Chi townD Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Is he trying to screw you in the divorce? I have a feeling that your BH isn't done yet. Something isn't sitting right with this situation with me. I have a feeling that something else is coming. Could be paranoid, but my gut is telling me something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Yeah, probably what's coming next is OM losing his job. He probably has something special planned for him as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 OP, thanks for the update and I hope your meeting with your lawyer goes well. If I could offer any advice at this time, it would be to carefully consider any decisions made at this early stage, especially when formulating your response to the court. Think everything through and try to keep a positive perspective on events as they unfold. So far, your H has acted very deliberately; perhaps that's a positive sign but I would recommend covering relevant 'Plan B' scenarios with your lawyer. I personally found such conversations to have a calming effect. Hope for the best and plan for the rest. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Some men can not get over the cheating. It is a deal breaker for them. I do not know if your husband can get over this or not. If your husband had been cheating on you, would you be able to get over the pain? He has filed for divorce, but sometimes things can change. You can still try to talk to him and tell him of your actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Some men can not get over the cheating. It is a deal breaker for them. I do not know if your husband can get over this or not. If your husband had been cheating on you, would you be able to get over the pain? He has filed for divorce, but sometimes things can change. You can still try to talk to him and tell him of your actions. Getting out of that job is the next big hurdle. As always in these situations, actions will speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Sorry to hear the news but it is not really over until it is really over. You seem like a very bright and intelligent women. Surely you understood the possibility and risk of how all of this would play out once you began your affair. It is so sad now that you realized it was all for nothing. This is something I always keep in my head which is if I am unsure about something I ask myself how would I feel if my partner was thinking of doing the same thing to me? I believe this may help you in the future. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 Well my meeting with my lawyer went well. She told me to play nice and stay clam which I planned to do from the beginning. She warned me to be extremely careful. We went a few things and how to move forward. I told I didn’t want to do anything till I spoke to my husband. This could be tonight and sometime soon. Over all I went well. The only thing that did get me was a divorce in our state can take anywhere from 3 to 9 months but if my husband can prove adultery then the divorce could be over in less than 3 months. Which sucks because I thought I would of took longer and would give more time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 Is he trying to screw you in the divorce? I have a feeling that your BH isn't done yet. Something isn't sitting right with this situation with me. I have a feeling that something else is coming. Could be paranoid, but my gut is telling me something. Yeah my lawyer also thinks he’s going to go after me and the mm at work or he be using exposing as leverage in the divorce, So she give me few employment lawyer numbers that could if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Why would you want a divorce to last long? Wouldn't you want to get it over with sooner rather than drag it out? How would he use the infidelity as leverage? Did your lawyer tell you exactly what you stand to lose if he did? Because I don't believe it will gain him anything more than a quicker divorce. Maybe because she wants to buy some time to try to reconcile and redeem herself? Amazing as it may sound, there are some WS's who are actually redeemable and can scrape up some value as a human being if they work really hard. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 The only thing that did get me was a divorce in our state can take anywhere from 3 to 9 months but if my husband can prove adultery then the divorce could be over in less than 3 months. Which sucks because I thought I would of took longer and would give more time. OP, question: The grounds for divorce, in our state, are included in the FL100 (the initial filing) which is served upon one's spouse. California no longer has a fault pathway, so infidelity is moot but a state which allows fault filings should find those stipulated in the initial filing, otherwise the respondent cannot formulate a proper response to the court. Your posting, to me, appears unclear. Did H file for fault, specifically infidelity, or not? Typically, infidelity can become quite expensive to prove legally to the satisfaction of the court so, unless there's a huge smoking gun that can be presented to the court legally, it's an uphill battle for the petitioner. As an example, if he has a recording of the OM answering the hotel phone and handing it to you, that could be damaging, presuming he could legally record the conversation in your state without your or the OM's consent. Etc, Etc. Also, three months is an exceedingly short time to mount a fault case, present it to the court/respondent and get it settled out or adjudicated. I doubt your case will resolve in a timeframe anywhere close to three months, unless everything runs like clockwork and your court doesn't have a busy docket. It's easy for the mind to race. Sounds like your lawyer gave good advice, to be careful. One day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverTainted Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I have followed your story, Sophie, and all I can say is I hope that even if the divorce goes through your husband will be able to give you another chance. But trust me when I say. Second chances don't make the demons go away. They just make them different. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Well my meeting with my lawyer went well. She told me to play nice and stay clam which I planned to do from the beginning. She warned me to be extremely careful. We went a few things and how to move forward. I told I didn’t want to do anything till I spoke to my husband. This could be tonight and sometime soon. Over all I went well. The only thing that did get me was a divorce in our state can take anywhere from 3 to 9 months but if my husband can prove adultery then the divorce could be over in less than 3 months. Which sucks because I thought I would of took longer and would give more time. Why should he have to prove it? Are you going to deny it? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 This is such a stupid question. Like people never make poor decisions and then change there mind about ANYTHING. It is are God given right to change our minds. The OP got caught up in what is very exciting and fun while it lasts. Things take a back seat. It is a terrible thing to do. But lots and lots of people do it and of course you will neer get caught! What someone doesn't know can't hurt them. And then you get caught and you are forced to wake up and face the nightmere your selfishness and lust got you. So yeah, lots of people risk things that are important because they don't see the reality of it. I was just passed in a very dangerous way on the highway today. Had those adults crashed you would ask them "did you not value life enough to wait 2 klm for the passing lane? There answer just might be "i thought I'd get away with it" So yes the OP chose to devalue her marriage when she cheated. That doesn't mean now when faced with the reality of losing it she isn't feeling what she lost. Thanks again to you Coolit for your perspective. As a BS I appreciate the repentant WS perspective. Aways. But this one especially. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I have taken close to all the advice that has been given. I already told him. Have read all my post because I don’t think you have Have you gotten the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley? That is the best thing you can get for you and your BH. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Why would you want a divorce to last long? Wouldn't you want to get it over with sooner rather than drag it out? When one spouse wants to recover their marriage time is their best tool. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Sophie, are you trying to imply that you didn't know that you were being played by your xMM? Yes, you were played.... but it happend because you wanted it to happen. Actually, being played by your xMM was making you feel so good that you didn't care much about "being played" factor as long as you were getting your "pleasures". Now, that your sexcapades with xMM are over and the price to pay for them may be very steep.... you are bitter and blaming him for being a heartless player who ruined your life. Sophie, you are an adult. You are fully responsible for your affair and the damage it has caused to your family and friend.... your xMM was just an accomplice in crime. If you are familiar with how other addictions play out you would know that there is a difference between a dealer and a pusher. The x MM sounds like a pusher/predator to me. I think your best shot of winning him back is actually after the two of you divorce. I think if you don't date anyone for a while (couple of years) and constantly show him that you are truly sorry, take nothing from him, and always be there for him you may have a chance of getting your family back. This could be true. I divorced my WS. Now I am giving WS a chance to show me that without the benefits of marriage, is WS still remorseful? Does WS prefer me or AP? Divorce as a tool to tell the truth of a WS feelings may be very useful. I'd advise the OP to not resist. Don't roll over and take a bad deal but let the D happen. Then prove that she wants to recon after the D. Be patient. Be hopeful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 Why would you want a divorce to last long? Wouldn't you want to get it over with sooner rather than drag it out? How would he use the infidelity as leverage? Did your lawyer tell you exactly what you stand to lose if he did? Because I don't believe it will gain him anything more than a quicker divorce. The main reason why I would like the divorce to last a little longer is simple. I have a theory my husband is probably going to move in with his brother and the only problem with that is his brother is a notorious player and bachelor I don’t really have a problem with either but if my husband starts acting similar then saving my marriage becomes mission impossible and o also believe he won’t do anything till the divorce is final I wouldn’t lose anything really he would be able to keep everything he wants. She also believes my husband is going to try to scare me in to settling and keep it out of the courts which would give him a quicker divorce Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 OP, question: The grounds for divorce, in our state, are included in the FL100 (the initial filing) which is served upon one's spouse. California no longer has a fault pathway, so infidelity is moot but a state which allows fault filings should find those stipulated in the initial filing, otherwise the respondent cannot formulate a proper response to the court. Your posting, to me, appears unclear. Did H file for fault, specifically infidelity, or not? Typically, infidelity can become quite expensive to prove legally to the satisfaction of the court so, unless there's a huge smoking gun that can be presented to the court legally, it's an uphill battle for the petitioner. As an example, if he has a recording of the OM answering the hotel phone and handing it to you, that could be damaging, presuming he could legally record the conversation in your state without your or the OM's consent. Etc, Etc. Also, three months is an exceedingly short time to mount a fault case, present it to the court/respondent and get it settled out or adjudicated. I doubt your case will resolve in a timeframe anywhere close to three months, unless everything runs like clockwork and your court doesn't have a busy docket. It's easy for the mind to race. Sounds like your lawyer gave good advice, to be careful. One day at a time. He filed under adultery and my lawyer believes he does have some form of direct proof or a third party witness if he didn’t he wouldn’t even try it. The only question my lawyer has just how much proof does he have. That’s she told me to be extreme carful and to play nice. She also believes the fact that he is a lawyer in a big firm would help the divorce move faster than it normally would. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 Have you gotten the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley? That is the best thing you can get for you and your BH. Yeah I stared to read it myself and I’m almost finished. A very good book with great in sight Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 He filed under adultery and my lawyer believes he does have some form of direct proof or a third party witness if he didn’t he wouldn’t even try it... if you handed him a handwritten timeline --- seems like proof to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 He filed under adultery and my lawyer believes he does have some form of direct proof or a third party witness if he didn’t he wouldn’t even try it. The only question my lawyer has just how much proof does he have. That’s she told me to be extreme carful and to play nice. She also believes the fact that he is a lawyer in a big firm would help the divorce move faster than it normally would. Here's some sound advice I received in regards to such matters.....pick one thing you want out of this and make that your goal. Focus your energies and your lawyer's time and skills on that goal. Work out scenarios to achieve that goal, whether the lawsuit proceeds to dissolution or not. Accept that other desires may be eroded by focus on the goal. Choose carefully. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 If he stumbles across this thread, it might be all the "proof" he needs if he can prove that the OP is his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Sofie My heart goes out to you, your children and especially your husband. If you truly love him then tell him. Tell him today, tomorrow and even after the divorce. Be honest with him and help him through his pain. Be fair in the Divorce. Relationships don't always end after a divorce. Especially with children involved. Prove your love and commitment to him by your actions. Not just now but through the divorce and after. So what if he dates after the divorce. He probably will do anything to try to forget you, to lose his love for you. Do not let him. Be the best darn wife, mother and woman that you were supposed to be. Be respectful of his wishes but at the same time do not let him railroad you into anything that is not fair. I have two good friends that divorced their spouses after infidelity. They are now dating their wives again because their wives did not give up after the divorces. One couple is quite serious and is helping her husband reclaim all that was lost. The choice is his to divorce you but the choice is yours to still love him, your family and your marriage. Good Luck HM64 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 if you handed him a handwritten timeline --- seems like proof to me. Precisely. From the beginning of this, Sophie had a choice to either protect herself or throw herself on her husband's mercy. She chose to disclose, provide a timeline, and confess to the OMW. Personally, I hope she continues to make similar choices. Take ownership and accountability for the affair in every sense. Make a good case for 50/50 custody (she can fight tooth and nail for this, if necessary, as infidelity will likely not be a factor at all and she's not danger to the children). Follow state guidelines for child support. Decline to receive alimony. Pay what is ordered by the court if it comes to that (I would bet it will be a nominal amount, if anything). In the meantime, find another job (like yesterday). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 if you handed him a handwritten timeline --- seems like proof to me. I don’t think he would be able to use the timeline. I don’t even know if he read it let alonestill have it. Link to post Share on other sites
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