He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[Sofie2013]

I would confess at this point...and then determine if he wants to work on it, or move forward with the D. What do you want?

 

 

I want to stay married. I do not want a divorce

[canuckprincess]

Me and my husband have tighter for 12 years and have two children both 7 (twins). We have had any ok marriage for the most part never really had any problems and we never ever any serious arguments.

 

The reason my posting is for the last 6 months I have been having an affair with and another co-worker who is also married. To make it worse I am friends with his wife who also works for the same company. Both I and john( the guy I’m having the affair with, not his really name) work in the same department and usually have business trips together and it also were we hook up most of the time but we have done it other times before work, after work and during your lunch break and so on.

 

My husband recent found out about my affair. Well I don’t know how long he has known about the affair but he knows. For some reason he still hasn’t confronted me yet of asked any question. It as if everything the same, I just don’t what to do every day I wake up asking myself is today the day my marriage ends is it tomorrow. I am so lost and confused I don’t want to lose my husband or my family but it might be out of my control. Can someone please help me I just don’t what else to do so please help me?

 

My mm's bs knows about the affair and according to him she hardly ever mentions it, maybe your husband is ok with it. Our bs I think has convinced herself that because he comes home to her that the affair is over. Denial is a very powerful thing.

[Owl]

I know I have to tell him and waiting is possible going to make things worse. I don’t know how to tell him. I wish I could just forget this ever happened and move on. I know that not possible and it probably wishful thinking. I don’t know just the thought of not having anymore is too much to bear.I would love nothing more than to work on our marriage but I don’t know if he would be willing. The damage might be too great.

 

It's simple, albeit not easy.

 

Sit him down, and start out with "Honey, I've got something painful that we need to discuss..." and go from there.

 

And you're right, the damage might be too great. But...you owe him the courtesy of making that decision too.

[carhill]

I want to stay married. I do not want a divorce

If so, disclosure, contrition and a plan to move forward to reconcile the M would be, IMO, the healthiest path. Posters like Owl have walked this path, as betrayed spouses, and can offer insight on the reconciliation path. Good luck.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Have you thought of discussing this with a professional counselor? Maybe having their insight could help you?

[Sofie2013]

My mm's bs knows about the affair and according to him she hardly ever mentions it, maybe your husband is ok with it. Our bs I think has convinced herself that because he comes home to her that the affair is over. Denial is a very powerful thing.

 

I doubt my husband would be ok with what I was doing. Maybe heis in denial and doesn’t want to see the truth

[GorillaTheater]

I doubt my husband would be ok with what I was doing. Maybe heis in denial and doesn’t want to see the truth

 

It's possible. Sometimes it happens this way.

 

The problem is that you really have no idea what "truth" he's dealing with, because you have yet to discuss it with him. Stop trying to read his mind (you will almost always fail at this, particularly if emotions are clouding your judgment and perception), and share the truth with each other.

[Journee]

I doubt my husband would be ok with what I was doing. Maybe heis in denial and doesn’t want to see the truth

 

Is it unusual for your husband and yourself not to have sex for such an extended period of time? Did you notice this during your A or was this hindsight kicking in. I think that would be a huge indicator if it is out of the ordinary. He likely had known and understandably did not like being cuckolded.

 

Is your husband a mind games type? He may be wanting you to twist in the wind wondering what comes next.

 

The only person that would know this is your husband. Don't let on that you think him a fool by not confessing. He has something up his sleeve it seems. His attention is elsewhere. Whether it be to get things ready for divorce or an affair partner of his own. Both even. Your confession could mean everything right now. Could show even with your tremendous disrespect of him you will not continue to think him a fool.

[Sofie2013]

It's simple, albeit not easy.

 

Sit him down, and start out with "Honey, I've got something painful that we need to discuss..." and go from there.

 

And you're right, the damage might be too great. But...you owe him the courtesy of making that decision too.

 

Your right he deserves to know the truth. It’s the least I can do it won’t be easy but Idon’t have choice in the matter anymore

[harrybrown]

Write down a timeline of your affair. Give him all the information regarding any and all affairs. When I find out something new, my pain starts all over again. I think that nothing she is telling me is the truth, and she is still lying to me.

 

You should also tell him the reasons for your affair. I would suggest that you offer to get a different job, where you have no contact with the OM.

 

You have made so much effort to cheat with the OM and to deceive your husband. What great thing can you do for your husband? Why should he think that he is not your backup plan and you love the OM more than your husband?

 

Think what you would want to know if you found out your husband was cheating on you. And the remorse should not be for getting caught, it should be for having the affair in the first place.

[carhill]

If the 'how' is sufficiently concerning, regarding disclosure, you can pre-empt that with some IC, directing the counselor to facilitate the healthiest emotional state and communication tools for your circumstances. As each M is unique, each person is unique and one size doesn't fit all in these things. Going into such disclosures with both confidence in yourself and sympathy/empathy for your spouse is IMO key to moving forward, presuming reconciliation continues to be your priority. As Owl often advises, formulate a 'plan of action' to reconcile. A professional counselor can help with this, if you do indeed feel overwhelmed.

[Sofie2013]

You've gotten yourself in a terrible mess. Why doesn't he confront you? Maybe this is the calm before the storm. Your only choice is to mitigate the 'fury' of this storm by confessing everything and cutting off all ties with the OM.

 

Since a close relative was involved in an accident, he's probably waiting for you to settle down and resume your 'normal life' before he confronts you. Is he involved in an affair as well? Not likely thought not entirely impossible. I would not point any accusatory fingers at him, especially since he's the betrayed spouse in this situation.

 

I see that you've posted about how you are afraid of divorce and fear losing everything you've built. It's too late and that decision is no longer yours to make. This is the terrible, inconvenient truth. You crossed the line with the affair and the ball is now in your husband's court.

 

I suggest you seek help from an experienced IC, someone's who had dealt with infidelity. Buy some books about affairs, especially the books that cover the recovery aspect, and read them. These books will provide insights about recovering from affairs, which will be particularly useful.

 

Read the 'What every Wayward spouse needs to know' post on the infidelity section. Seize the initiative, confess, end the affair and start working on your marriage before it's too late.

 

My husband could be planning something it wouldn’t surpriseme. I already cut all the ties I had to the om. The last business trip was the last time I worked with him on anything work related and I no longer socialize with him.

 

I know it too late and I really don’t have a choice in the matteranymore. Whatever my husband decided is most likely will happen.

 

I will startto look for some professional help. Something has to be wrong with me for me to do what I did. I have read a few books about affairs.One book one of my friends gave me to read was “surviving infidelity” she said it help Her a lot to get over herhusband affair.

[stillafool]

Is it unusual for your husband and yourself not to have sex for such an extended period of time?

 

 

 

He has something up his sleeve it seems. His attention is elsewhere. Whether it be to get things ready for divorce or an affair partner of his own. Both even.

 

This is what I'm thinking and she has made it very easy for him if he is involved in his own affair. It would seem that a man who loved his wife couldn't just sit on this and not ask about it regardless of what's going on in their lives. I know my husband would blow a gasket. He didn't even ask "who was that man?" when you answered the phone.

[William]

As the former affair partner appears to be a minor player here, and the focus of the thread appears to be on the thread starter's spouse and communication surrounding the affair, moderation has moved the thread to Infidelity for topical clarity. Guidelines surrounding content and behavior continue to apply. Thanks.

[Sofie2013]

Is it unusual for your husband and yourself not to have sex for such an extended period of time? Did you notice this during your A or was this hindsight kicking in. I think that would be a huge indicator if it is out of the ordinary. He likely had known and understandably did not like being cuckolded.

 

Is your husband a mind games type? He may be wanting you to twist in the wind wondering what comes next.

 

The only person that would know this is your husband. Don't let on that you think him a fool by not confessing. He has something up his sleeve it seems. His attention is elsewhere. Whether it be to get things ready for divorce or an affair partner of his own. Both even. Your confession could mean everything right now. Could show even with your tremendous disrespect of him you will not continue to think him a fool.

 

Before the affair we would have sex 4 to 6 times a week. When I think about it slow went down. The closer I got to the om the number of time we would have sex also went down to the point my husband would longer ask for it. I didn’trealize this till after the affair was over and done with. So it was hindsigh tkicking in.

 

My husband is pretty straight forward with everything and doesn’t like mind games.

 

I plan to confess to confess soon. Part me want to do it to do another part me wants to wait.

[Sofie2013]

Write down a timeline of your affair. Give him all the information regarding any and all affairs. When I find out something new, my pain starts all over again. I think that nothing she is telling me is the truth, and she is still lying to me.

 

You should also tell him the reasons for your affair. I would suggest that you offer to get a different job, where you have no contact with the OM.

 

You have made so much effort to cheat with the OM and to deceive your husband. What great thing can you do for your husband? Why should he think that he is not your backup plan and you love the OM more than your husband?

 

Think what you would want to know if you found out your husband was cheating on you. And the remorse should not be for getting caught, it should be for having the affair in the first place.

 

A timeline is a good idea I will start to write one now. I’m going to try to remember everything which is going to be hard since I have tried my hardest <to> erase everything from my mind.

 

I don’t know the reasons why I had the affair there just isn’t a good reason for me to have an affair. Not that their ever a good reason. I already plan to transfer to another office so I will longer be seeing him.

 

I never planned on leaving my husband I never thought I would find out but he has. I never thought fora minute me and the om could be together. I never loved the om more the myhusband I just don’t know how to prove that

 

Are you still with your wife or did you get a divorce

Edited September 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix formatting

[Bryanp]

The first thing you need to do is get tested for STD's.

 

You know that your husband is going to ask you why you did this and why did you put him at risk for STD's. You husband is going to ask you since you were having sex with the OM before and after work did he ever have sex with you after you had been with the OM the same day? Finally, your husband will ask you how you would feel if he had humiliated and disrespected you in such a horrible way?

 

I guarantee you that when your husband called you at 4 am in your hotel room and the OM answered he was absolutely humiliated and crushed.

 

You most certainly need professional help to understand why you became so self-destructive and hurtful toward your spouse and your marriage. The longer you wait to confess the more he will see you as continuing to disrespect him.

 

My guess is that since he is a lawyer he is probably getting his ducks in a row. Your only hope now is to confess immediately and confront the issue head on. Be aware the chances are good that your husband will probably down the road contact the OM's wife as well. You better have some good answers when your husband asks you why you were willing to throw everything away like this? I wish you luck.

[Sofie2013]

I have decided to tell my husband everything tonight. I’m goingto try and leave work early and find the best way to tell him. I’m also goingsee if my mother would be willing to watch the boys for tonight. I don’t knowhow my husband will react not that he might hurt me or anything but it couldturn in to something and it’s probably be best they were not home for this. Iam still very scared about what going to happen but I have already let this goon for too long.

[klotzak]

Confessing will at least give your husband the above. Nobody wanted this mess, but treat tonight as the first night of the rest of your life. Yes, it could go either way, but you owe it to him and yourself to face it straight and leave nothing out. Full 100℅ honesty and an unwaivering desire to explain and prove yourself will help you.

Please don't set up the table for a meal, this needs to be done compassionately in the living room with the phones off, TV off and the kids well out of the way.

[shakenandstirred]

Your husband has been on to you from the beginning of your affair.

 

You will find out tonight when you confess.

[Sofie2013]

This is a great move. Be prepared for any type of reaction.. he may display a lot of anger at first. Or if not tonight then tomorrow or the next day.

 

Good luck.

 

Remember, do not blame him. Remind him you'll do whatever it takes to make amends, INCLUDING quitting your job. I don't see how you can carry on at the same place with OM there. During the post-confession aftermath, you may be inclined to seek solace in OM. Be careful.

 

I plan on doing this tonight

 

Isn’t his fault to I won’t put any blame on him. Well whatever my husbands I am willing to do to save my marriage all he has to do is ask and I will try my hardest to make sure it get done.

[Sofie2013]

Confessing will at least give your husband the above. Nobody wanted this mess, but treat tonight as the first night of the rest of your life. Yes, it could go either way, but you owe it to him and yourself to face it straight and leave nothing out. Full 100℅ honesty and an unwaivering desire to explain and prove yourself will help you.

Please don't set up the table for a meal, this needs to be done compassionately in the living room with the phones off, TV off and the kids well out of the way.

 

I do plan to keep things simple. I plan to cook dinner but nothing special. This isn’t a moment she should be celebrating anyway. I mother was willing to watch my boys so that’s taken care of. I wrote a timeline like some else mentioned I plan to be 100 % honest from here on out no more lies just the truth.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I want to stay married. I do not want a divorce

 

You dropped a bomb on your marriage when you slept with the OM. Whether or not you stay married or divorce is up to your husband.

 

My bet is that your husband is getting his legal ducks in a row to divorce you. Or he is in denial.

[Sofie2013]

Your husband has been on to you from the beginning of your affair.

 

You will find out tonight when you confess.

 

It doesn't matter how much he knows. I plan to tell him everything tonight.

[Owl]

It doesn't matter how much he knows. I plan to tell him everything tonight.

 

One bit of advice on this. Tell him everything he asks for. It's ok if you pause and make sure that he wants to know some kind of specific details, but if he asks for something, be honest. Don't hold anything back because you're worried he'll be upset, or because you want to minimize anything.

 

One of the most common reasons marriages fail after 'd-day' (discovery day) is because the WS (wayward spouse) does the whole "trickle truth" thing...they dole out bits and pieces of the truth over an extended period of time, often only because they're forced to do so. Instead of doing that, be honest and open. It's the foundation towards rebuilding trust.

 

And...don't expect him to be satisfied with you answering his questions once. Odds are, he'll ask them over and over again over the next few months. He'll rephrase them, repeat them, and otherwise keep mulling it all over and coming back with more questions.

 

It's normal. Be ready to accept it and deal with it.

 

I also heartily recommend marriage counseling to help the two of you work through the damage this has caused.

 

Last thought...this won't be all over next month. Nor even six months from now. It will likely take better than two years before your marriage well and truly is 'recovered' from your infidelity.

 

So...realize that this isn't a sprint to the finish...it's a marathon race of long, hard, grueling work in which either one of you may eventually give up and file for divorce.

 

There are no easy answers, quick fixes, or rapid 'get well plans' for this.

 

Be honest, up front, willing to discuss whatever you need to with him. He may not react with anger at first...but storm and rage later. You'll both be on a rollercoaster of emotions for the next several months...knowing that is half the battle of coping with it.