He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[BetrayedH]

Over all I would say I went ok she a very strong women and very successful. I hope she does what’s best for her

 

Well done, Sophie. My fingers were crossed for you. I'm sure that was amazingly difficult and it's a step so few have the courage to make. You did the right thing by her and if anything is going to matter to your husband, I think this is it. Stay determined that this affair will not define you. Regardless of your mistakes, I think you'll always be able to look back on this as putting your best foot forward. I hope you keep doing it.

 

For what it's worth, I think you should cut yourself a break tomorrow. Today was a rough one. I'm glad it's behind you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I can only imagine how hard that first word was to get out.

 

Courage, is the exact word you embodied today. Congrats on this step of reclaiming your Self Respect.

[HopingAgain]

Well done today, Sofie. I cant imagine how difficult that must have been to do.

[aliveagain]

It wasn't his first rodeo, she needed to know the truth because she was at risk. Turns out he's not that much of a catch, not someone you want to throw your marriage away for. They are no longer your worry, the friendship is dead, inform your husband that you exposed him to his wife. That took courage, it's unfortunate you didn't handle your discovery the same way. Your refusal to discuss it with your husband the next morning cost you. You should have been on the first available flight home to plead for his forgiveness. You did the right thing today.

[whichwayisup]

Kudos to you for telling her, that took courage. Maybe she will forgive you, maybe she won't..At least you apologized and owned your part in all of it. I hope it helps you forgive 'you' too.

[Coolit]

I can only imagine how hard that first word was to get out.

 

i know how hard it is. And I have never done anything so hard. So I know first hand the courage it took to say the words. I will never forget when I finally got the guts to confess. I looked at my H standing inside the door with a dozen red roses in his hand. I wasn't expecing flowers and almost lost my courage... Again. All the reasons not to tell come rushing into your mind. And then you do.

[Zenstudent]

It's a sad situation, it really is. On the flip side, it makes me happy to read that you own it and take responsibility and seem to have learned something from it.

 

I think this was an important step in your own healing process. Take care.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I know this is tough, but I think you did the right thing. She now knows and won't be blaming herself for his bad behavior. I think you now know you were played by a player. He has done this before and will probably do it again, it is who he is, after all.

 

I would encourage you to get out with the kids and do frequent fun events in your spare time at home. Maybe it will entice your husband to want to tag along and see what he is going to miss. I get the impression that he has abandonment issues that he has not dealt with and tends to close off emotionally. This is a defense mechanism, but can be hard on a marriage. I also get the impression that he is consumed with his work. This may also be tied to self worth issues, again tied to the abandonment as a child.

 

He will need time to heal, but hang in there, I still think this relationship can be saved. I know that is pride is bruised and his trust is a zero right now, but he won't win in a divorce either. Even if he wins 50/50 custody, he still will be without them 50% of the time. Don't give up hope yet.

[petee]

As above. Do NOT give up hope. You have some serious work ahead of you and no dobt some setbacks, but if there's a chance ther is definitely a way.

It will be a testing 6 months ahead now.

[road]

Exactly. I dobbed in my AP (MW) to her H to end the A after she pursued me after giving her a letter demanding NC and threatening to dob her in. Worked like a charm. So far NC for about 4 months.

So to all those that complain that I wasn't being fair, not my right, etc... well boo hoo. The greater betrayal was her betraying her H. There are no rules in A's. They can start and stop under many different circumstances, no one in an A owes any loyalty to their AP.

.. and I copped quite a spanking from these forums for doing just that.

 

Dobbed in?

 

We use the King's English here.

 

Not Aborigine English.

[road]

Sorry for taking so long on the update.

 

So I did tell my friend (mm wife) about the affair. We meet in the lobby walked to the restaurant talked about some work and other stuff. We got to the restaurant we didn’t order food but order drinks. I was quiet for most of the conversation she kind of picked up on it and asked if everything was ok. At this point I decided to tell her everything. I told how the affair stared how it went to flirting to text messages and phone calls and how we then stared meeting each other for lunch dates. I went on to say how the affair went from EA to PA in June on our first business trip together. We both decided to go the bar in the hotel room one night. We both had a little too much to drink and it lead to us in his hotel room. I also told her we would meet again once more in July and we weren’t drunk this time and we what we were doing and we were going to hook up once more in July but we didn’t because we weren’t able to. I also told her about the last in August and how that the night my husband called the hotel and that’s the night we also end the affair. She went quiet and she gave me a look of complete disgust. When she did say something she said she wasn’t surprise. She said for the last few months her marriage has been terrible. At first she thought it was her but then came to realize he was doing something she just couldn’t prove it and it wasn’t his first affair. We sat there for a few more minutes more at this point we both stared to cry a little bit so she just decided to leave but not without calling me a few names I looked at her and told her I was sorry and I hope that one day she could forgive me. I left short after her went to my car and had another emotional break down and cried. I lost a really good friend to day this affair is without a doubt the biggest mistake of my life.

 

Congratulations for manning up. You did one of the many things that has to be done post dday.

[Sofie2013]

I know this is tough, but I think you did the right thing. She now knows and won't be blaming herself for his bad behavior. I think you now know you were played by a player. He has done this before and will probably do it again, it is who he is, after all.

 

I would encourage you to get out with the kids and do frequent fun events in your spare time at home. Maybe it will entice your husband to want to tag along and see what he is going to miss. I get the impression that he has abandonment issues that he has not dealt with and tends to close off emotionally. This is a defense mechanism, but can be hard on a marriage. I also get the impression that he is consumed with his work. This may also be tied to self worth issues, again tied to the abandonment as a child.

 

He will need time to heal, but hang in there, I still think this relationship can be saved. I know that is pride is bruised and his trust is a zero right now, but he won't win in a divorce either. Even if he wins 50/50 custody, he still will be without them 50% of the time. Don't give up hope yet.

 

Yeah I was played no doubt about that he got what he wanted from me.Yeah I know for a fact he did it once before. I got wonder if there weren’t more affairs and If I just wasn’t another one . Who knows how many times he has done it and he probably doesn’t even care. It does piss me off he might come out ofthis completely clean.

 

He does have abandonment and commitment issues and it cause a few issues in the beginning of our marriage. We went to marriage counseling and it did help a great deal. He alsodid a few sessions of individual counseling and it help me a great deal also. After counseling and a few good talks it never really became a problem till now. He is somewhat of a workaholic but he always made time for us so it was never a real problem.He actually has a great deal of self-worth and is an extremely confident person.I always found that strange. You would think he would suffer low self-steam andself-worth. No one ever wins in a divorce.

 

Everyone loses something and itworse than there are kids involved.

[Sofie2013]

As above. Do NOT give up hope. You have some serious work ahead of you and no dobt some setbacks, but if there's a chance ther is definitely a way.

It will be a testing 6 months ahead now.

 

I don’t plan on giving up anytime soon. I don’t know but I feel really positive this morning. I know he will need a few months to himself and I’m more than willing to give all the time he needs.

[Debanked]

Prayers to you and your family. Especially for the kids. Stay strong.

[troubadour]

Yeah I was played no doubt about that he got what he wanted from me.Yeah I know for a fact he did it once before. I got wonder if there weren’t more affairs and If I just wasn’t another one . Who knows how many times he has done it and he probably doesn’t even care. It does piss me off he might come out ofthis completely clean.

 

 

Don't play a victim, Sophie. You knew what you were getting yourself into and most likely you would be still doing it if the affair wasn't discovered by your husband. You were so entilted and selfish that you didn't care about hurting your husband, your friend, or even your children.... it was all about getting your "pleasures" with xMM.

[Coolit]

Don't play a victim, Sophie. You knew what you were getting yourself into and most likely you would be still doing it if the affair wasn't discovered by your husband. You were so entilted and selfish that you didn't care about hurting your husband, your friend, or even your children.... it was all about getting your "pleasures" with xMM.

 

It really is hard. because anything negative said about the AP is taken as blameshifting but if you don't say anything negative you are protecting them.

[Sofie2013]

Wow. Well my transfer to another office is a no go. My boss just called me down to his office and informed me my request was turned down. I asked why he really didn’t give me an answer. I don’t know what to do now obviously I have to look for another job. Do I wait till I find a new one or do I just quiet.I swear I just can’t catch a break. Everything was going ok and I was feeling alright for the first time in a long time and now this. FML

[Sofie2013]

Don't play a victim, Sophie. You knew what you were getting yourself into and most likely you would be still doing it if the affair wasn't discovered by your husband. You were so entilted and selfish that you didn't care about hurting your husband, your friend, or even your children.... it was all about getting your "pleasures" with xMM.

 

I’m not playing victim I know I am just as wrong as he is. That still doesn’t change the fact that I was played. He knew what he was doing, he ran his game and I was the stupid one who fell for it now I have to pick up the piece awhile he continues to do whatever he wants.

[Coolit]

Wow. Well my transfer to another office is a no go. My boss just called me down to his office and informed me my request was turned down. I asked why he really didn’t give me an answer. I don’t know what to do now obviously I have to look for another job. Do I wait till I find a new one or do I just quiet.I swear I just can’t catch a break. Everything was going ok and I was feeling alright for the first time in a long time and now this. FML

 

In your case I'd suggest not quitting until you line up a new job. The the BS should weigh in.

 

The reason being, quitting can be twisted to you looking for alimony. Even if ou say no remember your words mean nothing but your actions everything.

 

Actively start seeking a new job. And keep on keeping on

[janedoe67]

Wow. Well my transfer to another office is a no go. My boss just called me down to his office and informed me my request was turned down. I asked why he really didn’t give me an answer. I don’t know what to do now obviously I have to look for another job. Do I wait till I find a new one or do I just quiet.I swear I just can’t catch a break. Everything was going ok and I was feeling alright for the first time in a long time and now this. FML

 

 

I am so sorry.

 

Honestly, I think my next step would be to maybe think about drafting an official letter asking him to reconsider and be completely clear about the reason why? Many employers don't want to ignore a situation when it becomes clear that sexual harassment may come into play (not that I would ever play that card), and if you make it clear that you are asking to get away from OM and why it might change his mind.

 

And yes, start searching today. I know many people would say quite this instant, but I have been in enough "not enough money to survive" instances that I am always afraid to advise that.

[HopingAgain]

Wow. Well my transfer to another office is a no go. My boss just called me down to his office and informed me my request was turned down. I asked why he really didn’t give me an answer. I don’t know what to do now obviously I have to look for another job. Do I wait till I find a new one or do I just quiet.I swear I just can’t catch a break. Everything was going ok and I was feeling alright for the first time in a long time and now this. FML

 

I'M sorry, Sofie.

 

This may be a blessing in disguise. A way to really cut alkl possible ties and associations with your AP. It may be best to give a few weeks notice and quit. Its going to be an incredibly tense and hostile work environment working with your AP who now knows you've told his wife, and his wife your former friend who no doubt is reeling from the revelation last night and who may seek retribution against you. Your husband will think you're more sincere too if you quit now.

[Sofie2013]

Quitting is most likely the best move. The money thing doesscare me. I do have money in a saving account not much. I was never I big saverI always paid my own expenses but I never really ever paid anything else. SinceI’m most likely going to be on my own for a while and not having good source offunds and job is not a good mix

[Misfortune]

I think you should keep your job until you find a new one. You have lawyers, a possible divorce and possibly being on your own to manage. I believe that quoting instantly is only appropriate when there's definite recon and the family can survive on 1 job until ws gets another. Act as if you're living on your own, take care of yourself and your kids.

 

I would only quit for recon or if the work environment is 2 hostile. I would be messing up my future for someone who doesn't want me anymore. Yea, you cheated but it doesn't mean you have ruin your life over it.

[drifter777]

In your case I'd suggest not quitting until you line up a new job. The the BS should weigh in. ...

Unless I missed a major development, her BH wouldn't care one way or another. He's in "we're over" mode and Sofie2013 isn't ready to accept it.

[Sofie2013]

I am going to have to keep my job for now any way. I’m goingto work on updating my resume over the weekend and hopefully send a few of them out. I can’t understand why my transfer was turned down. They had an opening in my position and I was on speaking terms with the person who is in charge of that department and it's not like they need me here I could be replaced with someone here in the office in a few days if they wanted to.