He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[samsungxoxo]

the fact that he's a lawyer means you're probably really screwed, and rightly so.

I agree. It sounds like her OP's husband has it all in his power and status to really screw her if he wants to. She's now pretty much at his mercy.

 

It's one thing to be selfish and cheat but to cheat on a lawyer (unless the woman has a high profession too) has got to be the worst mistake ever.

[BetrayedH]

sorry Sofie, having gone through this myself, my only wish is that my ex-wife wraps her car around a telephone pole sooner than later.

 

cheating on your spouse is probably the most despicable thing a person can do. he probably played a role in how you felt driven to do what you did, but when two people argue and one shoots the other one in the head, the person who pulled the trigger isn't 50% guilty of murder. it is 100% their fault.

 

the fact that he's a lawyer means you're probably really screwed, and rightly so.

 

I'm sure this was very helpful.

[samsungxoxo]

Though I believe the OP is remorseful, I also think there is some fear within her in regards to the case her husband might present against her and the fact that he might leave nothing for her, drying her up of everything. I believe that might play some role in the OP's desperation of trying to save the marriage.

[Sofie2013]

Assuming he knew about your affair while it was going on, even before the 3am call to the hotel room:

 

1. How were you treating him while the affair was going on and he knew about it?

 

2. How did your behavior change after you knew he must know (i.e., after the 3am call to the hotel room)?

 

3. How was your marriage before the affair? Boring? Routine? Roommates? No complaints? How was the romantic/sexual aspect of it?

 

4. Why do you think he proceeded to divorce without even a thought of reconciling? I can't help but think that your behavior that he observed AFTER he knew you were in the affair but before you brought it up had something with him deciding to proceed to divorce without even the thought of reconciliation.

 

5. Is it possible he was unhappy in the marriage even before the affair?

 

6. What would have been his biggest complaints about you, pre-affair?

 

When I confronted my wife and she turned into a crying, snot-blowing mess and agreed to whatever I asked, I took that as a positive sign and it helped me decide to reconcile.

 

 

1. Well I wasn’t paying him the attention I normally would have. At the time I didn’t realize but he started distancing himself from me for a while. There were a sign I should of seen and should of known something was wrong nut I was in my own lala land. So in short I did neglect him

 

2. I went into damage control. I stared reading books and finds ways to fix this mess. I also tried to cut all ties to the mm which I have done and would have been compete if I got my transfer I asked for.

 

3. Before we were sin a rut you could say. We weren’t spending as much time as we usually would. He stared working longer hours coming home later. I would say we were completely roommates and still had an ok sex life. Sex didn’t really stop until around July.

 

4. I don’t think it’s so much the way I treated him as it was the actual betray.

 

5. I don’t think he was unhappy. Know there were thing I no longer did for him in the bed room that he wished I still did. It had nothing to do with him it was more me.

 

6. I don’t really know what his biggest complaint would be. We would have to ask him that question. It could be the bedroom again but I don’t know how much it really bothered him

[Sofie2013]

Though I believe the OP is remorseful, I also think there is some fear within her in regards to the case her husband might present against her and the fact that he might leave nothing for her, drying her up of everything. I believe that might play some role in the OP's desperation of trying to save the marriage.

 

Not really. I don’t really care for anything he could do to financially. I have a good career so I could make it all back. I would have to cut back on my lifestyle. The main reason I want this is marriage is because I want my husband I don’t want to lose if.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

4. I don’t think it’s so much the way I treated him as it was the actual betray.

 

What I'm talking about is not that your treatment of him was so bad - you didn't yell at him, abuse him, mistreat him, per se, other than the affair - but rather that as he was feeling the crushing pain of knowing you were betraying him, you were acting rather normally, as if no affair was going on, unaffected, indifferent, even before he knew that you knew that he knew. Once he called the hotel room and knew that you were cheating on him, again, nothing from you but somewhat normal behavior for another month.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

5. I don’t think he was unhappy. Know there were thing I no longer did for him in the bed room that he wished I still did. It had nothing to do with him it was more me.

 

6. I don’t really know what his biggest complaint would be. We would have to ask him that question. It could be the bedroom again but I don’t know how much it really bothered him

 

Do you think your husband believes you did these things with other man?

[Sofie2013]

Ok I wanted to post this before but I got caught up in reading and answering other post and question.

 

Tomorrow my kids have their first soccer game and I knew they were going need new pair cleats and pick up their new uniform. I thought my husband was just going to take them himself and I was ok with right before they were going one of them runs up and ask if I was coming with to mall. I decided to get dressed and to go with. At first I could tell he was exactly happiest person to see me but he did warm up to me. The 4 of us walked around the mall we even went into a restaurant that’s in the mall we all eat together. My husband even stared taking me given I was one conversation but he still went along. We even agreed to go to the kid’s game together tomorrow. So I took to day was a good day I know the kids played a big role why I was allowed to come. I still felt good to be able to talk to him and be around him and it give me a new sense of hope.

[Sofie2013]

Do you think your husband believes you did these things with other man?

 

 

I don’t know if he does or doesn’t, I hope he doesn’t because I didn’t do anything with mm that I haven’t done with him

[movingalongnicely]

i'd say hope for the best, but expect the worst at this point. like I said, I've been down this road and while he may forgive you, he will NEVER forget. it might drive him insane wondering what is really going on next time you're on a business trip or he might feel like you owe him one and he'll cheat on you.

 

however you slice it and regardless of what happens, your marriage is never going to be the same.

[petee]

I think this may be a start. He is in his weakest shape ever since he found out, so it is really really early days yet, and his paperwork is in....but this is a glimmer of hope. I'm so happy that you've seen it, but you must expect a rollercoaster in the months ahead, make no mistake. Fingers crossed though!

[road]

i'd say hope for the best, but expect the worst at this point. like I said, I've been down this road and while he may forgive you, he will NEVER forget. it might drive him insane wondering what is really going on next time you're on a business trip or he might feel like you owe him one and he'll cheat on you.

 

however you slice it and regardless of what happens, your marriage is never going to be the same.

 

 

They can make it better.

[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry to say it but I wouldn't read too much into your H being amiable around the kids. Whether he shows it or not, he's on a rollercoaster of emotions. The man is hurt and angry at you beyond comprehension but you are the mother of his children and he's going to put his emotions on the back burner while you're both around the kids. He has eleven more years of this before the kids leave the house. Even then, they just start getting married and having their own children. He has to learn how to be amiable around you for the sake of his kids. This was a practice run.

 

But it these experiences that will start to make it clear to him that as much as he wants to run from this situation, there's really no getting away. It may my motivate him to just go ahead and work on the marriage because never seeing you again isn't possible. It could also just make him more bitter.

 

I think that what the children are going to be told and how you are going to handle coparenting are your next major issues to discuss.

[petee]

I'm sorry to say it but I wouldn't read too much into your H being amiable around the kids. Whether he shows it or not, he's on a rollercoaster of emotions. The man is hurt and angry at you beyond comprehension but you are the mother of his children and he's going to put his emotions on the back burner while you're both around the kids. He has eleven more years of this before the kids leave the house. Even then, they just start getting married and having their own children. He has to learn how to be amiable around you for the sake of his kids. This was a practice run.

 

But it these experiences that will start to make it clear to him that as much as he wants to run from this situation, there's really no getting away. It may my motivate him to just go ahead and work on the marriage because never seeing you again isn't possible. It could also just make him more bitter.

 

I think that what the children are going to be told and how you are going to handle coparenting are your next major issues to discuss.

 

 

 

This is an excellent post, I hope you are proven wrong but I get it. I think are can all feel the absolute remorse and terror she faces. If I've learnt anything from life it's that with the odds stacked against you, the chips are down and there's no sun there's always a way, you've just to know that it could present itself in the most testing of ways. Chin up, however painful this is, it is not going to last forever.

Edited September 29, 2013 by petee

[William]

Moderation stopping by to remind members to remain focused on the thread starter's current issue and to refrain from speculative forensics, editorial comments and projection of their own issues upon the thread starter, especially trending to the hyperbolic. Feel free to include your own experiences, meaning the use of the word 'I', as long as they are relevant to the topic and consistent with our guidelines. A minor threadjack and some editorial comments were deleted. Thanks.

[Sofie2013]

What I'm talking about is not that your treatment of him was so bad - you didn't yell at him, abuse him, mistreat him, per se, other than the affair - but rather that as he was feeling the crushing pain of knowing you were betraying him, you were acting rather normally, as if no affair was going on, unaffected, indifferent, even before he knew that you knew that he knew. Once he called the hotel room and knew that you were cheating on him, again, nothing from you but somewhat normal behavior for another month.

 

 

I would agree with the first part. I did act like everything was fine. As I knew he knew I didn’t act like everything was fine because it wasn’t. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping I was a mess and I’m pretty sure he knew that. For the past month I was also reading and looking for ways to prevent what going to happen. Now I see that it was just another bad choice I should of told him the moment a came home but I didn’t and I made things worse for waiting so long to tell him.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I suspect he knew even before that phone call. How long before, I don't know.

 

In any event, putting myself in your husband's shoes, like I posted before, some groveling would be nice, as long as it is sincere, but the most important thing would be that you still are working at that job, for all he knows still talking to other man. As long as you go in to that job every day, the affair continues in your husband's mind. To him, he still does not know if you are choosing other man over him, no matter what you say. He has no faith in any words that you say, only actions will save your marriage. And there is absolutely no guarantee of that.

[Sofie2013]

I'm sorry to say it but I wouldn't read too much into your H being amiable around the kids. Whether he shows it or not, he's on a rollercoaster of emotions. The man is hurt and angry at you beyond comprehension but you are the mother of his children and he's going to put his emotions on the back burner while you're both around the kids. He has eleven more years of this before the kids leave the house. Even then, they just start getting married and having their own children. He has to learn how to be amiable around you for the sake of his kids. This was a practice run.

 

But it these experiences that will start to make it clear to him that as much as he wants to run from this situation, there's really no getting away. It may my motivate him to just go ahead and work on the marriage because never seeing you again isn't possible. It could also just make him more bitter.

 

I think that what the children are going to be told and how you are going to handle coparenting are your next major issues to discuss.

 

 

I might be reading a little too much into. He been so cold towards me for so long to have him even talk to felt good given it was mostly small talk and about the kids. It did give me a new sense of hope and that I could fix thing, it could take a while and I’m more than willing to wait. I know he has to be hurting and angry. I know I’m a mess, who knows how much he’s suffering and it even harder for me since he has no one he can talk to and even if he did he probably wouldn’t say anything be who he is.

 

Yes telling the kids is going to be hard and I don’t know how they will take it. Will they even understand? We haven’t discussed it yet so I don’t even know how I’m going handle it.

[Sofie2013]

I suspect he knew even before that phone call. How long before, I don't know.

 

In any event, putting myself in your husband's shoes, like I posted before, some groveling would be nice, as long as it is sincere, but the most important thing would be that you still are working at that job, for all he knows still talking to other man. As long as you go in to that job every day, the affair continues in your husband's mind. To him, he still does not know if you are choosing other man over him, no matter what you say. He has no faith in any words that you say, only actions will save your marriage. And there is absolutely no guarantee of that.

 

 

I will work on getting another job. I already finished updating my resume. I will start handing them out this week. I know he doesn’t believe anything I tell him and my words don’t mean anything to him. MY actions and showing are what’s truly important now.

[crederer]

K well you don't seem to want to take any advice people are offering, so why are you even here?

 

You are too cowardly to tell him what you're doing and in the same breath say that you hope he does care that you're having an affair (I'm assuming cause you want him to care enough about the marriage to care about the affair).

 

Just tell him. Jesus.

[road]

I would agree with the first part. I did act like everything was fine. As I knew he knew I didn’t act like everything was fine because it wasn’t. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping I was a mess and I’m pretty sure he knew that. For the past month I was also reading and looking for ways to prevent what going to happen. Now I see that it was just another bad choice I should of told him the moment a came home but I didn’t and I made things worse for waiting so long to tell him.

 

 

But you did not deny.

 

What is bad is that your marriage was not good.

 

Your BH calls your motel room at 4 am and the OM answers your phone. Then your BH does not react. Does not say anything. It makes for multiple red flags on your BH's part.

 

A BH does not let it slide when he calls up his wife who is in a motel and the OM answers the phone at any time of the day. Married women should not have any man in her room at any time.

 

Do not be surprised that your BH had his own side action going on.

 

Come on, what BH upon finding an OM sleeping with his WW in her motel bed at 4 am and does not respond to ask why is the OM in your bed asleep with you in motel room. Then after hearing a flimsy excuse what BH does not ask what were the OM and WW doing in WW's motel room before they fell asleep in WW's bed.

 

Something is not right here.

[BetrayedH]

But you did not deny.

 

What is bad is that your marriage was not good.

 

Your BH calls your motel room at 4 am and the OM answers your phone. Then your BH does not react. Does not say anything. It makes for multiple red flags on your BH's part.

 

A BH does not let it slide when he calls up his wife who is in a motel and the OM answers the phone at any time of the day. Married women should not have any man in her room at any time.

 

Do not be surprised that your BH had his own side action going on.

 

Come on, what BH upon finding an OM sleeping with his WW in her motel bed at 4 am and does not respond to ask why is the OM in your bed asleep with you in motel room. Then after hearing a flimsy excuse what BH does not ask what were the OM and WW doing in WW's motel room before they fell asleep in WW's bed.

 

Something is not right here.

 

I don't know about that, Road. When I got confirmation that my wife was having an affair, I kept my mouth shut, arranged for a PI to trail her, and set up an appt with a family law attorney. Since he IS an attorney and a very deliberate person, I bet he was just getting his ducks in a row. By the time she finally said something, he had filed for divorce and made plans to be in his own place. If he had done nothing, I would probably agree with you. In this case, I just don't think he shared his plans with her (mostly out of vengeance - wanting her to have the same shock from receiving divorce papers as he had from that phone call). It might be a sign of softening that he gave that up, or he may just have realized that vengeance isn't a good long term strategy when he'll have to coparent.

[Sofie2013]

But you did not deny.

 

What is bad is that your marriage was not good.

 

Your BH calls your motel room at 4 am and the OM answers your phone. Then your BH does not react. Does not say anything. It makes for multiple red flags on your BH's part.

 

A BH does not let it slide when he calls up his wife who is in a motel and the OM answers the phone at any time of the day. Married women should not have any man in her room at any time.

 

Do not be surprised that your BH had his own side action going on.

 

Come on, what BH upon finding an OM sleeping with his WW in her motel bed at 4 am and does not respond to ask why is the OM in your bed asleep with you in motel room. Then after hearing a flimsy excuse what BH does not ask what were the OM and WW doing in WW's motel room before they fell asleep in WW's bed.

 

Something is not right here.

 

What have a denied?

 

My husband doesn’t have anything on the side. I don’t know why my husband didn’t do anything but if I had to guess he knew way before that phone call. He was just playing dumb and waiting till he had everything read to make his move. It also not like I was leaving home at the mid of the night to go hook up with mm. each time we did hook up it was way from home and on a business trips.

[Sofie2013]

K well you don't seem to want to take any advice people are offering, so why are you even here?

 

You are too cowardly to tell him what you're doing and in the same breath say that you hope he does care that you're having an affair (I'm assuming cause you want him to care enough about the marriage to care about the affair).

 

Just tell him. Jesus.

I have taken close to all the advice that has been given. I already told him. Have read all my post because I don’t think you have

[Sofie2013]

Well today I was official served with divorce today. I was at work when I was served; it hit me very hard a lot harder than I thought it would.I knew it was coming so I kind of tried to prepare myself it didn’t really workt hat well. I end up leaving my office for a while and went to my car and cried a bit. I took it all in this is really happening. I do have another appointment with my lawyer at 12:45. So yeah I was officially served today