He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[Sofie2013]

Here's some sound advice I received in regards to such matters.....pick one thing you want out of this and make that your goal. Focus your energies and your lawyer's time and skills on that goal. Work out scenarios to achieve that goal, whether the lawsuit proceeds to dissolution or not. Accept that other desires may be eroded by focus on the goal. Choose carefully. Good luck.

 

I really don’t want anything from him just him and since he’s moving out mean I will most likely stay in the house. So I will see if we could work out a way so he could help finish paying it off the house. I don’t plan to fight him for any of his assets.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie

 

My heart goes out to you, your children and especially your husband.

 

If you truly love him then tell him. Tell him today, tomorrow and even after the divorce.

 

Be honest with him and help him through his pain.

 

Be fair in the Divorce.

 

Relationships don't always end after a divorce. Especially with children involved.

 

Prove your love and commitment to him by your actions. Not just now but through the divorce and after.

 

So what if he dates after the divorce. He probably will do anything to try to forget you, to lose his love for you.

 

Do not let him.

 

Be the best darn wife, mother and woman that you were supposed to be. Be respectful of his wishes but at the same time do not let him railroad you into anything that is not fair.

 

I have two good friends that divorced their spouses after infidelity.

 

They are now dating their wives again because their wives did not give up after the divorces.

 

One couple is quite serious and is helping her husband reclaim all that was lost.

 

The choice is his to divorce you but the choice is yours to still love him, your family and your marriage.

 

Good Luck

 

HM64

 

 

I actually not that scared of the divorce as much I was. I spent much of the morning reading stories about divorce and it’s not that rare for a person to start dating their ex-spouse. It seems the second time around thingsseems to go much better and usually it will last. I’m still pretty if about thedivorce mostly because he will probably start seeing other women but then again he could do that as soon as he moves out.

[underwater2010]

Sofie2013 I have responded in awhile...at least since you had your meeting with his BW. I just want to say that I am proud of how you have handled yourself in regards to ending everything and coming clean.

 

I am sure that everything seems to be crumbling around you and it is tough to handle. Just keep your head up and realize that you have regained your integrity.

 

I just hope that you are able to pass on your new found knowledge of affairs and the outcomes. Big Hugs and be sure to keep us updated.

[BetrayedH]

I actually not that scared of the divorce as much I was. I spent much of the morning reading stories about divorce and it’s not that rare for a person to start dating their ex-spouse. It seems the second time around thingsseems to go much better and usually it will last.

 

I think this is a realistic scenario. Proceed thru an amiable divorce where you never fail to take ownership and accountability for a huge mistake and the chances of forgiveness are much higher. But if you deny the adultery during the divorce, you can probably forget it. Your attorney is going to want to jealously represent your legal and financial interests. It's your job to make sure she understands that being honest is your paramount priority. She works for you, not the other way around. In the end, your husband will hold you responsible for whatever actions she takes. In that regard, I speak from experience.

[Sofie2013]

Well my friend just told me her husband also my exmm and was just suspended until further notice. I don’t know if it because of the affair it probably is. She asked me if I said anything I said no she also asked if my husband told and I told her I had no idea. She asked for his number I was going to give it to her bur decided not to. I don’t know what’s going happen to me since no one has said anything to me yet. If has gotten suspended then it only makes sense I would too.

 

My head a mess right now I have no idea what’s going to happen. I’m nervous, anxious and scared I hate this feeling

[Chi townD]

Was your AP your superior? If so, then that could explain the action taken against him and not you....well, at least, not yet.

 

If he was your superior, then he should have know better than to pursue you while at work. You might get the same treatment or just a write up. Remember, what I said earlier your husband may have dimed you out to the company but he also may have made a deal that your affair partner loses his job but you keep yours and he'll let the matter drop without any further litigation. I still say that your husband is in the mindset of; if you lose your job, then he'll have to may you alimony. And he'll be damned if he's going to pay you for screwing up his life, your marriage and your family. It would feel like he would be rewarding bad behavior.

 

Look at your divorce petition, does it have anything in there about paying up alimony for a set period of time? If he knew you were going to lose your job he would have alimony included in the petition at a lower rate to haggle with. If there isn't anything in there about alimony, then I speculate that he was assured that you were still going to have a job; therefore, no need to include it in the petition.

[2sure]

Even in states that use adultery as grounds for divorce, the main thing it effects is the speed of the divorce. It isn't the big scary monster that people think.

First, he has to prove it which can be difficult.

 

It will not effect child custody or child support. It can effect your alimony.

It can reduce your share of distributed assets if you spent marital money on the infidelity.

 

It's rare for people to get pain and suffering compensation during divorce, and only works if the abuser has more money than the victim.

 

If he has proof, he wants to use it for a quicker divorce than no fault.

[Sofie2013]

Was your AP your superior? If so, then that could explain the action taken against him and not you....well, at least, not yet.

 

If he was your superior, then he should have know better than to pursue you while at work. You might get the same treatment or just a write up. Remember, what I said earlier your husband may have dimed you out to the company but he also may have made a deal that your affair partner loses his job but you keep yours and he'll let the matter drop without any further litigation. I still say that your husband is in the mindset of; if you lose your job, then he'll have to may you alimony. And he'll be damned if he's going to pay you for screwing up his life, your marriage and your family. It would feel like he would be rewarding bad behavior.

 

Look at your divorce petition, does it have anything in there about paying up alimony for a set period of time? If he knew you were going to lose your job he would have alimony included in the petition at a lower rate to haggle with. If there isn't anything in there about alimony, then I speculate that he was assured that you were still going to have a job; therefore, no need to include it in the petition.

 

 

He was my superior so I can understand them getting him first. I don’t understand why haven’t said anything to me yet. According to my friend all of this went down early in the morning. So they have had enough time to say or do something.

 

Me and my lawyer both went over it yesterday and theirs was nothing about alimony. I doubt im getting out of this scot free

[velvette]

He was my superior so I can understand them getting him first. I don’t understand why haven’t said anything to me yet. According to my friend all of this went down early in the morning. So they have had enough time to say or do something.

 

Me and my lawyer both went over it yesterday and theirs was nothing about alimony. I doubt im getting out of this scot free

 

They will probably not take any action against you unless you violated some company policy in conducting your A.....even then maybe not.

 

Your exMM being your supervisor sets them up for you possibly filing a sexual harassment suit. They will want to avoid that.

[Sofie2013]

Alright if anything going to happen, it’s probably going happen tomorrow. I’m going to have to talk to my husband tonight and ask if he as anything to do with what’s going on. I finally get to go home

[velvette]

Alright if anything going to happen, it’s probably going happen tomorrow. I’m going to have to talk to my husband tonight and ask if he as anything to do with what’s going on. I finally get to go home

 

Well maybe this is what you mean, but I would not just innocently ask, I would tell him exMM BW told you about the suspension, exactly what she said and that she wanted his number but you didn't give it. I.E. the whole truth.

[road]

Well maybe this is what you mean, but I would not just innocently ask, I would tell him exMM BW told you about the suspension, exactly what she said and that she wanted his number but you didn't give it. I.E. the whole truth.

 

 

Exactly this. Tell how you found out. That the OMW called you, etc, etc.

[BetrayedH]

If you have an employee policy manual, you should check it.

 

Many companies do not have an anti-fraternization policy except in regards to subordinates (because of the risk of a sexual harrassment lawsuit). He may well be terminated and you may never hear a thing (because of confidentiality). It depends on company policy and those vary greatly. Some employers also have higher expectations of managers and executives than office/technical or hourlies.

Edited October 1, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Sparty97]

Wouldn't your possession of a book entitled "surviving an affair" be some proof as well as the timeline, the testimony of the OMW, the phonecall...etc.

[crederer]

I have taken close to all the advice that has been given. I already told him. Have read all my post because I don’t think you have

 

 

No, when I made that post I only read the first few pages, cause let's be real, this whole thread is about the size of a novel.

 

Now I have some positive and some negative things to say, and both are meant to be as a learning experience and not as to praise or to chastise.

 

You owning what you did was very good and courageous. Your husband deserved that. It shows that you are not as cowardly as my first impression of you was.

 

I am the son of a mother who did the same thing as you. I don't know what age your kids are but they will most likely discover this at some point in their lives, and be extremely hurt by it, and question if you are the person that they've known you to be their whole lives.

 

I eventually forgave my mother to a degree, but the relationship has never been the same, and quite frankly, a lot of times I feel i only communicate with her out of a sense of duty. So be prepared for that.

 

I've also had a gf that I was with for 5 years do this to me. We were engaged and luckily I discovered it before marriage. After the discovery, she denied and denied even though it was so completely obvious (so, again, kudo's to you for doing the right thing).

 

She threatened to claim common law and take half my stuff (she never worked much and when she did she spent it all on personal things and not expenses) if I had the balls to leave her. I have some high profile lawyers as friends of my family so they gave me some pretty solid counsel and luckily I was able to get away from that unscathed financially.

 

Now you yourself mentioned you make good money. I would suggest going to child support, but not alimony. That to me, based on what you have done, is a serious slap to the face. IMO, these are the consequences of your actions. If you go for alimony it only points out more to your selfishness, and he will see it. He is obviously very hurt but if you play your cards right he may see you're truly remourceful and consider another go. But either way, simply from a moral perspective, you should not pursue alimony.

[Sofie2013]

Well I had a talk with my husband a short one any way busy with work he still in his office now. So he is behind my exmm suspension which my husband said he’s 100% sure he going to be fired and I too should be getting fired and that’s why I didn’t get my transfer. He also told I shouldn’t try to fight it because I would lose he already given enough evidence to prove what we been doing using. I also asked if he wanted to go over the divorce. He wanted to but was busy and need to get something ready for tomorrow.

 

On another note my old marriage counselor finally give me a call back and I set an appointment for Thursday of this week. She also does a lot of individual counseling. So that’s some good news.

[velvette]

Did you violate some company policy in the process of conducting the affair? If so, you might be better off just offering your resignation for personal reasons.

[Sofie2013]

Did you violate some company policy in the process of conducting the affair? If so, you might be better off just offering your resignation for personal reasons.

 

 

According to my husband I did violate many company policies. I might have to resign I don’t see any other way around it.

[2sure]

According to my husband I did violate many company policies. I might have to resign I don’t see any other way around it.

 

Why volunteer anything? Your job is what you have left and you need it. If you resign you could be giving up severance , etc. Put up some fight.

You totally screwed up, but you can't afford to just accept punishment in every aspect of your life.

 

You didnt kill anyone.

[Bryanp]

If you resign would you still be allowed to collect unemployment insurance?

[Sofie2013]

This doesn’t really have anything to do with my current situation well I guess it does.

 

I don’t know why but I find myself extremely turned on by the way my husband is handing this. It’s a serious turn on maybe I’m just a little weir. I’m so hot for him right now it. It might just be all these emotions talking. Has anyone ever experienced something like this or am I the only one.

[2sure]

I'm sure there is an element of wanting what you can't have , and possibly feeling desperate.

 

Maybe he is in the mood for some hysterical bonding as well. Wouldn't hurt to try.

[Sofie2013]

Why volunteer anything? Your job is what you have left and you need it. If you resign you could be giving up severance , etc. Put up some fight.

You totally screwed up, but you can't afford to just accept punishment in every aspect of your life.

 

You didnt kill anyone.

 

Again according to my husband it doesn’t matter if I put up a fight he’s more than sure I would lose. I have to talk to someone first and see all my options first before I commit to anything.

[velvette]

According to my husband I did violate many company policies. I might have to resign I don’t see any other way around it.

 

Do you not know whether you did or did not?

 

I still think they may not take any action against you because you can theoretically turn around and say your supervisor(who has the power to influence your employment) coerced you into the A. That is a classic quid pro quo sexual harassment case which most companies will want to avoid at all costs.

 

However, doesn't mean they wont find a way to get rid of you later or block your career advancement in ways you cant challenge just because now they consider you a problem employee or a troublemaker for them.

 

I suggest you leave an urgent voicemail for your attorney to ask her advice.

 

All that being said, what are the pros/cons of resigning.

 

Do you want to be working there under the cloud of this situation and in proximity to MM BW. Is she in management as well?

 

If you are fired it will make it harder to find a new job.

 

Do you have family other than your H to help you until you find a new job?

[velvette]

If you resign would you still be allowed to collect unemployment insurance?

 

I don't think so; but many states will not give you unemployment if you are fired for cause either.