Rollercoaster Ride

[startingover1028]

Hmmm... Your situation sounds so familiar.

I went through the same thing with my MM.

 

When he was "on" he was very "on... Couldn't get enough of me... e-mails all day, phone calls, surprise visits, etc... But when his conscience kicked in and he was "off", it was as if I was somehow instantly relegated into the "friends" catagory. It seems very convenient for men to play the "friends" card when they want to back off and cool down.

 

A roller coaster is the perfect description for this type of situation. It starts off as a day to day coaster ride, but as you get more entangled in him, there will be times when it will become a minute to minute, hold-on-to-your-seat, I-hate-him, I-love-him, he-wants-me, he-doesn't - situation. That's when you'll know it's near the end. It won't be fun anymore. It will become a tortuous, self-deprecating, emotionally raw and painful experience.

 

Take it from all of us who have been there/ done that.... walk away now... before it gets nasty!

[stormywind]

Originally posted by startingover1028

Hmmm... Your situation sounds so familiar.

I went through the same thing with my MM.

 

When he was "on" he was very "on... Couldn't get enough of me... e-mails all day, phone calls, surprise visits, etc... But when his conscience kicked in and he was "off", it was as if I was somehow instantly relegated into the "friends" catagory. It seems very convenient for men to play the "friends" card when they want to back off and cool down.

 

A roller coaster is the perfect description for this type of situation. It starts off as a day to day coaster ride, but as you get more entangled in him, there will be times when it will become a minute to minute, hold-on-to-your-seat, I-hate-him, I-love-him, he-wants-me, he-doesn't - situation. That's when you'll know it's near the end. It won't be fun anymore. It will become a tortuous, self-deprecating, emotionally raw and painful experience.

 

Take it from all of us who have been there/ done that.... walk away now... before it gets nasty!

 

Thanks Startingover. It's definately off and on/hot and cold with him.

 

I do sometimes think--what if I had let it go further and he went cold on me like this? I would feel terrible.

 

I also wonder what this tells me about the type of person he is. I mean, if it were me, I couldn't just get close to someone like that and then callously blow them off when it suited me. Makes me wonder what type of guy he was back when he was single. Like maybe he was the type who slept with a girl and then never called her again. (and no, all guys aren't like that).

 

I found that out too late about the last guy I dated (single guy). Seemed that (other than when he was married), the times he was single, he would bed a girl and never call her again. He didn't come out and tell me this about his past, I got the clues though. To me, the fact that a person could do that to someone, says a lot about the person. And I don't go by the excuse that ALL guys do that, because they don't and because it lets guys off the hook for treating people that way.

[startingover1028]

I also wonder what this tells me about the type of person he is. I mean, if it were me, I couldn't just get close to someone like that and then callously blow them off when it suited me.

 

I think that it tells you that he is more vested in his marraige than maybe he would lead you to believe.

Be grateful that he has some sort of conscience.. otherwise, he would probably have carried this a lot further. Believe it or not, he's actually saving you from more pain... in the long run.

[stormywind]

Originally posted by startingover1028

I think that it tells you that he is more vested in his marraige than maybe he would lead you to believe.

Be grateful that he has some sort of conscience.. otherwise, he would probably have carried this a lot further. Believe it or not, he's actually saving you from more pain... in the long run.

 

Huh? So now all of a sudden he's a decent guy? I don't think I agree there. Do decent guys tell a girl last week that they're going to come over to her house and then they just blow her off when that day comes?

[startingover1028]

I never said he was decent! I just said he has a conscience... meaning that I think he is thinking about his wife....more than he is thinking about you.

[fanou22]

Seems like this guy is manipulating you until he has you wrapped around his finger.

 

Once he knows that he can control you, he will move into the physical side (have sex with you). Now all he is trying to do is make sure you won't tell his wife once he has sex with you.

 

IMO, there is no room for friendship with this MM. He is making sure that you are head over heels with him before he makes his move.

[stormywind]

Originally posted by fanou22

Seems like this guy is manipulating you until he has you wrapped around his finger.

 

Once he knows that he can control you, he will move into the physical side (have sex with you). Now all he is trying to do is make sure you won't tell his wife once he has sex with you.

 

IMO, there is no room for friendship with this MM. He is making sure that you are head over heels with him before he makes his move.

 

I never thought of it that way. I have wondered if he's a manipulator. I once dated a guy who had a top position (same as this guy does) and he was very good at manipulating without letting you know it. I've found that those in top positions often have that skill (being master manipulators) and I've wondered it about this guy.

That type of person is often really good at fooling people I've found. Not saying that he's one of them, but I've considered it.

 

Btw, some of the flirtatious/sexual comments he's made to me in the past (he hasn't recently) were ones that gave me the impression he likes to dominate.

[fanou22]

A manipulator would never show you any signs that he is.

 

The MM is using a "Pull/release" approach with you (hot and cold as you said). You seem prone to analyzing everything around you. I am this kind of person too. Since you work with him ( or in the same place), why not try finding out about his work relationships with others. Does he manipulate others to do his share of the job? Does he gloat about how he is smarter than others?

 

Analyze him if you wish as an individual and not as a married person. You may find out a lot about him being a manipulator. Do you know any of his friends or acquaintances? What do they say about him? Do they start with "he is nice, intelligent, successful, but............."?

 

It will eventually be up to you whether to continue this roller coaster ride or not. You may want to start with a list of character traits. I know what it feels like not to have friends and be lonely. Eventually you may find out that you are better off without someone like him. It will come down to what you really want and what you are willing to put up with.

 

Hope this will give you some clarity.

[stormywind]

Fanou22--thanks so much for your post!

 

The MM is using a "Pull/release" approach with you (hot and cold as you said). You seem prone to analyzing everything around you.

 

Yes, too much actually.

 

Since you work with him ( or in the same place), why not try finding out about his work relationships with others. Does he manipulate others to do his share of the job? Does he gloat about how he is smarter than others?

 

He works in the same bldg. I have no interaction with his coworkers so couldn't find that out. He's their boss though so I doubt they'd say anything bad anyway. Plus, they might not know the real him either.

 

One day I was walking down the hall past MM and a coworker of his. The three of us were talking although his coworker was eager to get back in the office but MM was staying nearby me to talk. His coworker said something which I've wondered about. He joked: "Don't let him know where you live."

 

I didn't let on to his coworker that MM ALREADY knew where I lived as he'd been over already.

 

I've wondered why that comment was made. Has MM done this before? Does he go after women all the time? Was it just a joke that meant nothing?

 

MM didn't try to cover his coworkers comment up or act defensive so it could have just been nothing.

 

 

 

Analyze him if you wish as an individual and not as a married person. You may find out a lot about him being a manipulator. Do you know any of his friends or acquaintances? What do they say about him? Do they start with "he is nice, intelligent, successful, but............."?

 

Wish I had ways to do that.

[stormywind]

Here's something else I don't get. When I first starting giving MM the time of day instead of ignoring him, and I told him that I was getting over a breakup, he said: "Run away with me!" He talked about how much stuff he does around the house, and then we sorta made a joke of the whole thing but when he said "run away with me", he wasn't joking.

 

 

I told him I was having to have surgery and now that I didn't have my b/f, I'd have to go it alone. He told me how he wished he could take care of me, bring me soup, etc......

 

Ok, flash forward to now.

 

I've had to have surgery again (it's minor) and he really didn't care much this time. He doesn't say things like he did before. (above).

 

I guess what I'm wondering is--what happened that changed how he acted?

 

I'm almost wondering if he's got a functonal alcoholic since I've seen that type of behavior in those who are. It's just a guess and a far-fetched one at that but I've tried to figure out what has made him change so much. Is it because I was showing interest back and wasn't a challenge anymore?

[stormywind]

I was hoping for feedback on my last posts.

[fanou22]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

You are putting a lot of importance on things that he said. Look at his behavior with you, you will be able to understand more.

 

The man does not want to be a friend. Friendship between the two of you will never exist. From the way he is treating you, why do you want him as a friend?

 

With this man you have 2 options; either you cut off all contact or you become the OW (which I don't recommend)

[Owl]

Storm- Do yourself a big favor...and just walk away from this guy. You've been on an up and down since you've met him. He's not a nice guy...he's done things with you he shouldn't have, knowing he was married. He's not honest (look at his relationship with you, and with his wife).

 

You're unclear on your expectations on what you want from a relationship with him...whether as a friend or more. So just cut the BS out of your life and walk away. Will it hurt? Yes, in the short term. But in the long term you'll be much better off for it.

 

Don't use the excuse that it would be soooo hard to do. Anything having to do with emotions is. Just quit going back and forth and do it. Don't worry about him or his feelings...just break it off totally. It will be the best thing for you, and (remotely possible) the best thing for him. You are a distraction from his marriage. End that distraction, and maybe, just MAYBE, he'll fix his relationship there.

 

You'll be better off for it. Now, you've asked for advice and feedback from the LS crew...what's your plan?

[stormywind]

Originally posted by Owl

Storm- Do yourself a big favor...and just walk away from this guy. You've been on an up and down since you've met him. He's not a nice guy...he's done things with you he shouldn't have, knowing he was married. He's not honest (look at his relationship with you, and with his wife).

 

You're unclear on your expectations on what you want from a relationship with him...whether as a friend or more. So just cut the BS out of your life and walk away. Will it hurt? Yes, in the short term. But in the long term you'll be much better off for it.

 

Don't use the excuse that it would be soooo hard to do. Anything having to do with emotions is. Just quit going back and forth and do it. Don't worry about him or his feelings...just break it off totally. It will be the best thing for you, and (remotely possible) the best thing for him. You are a distraction from his marriage. End that distraction, and maybe, just MAYBE, he'll fix his relationship there.

 

You'll be better off for it. Now, you've asked for advice and feedback from the LS crew...what's your plan?

 

I guess I'm just looking for feedback on the whole situation to try to understand it. I'm just feeling so used (even though I never slept with him). It's just made me feel like someone who can be tossed aside and it's worse because it's coming from someone I felt a strong connection to.

Also, I don't find that connection with other guys so even though I've been chatting with others, it means nothing. And besides, they usually have a lot of problems.

Then I get depressed wondering why I can't find ones like MM. And why someone else gets guys like that who have it all going for them. I dunno.

And it makes me feel worthless like I can just be discarded.

 

Also I wonder why he was so different in the beginning and what I did that changed that. He always wanted to talk to me, see me, how beautiful I was, etc.... He even said (joked?) that he wanted to run away with me.

 

He told me how he wanted to take care of me after I had (minor) surgery this summer. Then, when I had to have surgery again about a month ago and I told him, he just said "oh, that's too bad." and didn't care.

 

It's like I was so wonderful to him and then all of a sudden, I'm nothing.

[fanou22]

Have you ever asked him what he expects from you?

 

Have a talk with him though I doubt that he will be honest in his responses. Should you decide to ask him these questions, keep in mind that he answers he might give are not what you want to hear.

[stormywind]

Originally posted by fanou22

Actions speak louder than words.

 

You are putting a lot of importance on things that he said. Look at his behavior with you, you will be able to understand more.

 

The man does not want to be a friend. Friendship between the two of you will never exist. From the way he is treating you, why do you want him as a friend?

 

With this man you have 2 options; either you cut off all contact or you become the OW (which I don't recommend)

 

I just wonder why he changed so much---what I did that pushed him away.

[fanou22]

That is not changing. That is MANIPULATION.

 

I am basing my opinion on what you relate to us.

[startingover1028]

Also I wonder why he was so different in the beginning and what I did that changed that. He always wanted to talk to me, see me, how beautiful I was, etc.... He even said (joked?) that he wanted to run away with me.

It's like I was so wonderful to him and then all of a sudden, I'm nothing.

 

I know EXACTLY what you're going through, Stormy. Same thing happened to me. My MM did take the time to explain, though. It was simply a case of him really loving his family and wife and realizing how many lives would be ruined if we took it any farther. I think if I had not pressed for an explanation, he would have just let our relationship die a natural death, but I needed to know. I needed clarification.

 

My MM use to talk about what we would be doing together when we were older and how much he was obsessed with me. He would call me and stop by my house... then "poof" ... it all just stopped and I was devestated. I guess, it's the same in any relationship.... sometimes the fire burns out for one person sooner than it does for the other.

 

It hurts like hell and we end up missing the attention and the fantasy and the way it made us feel but I think, in the long run, we're better off without them.

[stormywind]

Originally posted by startingover1028

I know EXACTLY what you're going through, Stormy. Same thing happened to me. My MM did take the time to explain, though. It was simply a case of him really loving his family and wife and realizing how many lives would be ruined if we took it any farther. I think if I had not pressed for an explanation, he would have just let our relationship die a natural death, but I needed to know. I needed clarification.

 

My MM use to talk about what we would be doing together when we were older and how much he was obsessed with me. He would call me and stop by my house... then "poof" ... it all just stopped and I was devestated. I guess, it's the same in any relationship.... sometimes the fire burns out for one person sooner than it does for the other.

 

It hurts like hell and we end up missing the attention and the fantasy and the way it made us feel but I think, in the long run, we're better off without them.

 

The fire never even started with me---and you're saying it already burnt out? That makes me feel terrible. That people all tire of me so easily. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here at all then.

Now you're saying it has something to do with me--and not that he just felt guilty. That's even worse.

[veronese]

Stormy, you are asking for advice so here's some from another perspective.

 

 

My husband became involved/attached/familiar/friends with three other women over a long period of time (years) without my knowledge. When I found out (at Easter) the 17 years I'd spent with this man crumbled into smitherines.

 

These friendships were fundamentally platonic. Although he did share at one (intimate) kiss with at least one of them.

 

These three women were all fairly vulnerable in different ways and thoroughly enjoyed his attentions, fully aware of his marital status, that he wasn't offering anything other than friendships, but they were all physically/mentally/sexually attracted to him and vice versa.

 

When I asked how these women had continued to give up regular time to him for a prolongued period of time I asked because it suggested they were probably rather attached to him (and once again, vice versa) to continue a friendship, albeit irregular and superficial, for so long.

 

His answer?

 

Because they thought I was a nice guy.

 

How they could think that when they knew his wife was unaware of their existence beats me, but it transpires their feelings did indeed run deep enough for them to ignore the fact.

 

In addition, they were all under the impression that they were his one and only 'friend', thus raising their perceived importance in his heart. So why didn't you tell them about the others if these girls were just your friends? I asked.

 

Reply?

 

Because they would have felt differently about me he replied.

 

Stormy, married men like to play about.

 

Married men do so in a variety of different ways, some in full blown, passionate affairs, some embarking on what is commonly known as 'emotional affairs' (usually containing an element of sexual chemistry and attraction), the others in numerous other ways, evidence of which is portrayed in painful and devestating detail on this site.

 

Stormy, stop deluding yourself honey and get a life of your own. Friendships like the one you described with your married friend normally lead to trouble. Why not put it all in perspective, stop analysing his motives/behaviour, and accept it's really not your place to be giving him so much of your time, energy, thoughts and emotion.

 

The guy's married. The guy has a wife. He's already messing with your head isn't he?

 

Darling, let it go and let him be. My husband's 'friends' were all dumped unceremoniously, without notice, without consideration, without a second thought immediately after I found out about them. I didn't have any sympathy for them naturally, in fact I fantasised frequently about an abundance of misfortune and misery fortuously coming their way!

 

However, I have not been able to avoid recognising that all three of them had to deal with the sudden loss of his friendship, the sudden end to his attentions, and the feeling of rejection that came with his decision to cut them out of his life so unexpectedly and suddenly. Along with one or two carefully phrased texts I sent to their cell phones I think I succeeded in reinforcing any feelings of insignificance and irrelevance they played in his life.

 

When the chips are down MM often turn on their heels and run like the wind. Flirtatious titillating distractions with women (like you) along the way quite simply boost their feelings of self worth and massage their needy little egos. Sad though it is, men like my husband get so complacent with their wives they have no qualms about what they consider to be harmless interactions with other women, but have no desire or intention to lose what they have at home. That's probably why your married friend could let you down so insensitively and unexpectedly - surely his behaviour shows you in no uncertain terms where you slot in to his life? Way down the list Stormy, way down the list. Prepare to be let down indefinitely honey, cos compared to his family you don't even figure.

 

You'd better see this for what it is darling, cos the way you are feeling suggests you are placing a whole lot more importance on this 'friendship' with Mr. Married than he is....

 

For you own sake, let it go. And if you don't care about yourself, just give his wife and kids(?) a moments thouht. I was that wife, and my kids were those kids - and you, dear Stormy, will be one of those selfish, silly, thoughtless women who allow married men too close to you....

[Bella Mia]

You mentioned that after you two had kissed on several occassions, that you went back to just being friends. Did you really go back to just being friends or the appearance of just friends? Just because you two agree verbally to be friends does not mean your hearts don't secretly feel something completely different.

 

I think that is part of why you are so upset that he had his crisis come up. If a friend had to cancel on you would you be reacting the same way?

 

I think you two have not yet come to terms with where your feelings are for eachother and how/whether to proceed.

 

First be honest with yourself about how you feel and what you want. Do you have feelings for him beyond just friends? do you want more from him? can you handle and accept the fact that he is married?

 

Being the other woman means we realise things will "come up" , dates will be cancelled,understanding we are not first priority and may never be. And need to be able to come to terms with the reality of being in an affair, or get out before it gets too deep.