He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[atreides]

Of course HE DOES. This is a person that makes a late night call then says nothing for a month and gets your AP fired, files for D under adultery.

 

he is maximizing his revenge. you lost him, AP, BF, job...

 

BTW this tale is provides two lessons --- deny, deny, deny AND confess only if R is possible.

 

 

I agree with road and...

 

uh... she got busted... she tried to confess but her H already caught her.

[velvette]

Well my ex mm sentme a very nasty email. Now he blaming for everything. He claims it’s my faulty he’sgoing to lose his job and now his marriage which I didn’t think he would I reallythought my friend would take him back I guess not. What he doesn’t realize is I’mlosing just as much if not more than him. I haven’t sent a reply yet and I won’t.Its whatever he can blame me all he wants I have bigger things to worry aboutright now.

 

 

I don't recall. Did you ever write and send a no contact letter to exMM?

 

If not you should write one, show this contact to H and let him see the no contact letter before you send it.

[BetrayedH]

How can sex affect the divorce who even going to know we hadsex but us?

 

I want but I’m scared of getting turned down which would probablyhappen

 

Sometimes a claim for divorce on the basis of adultery is denied because it's clear that the BS had already granted 'forgiveness.' If it's been a long time since the adultery was discovered/disclosed and the couple has moved past it (having sex, etc) then trying to make a later claim that a divorce is based on adultery is viewed as ancient history.

 

Your H having sex with you once or twice isn't likely going to be seen as 'forgiveness.'

[BetrayedH]

You can take your fear of rejection and magnify it a thousand fold before you'd approach the level of rejection experienced by your husband. He likely feels completely discarded like a piece of trash by the one person in life that was supposed to have his back. It's a huge blow to the ego to have something that you thought was special, valuable, and sacred given so freely to another man. You fear being rejected but he has been rejected in the worst way possible.

 

If you want any HB to happen, it's your turn to make yourself vulnerable. And it's his turn to have his ego stroked.

[crederer]

He's getting you fired, eh?

 

It would seem the company could just transfer one of you, keep one of you or fire one of you and get on with it. Firing both people, from a business perspective doesn't make sense to me.

 

The company worried you're going to shag another employee at the place you're transferred to or something?

[Jonah]

Well my ex mm sentme a very nasty email. Now he blaming for everything. He claims it’s my faulty he’sgoing to lose his job and now his marriage which I didn’t think he would I reallythought my friend would take him back I guess not. What he doesn’t realize is I’mlosing just as much if not more than him. I haven’t sent a reply yet and I won’t.Its whatever he can blame me all he wants I have bigger things to worry aboutright now.

 

 

Play with fire and you might get burned. Some guys get shot for this kind of thing!

 

Still... married or no, under those close circumstances I can understand how it would be a difficult thing to resist a beautiful woman. The way he sees it, he never really had a chance. Just fate and he got torched! Holy cow girl, you are rocking a mans world! What, that's two guys that we know of that are wondering what the hell happened!

[janedoe67]

First of all, do NOT reply to any of OM's attempts at contact; block him if you can.

 

As to this:

 

[quote

No BH is required to forgive his WW affair.]

 

That is very true. An affair is THE dealbreaker for many people and with very good reason.

 

However.....natural consequences are one thing. IMO, creating as many and as repeated and as vicious a cycle of consequences as possible for as long as possible eventually begins to speak to the character of the BS as well as the WS.

 

Some people will disagree. I was on a forum with a supposedly Christian foundation when people on there were heralding burning and beating a WS cause "they got what they deserved." THAT kind of thinking is every bit as twisted and destructive as wayward thinking and is in a category of crazy and obsessed all its own.

[crederer]

Honestly, I think I'd take a physical beating for cheating over getting publicly outed and consquently fired from my job.....Maybe the Christians are on to something....

[janedoe67]

Honestly, I think I'd take a physical beating for cheating over getting publicly outed and consquently fired from my job.....Maybe the Christians are on to something....

 

 

Or those "Christians" forgot the verse that said "if someone keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at one point, he is guilty of breaking all of it."

 

In other words....they aren't perfect either, and God doesn't have the hierarchy of sin that we created to make ourselves feel better

 

I'm going to go hide under something solid now.

[velvette]

First of all, do NOT reply to any of OM's attempts at contact; block him if you can.

 

As to this:

 

[quote

No BH is required to forgive his WW affair.]

 

That is very true. An affair is THE dealbreaker for many people and with very good reason.

 

However.....natural consequences are one thing. IMO, creating as many and as repeated and as vicious a cycle of consequences as possible for as long as possible eventually begins to speak to the character of the BS as well as the WS.

 

Some people will disagree. I was on a forum with a supposedly Christian foundation when people on there were heralding burning and beating a WS cause "they got what they deserved." THAT kind of thinking is every bit as twisted and destructive as wayward thinking and is in a category of crazy and obsessed all its own.

 

I agree with you in principle; however, Sophies BS is not here to explain himself so hard to say what he is thinking. Maybe his goal is simply to create enough conflict between Sophie and her AP and eliminate their proximity to each other in the workplace to ensure the A is dead and this OM is never around his children.

 

If his goal is to leave Sophie destitute and unemployed just for revenge, then he will have to face the natural consequences of his children's response to that at some point.

[janedoe67]

Very true. One should look at the thinking and story of a BS on an individual basis instead of lumping all BS together or projecting our own experiences with a BS onto every BS who posts here.

[Sofie2013]

Will I was suspended and I was asked to leave the building. I will be suspended until farther notice and as of now it for bring personal problems into the work place. They also told me it could change and I have another meeting on the Monday with more details.

 

I was able to call and labor lawyer and I was able to set appointment for next Thursday. I did ask if it was possible for him to see me this week or before the Monday. he told me he would call me if he could.

[Sofie2013]

I don't recall. Did you ever write and send a no contact letter to exMM?

 

If not you should write one, show this contact to H and let him see the no contact letter before you send it.

 

No I never wrote him a NC letter. I didn’t even know what that was till a week ago and by then it was already almost a month of NC so I didn’t see the point in writing one. Maybe I will write one

[Sofie2013]

He's getting you fired, eh?

 

It would seem the company could just transfer one of you, keep one of you or fire one of you and get on with it. Firing both people, from a business perspective doesn't make sense to me.

 

The company worried you're going to shag another employee at the place you're transferred to or something?

 

 

Well the both of us as of now are getting fired. I did ask for a transfer but it was denied. My ex mm is executive 1 of 4 and I also hold a good position so that could come into to play it doesn’t look good if what we did went public. They probably want to clean it up before that happens.

[LBlanc]

No I never wrote him a NC letter. I didn’t even know what that was till a week ago and by then it was already almost a month of NC so I didn’t see the point in writing one. Maybe I will write one

 

Never mind the NC letter...you would just be beating a dead horse

[Sofie2013]

You can take your fear of rejection and magnify it a thousand fold before you'd approach the level of rejection experienced by your husband. He likely feels completely discarded like a piece of trash by the one person in life that was supposed to have his back. It's a huge blow to the ego to have something that you thought was special, valuable, and sacred given so freely to another man. You fear being rejected but he has been rejected in the worst way possible.

 

If you want any HB to happen, it's your turn to make yourself vulnerable. And it's his turn to have his ego stroked.

 

You’re right I should put myself out there. He has suffered the worst form rejection and what I feel doesn’t even come close.

[BetrayedH]

...natural consequences are one thing. IMO, creating as many and as repeated and as vicious a cycle of consequences as possible for as long as possible eventually begins to speak to the character of the BS as well as the WS.

 

Some people will disagree. I was on a forum with a supposedly Christian foundation when people on there were heralding burning and beating a WS cause "they got what they deserved." THAT kind of thinking is every bit as twisted and destructive as wayward thinking and is in a category of crazy and obsessed all its own.

 

Being a BS is crazy-making. I always try to encourage BSs to let the natural consequences of cheating stand rather than instituting artificial punishments. As someone once said, revenge is like drinking a poison in hopes that the other person will die. I commonly discourage widespread exposure.

 

That said, some measure of exposure is a natural consequence of having an affair. For a workplace affair with a superior, perhaps exposure at work is a natural consequence. I didn't expose my wife's affair with her boss a her workplace. I don't really regret that decision but at the same time, I still wonder. I also think it's asking a lot to expect the BS to always take the high road when they've been betrayed this way. I think it's a little early to be calling the BS's character into question. I'm not sure that what the BS has done is a case of repeated and as viscious as possible consequences and shouldn't be equated to beatings and burnings.

[BetrayedH]

You’re right I should put myself out there. He has suffered the worst form rejection and what I feel doesn’t even come close.

 

Kudos. It's a tough thing to do. Be wary that he may just see it as a form of manipulation from you to get him to back off. I think your best response to that is the honest one: that he's shown himself to be a strong man (as he was right to do) and it's very attractive.

 

For a BH, I think HB is about reclaiming your wife (and her ass, excuse my french) and for the WW, it can be about a newfound appreciation for what you took for granted. It's not a good indicator about success in reconciliation but it's generally said that you should enjoy it while it happens. For what it's worth, he is still your husband and you are still his wife; you're allowed to have sex.

 

Sadly, for many men, being intimate with their WW is the most vivid trigger for thoughts about what you did with the OM. It can be a very diffcult hurdle.

 

My thought is that you won't know until you try.

[BetrayedH]

Never mind the NC letter...you would just be beating a dead horse

 

Perhaps. It might also be good for her to check this off of the list of things that she's done to firmly end the affair and try to rebuild her M. Considering that the OM recently contacted her, I think it's worth some thought to make it clear that she wants NC of any kind.

[Sofie2013]

Kudos. It's a tough thing to do. Be wary that he may just see it as a form of manipulation from you to get him to back off. I think your best response to that is the honest one: that he's shown himself to be a strong man (as he was right to do) and it's very attractive.

 

For a BH, I think HB is about reclaiming your wife (and her ass, excuse my french) and for the WW, it can be about a newfound appreciation for what you took for granted. It's not a good indicator about success in reconciliation but it's generally said that you should enjoy it while it happens. For what it's worth, he is still your husband and you are still his wife; you're allowed to have sex.

 

Sadly, for many men, being intimate with their WW is the most vivid trigger for thoughts about what you did with the OM. It can be a very diffcult hurdle.

 

My thought is that you won't know until you try.

 

I agree if I do try anything. I will tell him the true reason why. I’m done with lying to him.

 

How do help a man get rid of those images and triggers?

 

I plan to try it before he moves out

[Sofie2013]

Ask him what kind of man he is.

Some need EVERY position, moan, groan, ejaculation detail on earth to quiet their imaginations of "Did they do this?"

Others

Want to know nothing.

 

IN other boards I have found that it is usually one extreme or another. Nothing or literally EVERYTHING in hideous detail.

 

 

I think my husband might be the one who “wants to know nothing” well at least I think so. He hasn’t asked any questions or even bother taking to me about the affair. He did listen once but besides that he doesn’t seem to care

[BetrayedH]

How do help a man get rid of those images and triggers?

 

Sadly, there's no silver bullet. The best answer I know is displaying consistent actions over time.

 

As the previous poster mentioned, some want to know every but of detail about what you did and what you liked. It's a sort of self-assessment. As painful as it might be, the most critical thing is for you to be consistently honest so that he can believe you and come to grips with reality. Others don't want any detail because they know they will trigger. Let your husband be the judge.

 

Otherwise, work on replacing the thoughts and memories of OM with new ones with your H. Many reconciling couples will reclaim dates, places, and such with new experiences that are their own.

 

But honestly, if your H starts to forgive, this will be his biggest struggle (other than trust) and it doesn't go away quickly. When I was "with" my wife after Dday, I pretty much always envisioned the OM in our bed, coaching me in what she liked and what she didn't. Frankly, it was awful. If it's true that you didn't experiment with the OM (in ways that you didn't with your H), it may be a little easier on him. But the reality is that you liked it or you wouldn't have gone back for more. It's a very difficult reality for a BH to accept.

[Furious]

Sofie

 

Why do you want to save your marriage if having an affair was enough reason to destroy it?

[AlwaysGrowing]

He did listen once but besides that he doesn’t seem to care

 

I would be careful in assigning motives to your husband.

 

Chances are he is in self-protection mode. As he should be.

 

This has changed who your husband is. It will take a long time for your husband to feel like himself. His world was false. He was living a fake life, not of his choosing. It is hard to let go of the life he thought he had, the wife he thought he had, the family he thought he had.

 

His actions thus far, point to him needing to gain some control over his life.

[drifter777]

I agree if I do try anything. I will tell him the true reason why. I’m done with lying to him.

 

How do help a man get rid of those images and triggers?

 

I plan to try it before he moves out

 

You cannot "help" him with this - it's his cross to bear and you put it on his shoulders. For me, the images and triggers have diminished over time but will never be gone. My wife has asked me many times what she can do to help me with this and I always tell her the same thing; "undo what you did". That is impossible - as is the idea that you can help your BH to "get rid of those images and triggers".