He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sophie,

 

There are one of two pieces of advice which are less than helpful, possibly even venomous from people that have been hurt and are not able to give clear and coherent advice.

I suggest that you filter such rubbish and get on with saving your marriage, it is savable but it will take patience and working at.

 

Those that applaud you getting removed from your job 'for the sake of the company' show particularly narrow and vindictive views. Ignore them is my advice.

 

There are lovely caring people on this site that can empathise with you rather than despise you; use there pointers and advice without prejudice as they KNOW.

 

As gloomy as the horizon looks this, in time so be really patient, is going to work out.

 

Just please cherry pick from the advice given on here as there are some that are posting worthless and vindictive post to sooth their own hatred of life.

 

 

I agree with some of the points. However,

 

I can empathize with someone and still understand that actions have consequences. I can understand that those actions have consequences and not despise the person.

 

Having empathy does not negate culpability.

 

Sophie has shown herself to be a person that has empathy. She has taken responsibility (no matter how difficult) and has faced all those that she hurt. That shows tremendous courage and strength of character. She has reached out for guidance, educated herself, shared her story.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I just spent my evening reading this entire thread and I can't believe it's over. I'm not trying to be morbid about the suspense or anything but I had huge realization from reading everybody's comments on this, especially the BSs.

 

Naively, I used to think perhaps how Sophie states that couples can make it through anything, and that when you are married you don't just throw in the towel over something like infidelity. I always assumed marriages that ended because of infidelity was more because the WS would actually go and leave with their AP. Embarrassingly enough, though I am old enough (at 25) and what brought me to Loveshack was a break-up (no infidelity), tonight I realized that love does not forgive everything. It doesn't have to, but most importantly, it sometimes just can't.

 

NO matter what the deal-breakers are, in this case infidelity, in my BU it was something else that did us in. I think I'm rambling but I just want to tell you all that reading your stories has shown me that real life has no take backs, and I think I always thought we all got second chances (I always asked for them and practically always gave them). I sound so naive I know, but... it's like a view into the grown up world and of how some consequences can never be undone and this has changed my life. I hope Fate never tests me like you all have been tested, though.

 

I have a lot of reflecting to do on many things I have read here.

 

Sophie: I admire you because it is never too late to the right thing. I have no advice except this and others are welcome to advise against it but if you love your husband, and only if, you have to tell him that. I read you here saying you want to save your marriage, want to keep your husband as a partner, etc. but I haven't read you say you LOVE HIM AND THERE IS NO OTHER MAN YOU COULD EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH LIKE HIM.

 

I think you are waaaaay behind in begging him like this. Appeal to his love, tell him you adore him and that you do not want to try and live without him. Tell him what you have told us, that even how he handled this has shown you the kind of man he is and that you were dumb in risking a man of his calibre for somebody worth the gum on his shoe. He will listen if only for ten minutes, if only while you chase him down the driveway. This is your husband, it is your family. If you love him, now is the time to show your desperation. Do NOT count on getting him back after a divorce, I can tell you that imho.

 

Idk. Everybody intervened so soundly and in such a grown up way that I am humbled by life and all I can say is Good Luck, may Fortune be with you after pulling out this integrity you didn't seem to have in your earlier posts. And back to the kiddie board with me just kidding!

 

 

There is another thread that talks about how can we teach young adults about the true nature of infidelity.

 

You must be an "old soul" to have garner so much life knowledge by reading the stories of another.

 

Sophie sharing her story did this. Laying bare some very ugly truths. Sharing a part of her that she is not proud of. Sharing her story, she should be proud of. She enlightened a person she doesn't even know. And you are but one of many.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I love this reasoning. Sophie, I realize you're hurting but this is said so often from almost all WSs. The response?

 

Yes you did throw him away by being so disrespectful that the thought of not getting caught was enough to completely betray him in the worst way possible. Well, what you don't know won't hurt you. That is the single most disrespectful thing a person can say about their spouse. That is implying they are stupid, not worth the truth, and so low in the eyes of the WS that sex with another is A-OK.

 

I'm sorry - but you absolutely did throw him away. You just never thought he'd know you did it and didn't care enough to be as considerate to him when he isn't next to you as you were when he was next to you.

 

I do believe you never thought about leaving your marriage, as it appears you never thought about your marriage at all.

 

Funny thing about marriage - it's voluntary. Many WSs feel that it just 'is' and are shocked and desperate when they realize that the BS can and may just walk away. I have no idea how that mindset creeps into a person's mind, but it does, too often.

 

 

For every lie she told her husband she told herself two.

 

You can see the lies she told herself.

 

Its much harder to see the lies that we tell ourselves. Adding to this, that she was only sharing these thoughts with MOM, who was not only reinforcing them, but rewarding them. It is easy to see how she came to believe the unbelievable.

[atreides]

 

Naively, I used to think perhaps how Sophie states that couples can make it through anything, and that when you are married you don't just throw in the towel over something like infidelity.

 

That misses the point, the towel was already thrown in by the infidelity.

 

 

I always assumed marriages that ended because of infidelity was more because the WS would actually go and leave with their AP.

 

 

Is it really a marriage while in an A or a lie? Tough question, either way they did leave the M whether it's 15 mins or 6 years with the AP. Whether they can truly come back into the M and are welcome back is the question.

 

Embarrassingly enough, though I am old enough (at 25) and what brought me to Loveshack was a break-up (no infidelity), tonight I realized that love does not forgive everything. It doesn't have to, but most importantly, it sometimes just can't.

 

This is off point by one step, the question needs to be why wasn't love enough to work any issue, large or small before betrayal? You are using love in the inverse, of after the fact and placing it all on the hopes of forgiveness rather than the preventative measure to be taken before actually betraying the one you love.

 

NO matter what the deal-breakers are, in this case infidelity, in my BU it was something else that did us in. I think I'm rambling but I just want to tell you all that reading your stories has shown me that real life has no take backs, and I think I always thought we all got second chances (I always asked for them and practically always gave them). I sound so naive I know, but... it's like a view into the grown up world and of how some consequences can never be undone and this has changed my life. I hope Fate never tests me like you all have been tested, though.

 

I have a lot of reflecting to do on many things I have read here.

 

It seems you have your own internal troubles and are dealing with them well, but you are heavily focused on forgiveness and that is an admiral trait in of itself but so much of what love can bring to the table is cheaply swept aside with infidelity. Whether honest about it or not, "thinking you will never get caught" is the lie they have in of themselves with love. It is one thing to have an answer to part of the question when the lie is confessed or ended voluntarily but quite another when we may never know the sincerity of it all. Where is the second chance in that? The BS never had a chance or a say in regards to the love in that it is beautiful sharing of oneself upon another that during its time of wavering was never asked sincerely "how can I love more?" Instead it was run away from.

 

You gave an assumption that you thought most affairs ended M because they would go off with the AP. You may never have definitive answers to that when we do not have voluntary ending of the A or confession. So many times they are caught. It then delves into cheaper emotions of "cake eating" or "wake up calls." The truth is that dynamics changed when caught, then the struggle to determine what one wants is challenged and ended prematurely. In the end we don't know and thus as you stated you read the thread, i have struggled with Sophie's sincerity going back and forth on it, I can only imagine what her H is thinking. She did however say she loved him in a post response to me.

 

Sophie: I admire you because it is never too late to the right thing. I have no advice except this and others are welcome to advise against it but if you love your husband, and only if, you have to tell him that. I read you here saying you want to save your marriage, want to keep your husband as a partner, etc. but I haven't read you say you LOVE HIM AND THERE IS NO OTHER MAN YOU COULD EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH LIKE HIM.

 

Yes she is doing the right things, and she has stated she loved him

 

I think you are waaaaay behind in begging him like this. Appeal to his love, tell him you adore him and that you do not want to try and live without him. Tell him what you have told us, that even how he handled this has shown you the kind of man he is and that you were dumb in risking a man of his calibre for somebody worth the gum on his shoe. He will listen if only for ten minutes, if only while you chase him down the driveway. This is your husband, it is your family. If you love him, now is the time to show your desperation. Do NOT count on getting him back after a divorce, I can tell you that imho.

 

 

aliveagain has a great point that he brings up from time to time. While Sophie's words can be as powerful as she wants them to be, they will never be as full until her H can get over the lie, they will ring hollow by themselves. "actions speak louder than words."

 

Idk. Everybody intervened so soundly and in such a grown up way that I am humbled by life and all I can say is Good Luck, may Fortune be with you after pulling out this integrity you didn't seem to have in your earlier posts. And back to the kiddie board with me just kidding!

 

Response in bold above.

 

I think you are more grown up then you give credit to yourself for, this post is far more mature than many and even some of my own.

[troubadour]

For every lie she told her husband she told herself two.

 

You can see the lies she told herself.

 

Its much harder to see the lies that we tell ourselves. Adding to this, that she was only sharing these thoughts with MOM, who was not only reinforcing them, but rewarding them. It is easy to see how she came to believe the unbelievable.

 

 

This thread is becoming comical.... it is only a matter of time before some posters start comparing Sophie to Mary Magdalene.

[atreides]

People asked Sophie why she did it. Your post misses the point. At the tine this was how she felt. And it is shared by many, many people and not just people who cheat. Obviously, Sophie realizes she was wrong and now is suffering the consequences of her actions. My only hope is that her husband in bein the judge does not also cause harm to his children. You can only destroy someone so much before it will trickle down to the children.

 

I don't understand why it is so hard for some people to accept this answer. It is the main reason I allowed myself to embark on my affair. If I had thought there was a good chance my husband would find out about my affair I would never have embarked on it. Because I didn't want him to be hurt by my sexual exploration. It is easy for me or sophie or any other wayward spouse to say that it was a selfiah and stupid and naive thought process. That "what you don't know doesn't hurt you" is a weak and pathetic excuse. And untrue. But when asked how we could do it in the time? That is very much the answer.

 

Affairs that have more of an emotional base. Where I love you is spoken. Where marital problems are invented or blown out of proportion. They are different. And if that is the affair you (universal) are dealing with then of course the "i didn't think I would get caught" doesn't cut it (though it is probably still one factor unless it is a true exit A where the perpitrator wants to get caught)

 

 

But it really is more than not "getting caught" both of you had ramp up time, time to calculate to think that brought you to the cliff's edge. Then finally calculating the jump. Both of you gave some reasons, I reread your story, such as depression and a sexless marriage you also had very powerful posts on reflection of yourself. You are a different poster today i would say, more confidence... only with time will Sophie reach that point whether forgiven or not. You also were on the brink of mental collapse and popping pills, you also confessed. By the way did you end it or your AP, another poster stated the latter?

I digress... I draw a line when confession or voluntary termination with confession occurs vs getting caught, i think the mental state even if the A is not completely over is trying to recover when confessed and trying to end it. That gave me some sincerity to believe in a bit with you.

 

Not getting caught more and more to me, while a simple conclusion has much more variable complexity to arriving at it. Nonetheless, risk is calculated and trade offs made even if the thought lasts a fraction of a second.

Also, the "not getting caught" only answers part of the question, it is a direct answer to what possible consequences may arise but does not answer the why and if only by a small fraction.

[atreides]

I did confess. and xMM did end it... sorta and not for the first time. His words "I think we have to behave right now. This isn't the time for us. But we will see what happens next time we are drunk. He ended things between us the day before my infamous camping trip. This was also after I stupidly had told him that i was seriously considering telling my husband (I wanted to give him a heads up to tell the truth, I now know that is a very bad, bad idea) and I was already taking more and more anti anxiety pills (subscribed to me for migrains).

 

Maybe if he hadn't ended things again we would have kept on going. I know he wanted to keep me in the wings until his new toy got taken away (which happened but they have a new one... Again). But I don't think I could have kept it up much longer. The urge to confess had been growing daily and i was a nervous wreck.

 

 

But it seems that you did in part end it or he initiated a thought with you that it could end and when the camping trip came of which you two got back together, thus not really ending it with you. His statement of being drunk i can only translate to not having sex that day but "hey when i have enough scotch in me tomorrow it's game on."

 

I did not have time to edit out the question you already answered in my last post... thanks for answering.

[Zenstudent]

People asked Sophie why she did it. Your post misses the point. At the tine this was how she felt. And it is shared by many, many people and not just people who cheat. Obviously, Sophie realizes she was wrong and now is suffering the consequences of her actions. My only hope is that her husband in bein the judge does not also cause harm to his children. You can only destroy someone so much before it will trickle down to the children.

 

I don't understand why it is so hard for some people to accept this answer. It is the main reason I allowed myself to embark on my affair. If I had thought there was a good chance my husband would find out about my affair I would never have embarked on it. Because I didn't want him to be hurt by my sexual exploration. It is easy for me or sophie or any other wayward spouse to say that it was a selfiah and stupid and naive thought process. That "what you don't know doesn't hurt you" is a weak and pathetic excuse. And untrue. But when asked how we could do it in the time? That is very much the answer.

 

Affairs that have more of an emotional base. Where I love you is spoken. Where marital problems are invented or blown out of proportion. They are different. And if that is the affair you (universal) are dealing with then of course the "i didn't think I would get caught" doesn't cut it (though it is probably still one factor unless it is a true exit A where the perpitrator wants to get caught)

I really like this post. I also liked the one it is a response to - the reason for this is that I think it gets really close to my wife's reasoning. What I got in addition was: "I'm not the type of person to think a lot before I act... so I just went along..."

 

And I agree with you, It sounds very much possible, but it's scary at the same time, which is why I still struggle with this bit 2½ years later. What on earth will it take to prevent it from happening again???

 

I'm bored, check - opportunity present, check - I'll be more carefull not to be caught, check - I don't think a lot about consequence or if it's fair to H or not, check - GO!

 

It makes her a very unsafe person to be with, leading to holding back emotions, preparing for the next time, leading to indifference in order to not get hurt next time, which is also very bad for the marriage.

 

So what does a WS come up with in a case like this? How does one create a safe environment?

[atreides]

If I had thought there was a good chance my husband would find out about my affair I would never have embarked on it.

 

that is actually quite scary, it means the problem is still there but the time is not right yet to act on it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I really like this post. I also liked the one it is a response to - the reason for this is that I think it gets really close to my wife's reasoning. What I got in addition was: "I'm not the type of person to think a lot before I act... so I just went along..."

 

And I agree with you, It sounds very much possible, but it's scary at the same time, which is why I still struggle with this bit 2½ years later. What on earth will it take to prevent it from happening again???

 

I'm bored, check - opportunity present, check - I'll be more carefull not to be caught, check - I don't think a lot about consequence or if it's fair to H or not, check - GO!

 

It makes her a very unsafe person to be with, leading to holding back emotions, preparing for the next time, leading to indifference in order to not get hurt next time, which is also very bad for the marriage.

 

So what does a WS come up with in a case like this? How does one create a safe environment?

 

 

That is why it is so important for the WS (actually everyone) to seek out therapy to help locate the "faulty wiring". And remove and replace it with healthy thought processes. Ones that they are aware of, living consciously. Most don't live consciously regardless of whether one is wayward or not.

 

If one works on themselves, they become safe with themselves, which transfers (through actions) that they are safe for others.

 

You will be able to see them make different choices than they had in the past. You will see them behave differently (ie flirting).

 

I think the most telling aspect of whether someone is becoming safe, is how they view their previous actions. Do they view it as having done something to someone else ONLY. Or do they view it as they personally lost something (ie Self Respect, Integrity etc). If they felt the pain, it is usually felt more profoundly than just viewing it as someone elses pain.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I always cared about my marriage and I never for a second ever thought about leaving my husband. My affair started out as more of an emotional affair and it became physical about the last 3 months of the affair. It was exciting and intoxicating I had chance to stop the affair but I just couldn’t I was really addicted to all the lovey dovey text and Secret meetings . I knew it was wrong but I thought if I was careful no one would find out and no one would get hurt. I was really in a fantasy. It was like high school all over again we didn’t have to worry about anything just about us. Obviously I wasn’t thinking straight. I knew if my husband found out there would be a fall out but It never crossed my mind that he would actually leave me we been together for so long I thought he would always be there. I took him for granted and now I’m paying the price.

 

The emotional part of my affair wasn’t so that I loved my AP. He just made me feel wanted and desired. Around this time my husband and I stared speeding less time together. My husband around this time knew his firm was looking for a new partner and he wanted it so he stared working harder and longer hours. To his credit he did tell and we talked about and I agreed. I guess my marriage was somewhat in a rut it wasn’t a bad marriage it just lost its spark. Which lead me to make some seriously bad choices which I truly regret ever making I truly want this marriage to work from the bottom of my heart because I love my husband and I want be with him.

 

Well is not possible to maintain that spark every day of your life or marriage they will be times were things will become difficult and you will hit dumps in the road and I also understand that. The only difference was this time I let some get too close to me and I never stopped it. I just got caught up in something that wasn’t real.

 

I told how the affair stared how it went to flirting to text messages and phone calls and how we then stared meeting each other for lunch dates. I went on to say how the affair went from EA to PA in June on our first business trip together. We both decided to go the bar in the hotel room one night. We both had a little too much to drink and it lead to us in his hotel room. I also told her we would meet again once more in July and we weren’t drunk this time and we what we were doing and we were going to hook up once more in July but we didn’t because we weren’t able to. I also told her about the last in August and how that the night my husband called the hotel and that’s the night we also end the affair. .....

I lost a really good friend to day this affair is without a doubt the biggest mistake of my life.

 

I did have a lot of guilty. After the first time the affair went physical I cried for weeks I couldn’t believe what I just did and I did feel extremely guilty .The thing about it was the guilty was the worse when I wasn’t around my exmm. When I was around the exmm for some reason the guilty would just leave and it would only be me and him and it wasn’t only when we had sex it was in everything we did. When WS say the affair is like a high its TRUE. I knew I shouldn’t have been texting or talking to him but I need to. When everything came full circle is when I realized how stupid I have been.

 

I just read through all 37 pages of this thread. As a BS, you have not adequately answered the key question that is required for reconciliation: Why? All of these responses that you have given in this thread are void of any real depth and soul searching. These entries are textbook WS responses to the point that it has become a cliche.

 

It's a good start, but as a BS, I'd expect a LOT more than "lost its spark", "bumps in the road", "rut", "too much to drink", "made me feel wanted and desired", "it was like high school all over again", etc.

 

You have not stated what it was about YOU that made YOU cheat on your husband. Something deep inside you made it OK for you to have sex with another man; who happens to be your boss (double taboo). Sleeping with your boss is another big No-No. If it is all about the "bumps in the road" and "lost it spark" blah blah then what assurance is there for your husband that you won't cheat the next time there is a "rut" or "bump in the road"?

 

Guess what? Every marriage has "ruts", "bumps in the road". Every spouse wants to feel wanted and desired". Now your husband definitely doesn't feel wanted or desired. You were banging your boss on business trips.

 

Let's add up the collateral damage:

1 - You marriage is over

2 - Your husband has been severely hurt and damaged as a person, husband, and a father

3 - Your kids will have a split family

4 - You lost your job and sullied your reputation

5 - Your ex-MM lost his job and sullied his reputation

6 - Ex-MM's BW is negatively affected

7 - Ex-MM's kids are negatively affected

8 - You lost a friend (Ex-MM's wife)

9 - Your going to pay $1,000s to lawyers and counselors and numerous other extra expenses

 

And your answer so far is "I knew it was wrong but I thought if I was careful no one would find out and no one would get hurt. "

 

Continue your IC because it will take time to be able to honestly answer the "Why" question.

 

I'm not posting this you beat you up. I am pointing out the price that you are paying for your affair. And the price that others are going to pay. Something inside of you said it was worth it. Getting caught or not getting caught: you sold yourself out. You sold your marriage out. You sold you husband and marriage out. For what, meaningless hotel sex romps? Or was it meaningful? It was meaningful enough to risk two marriages/families.

 

One of the most painful things about my wife's affair (which is very similar to yours) is that I was expendable. Our marriage was expendable. As I'm writing this I just realized that this time 14 years ago my wife started her "just two friends having a meal together" lunch dates with her soon-to-be OM. Even though that all occurred 14 years ago, thinking about how expendable I was still hurts.

[Sparty97]

Sofie

 

Why do you want to save your marriage if having an affair was enough reason to destroy it?

 

 

You say that as if an affair is nothing.

[Furious]

You say that as if an affair is nothing.

 

I re-worded my question to Sofie a couple of posts after that.

 

What I meant is if your marriage and husband meant so much to you why then did you risk it by having an affair and potentially destroying your husband and family.

[road]

I re-worded my question to Sofie a couple of posts after that.

 

What I meant is if your marriage and husband meant so much to you why then did you risk it by having an affair and potentially destroying your husband and family.

 

 

As all WS's say I will never get caught. What they do not know will not hurt them.

[Scott Thomas]

Dear Sophie,

 

 

I understand that this is probably the most difficult situation you have faced so far. The fact that you created it only complicates matters. However, must ask yourself a few tough questions:

 

1. Is there a psychological/emotional reason behind your affair? Why did you forsake your husband? Stating that 'I didn't think I would get caught while I experimented with another man' is not enough. It may take you several sessions of counselling to reach this answer.

 

2. When you married, you promised your husband that you would never forsake him. It took months for the EA to culminate into a PA: you spent hours planning and executing everything. During all those hours, did you, for a single moment, think there was a slight chance the affair may be discovered? Were you so naive to presume that the affair would not end your marriage?

 

3. Since you're devastated at the prospect of losing your husband, why didn't you think about him before you slept with the Other Man? At some point, you made a conscious decision to sleep with the OM and discarded any guilt/ thought about your husband and children.

 

4. Now that you are in the middle of a divorce, why do you want to work on your marriage. Are you afraid of losing your husband to another woman? Does the prospect of your children growing up in a torn home with step-parents frighten you? Why wasn't your husband attractive enough BEFORE the affair?

 

5. At any point in the future, will you cheat if you feel bored or another man pays some attention while your husband is preoccupied? Why should your husband trust you again? He could proceed with the divorce and then date/marry/start a family with another woman. Why should your husband forgive you? (Instead of finding another woman). This question seems cruel but chances are that you'll have to face this scenario unless your husband changes his mind. If you were a neutral observer, how would you advise him?

 

It is possible that your husband may have the same questions and may come up with his own conclusions. He may question your motives for reconciling. 'I love you' will not be enough. He may ask why this 'love' wasn't enough to prevent the affair in the first place.

 

 

These are questions that you have to answer for your own sake. I can see that some posters have focused and 'dumped' their frustrations on your thread. You may ignore these posts but the questions I've asked need to be answered during reconciliation.

 

I have absolutely no desire in augmenting the problems and conflicting emotions you are feeling, and hope that your husband forgives you and reconciles. At the moment, I doubt that this will happen and fear that you are heading towards an inevitable divorce. However, before you can move forward, a self-analysis will help you identify your own shortcomings and help you mature as an individual. Even if your marriage ends, you will have to maintain contact with your husband because of your children. Your own children may confront you about your affair in the distant future.

 

At the same time, I do feel that you are genuinely remorseful. However, that remorse serves no purpose unless you act and try to 'win' your husband. Previous posters have asked you to stop 'hiding' and act pre-emptively to earn your husband's forgiveness. That (including begging him) has to start now.

 

Good Luck! Hopefully, your husband will forgive you.

 

 

 

You don't know who is important to you until you actually lose them.

― Mahatma Gandhi

 

 

Give sorrow words and deeds; the grief that does not speak or acts, knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.

― William Shakespeare, Macbeth

[HopingAgain]

Because it isn't an answer. The question is why. The response in question answers why you went through with it, but not why you wanted it at all. It's a garbage answer, and incredibly disrespectful. So the question again - WHY? Why did you 'forget' you were married and loved your spouse? WHY did you fall out of love with your spouse to the point that devastating them was left to chance and a childlike 'what they don't know' rational to going through with it.

 

All WSs say this, or most I should say. It does NOT answer the question of why a person cheats, why they felt no remorse for their spouse while lying naked in the arms of another person, or whispering sweet nothings in their ear. How did a cheater feel nothing at all for the BS when they actively and intentionally shattered their spouse? How they found it 'fun' to sneak around like a child hoping not to get caught, like it's a game. Why did this appeal to them? Why did betraying the person they claim to love appeal to them?

 

Saying "i didn't think I'd get caught" helps explain why you took your pants off. It doesn't explain why you wanted to take them off, or why it didn't matter to you that there was someone that will be crushed when you take them off and allow another to be with you in a way that was supposed to be reserved for them. It doesn't answer the question that is at the heart of every BSs why - Why didn't I matter to you?

 

Wow, this is so true. I think these questions are the hardest of all for a WS to answer. And it's because the answer is not about the BS... its about something inside of them that they don't want to confront.

[Scott Thomas]

While I feel that Sophie is very remorseful and deserves her husband's eventual forgiveness, I do feel that most WW's (a few posted in this forum) could read this thread and realise how lucky they are if they have been forgiven.

To the MOW's in the OW Section, this thread should serve as a warning. But I doubt they'll pay any attention, probably the affair fog playing its part.

 

Sophie, could you ask your husband to read some books about infidelity? I founds "Women's infidelity" by Michelle Langley and "When Good people have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum particularly useful. If not, you could at least read these yourself.

[Sofie2013]

Ok so my sister came by and picked up the twins. They have a sleep over with their cousins. They should be gone till Sunday morning.

 

After thinking and going over everything in my head. I decided to go for it to night. I’m going to put all out and in the open. I wrote him another letter to him in which I plan to read to him. I do feel extremely nervous and anxious part of me does happy. I’m feeling a mixture of many emotions. I don’t know how he’s going to react or what’s going after tonight all I know is that I have to do this now I have already waited long enough. I have had a full month to do what I’m going to do now why have I waited so long I don’t know it might be too late now. I hope it not but I have to try and I hope to God he realizes that am truly sorry for the pain I have caused and that I am willing to do anything to make right. That I do want to be with him and only him and that I regret what I have done to us and him.

 

Thank you again for all the advice. I will be back later to answer the last few questions. Thanks again.

[lindsay1990]

Good luck Sofie!

 

If he doesn't let you read it then just improvise, remember he can't close his ears so he will hear you, like I said, even if you're pleading as he's leaving. Do NOT try to explain the affair at this point is my advice, he needs to hear first that you are sorry and don't want him to leave you. From what you have said so far, from his point of view it could look like you are not even that bothered that you got caught or that he's divorcing you. Mainly, because I think he was expecting to see some devastating remorse or something. Idk.

 

But good luck. If he gets angry or riled up or passionate about it just let him get emotional, maybe you will become more emotional and things will be clearer. And as somebody else said, if he gets passionate (even in anger) and you have the chance for sex, take it.

[janedoe67]

It doesn't answer the question that is at the heart of every BSs why - Why didn't I matter to you?

 

My answer for this question would have been:

 

Because no matter how hard I tried and how much I begged and how long I waited....I didn't matter to YOU (BH)

 

But it's a moot answer because no matter how much I didn't matter....my choice to cheat was still wrong. His lack of care for me was NOT an excuse my for lack of care for him and my betrayal of him.

[aliveagain]

Ok so my sister came by and picked up the twins. They have a sleep over with their cousins. They should be gone till Sunday morning.

 

After thinking and going over everything in my head. I decided to go for it to night. I’m going to put all out and in the open. I wrote him another letter to him in which I plan to read to him. I do feel extremely nervous and anxious part of me does happy. I’m feeling a mixture of many emotions. I don’t know how he’s going to react or what’s going after tonight all I know is that I have to do this now I have already waited long enough. I have had a full month to do what I’m going to do now why have I waited so long I don’t know it might be too late now. I hope it not but I have to try and I hope to God he realizes that am truly sorry for the pain I have caused and that I am willing to do anything to make right. That I do want to be with him and only him and that I regret what I have done to us and him.

 

Thank you again for all the advice. I will be back later to answer the last few questions. Thanks again.

 

 

Hope it all goes well for you, sending you good jujube, may the universe smile on you tonight. ((((Sofie2013))))

[lindsay1990]

Hmm.. that sounds kind of manipulative.

 

And may only complicate matters. Decisions made from passion are what got her in trouble in the first place.

 

I think you're thinking of this as some sort of "magic moment" in the making. I don't think you realize that the BH may have many layers of the distrust, disgust and disdain for his wife. He seems like a man who respects himself and thinks things through.

 

I don't think it's manipulative at all. From what I've read it a very normal coping mechanism for the BS that can help re-bond him to his WS, specially for males. and if she has the chance, the last thing she should do is make her husband feel rejected to his face. It is a legitimate tool, or so I've read, that can help the couple either kickstart or push through part of the process after DDay. If she gets through to him tonight, I think she should be willing to do whatever he lets on that he needs, be it answering questions or asserting his 'claim' over her, because if she does eventually get through to him, obviously this man has/is going through a lot in silence and whatever means he expresses himself to Sofie now and reengages, I think is a step forward.

Edited October 5, 2013 by lindsay1990

[petee]

Well Sophie, as there was no late night entry by you last night I am really hoping you've made a night of it....and are on the road to sorting it out and recovering your marriage.

A lot of good people on this site want this and from what you say you deserve it.

[Scott Thomas]

Sophie,

 

I hope everything went well and you succeeded in your efforts for the night.

I stumbled across this quote a few years ago.

 

 

“The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.”

John Wooden.

 

In a previous post, you mentioned that you cheated because you thought that your husband would never catch you. In other words, you believed that your husband was not 'watching'.

 

If I asked you to come up with an articulate answer pertaining to the philosophical implications of this quote, how would you respond?

[janedoe67]

Sophie,

 

I hope everything went well and you succeeded in your efforts for the night.

I stumbled across this quote a few years ago.

 

 

“The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.”

John Wooden.

 

In a previous post, you mentioned that you cheated because you thought that your husband would never catch you. In other words, you believed that your husband was not 'watching'.

 

If I asked you to come up with an articulate answer pertaining to the philosophical implications of this quote, how would you respond?

 

I'm not the OP but I'll bite. When I was unfaithful, my character during the A was very poor. There's no denying that. I failed the test miserably.

 

The next question is this:

 

Does a portion of my life that was radically different (in a bad way) from the other 40 something years of my life define my permanent true character, or can one change one's character?

 

That is the crux of the matter in some ways. There are those who believe that infidelity can be an aberration, and there are those who believe that no matter how good a WS's character was before the A or becomes again after the A - it is only the A that matters. In other words, though "good people" can do all manner of things and still be "good people" again.....an affair means you never were good and never will be good again. Lots of those people post on forums, and I always HOPE that they are divorced because I wouldn't want to be their spouse - erm - permanent scapegoat.