Change of tactics - LATEST -help!

[Lucy L]

Thanks Tony and ashesmum for your answers.

 

Yes he is rather childish at times. His mother controlled him for many years - till I came along. He has been a recluse most of his life.

 

He is however EXTREMELY intelligent IQ wise. In the top 1% of the world. Computer nerd maybe?

 

Now we seem to be just avoiding each other despite living under the same roof. He sleeps in the lounge area. This is 3-4 nights now. What will I do?

 

When I went out for a walk last night he came out of his room and had put the front door light on and changed the trash liner. On my return - he was in his room.

 

By the way I just asked if he minded if I date other men an he said "nope". We have been living together for 5 years so why did he say it was ok? I childishly responded with "I am dating him tomorrow - his name is ....). He replied kewl and good luck. Is this for real? Why did I do this?

[Laurynn]

Your original post indicated that you two have been fighting about various things for a long time....and that he tries to push your buttons. First you tried ignoring his antagonism, so he'd react childishly (stomp out, etc)....now he's acting like (sorry) a childish nut. He could be another Einstein but the guy seriously has some problems, based on what you've indicated. Locking himself in his bedroom and playing mind games with you is no way to live.

 

Just curious..when you asked him if it was okay for you to date other guys, etc.....were you simply doing this to detect his reaction? (I'm guessing yes, have done this in the past myself).......It makes sense that he'd be 'cool' with it...he's obviously going to act like "oh yeah, whatever, I could care less"......he's not going to admit that it probably freaked the crap out of him to hear you ask such a question.

 

Then on the other hand, maybe he truly doesn't care......and he's isolating himself and being a regular horse's patoot because he isnt' happy in the relationship and is trying to be such a pr*ck that you'll get sick of it, and end things.

 

Although I did it once, asking the guy I was dating if it was okay if I dated other people (to piss him off), it's not a good thing to do. It's playing head games. And it can backfire in your face...like what he did, tell you he didn't care if you dated someone else (now you're left to wonder if he really meant that, or did he just say that to blow your mind/hurt you)

 

Is it possible that you two can have some real time apart? Like living apart. You move out, or he move out for a few weeks.....get some space and breathing room??? The way you're living now isn't really living. There's so much tension there I can feel it here (LOL)

 

If he's not willing to act like an adult and communicate, and deal with things in a rational, constructive manner......is he really the man for you?

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "He is however EXTREMELY intelligent IQ wise."

 

Just because a person has an adult body, appears to be adult, has a genius IQ, wins a million dollars on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, etc., by no means makes that person mature or emotionally adult. Some of the most accomplished people on the planet...and mostly men...are the most immature, socially stupid and emotionally challenged people around.

 

When you asked him if you could date other men and he said yes, he was, again, reacting as a child would react. Children understand if you tell them NOT to do something they will do it and if you tell them it's OK...they won't do it. Some he's assuming you are an emotional child yourself. He actually thinks everybody is like he is...that's just how his mind is working right now.

 

If he were more mature, this same reaction would be what they call in psychology a reaction formation...that is an unconscious defense mechanism whereby a person reacts completely opposite to the way they feel.

 

Good luck to you. This guy would make an excellent subject for a psychology student doing a doctoral thesis.

[Lucy L]

I love him that is why I tolerate stuff. There is a potential for an excellent relationship without game playing if we work on it. I don't know if I can ever trust him again though. Maybe I need to move on.

 

Unless he changes his behaviour then it is over. I fell for him originally because I felt sorry for him in a way.

 

He does not tell me he loves me - I have not said that to him but I have asked how he feels etc. Everything is - I don't know.

 

A woman needs to be told certain things - I need to be told I am loved on occasion. Twice a year will suffice - I do not want excessive mushy stuff.

 

He has never bought me a gift of love - like a ring - for all these years.

 

I am at the end of my tether - my life is slipping away with this man. I know my potential and I am a good catch but like all the females in my clan we seem to all stick with people through it all.

 

If I don't hear anything from him today I will leave. Decision made.

 

The guy to date was to get a response, however I have had offers from other men whilst with him and have always refused - except for two lunches with a yummy doctor during a very bad time. Nothing more and he was willing to accept my friendship.

 

Just recently I was asked out again. My personality is attractive to others (my looks too - without sounding vain).

 

I have met so many helpful people lately and am eager to get more involved with others, boy is someone or something looking out for me. The coincidences have been incredible.

 

I guess I must give up if he doesn't change. I have to accept this now. I separated from him before for months and did not think about him much. Then all of a sudden I decided I was in love with him and he came to see me and we moved back in together.

 

Apart from the childishness he does have some nice qualities. It is my life here and I know I deserve better.

 

I am guilty of childishness as well - but aren't women like that a bit anyway? (sorry ladies).

 

Thanks for all the input.

 

It all helps me a lot.

 

Your original post indicated that you two have been fighting about various things for a long time....and that he tries to push your buttons. First you tried ignoring his antagonism, so he'd react childishly (stomp out, etc)....now he's acting like (sorry) a childish nut. He could be another Einstein but the guy seriously has some problems, based on what you've indicated. Locking himself in his bedroom and playing mind games with you is no way to live. Just curious..when you asked him if it was okay for you to date other guys, etc.....were you simply doing this to detect his reaction? (I'm guessing yes, have done this in the past myself).......It makes sense that he'd be 'cool' with it...he's obviously going to act like "oh yeah, whatever, I could care less"......he's not going to admit that it probably freaked the crap out of him to hear you ask such a question.

 

Then on the other hand, maybe he truly doesn't care......and he's isolating himself and being a regular horse's patoot because he isnt' happy in the relationship and is trying to be such a pr*ck that you'll get sick of it, and end things.

 

Although I did it once, asking the guy I was dating if it was okay if I dated other people (to piss him off), it's not a good thing to do. It's playing head games. And it can backfire in your face...like what he did, tell you he didn't care if you dated someone else (now you're left to wonder if he really meant that, or did he just say that to blow your mind/hurt you) Is it possible that you two can have some real time apart? Like living apart. You move out, or he move out for a few weeks.....get some space and breathing room??? The way you're living now isn't really living. There's so much tension there I can feel it here (LOL) If he's not willing to act like an adult and communicate, and deal with things in a rational, constructive manner......is he really the man for you? Laurynn