He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[ChooseTruth]

Not BS at all. What you suggest is actually against the law.

 

Also, there is children involved. And just because te WS didn't take the kids into consideration when engaging in the affair doesn't mean the BS shouldn't. I never think people should stat together because of the kids. But I do think they should avoid loud outbursts and name calling in front of the kids. I also think her getting tossed out on her ear in front of her kids is not right. Until they reach some sort of custody agreement she needs to stay there. Because if she goes out the door and he isn't talkin to her how will anything with the children be decided. Or if she takes the kids with her how is that good for him or them?

 

Yes this needs to be handled in a thoughtful way at least for the children's sake. I read "Good Divorce" and some of "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way" just to make sure I was doing things right before I did anything. (I hate the title of the second book cut'n'paste is my friend)

 

Ideally, you divide up all the household belongings in a spreadsheet before the move so there are no arguments. You tell the children together, with a planned speech so there's no argument about who says what. Do this about a month before you separate to give them time to digest, but not too early is the advice I read. Get your general idea of where people will live figured out, what the general schedule is going to be before you tell the children. My ex and I knew where she was going to live, where I was going to live, and that it was going to be 50/50. We were able to explain what would stay the same, and what would change. The need to know they will see both parents, that it wasn't their own fault, they are loved, they will be cared for, etc. I was actually fairly shocked at how well my daughter took it, but I did my absolute best to give her the best possible transition and I think that effort paid off. It could have been much much worse.

 

Leaving suddenly in the middle of the night or tossing someone out...that's the opposite horrible thing to do to your kids.

 

Hopefully OP's BH is thinking about this as well... This might be a topic to bring up with him.

[William]

Thread closed pending an update from thread starter. Thanks for your participation.

 

Update: Per request, thread starter will provide an update and members will discuss the thread starter's issue per our guidelines and refrain from cross-talk and off-topic conversations between themselves. Thanks.

Edited September 25, 2013 by William
Thread opened per request

[Sofie2013]

Nothing new has happen yet. I Was freaking last night because hubby didn’t come home till about 11 and he didn’t even bother in telling or anything. I did try calling but he never answer my calls they just went straight to voice mail. Same goes for the all texts I sent him he didn’t answer them either. When he did come home I tried to talk to him. He still didn’t want to talk me unless it had to do with the kids and if not he didn’t care. He also stared moving all of his things from our bedroom into guest bedroom. So things are just seem to be going from bad to worse. I really don’t know what I can do if he won’t speak to me.

 

On different note, I was able to set up appointment for Monday with a divorce lawyer. We did speak over the phone for a few minutes. I told everything that was going on and what I was planning to do. She did tell me she would like to see before I talk to mm wife. She said she would call me if she was able to see me today. So we will see what happens.

Edited September 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads on similar topic merged

[BetrayedH]

If he won't speak to you, then write him. Slide it under the guest bedroom door if you must.

[Sofie2013]

If he won't speak to you, then write him. Slide it under the guest bedroom door if you must.

 

Already tried something similar with the time line and it didn’t work but I guess it’s worth another shot. I will start to write him a later and try again tonight.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You have to understand that you hurt your husband profoundly. He is retreating, as he should. Very hard for many to allow the very person who caused such pain to try to help.

[BetrayedH]

I think if you just leave it in the guest room, he'll read it. I don't see another option. Better make it a good one.

[Sofie2013]

You have to understand that you hurt your husband profoundly. He is retreating, as he should. Very hard for many to allow the very person who caused such pain to try to help.

 

Yeah I am just starting to realize the amount of pain he mustbe going through. What I’m feeling probably doesn’t even compare to what he’s mustbe feeling. I just hope he doesn’t do something disruptive. I don’t want him todo something that can cost him everything because of what I did.

[Chi townD]

Wow, okay...your husband isn't bending at all. He's total focused on his game plan and might be even more resentful of you for screwing up his grand plan of "Having you find out like I did". I can only assume that would mean that it would come to you as a big frickin shock! Perhaps having you served at work in front of everyone. And having you come home to an empty house.

 

He didn't have all his ducks in a row when you confessed to him. You spoiled his surprise.

 

So, you can try the letter, but it might fall on deaf ears. Hold it together when you get served. You know it's coming, just accept it. Just because you were served doesn't mean that the divorce has to go through. It's just one step in a long process.

[Sofie2013]

Wow, okay...your husband isn't bending at all. He's total focused on his game plan and might be even more resentful of you for screwing up his grand plan of "Having you find out like I did". I can only assume that would mean that it would come to you as a big frickin shock! Perhaps having you served at work in front of everyone. And having you come home to an empty house.

 

He didn't have all his ducks in a row when you confessed to him. You spoiled his surprise.

 

So, you can try the letter, but it might fall on deaf ears. Hold it together when you get served. You know it's coming, just accept it. Just because you were served doesn't mean that the divorce has to go through. It's just one step in a long process.

 

I don’t know what he was planning but if he was going for a “big frickin shock” he pretty much ruined that himself when he called to the hotel room. So who knows what he’s thinking or planning. Although I’m scared of him exposing the affair at work because that might coast me my job and that’s does happen the mm wife and mm would try and blame it all on me. Yeah my life as of now is just a time bomb waiting to go off.

 

I think he already had all of his ducks in a row and he was just waiting for the right time.

 

I’m trying to hold myself together but it’sgetting hard. I have to stay strong at least for my kids. Since this will drag on for sometime.

[Chi townD]

I don’t know what he was planning but if he was going for a “big frickin shock” he pretty much ruined that himself when he called to the hotel room. So who knows what he’s thinking or planning. Although I’m scared of him exposing the affair at work because that might coast me my job and that’s does happen the mm wife and mm would try and blame it all on me. Yeah my life as of now is just a time bomb waiting to go off.

 

I think he already had all of his ducks in a row and he was just waiting for the right time.

 

I’m trying to hold myself together but it’sgetting hard. I have to stay strong at least for my kids. Since this will drag on for sometime.

 

He's not stupid. He's not going to expose this to your work. If he got you fired and you become unemployed, he'll need to pay alimony and a lot more of it.

 

Nah, he'll want you to keep your job. He'd be stupid to get you fired.

[Sofie2013]

He's not stupid. He's not going to expose this to your work. If he got you fired and you become unemployed, he'll need to pay alimony and a lot more of it.

 

Nah, he'll want you to keep your job. He'd be stupid to get you fired.

 

Yeah he would leave himself open to paying alimony. He still might want to do just to hurt the mm and if he loses his job then I doubt I would keep mine. Besides the most I could get alimony for is only a few years he could just take the hit.

[Sofie2013]

Because its their property too. Now what I did was give my cheating x-wife the option. Either she leaves, or I do, and based on what my attorney said, whoever gets to keep the house will owe the other 1/2 the equity.

 

So my problem was solved, she left because she didn't want to pay me 1/2 the equity, which wasn't much, the trade off was that I paid the credit card debt, which was less than the equity.

 

That and I got to keep the house another few years, increased equity, sold it and I got all the profit off the sale. I won.

 

I think I will answer the whole who leaves and stays situation. At this point if I and my husband do go through a divorce I would most likely leave. Even if I do stay and keep the house in divorce I would most likely end up sell the house anyway. I just can’t afford to pay the mortgage. Now I would more than happy to leave because my husband would be able to afford the houseand that way my boys don’t have to move.

[Sofie2013]

Well alimony, if it could be rewarded in this sitch, would be insult to injury. The fair thing to do is not go for it. You have done enough to him already.

 

If its allowed, then legally you would be within your rights to go for it and collect it. But then what would that say about you? Cheat and then make him pay your way for a few years? I'd be ashamed to even try to fleece him after what he has already endured.

 

You’re right asking for alimony would just be a slap in the face. So I don’t plan to ask for anything. If he does plan on go through a divorce. I will try to make quick and easy for all of us. My husband has worked extremely hard to get at this point and for everything he has so I don’t plan to take any of it.

 

I was just answering the question someone asked

[Chi townD]

Yeah he would leave himself open to paying alimony. He still might want to do just to hurt the mm and if he loses his job then I doubt I would keep mine. Besides the most I could get alimony for is only a few years he could just take the hit.

 

To get back at the OM? I could see it.

 

But, if he's intelligent enough to see past his own anger, I don't think he would want to take that hit. Why would he want to pay for your mistakes? Even if he makes a good living, why would he even want to pay any more money out for a sense of revenge? It would seem like he would shoot himself in the foot.

 

Most guys would do whatever they can to pay out as little as possible. You can look on here an see where a lot of guys got wrung through the ringer in the courts and they're pretty bitter. Stating that their wives cheat on them and they get the house, the kids, child support, alimony AND the OM and the BH is left holding the bag barely making ends meet living in a studio apartment. Therefore, most guys only sense of revenge they can get is getting away from the WW without giving up too much. So, I still don't think he'll expose to your work. If anything, I think he could go after the OM for Alienation of affection suit. I could see that happening.

 

So, write that letter to your BS. Leave it for him, do NOT fill it with excuses on why you did it. He doesn't want to hear that stuff. Suggest counseling and also I would suggest that you are willing to sign a post-nup. That might spark his interest.

[Sofie2013]

Then he would owe you half the equity in the house that was accumulated while you were married. If you bought the house together, then you would be owed half of its appraised value minus what is left to pay on the mortgage.

 

If he had the house and was paying on it before you were married, then the attorneys would have to figure out how much equity was paid down after you were married.

 

And you could negotiate to get this either out of a savings account, or if there is not enough in liquid assets to pay you your half, it could be negotiated to come out of whatever retirement he has. In other words, you'd figure out how much of his retirement you are due and then half the equity of the house added to that.

 

We brought the house together. So he would have to buy me out which shouldn’t be a problem for him and with that I should be able to find a decent place to live. I don’t really want think about this right now since that not what I want I much rather focus on saving my marriage.

[ChooseTruth]

You’re right asking for alimony would just be a slap in the face. So I don’t plan to ask for anything. If he does plan on go through a divorce. I will try to make quick and easy for all of us. My husband has worked extremely hard to get at this point and for everything he has so I don’t plan to take any of it.

 

I was just answering the question someone asked

Wow, my ex didn't feel this way at all... I don't know, I kinda do think you should think about whatever is best for the kids. They should have access to both parents equally. You don't want them living in squalor 50% of the time. I justify alimony to myself that way...though the crap my ex is fighting for now is just criminal..ugh. I have to admit, if she ever wanted to reconcile, the way the divorce has gone just...added water under the bridge...I wouldn't take her back anyway I don't think.

 

I think in this case her "confession" is probably meaningless. He already knew everything and she knew (topic title??). When the BS learns everything on his own, there's very little hope for regaining trust because "I didn't cheat today" kinda truth means almost nothing.

[BetrayedH]

We brought the house together. So he would have to buy me out which shouldn’t be a problem for him and with that I should be able to find a decent place to live. I don’t really want think about this right now since that not what I want I much rather focus on saving my marriage.

 

Excellent.

 

Apologize.

Assure him that the affair is over; no contact for life.

Plans to confess and apologize to other BS.

Take the blame.

Willingness to do whatever is necessary.

Signed up for individual counseling to determine why you would do such a thing.

Promise to never lie again; will honestly answer any questions.

Will own the affair in divorce proceedings if it comes to that.

Apologize.

 

You might want to spruce those up a bit.

[BetrayedH]

Wow, my ex didn't feel this way at all... I don't know, I kinda do think you should think about whatever is best for the kids. They should have access to both parents equally. You don't want them living in squalor 50% of the time. I justify alimony to myself that way...though the crap my ex is fighting for now is just criminal..ugh. I have to admit, if she ever wanted to reconcile, the way the divorce has gone just...added water under the bridge...I wouldn't take her back anyway I don't think.

 

I think in this case her "confession" is probably meaningless. He already knew everything and she knew (topic title??). When the BS learns everything on his own, there's very little hope for regaining trust because "I didn't cheat today" kinda truth means almost nothing.

 

If she has a decent job, declining alimony is the right thing to do. 50/50 custody of the kids is also a good default and then child support would go by state formula.

 

And the word, confession, is certainly a misnomer in this case. That boat has sailed. Still, openness and honesty couldn't be more key if she wants to reconcile. And doing it at risk to herself in a divorce might be a powerful statement. You and I probably would have given up an appendage to get honesty. We didn't get it and still tried to reconcile. Damn fools were we.

 

And like yours, I agree that my wife's actions during the separation and divorce put a final nail in the coffin (as if it needed one more). Trying to take the kids right away and then trying to get more than 50/50 custody was over the top. She was afraid of the "stigma" of being the mother and not having primary custody. That one made me laugh out loud.

[Sofie2013]

Ok my lawyer just called me and she today she could meet with me at 4:00. So I planon going to see her. I have a few questions to ask. So we will see how thatgoes. Thanks for all the help and support it means a lot

[NotCamelot]

Ok my lawyer just called me and she today she could meet with me at 4:00. So I planon going to see her. I have a few questions to ask. So we will see how thatgoes. Thanks for all the help and support it means a lot

 

I sincerely applaud your attitude. I consider your thoughts very considerate about how to proceed if you do divorce. That shows a lot of remorse and acceptance of responsibility for the problem.

 

Now, find a way to show that feeling to your husband. I hope it works out for you. It will not be easy.......not at all.

 

But, if you do stay together, find a way, everyday, to make him glad for that decision.

[ChooseTruth]

If she has a decent job, declining alimony is the right thing to do. 50/50 custody of the kids is also a good default and then child support would go by state formula.

 

And the word, confession, is certainly a misnomer in this case. That boat has sailed. Still, openness and honesty couldn't be more key if she wants to reconcile. And doing it at risk to herself in a divorce might be a powerful statement. You and I probably would have given up an appendage to get honesty. We didn't get it and still tried to reconcile. Damn fools were we.

 

And like yours, I agree that my wife's actions during the separation and divorce put a final nail in the coffin (as if it needed one more). Trying to take the kids right away and then trying to get more than 50/50 custody was over the top. She was afraid of the "stigma" of being the mother and not having primary custody. That one made me laugh out loud.

 

True, my ex hadn't worked in years. I think alimony to a point in my case is right. I don't know about Sofie.

 

What your ex did was effed up, to both you and your children. What about the stigma of destroying your family and denying your kids their father?

[BetrayedH]

True, my ex hadn't worked in years. I think alimony to a point in my case is right. I don't know about Sofie.

 

What your ex did was effed up, to both you and your children. What about the stigma of destroying your family and denying your kids their father?

 

Yeah, it left me shaking my head. She's lucky I didn't post that blog link on FB. I coudn't believe it took 10 months and then 6 hours into mediation to land on 50/50 because of the stigma associated with 50/50.

 

Hopefully the OP does better.

[ForeverHopeful1]

You say you care about your marriage and care about saving it. WHY do you NOW care about your marriage?

[Sparty97]

A soon to be ex that doesn't want alimony...is willing to move out so the children don't have to move (meaning she is leaving him with primary custody?)... I am beginning to have a very hard time believing this thread.