He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[janedoe67]

Eyes.Wide.Open.At.All.Times.

 

This sums up just about all the best ways to protect oneself from having an affair. The others fall under "do not assume you are above it."

[AlwaysGrowing]

I believe most people have the potential to fall into an affair.

Most affairs that are happening today are due to vulnerabilities-poor coping skills-willing affair partner-boundary crossing. Perfect Storm.

 

The belief that affairs are still about a smarmy, office executive, sweeping the secretary off her feet is old school.

 

Men and women work closely in a multitude of work environments. People often say they have boundaries, which I believe they do. What they don't have in place is consequences for crossing a boundary, either for themselves or for the other person.

 

The social stigma of being an ap for some, does not matter. We have all seen some ap proud of their role, even to go as far as saying they are doing the married couple a favour and are actually keeping the couple together.

[janedoe67]

I kind of agree. I have been battling with low self-esteem issues. Mostly because I feel really old and not as attractive as I once was. Plus the extras weight I have put also hasn’t helped. So yeah my self-esteem is was low before the affair. Having another guy want me, give me a big ego boost and enjoyed the extra attention. Now I feel even worse than before.

 

 

This is painful, but I think it is an important truth. I was the same way. What we think will "feel good" is extremely bitter in the end because something that is wrong, no matter how shiny it looks, is ALWAYS bitter in the end to people of conscience.

 

I think a lot of WS's try to run from these "humiliating" feelings, but I think we have to work through them in order to really change. There is a REASON we are wired to feel BAD about doing something wrong. That is a good warning system we should heed.

[Sparty97]

I have been following your story from the get go Sophie, and I am glad things are turning around for you. I am certain that any legal actions your husband had planned of using adultery against you were thrown out the window when he decided to have sex with you. To my understanding, if a BS has sex with the WS after dday, then the court assumes the BS has forgiven the WS, therefore the BS cannot use adultery against the WS in the court anymore. He should be aware of this, so thats another good sign things are moving forward. If he was really serious about the divorce and making sure things go in his favour, he wouldn't have been willing to lose his "ammo" to be intimate with you.

 

You are assuming he would admit to sex with her, or that she has evidence.

[Sofie2013]

So as I was reading through my thread one questions that still pops up is the “WHY”.

 

I still don’t know “WHY” I had an affair. Thankful my husband never asked this question. The more t I think about there really isn’t reason to have an affair. Any reason I come up with can be seen as me trying to justify my actions. The fact is there is no justification for what I did and any reason I do come up with will all ways come down to me being selfish. Now I didn’t go looking for an affair like I said it stared out as EA. At the time I didn’t even know what I was doing. We stared out just texting about work then we stared to flirt over text messages. As more time passed I stared crossing more boundaries. It went from flirting only in texts to actually flirting in real life. Throughout that whole process I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong and I didn’t feel guilty because I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. Then in June during our business trip we finished work early and had a day to ourselves we spent that whole day together. We later went to dinner with a few other friends we both decided to get drinks just the two of us. We both got drunk and it lead to us having sex. From that point forward the guilty and shame did come into play and I knew what I was doing was wrong but I never stopped. Why because I wanted it to continue I was getting such a rush and an ego boost. I justified everything by thinking if he doesn’t know then it can’t hurt him and he won’t ever find out so I won’t ever have to worry about that. I was in my own world my own fantasy. Then when I knew he knew was when it all hit me and stared to realized just what my selfish actions had caused.

[miguelcervantes]

Hi Sofie, I have been following your thread and I am glad for you that things might improve (although you still have a long way to go). The simple truth is that we all like to do naughty things that give us a rush - I can certainly see myself being caught up in your situation - low esteem, bonding with someone, having the free time on a business trip, alcohol, no immediate worries and finally the promise of no strings sex! However, some naughty things have a much more destructive impact then others and it is in getting ourselves to trigger on certain boundaries being crossed that makes us good functional people. You need to realise and I think you do now, that the situation described above was a major boundary and you should have been triggering like mad. There will be others in future and you need to be really aware and prepared. I really do believe that you will be and am hoping your husband will give you the opportunity to show him this. Remember that he is going to be on a roller coaster of triggers and emotions and that this is far from over. You need to stick to repairing yourself not just for him but for yourself too. Keep up the good work and your ability to empathise with him and show true remorse is what will get you through this. God bless and the best of luck to you.

[Sofie2013]

That is absolutely crazy. So cheating wife gets what she wants yet again. [And without so much pain & suffering, from what I can tell.] I'm starting to think these H who are so okay with this kinda stuff deserve to be cheated. It is really puzzling ... [i guess he will have to hope you won't feel the way you did, during the affair, down the road.]

 

I would like to clear a few things up. Nothing has changed when it comes to the divorce. My husband still plans to move and to go through with the divorce. The thing that has changed is the way we act wrong each other and it for the better. So I haven’t gotten what “I want yet” I still I have a long way to go and even then I might never be able to put all the pieces together and save my family. Trust me the knowing and living with what I did and have caused it eats up at me every day and it doesn’t get easier it just gets harder.