Chi townD Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Tricking her H isn't the answer. Write remorseful things to others because he might be watching? That's just more dishonesty. How would she be tricking him, exactly? She should be writing things because she IS remorseful! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Share Posted September 26, 2013 I'd like to add this angle... I'm sure that he wanted to be the best father he could be. He wanted to be there for his kids because his parents weren't there for him. Now, because of not fault of his own, you have made him a part-time father because of your affair. He's not going to be able to tuck his kids in bed every night because of custody arrangements. I'm sure that burns him up inside. I would agree with this also. This could be causing him alot more pain then he wants to let on. He really does love them and he would do anything for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 You aren't telling him you are letting his wife know? So you're just letting him get blindsided? Do you really think that's fair? You both cheated. You can tell her if you feel it's right, and personally I absolutely think it is, but he should at least know what he's in for. I have to disagree. He blindsided himself by not coming clean to his wife already. If she warns him it will cause more drama and he will likely just gaslight his wife and make Sofie look like a lying stalker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Share Posted September 26, 2013 You aren't telling him you are letting his wife know? So you're just letting him get blindsided? Do you really think that's fair? You both cheated. You can tell her if you feel it's right, and personally I absolutely think it is, but he should at least know what he's in for. I don’t know should I tell. I mean he’s the one that went after me knowing I was married. True he didn’t make do anything I didn’t want to but does that mean I should tell him first he could tell his wife I’m just lying or who knows what he would tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 You aren't telling him you are letting his wife know? So you're just letting him get blindsided? Do you really think that's fair? You both cheated. You can tell her if you feel it's right, and personally I absolutely think it is, but he should at least know what he's in for. Sorry, respectfully don't agree with this at all. I feel that she has a right to know what's going on in her own marriage and what kind of man she's married to! That way, she has a right to decide how she wants to deal with this. To have a chance to make an informed decision for herself and her kids. Giving the guy a "heads up" only gives him time to come up with a viable and believable story that she's a nut job that has a lot a personal things going on in her life and she's looking to point fingers and anyone else but herself. Believe me, I've seen it before. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Share Posted September 26, 2013 I have to disagree. He blindsided himself by not coming clean to his wife already. If she warns him it will cause more drama and he will likely just gaslight his wife and make Sofie look like a lying stalker. Beside the if he was going to tell his wife he would done so already the affair has been over for little more than a month and he hasn’t said anything to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Writing things just because he might be reading is tricking. You were quite clear that she should write remorseful comments because he might be reading them, not because she is feeling them. Doing that with the intention/hope that he is watching is being deceitful and is what got her into this mess to begin with. Your right. Write things that are remorseful if she is remorseful (therefore, that's honesty and not trickery). I wouldn't write things like, "I just don't understand why he won't listen to reason. Why is he being so stubborn? Why is he being an asshat and not talking with me!" THAT would be counterproductive. And that's even IF he's snooping around! I just came up with a theory! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Share Posted September 26, 2013 Writing things just because he might be reading is tricking. You were quite clear that she should write remorseful comments because he might be reading them, not because she is feeling them. Doing that with the intention/hope that he is watching is being deceitful and is what got her into this mess to begin with. I also feel the same way. Beside if husband found I was doing something like that he would see it as me playing the victim and he doesn’t like that. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 You aren't telling him you are letting his wife know? So you're just letting him get blindsided? Do you really think that's fair? You both cheated. You can tell her if you feel it's right, and personally I absolutely think it is, but he should at least know what he's in for. You are kidding, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Beside the if he was going to tell his wife he would done so already the affair has been over for little more than a month and he hasn’t said anything to her. No heads-up for the MM. As the others said, it just gives him an opportunity to paint you as a crazy stalker. If he gets to her before you do, she's going to tend to believe him and not you. She's likely to lean that way regardless. For this reason, you should bring proof. No contact with your OM and no protecting him. This is exclusively about doing right by the OM's wife. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Share Posted September 26, 2013 No heads-up for the MM. As the others said, it just gives him an opportunity to paint you as a crazy stalker. If he gets to her before you do, she's going to tend to believe him and not you. She's likely to lean that way regardless. For this reason, you should bring proof. No contact with your OM and no protecting him. This is exclusively about doing right by the OM's wife. Yeah I don’t plan to tell the mm nothing. Plus it’s been about month since NC started and I don’t plan breaking it now. I can’t show her too much since my lawyer said she could possible turn it and use it to get me fired. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Share Posted September 26, 2013 Does anyone have any idea on how to tell her this? Do I do as soon as we sit down or do we order something and then tell her? Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 I would advise the restaurant that you are only there for drinks. His wife will not be in the mood to eat. Her body will go into protection mode. She will experience physical and emotional responses that will only increase as the conversation continues, she might even throw up. Do.Not.Warn.OM This is where you clearly take back your loyalty. It is to you, your husband, children, his wife. PS. If you see her in emotional distress, offer to call a cab to get her home. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Does anyone have any idea on how to tell her this? Do I do as soon as we sit down or do we order something and then tell her? I would tell her straight up that you havea difficult confession to make. No sense having a filet on the way if she decides to up and walk. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. It's going to be hard but you're doing the right thing, Sophie. This is the path to healing for everyone involved. And I would reconsider the proof piece. Your attorney works for you, not the other way around. As I said many times before, you have a choice to protect your ass or to do the right thing. I recommend you be honest and let the chips fall where they may. You will recover but you need your self-respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Share Posted September 26, 2013 Well my friend sent me a text she waiting in the lobby forme. I just send her a reply. I’m scared, nervous,and anxious. I really don’t want do this and to make it worse she sounds happy if she only knew what I’m about to tell her she going to hate me after this. I will be back later tonight to tell you guys how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Well my friend sent me a text she waiting in the lobby forme. I just send her a reply. I’m scared, nervous,and anxious. I really don’t want do this and to make it worse she sounds happy if she only knew what I’m about to tell her she going to hate me after this. I will be back later tonight to tell you guys how it goes. No matter how it goes, I'm proud of you for finding the courage. With you in spirit today. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Sending prayers and positive thoughts for strength and courage, for you and all involved! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Exposing the Other Man will be viewed by your husband as a positive step a choice for the marriage. Your doing the right thing, actions are believable to your husband, words are just more lies. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 You aren't telling him you are letting his wife know? So you're just letting him get blindsided? Do you really think that's fair? You both cheated. You can tell her if you feel it's right, and personally I absolutely think it is, but he should at least know what he's in for. The OM blindsided the BH and his BW and you cry boo hoo that the OM is not warned by the WW. Are you for real? For the WW to break NC and warn the OM is just another betrayal of her BH. Another continuation of the affair? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ian1966 Posted September 27, 2013 Share Posted September 27, 2013 Originally Posted by seethingandsmiling You aren't telling him you are letting his wife know? So you're just letting him get blindsided? Do you really think that's fair? You both cheated. You can tell her if you feel it's right, and personally I absolutely think it is, but he should at least know what he's in for. The OM blindsided the BH and his BW and you cry boo hoo that the OM is not warned by the WW. Are you for real? For the WW to break NC and warn the OM is just another betrayal of her BH. Another continuation of the affair? Exactly. I dobbed in my AP (MW) to her H to end the A after she pursued me after giving her a letter demanding NC and threatening to dob her in. Worked like a charm. So far NC for about 4 months. So to all those that complain that I wasn't being fair, not my right, etc... well boo hoo. The greater betrayal was her betraying her H. There are no rules in A's. They can start and stop under many different circumstances, no one in an A owes any loyalty to their AP. .. and I copped quite a spanking from these forums for doing just that. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 27, 2013 Share Posted September 27, 2013 Update please Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Share Posted September 27, 2013 Sorry for taking so long on the update. So I did tell my friend (mm wife) about the affair. We meet in the lobby walked to the restaurant talked about some work and other stuff. We got to the restaurant we didn’t order food but order drinks. I was quiet for most of the conversation she kind of picked up on it and asked if everything was ok. At this point I decided to tell her everything. I told how the affair stared how it went to flirting to text messages and phone calls and how we then stared meeting each other for lunch dates. I went on to say how the affair went from EA to PA in June on our first business trip together. We both decided to go the bar in the hotel room one night. We both had a little too much to drink and it lead to us in his hotel room. I also told her we would meet again once more in July and we weren’t drunk this time and we what we were doing and we were going to hook up once more in July but we didn’t because we weren’t able to. I also told her about the last in August and how that the night my husband called the hotel and that’s the night we also end the affair. She went quiet and she gave me a look of complete disgust. When she did say something she said she wasn’t surprise. She said for the last few months her marriage has been terrible. At first she thought it was her but then came to realize he was doing something she just couldn’t prove it and it wasn’t his first affair. We sat there for a few more minutes more at this point we both stared to cry a little bit so she just decided to leave but not without calling me a few names I looked at her and told her I was sorry and I hope that one day she could forgive me. I left short after her went to my car and had another emotional break down and cried. I lost a really good friend to day this affair is without a doubt the biggest mistake of my life. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Share Posted September 27, 2013 Over all I would say I went ok she a very strong women and very successful. I hope she does what’s best for her Link to post Share on other sites
Coolit Posted September 27, 2013 Share Posted September 27, 2013 You did the right thing. And i'm glad a major scene didn't happen. Her response shows that most BSs want to know. Keep on going. You can come back from this even if you lose everything but your boys. Stay strong. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 27, 2013 Share Posted September 27, 2013 That took courage, but it was the right thing to do. You are definitely doing all the right things right now. I know the road is long ahead of you; but, use that same courage and make your H feel just how sorry you are and how much you love him. all the best 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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