Betrayed&Stayed Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 You cannot "help" him with this - it's his cross to bear and you put it on his shoulders. For me, the images and triggers have diminished over time but will never be gone. My wife has asked me many times what she can do to help me with this and I always tell her the same thing; "undo what you did". That is impossible - as is the idea that you can help your BH to "get rid of those images and triggers". I agree 100%. For me it took over 3 years before I could have sex with my wife without mind movies creeping in. I'm 5.5 years past d-day and they still pop up from time to time during sex. For the first year I had to close my eyes every time my wife undresed in front of me. That was a huge trigger as I envisioned her undressing in front of the OM. I figure that they will always be there, but over time I'm able to push them out quicker. Of course, there are the daily triggers and reminders. The usual daily triggers are mild. It's something that a person cannot forget. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I agree 100%. For me it took over 3 years before I could have sex with my wife without mind movies creeping in. I'm 5.5 years past d-day and they still pop up from time to time during sex. For the first year I had to close my eyes every time my wife undresed in front of me. That was a huge trigger as I envisioned her undressing in front of the OM. I figure that they will always be there, but over time I'm able to push them out quicker. Of course, there are the daily triggers and reminders. The usual daily triggers are mild. It's something that a person cannot forget. They say 2-5 years for reconciliation and this is a major reason why. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 They say 2-5 years for reconciliation and this is a major reason why. Sorry for the thread-jack, but a question I always have when someone quotes this time-frame is "what is the definition of reconciliation?" I mean, if reconciliation is a "condition" that can be measured within "2 - 5" years then how does one determine that a couple got there or not? It's not a rhetorical question, I legitimately wonder how the psychology world defines the term crisply enough so it can be measured in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Sorry for the thread-jack, but a question I always have when someone quotes this time-frame is "what is the definition of reconciliation?" I mean, if reconciliation is a "condition" that can be measured within "2 - 5" years then how does one determine that a couple got there or not? It's not a rhetorical question, I legitimately wonder how the psychology world defines the term crisply enough so it can be measured in time. Oddly enough, I was kind of wondering the same thing while typing it. While I think a lot of BSs seem to turn a corner during that time frame, I'm sure that it's more of an ongoing process than a destination. Personally, I still quote the 2-5 years simply because many of us had hopes of being "over it" within a few months (both BSs and WSs). The reality is that it's a multi-year (if not a lifetime) effort. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Sorry for the thread-jack, but a question I always have when someone quotes this time-frame is "what is the definition of reconciliation?" I mean, if reconciliation is a "condition" that can be measured within "2 - 5" years then how does one determine that a couple got there or not? It's not a rhetorical question, I legitimately wonder how the psychology world defines the term crisply enough so it can be measured in time. The damage has been repaired. Trust has been repaired. It never will be back to the level it was pre dday but the BS will not feel the need to constantly check for NC being broken. The whole truth has been told. The BS and WS learn how to have a healthy relationship. They learn how to meet each others needs. They learn how to protect the marriage and stop harmful things such as independent behavior, opposite sex friends. Triggers have faded and if they reappear they disappear just as fast as they were recalled. The WS and the BS live transparent no secrets, no locked phones, no hidden passwords or email accounts. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. For a start. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 Sofie Why do you want to save your marriage if having an affair was enough reason to destroy it? So Infidelity isn’t a good reason to get a divorce anymore Even if my marriage dose end it doesn’t mean the relationship has to end. It’s not so much I want my marriage. I just want him I would be more than happy being divorce but still having him as my partner. Even if we do divorce I still plan to fight for this relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 The damage has been repaired. Trust has been repaired. It never will be back to the level it was pre dday but the BS will not feel the need to constantly check for NC being broken. The whole truth has been told. The BS and WS learn how to have a healthy relationship. They learn how to meet each others needs. They learn how to protect the marriage and stop harmful things such as independent behavior, opposite sex friends. Triggers have faded and if they reappear they disappear just as fast as they were recalled. The WS and the BS live transparent no secrets, no locked phones, no hidden passwords or email accounts. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. For a start. Hmm. Props for giving a direct answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 So Infidelity isn’t a good reason to get a divorce anymore Even if my marriage dose end it doesn’t mean the relationship has to end. It’s not so much I want my marriage. I just want him I would be more than happy being divorce but still having him as my partner. Even if we do divorce I still plan to fight for this relationship. I don't think you understood my question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 Sadly, there's no silver bullet. The best answer I know is displaying consistent actions over time. As the previous poster mentioned, some want to know every but of detail about what you did and what you liked. It's a sort of self-assessment. As painful as it might be, the most critical thing is for you to be consistently honest so that he can believe you and come to grips with reality. Others don't want any detail because they know they will trigger. Let your husband be the judge. Otherwise, work on replacing the thoughts and memories of OM with new ones with your H. Many reconciling couples will reclaim dates, places, and such with new experiences that are their own. But honestly, if your H starts to forgive, this will be his biggest struggle (other than trust) and it doesn't go away quickly. When I was "with" my wife after Dday, I pretty much always envisioned the OM in our bed, coaching me in what she liked and what she didn't. Frankly, it was awful. If it's true that you didn't experiment with the OM (in ways that you didn't with your H), it may be a little easier on him. But the reality is that you liked it or you wouldn't have gone back for more. It's a very difficult reality for a BH to accept. If my husband does ask I won’t hide anything. The more I read it seems the trickle truth that a lot of people who have affairs do just kills any chance that there is to have any chance of reconciliation. Your right my husband will have to decided how much he wants to know and it will be my job to tell him. Sorry for what you had to go through. I can’t imagine how something like that most feel. When I first read your post I kind of throw up in my mouth. It was another slap to the face and wake up call to the amount of damage I have caused. I was supposed to love, support and care for him yet here I am. I am the one that causing him so much pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 I don't think you understood my question. can you rephrase your question then 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 can you rephrase your question then Why do you want to save your marriage, or as you said your "relationship" with your husband if you chose to risk it by having an affair. If you only want your husband, why then did you throw him away for another man. I have to say, your husband will be thinking this, as I believe most betrayed spouses ask the same thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 I don’t know why but I find myself extremely turned on by the way my husband is handing this. It’s a serious turn on maybe I’m just a little weir. I’m so hot for him right now it. It might just be all these emotions talking. Has anyone ever experienced something like this or am I the only one.To all the doormats out there...please take note of what this woman is saying 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 If my husband does ask I won’t hide anything. The more I read it seems the trickle truth that a lot of people who have affairs do just kills any chance that there is to have any chance of reconciliation. Your right my husband will have to decided how much he wants to know and it will be my job to tell him. The trickle truth to me was the worse part of the process. To me it was her saying "you are so stupid I can just pull the wool over your eyes". TT is not saving his feelings, it is disrespecting him. BetrayedH is right, give him the details he requests, when he asks for them.....period. I think this relationship can be repaired, but it has to start with honesty and a desire that the relationship is more important to you, then your own desires. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 Why do you want to save your marriage, or as you said your "relationship" with your husband if you chose to risk it by having an affair. If you only want your husband, why then did you throw him away for another man. I have to say, your husband will be thinking this, as I believe most betrayed spouses ask the same thing. I already answered something similar before. I know I risked my marriage by having an affair but I never thought I would get caught and I was of the mindset "what you don't know, won't hurt you". Even then I never thought he would leave we been together for so long I thought we would always be together. I just wasn’t think straight. I never throw him away for the exmm. I never once thought about leaving my marriage. i got caught up in all the newness and excitement of the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 Well today a have my first of appointment IC. So I’m really looking forward to it. I will be back later to let you guys know how it goes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Well today a have my first of appointment IC. So I’m really looking forward to it. I will be back later to let you guys know how it goes It would be nice to have an update and I understand that you look forward to it - make the best of it. This is maybe a bit out of context, but I have question that I can't seem to find an anser to even when I re-skimmed the thread. This is absolutely not in any way meant to bash you or hurt you, but do you actually understand the damage your betrayal has done to your husband and your marriage? Have you really, really tried to put yourself in your husbands shoes had it been the other way around? If not, it could be helpfull if you tried that for a few hours while processing the affair from your husbands perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Every BH deserves the truth. i agree but that is not the issue. No BH is required to forgive his WW affair. i agree but that is not the issue. No way to not expect double and triple collateral damage when the WW bangs an OM who is a co worker, BH's friend, BH's relative, or WW's friends husband. OP was obviously unhappy. to lose everything (including her job) is a very high penalty for choosing a poor method of 'breaking up'. it is equally obvious the BH had already given up on the M long before this A. if there was any shred of hope a confrontation would have occurred upon OP coming home. too many times posters attempt to make their situation fit the OP. even in this thread it was 'hijacked' - twice. OP was given good advice if R was possible but in this case it was NOT. and that same advice is destroying her life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 I already answered something similar before. I know I risked my marriage by having an affair but I never thought I would get caught and I was of the mindset "what you don't know, won't hurt you". Even then I never thought he would leave we been together for so long I thought we would always be together. I just wasn’t think straight. I never throw him away for the exmm. I never once thought about leaving my marriage. i got caught up in all the newness and excitement of the affair. hmmm.... this erks me, while honest, did you even have any guilt? Coolit had a similar context but she was ready to climb out of her skin and popping pills like no other. "what you don't know, won't hurt you" is very crass, it makes me revisit just how long you would have gone without guilt and never been busted. There is a difference, you do not display that trapped mentality where at least some guilt is present. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Sophie, do you have kids with your BH. Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 i agree but that is not the issue. i agree but that is not the issue. OP was obviously unhappy. to lose everything (including her job) is a very high penalty for choosing a poor method of 'breaking up'. it is equally obvious the BH had already given up on the M long before this A. if there was any shred of hope a confrontation would have occurred upon OP coming home. too many times posters attempt to make their situation fit the OP. even in this thread it was 'hijacked' - twice. OP was given good advice if R was possible but in this case it was NOT. and that same advice is destroying her life. This statement is too general to be true. I am like her husband. I have begged, pleaded, sought counseling, sought advice on forums (including this one). I wanted a better marriage. I felt neglected and ignored. I considered an affair. I didn't but he did. I have hired a PI, a lawyer, seen a doctor and I plan to blow him(them) out of the water. I hadn't given up. I was tired, sliding away but was still there. Now that I, like OP husband, do not want to hear a thing my WS has to say. When I was trying was when I was listening and he was doing his thing with someone else. I have no plans to confront (things might change) and it says nothing about what I feel about my marriage or my WS. What is says is I will protect myself no matter what because it is clear that the WS is only about protecting themselves by lying and denying me my choices or ability to be happy with someone who truly loves me. I am not checked out. But I am mad as a hell and have no intention of giving either of them the upper hand in my life ever again. I suspect that the OP's husband is feeling similarly to this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 PeeksandValleys are you going to reconcile with your WS? Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 hmmm.... this erks me, while honest, did you even have any guilt? Coolit had a similar context but she was ready to climb out of her skin and popping pills like no other. "what you don't know, won't hurt you" is very crass, it makes me revisit just how long you would have gone without guilt and never been busted. There is a difference, you do not display that trapped mentality where at least some guilt is present. Actually, I think that Coolit's affair was very similar. It ended only because her xMM dumped her.... not because Coolit felt guilt and ended it. When the novelty aspect wore off her xMM decided that it wasn't worth the risk anymore and he started looking for a someone new to bang. If it were up to Coolit, it would be most likely still going on. And don't forget how reckless she was during her affair.... Sophie was at least discrete in her sexcapades. But I agree that Coolit seems more retrospective now about what she has done. Sophie isn't at this stage yet.... she may never get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 PeeksandValleys are you going to reconcile with your WS? No.............. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 PeeksandValleys are you going to reconcile with your WS?If you read the thread she just made here, she really wants to destroy her husband and dry him out. She sounds very pissed off. Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 If you read the thread she just made here, she really wants to destroy her husband and dry him out. She sounds very pissed off. Pissed off with a mission. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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