He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[Coolit]

Vellocet she ended the A and is getting a "transfer". Not dure what that entails or what line of work she is in. She has answered most question.

 

OP you do know why you did it. Sometimrs BS's seek some sort of huge revelation but know that their spouse was being selfish. But if the spouse confesses to being stupid and selfish it isn't good enough. So be prepared for him to be unreasonable. That is how a lot of people behave when their spouse betrays them.

 

I had my Affair because I wanted to experience the high of it and I planned never to get caught. It was a choice I made to be greedy. I was not looking for an AP but rather stumbled accross one. I don't know your reason but it really doesn't have to be a big revelation, a childhood trauma, an ignored problem or a bad marriage. Sometimes it is a decision made out of pure stupidity.

[harrybrown]

Sometimes the BS has been lied and deceived over and over again. It is not unreasonable after so much lying to not believe the anything that comes out of the WS mouth. ACTIONS are sometimes more important than the words, because you do not know what to believe.

[road]

My I don’t think my husband would be collecting evidencesince I have already end the affair at the same night he called the hotel room.My husband could be taking to other lawyer since he is one

 

My husband is a lot of things but he’s not naïve he’s very clearcut

 

One my friends also believes he just doesn’t care hope thatnot the case. I doubt he has someone else but then again I never thought I would have an affair so anything possible but I don’t think he has anyone else

 

He hasn’t really changed much we still talk and are stillcivil with each other but we are more like roommates than anything else. We havehad sex in last 3 months and in the last few months he hasn’t really touched me sexually. Sometimes I wonder if he knew about the affair before that night

 

The affair is already over and I’m asking for a transfer toanother office

 

 

To end your affair you will have to go NC, no contact for life with the OM. That means you will have to leave your job. Because you, I, and the other posters on LS know what is going to happen on the next business trip with the OM. Some more monkey business.

 

You also must tell your BH.

 

You want to learn how to save your marriage then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[atreides]

Vellocet she ended the A and is getting a "transfer". Not dure what that entails or what line of work she is in. She has answered most question.

 

OP you do know why you did it. Sometimrs BS's seek some sort of huge revelation but know that their spouse was being selfish. But if the spouse confesses to being stupid and selfish it isn't good enough. So be prepared for him to be unreasonable. That is how a lot of people behave when their spouse betrays them.

 

I had my Affair because I wanted to experience the high of it and I planned never to get caught. It was a choice I made to be greedy. I was not looking for an AP but rather stumbled accross one. I don't know your reason but it really doesn't have to be a big revelation, a childhood trauma, an ignored problem or a bad marriage. Sometimes it is a decision made out of pure stupidity.

 

 

I so much prefer you bluntness in regards to the truth, most of the time it is as you state, as simple as selfishness and greed. I so many times see the WS falsely accuse the BS or to simply fabricate to deflect their own guilt and project it upon them, the BS

[Chi townD]

Good luck. But, your husband knew. He just needed to confirm what he already knew. I mean, come on! Why call the hotel room when he KNOWS he can get you on your cell. A little too strange to do it that way.

 

As far as everything else. He could be in denial. Afraid of losing you. But, he's a pressure cooker. One day, that fear is going to go away.

 

Then again, he's a lawyer and probably makes a decent living. If he divorced you, he would be paying out his ass in child support, alimony and maintenance. All because you couldn't stay faithful, so why should he have to suffer? You know the old saying, "Cheaper to keep her!"

 

But, now he is never intimate with you, doesn't show any affection towards you, doesn't have sex with you....he's probably lost feelings for you. Even his love for you at some level. I mean, most men would! You were screwing some other guy and I venture to say that if your husband didn't let you know that he knew, you would be packing and looking forward to your next trip! I mean, you had the best of both worlds! The safety and security of the home and family AND you had your piece on the side! Only problem is, your husband smacked you with a dose of reality. And I think you're right. You don't have a husband anymore. You have a roommate that you're co-parenting with. Because, I think he's checked out of this marriage.

 

So...I don't know. You were in the driver seat when you decided to cheat on your husband and your family. Now, he's in the driver's seat as to where this relationship goes. That's out of your control.

Edited September 24, 2013 by Chi townD

[Sparty97]

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the husband had spent a bunch of time since finding out about the affair protecting his assets and offshoring as much $$$ as possible.

[carhill]

As an officer of the court and father of 7yo twins, H would be foolish to attempt anything even remotely illegal to gain a divorce advantage, not only risking his license to practice law but also substantial monetary damages being attached in a civil action.

 

How about we see how the conversation goes before jumping to conclusions? Eh?

[Sparty97]

I didn't say illegal...just protective,,,he would be stupid not to married to a cheat...who knows what she would do to gain the advantage in a divorce.

[Realist3]

I didn't say illegal...just protective,,,he would be stupid not to married to a cheat...who knows what she would do to gain the advantage in a divorce.

 

 

But what you suggested would be illegal.

[Sofie2013]

Well my confession talk did not go as planned. To be honest he didn’t let me tell him anything. It seems like we will be getting a divorce he didn’t say it our right but he does have something planned. I did try to explain to him but he wasn’t having it and he already knew everything he needs to know and any more information would be pointless. I asked multiple times what he meant but all he said was I would find out just as he had to find out. All in all I have more questions now than I did before. Although I’m pretty sure my marriage is over.

 

As for me I am a mess. I can’t stop crying and shacking I really don’t know what to do. I keep trying to find ways for him to talk to me and give up on anything he’s planning so we could work on our marriage and there isn’t any good reason for him to stick around. So if I can’t find any reason for him to stay then who knows what he’s thinking. I really give everything up for a few sex sessions with a man that isn’t half of the man I am married to. God wtf is wrong with me.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry Sofie.

 

You have to keep trying to talk to him. Clearly a huge mistake was not confessing to him immediately after the phone call when you returned home.

I am sure the fact that he kept it in and you not telling him just slowly raised his angry to the boiling part.

 

You do understand that he has been totally humiliated and his ego absolutely crushed. I guarantee you that most men would feel that they was not man enough for you so you searched elsewhere to have your needs met. You have to address this point immediately or your will not have any chance for reconciliation.

 

I do wish you luck Sofie because you are clearly remorseful.

[carhill]

Sorry to read things went sideways.

 

My advice is to accept his words and actions as valid and move to protect yourself and your children to the fullest extent of the law. As he apparently does not to currently wish, if ever, to work on the marriage, then I would assemble a legal team for next steps and suggest mediation, if available, as the first move. If you want to be sure to ensure your motions for support, etc, get in front of the court, file first. Otherwise, it's you that's under the gun, which can be hard to deal with in your current emotional state. In the end, it likely won't matter but IME, at the beginning, it can.

 

There are a lot of scenarios which come to mind, but speculation is IMO counterproductive. Go with the real. He doesn't want to communicate and says you'll find out what happens next ' the way he found out'. IMO, that's a threat I'd take seriously. Sleep on it and then get moving. Leave the door open to mediation or reconciliation but, regardless, move forward. Good luck.

[Chi townD]

Sorry to read things went sideways.

 

My advice is to accept his words and actions as valid and move to protect yourself and your children to the fullest extent of the law. As he apparently does not to currently wish, if ever, to work on the marriage, then I would assemble a legal team for next steps and suggest mediation, if available, as the first move. If you want to be sure to ensure your motions for support, etc, get in front of the court, file first. Otherwise, it's you that's under the gun, which can be hard to deal with in your current emotional state. In the end, it likely won't matter but IME, at the beginning, it can.

 

There are a lot of scenarios which come to mind, but speculation is IMO counterproductive. Go with the real. He doesn't want to communicate and says you'll find out what happens next ' the way he found out'. IMO, that's a threat I'd take seriously. Sleep on it and then get moving. Leave the door open to mediation or reconciliation but, regardless, move forward. Good luck.

 

To be honest, she is WAY behind the curve on this one. He's known for along time. Therefore, he's already started working his plan awhile back.

 

He's probably already file and was waiting for his timeline to have her served. It's obvious that he's a well educated man and has all of his ducks in a row. He sounds confident. He's got something planned.

[Coolit]

Do you live in a no fault state? If not he may be gathering concrete evidence. Nothing you can do about that.

 

Take Carhill's advice seriously and hire lawyer. Some peope want revenge after they have been betrayed. The want to hurt as much as they have been hurt and make the person pay. IMO this is a very wrong step to take when a chid is involved. You are still a mother. And ven if your wife status changes, your mom status doesn't. But you can't control your BH. All you can do is protect yourself legally.

 

Don't leave your home. Don't leave your child.

[Furious]

Well my confession talk did not go as planned. To be honest he didn’t let me tell him anything. It seems like we will be getting a divorce he didn’t say it our right but he does have something planned. I did try to explain to him but he wasn’t having it and he already knew everything he needs to know and any more information would be pointless. I asked multiple times what he meant but all he said was I would find out just as he had to find out. All in all I have more questions now than I did before. Although I’m pretty sure my marriage is over.

 

As for me I am a mess. I can’t stop crying and shacking I really don’t know what to do. I keep trying to find ways for him to talk to me and give up on anything he’s planning so we could work on our marriage and there isn’t any good reason for him to stick around. So if I can’t find any reason for him to stay then who knows what he’s thinking. I really give everything up for a few sex sessions with a man that isn’t half of the man I am married to. God wtf is wrong with me.

 

 

Sofie

 

Your story has triggered me.

 

I also discovered my husband's affair. After coming across something that caused me alarm I kept it to myself and hired a Private investigator. Within less than a week my suspicions were confirmed. I was devastated and felt so betrayed. I sat on the information and fought with myself over what I should do. When my husband returned from a business trip I handed him his suitcase and wished him well. I had already consulted a lawyer and was determined to divorce my husband.

 

My husband stayed in a hotel for over six weeks. He said exactly the same thing you said about risking our love, our marriage and family for a woman, half the woman he was married to.

 

My husband did not give up, he owned it, and became proactive, he sought Individual counselling, he was determined to be the man who he always wanted to be. He fought for me, but regardless as to whether we reconciled or not he did this anyway. This was two years ago, and we are together, stronger than ever.

 

There are no guarantees, but don't give up hope.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

My advice is to accept his words and actions as valid and move to protect yourself and your children to the fullest extent of the law. As he apparently does not to currently wish, if ever, to work on the marriage, then I would assemble a legal team for next steps and suggest mediation, if available, as the first move. If you want to be sure to ensure your motions for support, etc, get in front of the court, file first. Otherwise, it's you that's under the gun, which can be hard to deal with in your current emotional state. In the end, it likely won't matter but IME, at the beginning, it can.

 

So the OP has an affair. She's having lunch time quickies, "business trips", etc for six months. She only stopped the affair because she got busted. Otherwise, it would still be going on. She betrays and humiliates her husband. She decides to tank her marriage. She creates a broken home for her kids. And the advice is for her to serve up a second **** sandwich to her husband by making a preemptive strike on the legal side?

 

Poor guy. I hope he has the cash and connections to legal up and protect his assets. It's bad enough that he gets stabbed in the back, and will only see his kids half as much. Now he has to write a check for it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

For some it is a dealbreaker, nothing wrong with that at all.

 

Infidelity is designed to end marriages, that is why most religions and the laws make legal ways out due to infidelity, the destruction to the bs/relationship is that severe.

 

Too bad our society has made infidelity the butt of jokes, campy romantic comedies..when it couldnt be further from the truth.

[Coolit]

So the OP has an affair. She's having lunch time quickies, "business trips", etc for six months. She only stopped the affair because she got busted. Otherwise, it would still be going on. She betrays and humiliates her husband. She decides to tank her marriage. She creates a broken home for her kids. And the advice is for her to serve up a second **** sandwich to her husband by making a preemptive strike on the legal side?

 

Poor guy. I hope he has the cash and connections to legal up and protect his assets. It's bad enough that he gets stabbed in the back, and will only see his kids half as much. Now he has to write a check for it.

 

Unless a person abuses their children they should not have their children taken from them. The marriage is probably over. If her BS is planning to destroy her she should protect herself from that. No one is suggesting she take him to the cleaners but rather to be prepared for him taking her to the cleaners.

[Misfortune]

Why do people act as if the moms are the only ones who care about the kids, should get custody and can protect the kids in times of peril? She did wrong and the husband is taking appropriate LEGAL measures to deal with the matter. I don't recall seeing the OP mentioning anything about her husband treating the kids poorly.

 

OP- Has he treated the kids any differently at any point during your affair? How is he treating them now? Were you more attentive to the needs of your kids than their father, during the duration of your affair?

[aliveagain]

Are you in a State that allows a betrayed spouse to sue Other Man for "Alienation Of Affections?" The States that still allow it are: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Hampshire, North Carolina, New Mexico, South Dakota, and Utah. All he has to prove is he had love for you and that his love for you was alienated or destroyed and that the intentional conduct of Other Man caused that to happen. There have been recent awards of 9 million dollars awarded to the betrayed spouse. I think that only one of you has to live in one of these States(you don't but O/M does). In fact even if neither of you live in one of these States but the action that caused the alienation occurred in one of the States he can still sue O/M. The affair can be emotional as well as physical, both qualify. If this is the case, talk to a lawyer you could be dragged into the suit in a derivative or counter action by Other Man. This is the perfect revenge by a betrayed spouse, specially one with a legal background. I think this is what he is planning, he let you and your affair partner hang yourselves. Learn the term "Criminal Conversation" this is easier to prove and is usually tied in with Alienation of Affections(just means you had sex with Other Man).

Edited September 24, 2013 by aliveagain

[BeholdtheMan]

I know I should confess but the thought of what could happen scares the hell out of me. Part me just wants to keep acting like nothing changed. I don’t want to lose everything I worked so hard to build.

Maybe you should have thought about that before you started cheating...

 

He knows and you know he knows, is it that hard to confront him first? Your moral cowardice is astounding

[BeholdtheMan]

Well my confession talk did not go as planned. To be honest he didn’t let me tell him anything. It seems like we will be getting a divorce he didn’t say it our right but he does have something planned. I did try to explain to him but he wasn’t having it and he already knew everything he needs to know and any more information would be pointless. I asked multiple times what he meant but all he said was I would find out just as he had to find out.

Like a boss

 

As for me I am a mess. I can’t stop crying and shacking I really don’t know what to do. I keep trying to find ways for him to talk to me and give up on anything he’s planning so we could work on our marriage and there isn’t any good reason for him to stick around. So if I can’t find any reason for him to stay then who knows what he’s thinking. I really give everything up for a few sex sessions with a man that isn’t half of the man I am married to. God wtf is wrong with me.

I have zero sympathy for you, but I hope this teaches you a lesson and you become a better person

[Oberfeldwebel]

What you did, you did for your own selfish gratification. There may have also been issues in the marriage that should have been addressed as well as personal issues. It doesn't sound like your husband is going to be up for reconciliation and can't really blame him for that decision. Some people can forgive and move on and others cannot. Personally I don't think that the marriage has to end but it has to be based on both of you honestly working to fix the problems. Letting this hang out there after you knew that the cat was out of the bag was probably not your best decision. Bad news never gets better with age. I'm sure he has taken legal matters in hand and plans to file for divorce on grounds of infidelity and probably custody as well. I would also assume that he has plans to expose to the world, including your employer. You can sit around and wait for the other shoe to fall or you can take charge of your life.

 

You need to contact an attorney to determine your legal status. You need to confess to your family, friends and even the other women. Don't give details, but expose and ask for help and understanding for your situation. Get counseling to deal with the issues and look for a way forward. Your husband is hurt, though in time may feel differently. I would say he suspected this much sooner that you think, even if he could not prove it outright. Lies and half truths have gotten you where you are today, honesty is the way forward.

Edited September 24, 2013 by Oberfeldwebel

[Sparty97]

But what you suggested would be illegal.

 

 

Oh, I bet a good lawyer could figure out a perfectly legal way to do it.

[Sparty97]

Do you live in a no fault state? If not he may be gathering concrete evidence. Nothing you can do about that.

 

Take Carhill's advice seriously and hire lawyer. Some peope want revenge after they have been betrayed. The want to hurt as much as they have been hurt and make the person pay. IMO this is a very wrong step to take when a chid is involved. You are still a mother. And ven if your wife status changes, your mom status doesn't. But you can't control your BH. All you can do is protect yourself legally.

 

Don't leave your home. Don't leave your child.

 

She cheated...she should leave.