He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[Try]

This is fact, stop hiding the tears, he needs to see your true feelings and he's watching because everything else is just more lies to him. You will have to deal with the big white elephant that is still in the room, why you waited a month to tell him. Be honest with each other, the moment your lover passed the phone to you everyone knew for sure what was going on. I will say this to you as a betrayed spouse, one that lived that moment and is saying this to you not to hurt you but to give you your husbands take on things. For a man that may have abandonment issues what you just did to him equates to taking a 5 year old boy on a long ride to the beach and then leaving him there never to come back. The knife went into his back the moment O/M picked up your phone in your room in the middle of the night, all you have been doing until your confession the other day was twisting it over and over again. Tell him the truth, you were scared, tell him you ended things with O/M the moment you accepted the phone from him and all this time you were a coward and have finally pulled your head out of your ass because you want to save your marriage. He wants to see you on your knees with the mascara running, he won't believe anything less from you. F**k humility, beg.

This is great advice. The fact that you did not start begging for his forgiveness for a whole month after he caught you, and you knew that he knew, was viewed by him as a further sign that you have no respect for him. Your husband's self respect demands that he cannot even think to give you a second chance until after he has served you for divorce ("I was going to server her but changed my mind" will not do), and until after you give up your pride and fight for your marriage on your hands and knees. He needs to see that from you if he is to look himself in the mirror if he takes you back. A part of him does want to take you back, you have to make it possible for him to consider that.

[AlwaysGrowing]

until after you give up your pride

 

 

Whatever you do,

 

DO.NOT.GIVE.UP.YOUR.PRIDE.

 

You let yourself down already, don't even step a toe down that road.

[klotzak]

Eating humble pride is part of the medicine I'm afraid. You are going to give up some of your pride otherwise you may not find the in-road back to maaiage as you knew it. It doesn't hurt giving up your pride and if it gets you your desired ending to this......

[Sofie2013]

Divorce takes time and can be stopped anytime up to the final decree, it's not over until it's over. What was his reaction to you exposing the O/M?

 

 

The same didn’t really faze him. We might talk again tonight. I will see how that goes

[atreides]

The same didn’t really faze him. We might talk again tonight. I will see how that goes

 

Try and try, the more talking perhaps the more he will listen and soften up. best of luck

[Sofie2013]

The post above is spot on. He may well have filed for divorce, but then I see that as he's given himself the option for it. It can be stopped but I don't get why you held back the tears as it would be another undeniable clue that you are dvastated. If there is a chance of you two getting back together I reckon he needs to see that you truely are destroyed by your own actions and that you are totally miserable about it all.

Never give up hope, if there's a 1% chance then there's every chance.

 

The reason I held back was because I thought it could backfire. I didn’t see how it would of help and it’s not like I was completely col. He saw me with tears in my eyes I just asked him if we could finish the conversation another day. I more so kept him from seeing have a complete breakdown.

[Sofie2013]

If you want to avoid being served at work (or some other unpleasant location), contact the county court first thing Mon morning and ask to come in. Or just go there. That's what I did.

 

As for predicting the future, no one here knows. Best thing you can do is to stay committed to an honest and authentic life and you will rebuild a life you can be proud of, with or without him.

 

I also wanted to add that while I would have advised your H to confront you with divorce papers and to let the consequences of your actions hit you squarely in the middle of the forehead like a hammer, I would then tell him to watch for true remorse. This is not the time to give up; it's the time to step up.

 

 

 

I don’t think he plans to serve me at work but I will look into

 

I don’t plan on giving up yet. At least he’s talking to me now given he is still cold as ice. It’s still better than him being completely cold towards me. So I guess I could take that as a good sign .

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sofie,

 

I am really sorry to read your story and for the predicament you find yourself in. Other folks on this forum have given you some very good advice and also words of comfort so I wont go there. All the advice that I can offer is that you get down on your knees and pray to the Almighty with all your heart and soul.

 

When you pray, completely bare your soul. Ask for forgiveness for what ever wrong you have done and express your true remorse and repentance. Remember that we human beings are but specks of dust in the presence of the Almighty and our decisions and actions are powerless in front of Him. If you truly ask for forgiveness from the bottom of your heart and commit to the Lord that you will turn over a new leaf if He will give you a second chance and reunite you with your husband, then I am sure your prayers will be answered. However please remember that the Lord works in mysterious ways and the result that you seek may not transpire in the manner that you seek it. You must always remember that the Lord will do what is best for you so never lose heart. I hope this helps. Cheers!!

[velvette]

until after you give up your pride

 

 

Whatever you do,

 

DO.NOT.GIVE.UP.YOUR.PRIDE.

 

You let yourself down already, don't even step a toe down that road.

 

I suggest you take the middle ground here and set your pride and ego aside temporarily. You need to put all your cards on the table. By that I mean you need to bare your heart and soul to this man and give him some reason to want to save this M.

 

You have done a lot of the right things after screwing up badly. I commend you for that, but it sometimes seems like you are very passively moving from point to point waiting for someone here to give you a magic solution.

 

Whether or not youre afraid, emotionally spent, trying to hold it together for your kids or its just your communication style, I don't know. But, you are the only one who knows this man and what might reach him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

One should own their choices, pain that they have caused, make amends etc.

For me, one need not sell their soul, self respect to do that. Again, for me, when we hold ourselves accountable, it should reinforce inside ourselves those positive attributes.

 

Its not easy to take ownership, having to grovel to do it, I see as counter productive.

 

I also think that we can get back what we lost, we can start anew. That once we let ourselves down, does not mean that we are not entitled to reclaim it.

 

As far as do ANYTHING, I disagree. One should be willing to do what is reasonable, respectful...not anything.

 

Now is the time, for Sophie to start reclaiming Sophie. Yes, her husband is very important, however, if Sophie is not healthy, what does it matter. Its a balancing act for sure. The steps she has taken thus far have been huge, I am sure she is emotionally exhausted.

[troubadour]

To be honest I really respect the way your H is handling this. I know a lot of people on here are, for lack of a better phrase, "rooting for you," but if you really look at it from your H's point of view he did nothing wrong and you didn't show real remorse until after you knew you were caught.

 

I feel bad for you but it seems like your remorse was triggered by the consequences of your actions and not the actions themselves.

 

 

Exactly.... and the affair would be still going on if the OP didn't get caught.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Assume you will be served at work. It was a work based affair.

 

You now have a one-shot advantage. You can control what your reaction will be when it happens.

 

You can choose from "Move along nothing to see" or "I had an affair with John here, my husband found out, I am an idiot."

 

I honestly suggest that last one. Although it will be unpleasant: humiliating: a loss of face; an admission of fault; a loss of control.

 

Understand: you humiliated him first. He needs some satisfaction. He would be doing no more than exposing your deceit. So if you have any hope at all of getting him to start communicating openly with you, play along. Which means humiliating for you. Then do the beg / running mascara thing. Call yourself names. Keep being honest, with no spin, no gloss, no trickle truth, no minimizing... and you still have a chance.

[AlwaysGrowing]

What a tough crowd.

 

Sophie husband did not want to discuss it, she honoured his wishes. She was respectful. She didn't push her agenda on him. She made a timeline, and offered it. Of her own accord she told the other BS. That is not passive.

[atreides]

To be honest I really respect the way your H is handling this. I know a lot of people on here are, for lack of a better phrase, "rooting for you," but if you really look at it from your H's point of view he did nothing wrong and you didn't show real remorse until after you knew you were caught.

 

I feel bad for you but it seems like your remorse was triggered by the consequences of your actions and not the actions themselves.

 

I can't figure out why people always want to work on their marriage after they cheat.

 

Honestly, Im kind of like your H where I draw clear lines and I follow them no matter what my emotions are. And I disagree with the idea of winning your H over during the divorce process. If he is like me pride alone will drive him to divorce.

 

That might well be, but unlike many stories, i think Sophie has proven to be truly sorry and loves her husband. I started out on this thread as being a detractor to Sophie, but in a response to one of my posts, i found her to be more genuine that previously thought. I usually side with D in most cases, but there is something about Sophie that seems more sincere to me.

[atreides]

Exactly.... and the affair would be still going on if the OP didn't get caught.

 

Agreed, she got busted but I feel her to be genuine in loving her husband at this point. I stated earlier that i was a detractor and she came off as getting caught and the emotions came out of fear and regret. But she had one post to me that makes me believe differently. Either way, it looks as if the H will move on and so be it, but for Sophie, if she is as genuine as i feel her to be, her H will come around, if not then not.

 

As another stated, perhaps his pride will be the end, that he will not get past it.

[velvette]

What a tough crowd.

 

Sophie husband did not want to discuss it, she honoured his wishes. She was respectful. She didn't push her agenda on him. She made a timeline, and offered it. Of her own accord she told the other BS. That is not passive.

 

Maybe passive is the wrong word; but lets not forget Sophie sat around for a month knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt her H knew about the A doing NOTHING to save her M. I certainly wouldn't call that proactive.

 

Anywho, I agree she should respect his wishes and she has. However, he did let her talk to him last night so no reason she cant try to talk to him and make her case imo. He listened. He could have walked out. So obviously he wanted to hear what she had to say.

 

He said he's leaving in a week I believe. If I wanted to save my M I would make damn sure my H knew everything in my heart regarding how I felt about him and my M and what I was willing to do to pick up the pieces and recreate a happy healthy M. That's all.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

AlwaysGrowing, I have issue with your line of "self respect...positive attributes ... reclaiming yourself". There was some whale song there too, I felt.

 

OP - more useful would be utter acknowledgement that you had your head up your ass, cheated, got caught. That would be a real step towards rebalancing your karma, so to speak.

 

OP, seriously, I think that calling yourself names and asking for mercy may be a more effective strategy to open some communication with your husband, than keeping your self-control.

 

Good luck.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Why must one belittle who they are today, in the present. One can acknowledge that what they did was pretty horrible, without saying in the present that is who they are.

 

Usually when one does something that they regret, is because they lost self control, self respect. So how do you learn from that? By losing control again, belittling yourself..would calling herself any number of names...be of any benefit to Sophie?

 

I believe, that reclaiming who we thought we were, reclaiming the honest person, reclaiming our integrity, our values. If we don't reclaim them first, what does the offender have to offer...more of the same?

[aliveagain]

Trust me when I say this, your husband see's the difference, he has noticed. He had to defend his honor so he filed for divorce, infidelity took a huge hit on his manhood, some of us don't recover but you have children involved. We will do things to protect our children that we wouldn't do if there were none, sometimes eating a sh** sandwich is one of them. Keep talking to him, his indifference is just his way of protecting himself from further hurt. He doesn't know how committed to the marriage you are just yet. He's still in shock, when we marry we never plan for infidelity, no one is prepared for it when it happens. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass was a great help for me.

[BetrayedH]

I don’t think he plans to serve me at work but I will look into

 

It's not likely that it's up to him. Officers will have your home and work addresses and will just go to find you. Best to beat them to the punch.

 

Personally, I think it's a small sign of softening that he told you about being served. At some point he wanted you to just get hit out of the blue (like he did) but changed his mind. Baby steps.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Assuming he knew about your affair while it was going on, even before the 3am call to the hotel room:

 

1. How were you treating him while the affair was going on and he knew about it?

 

2. How did your behavior change after you knew he must know (i.e., after the 3am call to the hotel room)?

 

3. How was your marriage before the affair? Boring? Routine? Roommates? No complaints? How was the romantic/sexual aspect of it?

 

4. Why do you think he proceeded to divorce without even a thought of reconciling? I can't help but think that your behavior that he observed AFTER he knew you were in the affair but before you brought it up had something with him deciding to proceed to divorce without even the thought of reconciliation.

 

5. Is it possible he was unhappy in the marriage even before the affair?

 

6. What would have been his biggest complaints about you, pre-affair?

 

When I confronted my wife and she turned into a crying, snot-blowing mess and agreed to whatever I asked, I took that as a positive sign and it helped me decide to reconcile.

Edited September 28, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[troubadour]

Agreed, she got busted but I feel her to be genuine in loving her husband at this point. I stated earlier that i was a detractor and she came off as getting caught and the emotions came out of fear and regret. But she had one post to me that makes me believe differently. Either way, it looks as if the H will move on and so be it, but for Sophie, if she is as genuine as i feel her to be, her H will come around, if not then not.

 

As another stated, perhaps his pride will be the end, that he will not get past it.

 

 

Atreides, let's be realistic here.... Sophie appears to be a selfish, entitled woman who knows no restrain. For her it is all about what she wants with disregard for others and their feelings.

 

She may love her husband but she clearly didn't love him enough not to cheat on him. She didn't love him enough not to humiliate him. Her own "pleasures" were more important to her.

 

And sleeping with her friend's husband isn't a biggie either.... she wanted him and it was all that mattered in the end. Sophie may like her friend but it wasn't sufficient reason for her not to sleep with friend's husband.

 

I am sure there were some "factors" involved but ultimately it all boils down to her selfishness, sense of entitlement, and desire to cheat. She wanted it all.

 

What exactly makes you think that she is genuinly in love with her husband "now"? Keep in mind that she didn't end her affair on her own.... she was caught in bed with xMM by her husband. If it didn't happen her affair would be still going on. Right now, she is trying to deal with the aftermath of it.... divorce, losing her cushy lifestyle, and shame of wearing a "wayward" hat.

 

That being said.... I do feel sorry for Sophie. I really do. I have a close female friend who went through similiar situation a year ago. She risked all and she lost all.... good marriage, relationship with her two teenage sons, and her self-respect. Around Christmas it looked that she was ready to pull the plug on herself completely.

[Sofie2013]

As far as begging goes I have beg to some degree. My husband is not like most people. If I were to go all out begging and crying pleading him to stay. He could easy read that as me trying to guilt tripping him to stay and that would not good. As of now it’s best just to give him some space but let him know that I still want this marriage and I’m willing to do whatever he asks of me to fix this. I also have no problem swallowing my pride. I have to be very care what I do moving forward one false step could put the nail in the coffin for good.

 

I also one of the reason I waited so long to confess wasn’t so much of being scared to but more so scared what he would do( if that make sense). The first thing I did after that conversation was I looked up way to tell him and how to tell him and almost every single stories a read the husband just left. I wanted to try to prevent this from happening now I realize I was just being stupid and I should have told him everything as soon as I walked in our house.

[Sofie2013]

Maybe passive is the wrong word; but lets not forget Sophie sat around for a month knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt her H knew about the A doing NOTHING to save her M. I certainly wouldn't call that proactive.

 

Anywho, I agree she should respect his wishes and she has. However, he did let her talk to him last night so no reason she cant try to talk to him and make her case imo. He listened. He could have walked out. So obviously he wanted to hear what she had to say.

 

He said he's leaving in a week I believe. If I wanted to save my M I would make damn sure my H knew everything in my heart regarding how I felt about him and my M and what I was willing to do to pick up the pieces and recreate a happy healthy M. That's all.

 

 

Waiting so long was a very bad decision on my part. I just wasn’t siting was looking for the best way to tell him. Reading different books now I see how point less all that was. I should have done this after I told him everything.

 

Yes he’s leaving in a week so he told me. Trust me I plan on quitting yet I will show how much I want this marriage and him. Also how I am willing to do anything he wants of me.

[movingalongnicely]

sorry Sofie, having gone through this myself, my only wish is that my ex-wife wraps her car around a telephone pole sooner than later.

 

cheating on your spouse is probably the most despicable thing a person can do. he probably played a role in how you felt driven to do what you did, but when two people argue and one shoots the other one in the head, the person who pulled the trigger isn't 50% guilty of murder. it is 100% their fault.

 

the fact that he's a lawyer means you're probably really screwed, and rightly so.