognize when unacceptable behavior should end any relationship.

 

Betraying self sucks - don't allow your boys to determine your choices.

[keepontruckin]

So, he just started drinking, and he has also been drinking for 20 years...

 

You'll have to clarify that for me.

 

Also, you failed to mention if you have someone else lined up. This is important, as it allows me to judge the level of which things get "altered" to justify...