He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[ThorntonMelon]

Sofie I know you're getting a lot of good advice from people here on the things you have to do to save your marriage. And if that is what you want, I wish you all the best in saving it. I truly mean that.

 

However, I would say this to you to consider. Your husband is trying to destroy you right now. I don't blame him, he's pissed - but taking your private personal matter to your employer means he truly doesn't care what the fallout is to you or your family, he wants to destroy you. Think about it - a company of people now knows what happened, it wont stay confidential, those people know people - it gets back to your kids, friends, family, colleagues...and this wasn't done in a fit of rage it was done in a calculated manner.

 

Again, I don't blame him as he is obviously infuriated and doing what he needs to do - but if you don't protect yourself to some degree as best you can, i fear you will live to regret it later. Listen to your lawyer, do what they say, try and get advice from people with no agenda and no personal stake in what is going on.

 

You made a decision that may end your marriage and will change your relationships with many people forever. But that does not change your worth as a person and your need to be as strong as possible for your children and yourself in the future. Do not be destroyed. You can make amends to your husband if it is possible without turning yourself into a doormat. I truly hope you come out of this ok - I believe you are repentant and that is the best you can do right now - but keep your eyes open.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

If you read the thread she just made here, she really wants to destroy her husband and dry him out. She sounds very pissed off.

 

No, I haven't read it.

[samsungxoxo]

No, I haven't read it.

It's on:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/427568-next-up

[Sofie2013]

Well I just came back from counseling. We talked for about two hours it was good. She told I should make it more of an effort to talk to him. She said even though he might not say he doesn’t care but deep down he is curious and does want to know. So I plan to talk to him tonight or tomorrow and see how it goes. She made clear if I do say anything it has to be the truth and if it’s not I shouldn’t even bother. We talked a lot about your marriage pre affair and a little about the affair itself. I do plan to see her again next Tuesday and maybe a second time. Since I do have a lot of free time now

[Sofie2013]

Sophie, do you have kids with your BH.

 

Yes we have twins Boys seven years old. I wanted more but hubby was never on board

[Sofie2013]

It would be nice to have an update and I understand that you look forward to it - make the best of it.

 

This is maybe a bit out of context, but I have question that I can't seem to find an anser to even when I re-skimmed the thread. This is absolutely not in any way meant to bash you or hurt you, but do you actually understand the damage your betrayal has done to your husband and your marriage?

 

Have you really, really tried to put yourself in your husbands shoes had it been the other way around? If not, it could be helpfull if you tried that for a few hours while processing the affair from your husbands perspective.

 

 

I don’t think any WS can understand the amount of damage she or he causes. I think the pain that you feel as BS can only be felt as a BS. Only the BS in that situation will know just how much damage has been caused and since every situation is different the amount of pain and damage caused will also be different depending on the BS.

 

I have tried to put myself in his shoes. The thought of him doing what I do just crushes me but then again that only a glimpse of what he doing through. So unless I really go through it like he has I don’t think I will ever really know the amount of pain and damage I have really caused.

[Sofie2013]

hmmm.... this erks me, while honest, did you even have any guilt? Coolit had a similar context but she was ready to climb out of her skin and popping pills like no other. "what you don't know, won't hurt you" is very crass, it makes me revisit just how long you would have gone without guilt and never been busted. There is a difference, you do not display that trapped mentality where at least some guilt is present.

 

I did have a lot of guilty. After the first time the affair went physical I cried for weeks I couldn’t believe what I just did and I did feel extremely guilty .The thing about it was the guilty was the worse when I wasn’t around my exmm. When I was around the exmm for some reason the guilty would just leave and it would only be me and him and it wasn’t only when we had sex it was in everything we did. When WS say the affair is like a high its TRUE. I knew I shouldn’t have been texting or talking to him but I need to. When everything came full circle is when I realized how stupid I have been.

[Owl]

Sorry for the thread-jack, but a question I always have when someone quotes this time-frame is "what is the definition of reconciliation?" I mean, if reconciliation is a "condition" that can be measured within "2 - 5" years then how does one determine that a couple got there or not? It's not a rhetorical question, I legitimately wonder how the psychology world defines the term crisply enough so it can be measured in time.

 

Drifter, this is an excellent question. I started another thread on this topic based on your post here.

[atreides]

Actually, I think that Coolit's affair was very similar. It ended only because her xMM dumped her.... not because Coolit felt guilt and ended it. When the novelty aspect wore off her xMM decided that it wasn't worth the risk anymore and he started looking for a someone new to bang. If it were up to Coolit, it would be most likely still going on. And don't forget how reckless she was during her affair.... Sophie was at least discrete in her sexcapades.

 

But I agree that Coolit seems more retrospective now about what she has done. Sophie isn't at this stage yet.... she may never get there.

 

Really, i need to reread her story, i thought she was popping pills and ended it. That changes my thoughts when the A is not ended voluntarily as in coming to realization. I thought coolit confessed.

That is what is erking me with Sophie, that statement made me rethink a bit. No guilt

[road]

Sofie I know you're getting a lot of good advice from people here on the things you have to do to save your marriage. And if that is what you want, I wish you all the best in saving it. I truly mean that.

 

However, I would say this to you to consider. Your husband is trying to destroy you right now. I don't blame him, he's pissed - but taking your private personal matter to your employer means he truly doesn't care what the fallout is to you or your family, he wants to destroy you. Think about it - a company of people now knows what happened, it wont stay confidential, those people know people - it gets back to your kids, friends, family, colleagues...and this wasn't done in a fit of rage it was done in a calculated manner.

 

Again, I don't blame him as he is obviously infuriated and doing what he needs to do - but if you don't protect yourself to some degree as best you can, i fear you will live to regret it later. Listen to your lawyer, do what they say, try and get advice from people with no agenda and no personal stake in what is going on.

 

You made a decision that may end your marriage and will change your relationships with many people forever. But that does not change your worth as a person and your need to be as strong as possible for your children and yourself in the future. Do not be destroyed. You can make amends to your husband if it is possible without turning yourself into a doormat. I truly hope you come out of this ok - I believe you are repentant and that is the best you can do right now - but keep your eyes open.

 

Good luck.

 

 

It is not a private personal matter.

 

All affairs must be exposed.

 

All work place affairs must be exposed.

 

Proof that the company is dumping them both is because they have a policy against work place affairs.

 

The BH did not get them fired their actions and the way they behaved got them fired. They did not have to pay hide the salami, sausage, hot dog, kielbasa with a co worker.

[janedoe67]

It is not a private personal matter.

 

All affairs must be exposed.

 

All work place affairs must be exposed.

 

Proof that the company is dumping them both is because they have a policy against work place affairs.

 

The BH did not get them fired their actions and the way they behaved got them fired. They did not have to pay hide the salami, sausage, hot dog, kielbasa with a co worker.

 

Actually, one particular marriage guru believes that all affairs must be exposed, but even HE does not advocate the scorched earth, punishment oriented exposure posited by the more.....colorful members of his forum.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Actually, one particular marriage guru believes that all affairs must be exposed, but even HE does not advocate the scorched earth, punishment oriented exposure posited by the more.....colorful members of his forum.

 

 

I agree with not exposing to an employer in the cases that the affair was not work related. In this case, the employer was billed for business flights, meals, hotel rooms,time..in essence they funded it. It is then considered theft.

 

When two people decide to use their company's resources/time to engage/fund the affair, they assume the risk of losing their jobs.

[janedoe67]

I agree with not exposing to an employer in the cases that the affair was not work related. In this case, the employer was billed for business flights, meals, hotel rooms,time..in essence they funded it. It is then considered theft.

 

When two people decide to use their company's resources/time to engage/fund the affair, they assume the risk of losing their jobs.

 

THIS I completely agree with.

[ThorntonMelon]

It is not a private personal matter.

 

All affairs must be exposed.

 

All work place affairs must be exposed.

 

Proof that the company is dumping them both is because they have a policy against work place affairs.

 

The BH did not get them fired their actions and the way they behaved got them fired. They did not have to pay hide the salami, sausage, hot dog, kielbasa with a co worker.

 

Not worth arguing with you because your point of view is a valid one. But I disagree with your use of the word "must". Choices were made by all parties to take certain actions.

 

My point is simple - his actions are scorched earth. Good for him. I hope if faced with the same situation I'd have the strength that he did to take no prisoners. But she needs to acknowledge that's his approach, and that the sweet talking approach without carefully protecting herself may leave her in a weakened position to take care of her kids and herself in the future

 

After all, the adults in this situation are scarred for life. The kids can be protected as much as possible whether their parents stay together or divorce. From my perspective the two parents need to be focused on their own sanity and that of the kids.

 

Past that, can't argue the other points about the affair on work time and the like - I'll leave that to those of you more comfortable with those policies. I'm simply looking at what leaves this woman best able to continue to take care of her kids especially if she divorces and needs her income to support them.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Not worth arguing with you because your point of view is a valid one. But I disagree with your use of the word "must". Choices were made by all parties to take certain actions.

 

My point is simple - his actions are scorched earth. Good for him. I hope if faced with the same situation I'd have the strength that he did to take no prisoners. But she needs to acknowledge that's his approach, and that the sweet talking approach without carefully protecting herself may leave her in a weakened position to take care of her kids and herself in the future

 

After all, the adults in this situation are scarred for life. The kids can be protected as much as possible whether their parents stay together or divorce. From my perspective the two parents need to be focused on their own sanity and that of the kids.

 

Past that, can't argue the other points about the affair on work time and the like - I'll leave that to those of you more comfortable with those policies. I'm simply looking at what leaves this woman best able to continue to take care of her kids especially if she divorces and needs her income to support them.

 

 

My view is that her husband did not scorch her work environment, Sophie and the OM did.

 

Unless I missed a post that stated her husband was putting up posters around the neighbourhood, or contacting everyone in her phone, I don't see how "scorched earth" applies.

 

Sophie, very smartly I might add, already started updating her resume.

Edited October 3, 2013 by AlwaysGrowing

[road]

Actually, one particular marriage guru believes that all affairs must be exposed, but even HE does not advocate the scorched earth, punishment oriented exposure posited by the more.....colorful members of his forum.

 

Exposing a work place affair is not scorched earth in any way. The affair needed to be killed. NC needs to be in place.

 

Can not have NC when the WW and the OM still work for the same business.

[janedoe67]

Exposing a work place affair is not scorched earth in any way. The affair needed to be killed. NC needs to be in place.

 

Can not have NC when the WW and the OM still work for the same business.

 

True. When the A was conducted at work then work needs to be on the exposure list. When an A had nothing to do with work....exposing at the workplace is simply a vindictive act.

[road]

Not worth arguing with you because your point of view is a valid one. But I disagree with your use of the word "must". Choices were made by all parties to take certain actions.

 

My point is simple - his actions are scorched earth. Good for him. I hope if faced with the same situation I'd have the strength that he did to take no prisoners. But she needs to acknowledge that's his approach, and that the sweet talking approach without carefully protecting herself may leave her in a weakened position to take care of her kids and herself in the future

 

After all, the adults in this situation are scarred for life. The kids can be protected as much as possible whether their parents stay together or divorce. From my perspective the two parents need to be focused on their own sanity and that of the kids.

 

Past that, can't argue the other points about the affair on work time and the like - I'll leave that to those of you more comfortable with those policies. I'm simply looking at what leaves this woman best able to continue to take care of her kids especially if she divorces and needs her income to support them.

 

 

No matter how good the job was this WW and OM had the resume to get them.

 

They still have the resume to get another good job.

[lindsay1990]

I just spent my evening reading this entire thread and I can't believe it's over. I'm not trying to be morbid about the suspense or anything but I had huge realization from reading everybody's comments on this, especially the BSs.

 

Naively, I used to think perhaps how Sophie states that couples can make it through anything, and that when you are married you don't just throw in the towel over something like infidelity. I always assumed marriages that ended because of infidelity was more because the WS would actually go and leave with their AP. Embarrassingly enough, though I am old enough (at 25) and what brought me to Loveshack was a break-up (no infidelity), tonight I realized that love does not forgive everything. It doesn't have to, but most importantly, it sometimes just can't.

 

NO matter what the deal-breakers are, in this case infidelity, in my BU it was something else that did us in. I think I'm rambling but I just want to tell you all that reading your stories has shown me that real life has no take backs, and I think I always thought we all got second chances (I always asked for them and practically always gave them). I sound so naive I know, but... it's like a view into the grown up world and of how some consequences can never be undone and this has changed my life. I hope Fate never tests me like you all have been tested, though.

 

I have a lot of reflecting to do on many things I have read here.

 

Sophie: I admire you because it is never too late to the right thing. I have no advice except this and others are welcome to advise against it but if you love your husband, and only if, you have to tell him that. I read you here saying you want to save your marriage, want to keep your husband as a partner, etc. but I haven't read you say you LOVE HIM AND THERE IS NO OTHER MAN YOU COULD EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH LIKE HIM.

 

I think you are waaaaay behind in begging him like this. Appeal to his love, tell him you adore him and that you do not want to try and live without him. Tell him what you have told us, that even how he handled this has shown you the kind of man he is and that you were dumb in risking a man of his calibre for somebody worth the gum on his shoe. He will listen if only for ten minutes, if only while you chase him down the driveway. This is your husband, it is your family. If you love him, now is the time to show your desperation. Do NOT count on getting him back after a divorce, I can tell you that imho.

 

Idk. Everybody intervened so soundly and in such a grown up way that I am humbled by life and all I can say is Good Luck, may Fortune be with you after pulling out this integrity you didn't seem to have in your earlier posts. And back to the kiddie board with me just kidding!

Edited October 4, 2013 by lindsay1990

[beatcuff]

It is not a private personal matter.

 

All affairs must be exposed.

 

your agenda is clear --- your tunnel vision is mitigating any useful advice.

 

exhibit A: your post #509. my support OP FIRST POST and FIRST LINE. you never read the thread.

[Sofie2013]

I can tell your therapist is wrong about this. Depends on the person. Your H sounds like me. And if he is, trust me, he doesn't want to know. I suspect if he wanted to know, he'd ask you and wouldn't be so eager to get the divorce fast tracked.

 

But this depends on what your therapist thinks he wants to know. Are you talking about wanting to know details of your affair? What your thoughts are on the affair?

 

If so, and again IF your H is like me, he does not want to know. I didn't care about any details or explanations. My x-wife cheated and that was enough for me. Details didn't matter. All I know is I didn't want someone that cheated on me. End of story.

 

So I guess the question is, what is it your therapist thinks he deep down wants to know?

 

Well my therapist has worked with my husband before. It has been a few years ago since the last time the talked so she does know him. Also I didn’t mean to talk about details about the sexual aspects of the affair but more of the emotional side of the affair. She also believes he wants to ask questions but scared of what he might hear.

[Sofie2013]

I just spent my evening reading this entire thread and I can't believe it's over. I'm not trying to be morbid about the suspense or anything but I had huge realization from reading everybody's comments on this, especially the BSs.

 

Naively, I used to think perhaps how Sophie states that couples can make it through anything, and that when you are married you don't just throw in the towel over something like infidelity. I always assumed marriages that ended because of infidelity was more because the WS would actually go and leave with their AP. Embarrassingly enough, though I am old enough (at 25) and what brought me to Loveshack was a break-up (no infidelity), tonight I realized that love does not forgive everything. It doesn't have to, but most importantly, it sometimes just can't.

 

NO matter what the deal-breakers are, in this case infidelity, in my BU it was something else that did us in. I think I'm rambling but I just want to tell you all that reading your stories has shown me that real life has no take backs, and I think I always thought we all got second chances (I always asked for them and practically always gave them). I sound so naive I know, but... it's like a view into the grown up world and of how some consequences can never be undone and this has changed my life. I hope Fate never tests me like you all have been tested, though.

 

I have a lot of reflecting to do on many things I have read here.

 

Sophie: I admire you because it is never too late to the right thing. I have no advice except this and others are welcome to advise against it but if you love your husband, and only if, you have to tell him that. I read you here saying you want to save your marriage, want to keep your husband as a partner, etc. but I haven't read you say you LOVE HIM AND THERE IS NO OTHER MAN YOU COULD EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH LIKE HIM.

 

I think you are waaaaay behind in begging him like this. Appeal to his love, tell him you adore him and that you do not want to try and live without him. Tell him what you have told us, that even how he handled this has shown you the kind of man he is and that you were dumb in risking a man of his calibre for somebody worth the gum on his shoe. He will listen if only for ten minutes, if only while you chase him down the driveway. This is your husband, it is your family. If you love him, now is the time to show your desperation. Do NOT count on getting him back after a divorce, I can tell you that imho.

 

Idk. Everybody intervened so soundly and in such a grown up way that I am humbled by life and all I can say is Good Luck, may Fortune be with you after pulling out this integrity you didn't seem to have in your earlier posts. And back to the kiddie board with me just kidding!

 

Many posters have given great advice and have written very good posts but this one has to be one of the best. I read this your post a few times and I don’t really know how to respond. Hit really hit home and give me alot to think about. The last part of your post is what I really should be doing yet I haven’t done yet. Maybe it’s because I am scared of putting myself out there.At this point I don’t have choice I have to put myself out there and show him how a truly feel. I have to show him that I do love him and I do want to grow old with him.

[petee]

Sophie,

 

There are one of two pieces of advice which are less than helpful, possibly even venomous from people that have been hurt and are not able to give clear and coherent advice.

I suggest that you filter such rubbish and get on with saving your marriage, it is savable but it will take patience and working at.

 

Those that applaud you getting removed from your job 'for the sake of the company' show particularly narrow and vindictive views. Ignore them is my advice.

 

There are lovely caring people on this site that can empathise with you rather than despise you; use there pointers and advice without prejudice as they KNOW.

 

As gloomy as the horizon looks this, in time so be really patient, is going to work out.

 

Just please cherry pick from the advice given on here as there are some that are posting worthless and vindictive post to sooth their own hatred of life.

[BetrayedH]

Sophie,

 

There are one of two pieces of advice which are less than helpful, possibly even venomous from people that have been hurt and are not able to give clear and coherent advice.

I suggest that you filter such rubbish and get on with saving your marriage, it is savable but it will take patience and working at.

 

Those that applaud you getting removed from your job 'for the sake of the company' show particularly narrow and vindictive views. Ignore them is my advice.

 

There are lovely caring people on this site that can empathise with you rather than despise you; use there pointers and advice without prejudice as they KNOW.

 

As gloomy as the horizon looks this, in time so be really patient, is going to work out.

 

Just please cherry pick from the advice given on here as there are some that are posting worthless and vindictive post to sooth their own hatred of life.

 

I agree with much of this. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

 

I also think that time, patience, and diligent work on improving the relationship is the best path for your whole family, besides having the most potential for restoring your marriage.

 

I agree with the poster about begging forgiveness, and with your therapist about initiating conversations. (And I'm quietly hoping you find the courage to initiate sex, too).

[aliveagain]

Many posters have given great advice and have written very good posts but this one has to be one of the best. I read this your post a few times and I don’t really know how to respond. Hit really hit home and give me alot to think about. The last part of your post is what I really should be doing yet I haven’t done yet. Maybe it’s because I am scared of putting myself out there.At this point I don’t have choice I have to put myself out there and show him how a truly feel. I have to show him that I do love him and I do want to grow old with him.

 

There are no other chances, put yourself out there because it's all going away if you don't, there is no do over. What is confusing to me is why you are hesitant when dealing with your husband in regards to saving your marriage yet you entered an affair with so little hesitation? Put aside the pride, do anything it takes to save your family.