He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[HopingAgain]

Another possibility to consider though is that giving notice and quitting may be more preferable than the possibility of getting fired. There's no way to be sure yet that the MMs wife may not go to Human Resources and inform them of what's been happening on business trips. This may or may not result in termination but its possible and that could hurt possibilities of future employment.

[Sofie2013]

Unless I missed a major development, her BH wouldn't care one way or another. He's in "we're over" mode and Sofie2013 isn't ready to accept it.

 

I don’t think it would matter much to him at this point either.

[Sofie2013]

Another possibility to consider though is that giving notice and quitting may be more preferable than the possibility of getting fired. There's no way to be sure yet that the MMs wife may not go to Human Resources and inform them of what's been happening on business trips. This may or may not result in termination but its possible and that could hurt possibilities of future employment.

 

She could do something like this but she would be throwing her husband under the bus. I can’t see her doing something like to her husband. Then again who knows what she willing to do? I just can’t see it happening

[HopingAgain]

She could do something like this but she would be throwing her husband under the bus. I can’t see her doing something like to her husband. Then again who knows what she willing to do? I just can’t see it happening

 

Never underestimate the emotions of a BS! She may not want him to get fired but I wouldn't rule that possibilty out either.

[Coolit]

Unless I missed a major development, her BH wouldn't care one way or another. He's in "we're over" mode and Sofie2013 isn't ready to accept it.

 

I mean the bs on here. Not her husband.

[troubadour]

I’m not playing victim I know I am just as wrong as he is. That still doesn’t change the fact that I was played. He knew what he was doing, he ran his game and I was the stupid one who fell for it now I have to pick up the piece awhile he continues to do whatever he wants.

 

 

Sophie, are you trying to imply that you didn't know that you were being played by your xMM?

 

Man, who is married to your friend, is trying to get in your pants and you don't know that you were being played by him? If it was all so innocent then why did you feel that you couldn't tell your husband and your friend about it?

 

Yes, you were played.... but it happend because you wanted it to happen. Actually, being played by your xMM was making you feel so good that you didn't care much about "being played" factor as long as you were getting your "pleasures".

 

Now, that your sexcapades with xMM are over and the price to pay for them may be very steep.... you are bitter and blaming him for being a heartless player who ruined your life.

 

Sophie, you are an adult. You are fully responsible for your affair and the damage it has caused to your family and friend.... your xMM was just an accomplice in crime.

[Bryanp]

At least if you get fired then you could collect unemployment.

[troubadour]

It really is hard. because anything negative said about the AP is taken as blameshifting but if you don't say anything negative you are protecting them.

 

 

Coolit, we both know that post-affair lendscape is one of these "imposible to manage" situations.... regardless of what cheater does or say it is usually not good enough. Sad but true.

[underwater2010]

I am sorry you feel you lost a good friend, but you lost her when you screwed her husband. And don't think tht you got a pass. Being that he ha other affairs, she will tell your husband. I suggest you tell him before she does.

 

I commend you on coming clean. It takes a lot to step up before a dday.

 

Don't you feel like a load has been lifted off your shoulders?

[Journee]

I am sorry you feel you lost a good friend, but you lost her when you screwed her husband. And don't think tht you got a pass. Being that he ha other affairs, she will tell your husband. I suggest you tell him before she does.

 

I commend you on coming clean. It takes a lot to step up before a dday.

 

Don't you feel like a load has been lifted off your shoulders?

 

 

Under,

 

I'm under the impression that OP has already ' tried' to confess to her BS but that he is not really trying to hear it. He is in not responding to her attempts to reconcile. I think the fact that he was already aware of OM from the phone call to his wife's hotel room.. then OP not saying a word about it for a month or so may have put the nail in the coffin for BH.

[underwater2010]

Under,

 

I'm under the impression that OP has already ' tried' to confess to her BS but that he is not really trying to hear it. He is in not responding to her attempts to reconcile. I think the fact that he was already aware of OM from the phone call to his wife's hotel room.. then OP not saying a word about it for a month or so may have put the nail in the coffin for BH.

Tried is not the same as I was slept with my friends husband. There is no beating around the bush. There is just telling the truth 100%. She needs to go there. Not just hinting about what he might oright not know.

[atreides]

It really is hard. because anything negative said about the AP is taken as blameshifting but if you don't say anything negative you are protecting them.

 

I agree with troubadour in that, Sophie needs to own it all and to not simply use, "she got played" excuse.

Perhaps, nothing needs to be said about the AP, only how she can work on fixing the mess she created with her H. She has started doing all the right things, just needs to look forward from here.

[atreides]

In your case I'd suggest not quitting until you line up a new job. The the BS should weigh in.

 

The reason being, quitting can be twisted to you looking for alimony. Even if ou say no remember your words mean nothing but your actions everything.

 

Actively start seeking a new job. And keep on keeping on

 

great advise.

[road]

Wow. Well my transfer to another office is a no go. My boss just called me down to his office and informed me my request was turned down. I asked why he really didn’t give me an answer. I don’t know what to do now obviously I have to look for another job. Do I wait till I find a new one or do I just quiet.I swear I just can’t catch a break. Everything was going ok and I was feeling alright for the first time in a long time and now this. FML

 

 

They want to protect the OM and hope that you leave and they avoid any lawsuits for sexual harassment.

 

Now if the OM has a higher position then you it is time for you to consult an attorney that is a labor law specialist.

[Sofie2013]

Update.

 

My husband and I had a talk a few minutes ago. Before my husband could say anything I told I need to tell him something. He told he didn’t care and it didn’t matter. I said that’s fine but it does to me and I do care. So I told him everything from how it stared to how it need to the amount of time we had sex. I give him every last detail I could think of. I also handed him the letter I wrote him. We sat there for a few minutes I was trying to hold back my tears back. He was very stoic didn’t really show any emotion. After he stared to say what he wanted to say. He told he already filed for divorce and I should be getting served Monday or Tuesday and he would be moving out by the end of next week. He also asked if we could make a temporary custody argument for now. I asked him if we could do it tomorrow or another day. He asked I told him I need some time but the really reason was I was about to breakdown and I didn’t want to do it in front of him. I was scared might of took it the wrong way so I just went to my bedroom and let it all out.

 

I’m still in shock and like I don’t believe it’s happening or more so I don’t want to believe it. Part me feels good since I was able to let it all out and get it off my chest.

[atreides]

I am sorry... keep trying till the bitter end. Maybe he can come around... at least he sat with you and listened to what you had to say.

 

The ironic thing for me is that you are one of the very few i believe to be genuine in that you are sorry and want to fix things with your H; while he is immovable at the moment vs so many others to where their WS is a joke but they get forgiven.

 

You are doing the right things, keep looking forward. All the best.

[whichwayisup]

I think focus on you, work on you, do counseling and be a great mom to your kids and DO stay away from exMM.

 

Your H seems done so I am not going to tell you to not give up on him. He filed for divorce, he's serious and that's a man who isn't going to change his mind.

 

Working on you and bettering yourself will make it easier in the future, your H will respect the hard work you've done and it'll help you two get along and co parent together, and not have issues which will affect your kids.

[aliveagain]

Divorce takes time and can be stopped anytime up to the final decree, it's not over until it's over. What was his reaction to you exposing the O/M?

[petee]

The post above is spot on. He may well have filed for divorce, but then I see that as he's given himself the option for it. It can be stopped but I don't get why you held back the tears as it would be another undeniable clue that you are dvastated. If there is a chance of you two getting back together I reckon he needs to see that you truely are destroyed by your own actions and that you are totally miserable about it all.

Never give up hope, if there's a 1% chance then there's every chance.

[BetrayedH]

I agree with those that say divorces take time. Time and your remorse may soften him.

 

It's healthy for him to take these steps and it's what I would have advised him. Anything much short of this would have been cheap forgiveness. This is playing out as it should. There is no guarantee, of course. But that decision was made by you. Now he's the one that gets to make the decision. Give him that respect

[aliveagain]

The post above is spot on. He may well have filed for divorce, but then I see that as he's given himself the option for it. It can be stopped but I don't get why you held back the tears as it would be another undeniable clue that you are dvastated. If there is a chance of you two getting back together I reckon he needs to see that you truely are destroyed by your own actions and that you are totally miserable about it all.

Never give up hope, if there's a 1% chance then there's every chance.

 

This is fact, stop hiding the tears, he needs to see your true feelings and he's watching because everything else is just more lies to him. You will have to deal with the big white elephant that is still in the room, why you waited a month to tell him. Be honest with each other, the moment your lover passed the phone to you everyone knew for sure what was going on. I will say this to you as a betrayed spouse, one that lived that moment and is saying this to you not to hurt you but to give you your husbands take on things. For a man that may have abandonment issues what you just did to him equates to taking a 5 year old boy on a long ride to the beach and then leaving him there never to come back. The knife went into his back the moment O/M picked up your phone in your room in the middle of the night, all you have been doing until your confession the other day was twisting it over and over again. Tell him the truth, you were scared, tell him you ended things with O/M the moment you accepted the phone from him and all this time you were a coward and have finally pulled your head out of your ass because you want to save your marriage. He wants to see you on your knees with the mascara running, he won't believe anything less from you. F**k humility, beg.

Edited September 28, 2013 by aliveagain

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sofie, one day at a time, that's all you can do.

 

I know its hard to see/feel right now, but there have been many positive changes in your life already. You ended the affair. You self incriminated (huge by the way). You took responsibility. Your husband actually spoke to you, even if it was to tell you about being served, he did share.

 

Yes, most interactions have been painful (OMs BW, your husband) however, they have been HONEST. Keep on that path.

[carhill]

IMO, your husband speaking with you and giving you advance notice of being served is a positive sign that a dialogue, if only being amicable during the dissolution process, is possible. Had he remained mum and had the sheriff show up at work to serve you would have been far more inflammatory. It happens. My only advice at this juncture is to adhere to the path you've laid out for yourself and take each day as it comes. Each day brings new opportunity. Good luck.

[BetrayedH]

If you want to avoid being served at work (or some other unpleasant location), contact the county court first thing Mon morning and ask to come in. Or just go there. That's what I did.

 

As for predicting the future, no one here knows. Best thing you can do is to stay committed to an honest and authentic life and you will rebuild a life you can be proud of, with or without him.

 

I also wanted to add that while I would have advised your H to confront you with divorce papers and to let the consequences of your actions hit you squarely in the middle of the forehead like a hammer, I would then tell him to watch for true remorse. This is not the time to give up; it's the time to step up.

[harrybrown]

Good for you for telling him. Keep showing him your emotions and telling him how you feel. If you really want him back, let him know. It may not happen, but at least you know you tried.