He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[Oberfeldwebel]

Sofie,

 

How did the meeting go with the attorney? Are you still on track to speak with OMW? I know that emotions are high right now and may look bleak, but you need to hang in there and be consistent in what you say and do. Your husband is obviously hurt and on a roller coaster of emotions, even though he may seem calm. This is going to have to play out a little bit, but I wonder if going to counseling for you would not be helpful? It is possible that it may give you insight to what happened and may prove to be a segue to marriage counseling.

 

If you could ever get him to counseling, there is a real chance that this marriage could be saved. What is your relationship with his family? Is it possible that you could get them or a friend to intervene on your behalf? How are the boys handling the situation? You need to make them a bigger focus, in the event of a separation.

[happyman64]

Sofie

 

Do you realize that is the first time you clearly said you love your husband since you started this thread.

 

If it took you this long to tell us you love your husband think how lonely and lost your husband feels after these past 6 months.

 

Because if you were that infatuated with the OM this much your husband clearly saw right through you.

 

Fight for your marriage. Do not fight with your husband.

 

How did your meeting with your lawyer go?

 

Did you tell your parents yet?

 

HM

[road]

It's legitimate to ask Sophie why she had the sudden change of heart because it's probably the most basic question her husband will have. She will need to have an answer. So far she hasn't even answered us. As I said previously, she needs an answer for why she cheated and why she wants to reconcile. Perhaps the "I didn't think I would get caught" one is the best. It's probably the honest answer and doesn't blameshift.

 

Without meaning any offense, Coolit, your H is an anomaly. Most WW have to answer these types of questions about a hundred times and in a hundred different ways. I don't mean to discount your difficulties but compared to most BH's, yours let you off easy. I credit him for instinctively knowing that it wasn't about him. Sophie shouldn't remotely expect a similar reaction. She needs answers, and good ones.

 

 

The why a WW cheated is never important. They made a decision that was never justifiable.

 

Fact most WW's and WH's when having an affair never intend to leave their marriage. Cake and eating.

[atreides]

I like your honesty in this post. I just want to point out, that if you believe there should be a spark in your marriage every single day, 24/7/365, you might get disappointed.

 

You nailed it, it is so sad the mentality that if "i don't have or feel enough x,y or z" I am going to cheat to get it. Part of life is when you are emotionally satisfied that must also be balanced by when you don't, it makes us stronger as a person, the hard times is what helps define and shape us.

[atreides]

The why a WW cheated is never important. They made a decision that was never justifiable.

 

Fact most WW's and WH's when having an affair never intend to leave their marriage. Cake and eating.

 

I would say that of most men who cheat, but not with the women at least in most of the infidelity i have seen. I find that the women truly checkout not all but most of the time, vs a short sexual fling with no real strings or attachments.

[atreides]

I truly want this marriage to work from the bottom of my heart because I love my husband and I want be with him.

 

 

Then I hope you can convince him of that, I truly do. Best of luck to you.

[BetrayedH]

The why a WW cheated is never important. They made a decision that was never justifiable.

 

Fact most WW's and WH's when having an affair never intend to leave their marriage. Cake and eating.

 

I would tend to agree that the "why" is fairly straightforward to us veterans. However, her BS (and most rookies BSs) absolutely struggle with understanding why their spouse would cheat. In this case, Sophie herself says her marriage was fine. He will want to understand. She will need to be introspective enough about herself to identify why she chose this coping mechanism so that she can more readily avoid those behaviors in the future and her husband can feel less likely to suffer a repeat performance. Was she conflict-avoidant? Too much in need of external validation? Self-entitled? How did she get that way? What can she do to solve those problems? If she can dig deep enough and find some of those answers, her H might have some hope in her. IMO, the first step is to get into IC.

 

Tragically, many waywards list marital issues as part of their "why." This leaves the BS wondering what will happen with the WS the next time that life isn't perfect. It leaves the BS with the impossible task of being 100% responsible for the WS's happiness and "emotional needs." Waywards need to "get it" that life isn't perfect and you still have to keep your commitments. You're responsible for your own happiness. Cheating doesn't solve a damn thing. It's illogical. It's unethical. It's horribly destructive. It probably violated Sophie's own standards. So why would she do such a thing? It doesn't matter what you and I think but I'd bet my savings that Sophie's husband is gonna want a decent answer or else.

[atreides]

He will want to understand. She will need to be introspective enough about herself to identify why she chose this coping mechanism so that she can more readily avoid those behaviors in the future and her husband can feel less likely to suffer a repeat performance.

 

But I struggle with seeing the validity of "if she cheats again." The whole "once a cheater, always a cheater." To me that argument is irrelevant, the cheat already happened, whether it happens again is not the point. You have to get past the why, when, how and where for the act of infidelity. Basically if they fail to understand the above questions, there is no point in worrying if infidelity will occur again as it voids any real R or need to worry further.

[BetrayedH]

But I struggle with seeing the validity of "if she cheats again." The whole "once a cheater, always a cheater." To me that argument is irrelevant, the cheat already happened, whether it happens again is not the point. You have to get past the why, when, how and where for the act of infidelity. Basically if they fail to understand the above questions, there is no point in worrying if infidelity will occur again as it voids any real R or need to worry further.

 

I don't think I am following you. Perhaps we're just on different wavelengths.

 

I think the "why" is critical when it comes to rebuilding trust. I don't believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mantra IF the wayward learns from their mistakes (hence the suggestion for IC and introspection about her personal "why"). Most (all?) BSs fear a repeat performance if they decide to forgive an indisretion the first time. Something need to change so history doesn't repeat itself. So what is Sophie going to learn and change?

 

But mostly, I think I am missing your point.

[Chi townD]

okay, but what has been happening? Have you written the letter and leave it for him? Did you get any reaction or did he just rip it up? Have you asked about counseling? Sought counseling for yourself? Have you inquired about a post-nup? Is he even talking to you?

[janedoe67]

I don't think I am following you. Perhaps we're just on different wavelengths.

 

I think the "why" is critical when it comes to rebuilding trust. I don't believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mantra IF the wayward learns from their mistakes (hence the suggestion for IC and introspection about her personal "why"). Most (all?) BSs fear a repeat performance if they decide to forgive an indisretion the first time. Something need to change so history doesn't repeat itself. So what is Sophie going to learn and change?

 

But mostly, I think I am missing your point.

 

I agree. I no longer drink the strictly behaviorist kool aid. Changing outward behavior with no remorse or understanding of one's self...well it's like putting a dress on hair bow on a pig. It's like slapping a new roof and coat of paint on a house that has been ravaged inside.

 

I can testify personally to the fact that just "quitting the affair, coming back, and making sure you follow the rules," is not sufficient for authentic recovery, and if some deep personal work AND marital work (where necessary) is not done....there IS a vulnerability for it to happen again. We are not programmable functioning robots. True change MUST happen in the inside too.

[atreides]

I don't think I am following you. Perhaps we're just on different wavelengths.

 

I think the "why" is critical when it comes to rebuilding trust. I don't believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mantra IF the wayward learns from their mistakes (hence the suggestion for IC and introspection about her personal "why"). Most (all?) BSs fear a repeat performance if they decide to forgive an indisretion the first time. Something need to change so history doesn't repeat itself. So what is Sophie going to learn and change?

 

But mostly, I think I am missing your point.

 

We actually agree and i agree with janedo67, their post is spot on. when you stated " in the future and her husband can feel less likely to suffer a repeat performance"

to me that was made most important vs really healing. basically if one digs deep and find themselves, there is not point of worrying about a repeat cheat. the context should not be "if the cheat again in other words"

[BetrayedH]

We actually agree and i agree with janedo67, their post is spot on. when you stated " in the future and her husband can feel less likely to suffer a repeat performance"

to me that was made most important vs really healing. basically if one digs deep and find themselves, there is not point of worrying about a repeat cheat. the context should not be "if the cheat again in other words"

 

I hear you (and Jane). If real internal change (healing, as you might say) happens, the worry about future cheating is vastly diminished.

 

To Jane's point, I also think that marital improvement can happen at the same time. Many couples manage to multi task. But it's key to avoid blameshifting the affair onto marital problems so sometimes MC has to take a backseat until IC for the wayward has shown some progress.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie,

 

How did the meeting go with the attorney? Are you still on track to speak with OMW? I know that emotions are high right now and may look bleak, but you need to hang in there and be consistent in what you say and do. Your husband is obviously hurt and on a roller coaster of emotions, even though he may seem calm. This is going to have to play out a little bit, but I wonder if going to counseling for you would not be helpful? It is possible that it may give you insight to what happened and may prove to be a segue to marriage counseling.

 

If you could ever get him to counseling, there is a real chance that this marriage could be saved. What is your relationship with his family? Is it possible that you could get them or a friend to intervene on your behalf? How are the boys handling the situation? You need to make them a bigger focus, in the event of a separation.

 

The meeting with the lawyer went well we really didn’t have that much time to talk. I will see her again on Monday. I still plan on speaking to the OMW today we set the date for around 3. Emotionally I’m doing ok. It’s a lot easier to control myself at work at home it becomes a lot harder. I do plan on going to counseling and maybe for the kids too if they need it. I don’t know how much it would help but it worth a try. As for marriage counseling for me and my husband doesn’t seem possible as of now since he just ignoring me unless it’s about the kids.

 

My husband doesn’t really have a family only his brother. His father was never in the picture and his mother was in and out throughout his life I onlymeet her once. His grandparents were the closest thing to parents but sadly both have passed away. My husband and his brother have a strange relationship even though both them care for each other he won’t get much or any emotional support from his brother it’s just the way they are.

 

The kids seem to doing fine as of now. I’m worried about how this well affect them.

[Sofie2013]

I like your honesty in this post. I just want to point out, that if you believe there should be a spark in your marriage every single day, 24/7/365, you might get disappointed.

 

Well is not possible to maintain that spark every day of your life or marriage they will be times were things will become difficult and you will hit dumps in the road and I also understand that. The only difference was this time I let some get too close to me and I never stopped it. I just got caught up in something that wasn’t real.

[Sofie2013]

okay, but what has been happening? Have you written the letter and leave it for him? Did you get any reaction or did he just rip it up? Have you asked about counseling? Sought counseling for yourself? Have you inquired about a post-nup? Is he even talking to you?

 

I didn’t get a chance to finish the letter I plan to finish it tonight. I did leave the timeline I wrote him a few days ago. I don’t know what he did with it so no reaction as of yet. He’s still not talking to me sono. we did however watch a movie with the kids. It was nice to have the four ustogether.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

My husband doesn’t really have a family only his brother. His father was never in the picture and his mother was in and out throughout his life I onlymeet her once. His grandparents were the closest thing to parents but sadly both have passed away. My husband and his brother have a strange relationship even though both them care for each other he won’t get much or any emotional support from his brother it’s just the way they are.

 

Could it be that he has not had someone in his life that he could rely on? Maybe he saw you as the one person he could trust and to be there for him. He didn't receive a sense of security from his family, so maybe he put a lot of that value on his marriage.

 

If so, the his FOO makes this betrayal that much more painful. You took away his sense of security and trust. He will never fully recover from this blow.

[odinseye]

Even if you confess, if your husband is like me then you are in danger. Not from him getting physical with you but from all the information he has gathered, he can cause problems for your boyfriend and you in your respective career's, I did for my wife boyfriend, his marital life again I did, I really enjoyed tearing his life apart, I proved to my wife that I was not above finding her in a compromising situation and making sure everyone saw it. Even her mother, if her father was still alive he would have seen to.

I turned mean, vindictive, and into a barbarian in her view.

My father thinks that I was a jackass, destroyed another man just to prove I was as important as he was, I don't know how others with a cheating spouse feel, but revenge is a dish served cold. Told my father that if I had my choice he would have been placed on a donkey and paraded down the main street with no cloths on.

[aliveagain]

Well is not possible to maintain that spark every day of your life or marriage they will be times were things will become difficult and you will hit dumps in the road and I also understand that. The only difference was this time I let some get too close to me and I never stopped it. I just got caught up in something that wasn’t real.

 

Never put the happiness of friends or coworkers before the happiness of your spouse just to keep their attention in your life. Outsiders constantly try to intrude on our happiness by attempting to undermine it for their own selfish needs. Couples that have successful marriages have boundaries and expectations for those outside of their relationship, trust never becomes an issue because they always have each others back. You wouldn't be the first unhappy wife who was pursued by a predator at work that showed her the affection that she thought was missing from her husband.

 

When your husband is ready to talk, try not to focus too much attention on the few things that caused conflict in your marriage or your whole marriage will seem like conflict. All marriages have conflict. Remind yourself why you chose him as your spouse, tell him that those are the same reasons you want to stay with him. Your actions are the only thing he will believe from you at this time, exposing O/M to his wife, changing your job, independent counseling to find what's broken in you so you never put your family at risk again, complete transparency. You may want to offer him a postnuptial agreement giving him most of the marital assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Accept all blame.

[Yesterday]

Sofia2013

I've been watching posts on this site for a few months to see how I should handle my own wife's infidelity.

 

I am sorry that you are in this situation, and your life will never be the same going forward.

 

From what you have said about your husband, I am not sure a letter will do anything at this point, it may later but not now. Your husband is too hurt and has all he needs to know about what you have done. Telling him more, or how you feel, or explaining your sincerity will fall on deaf ears.

 

He has given you a way to talk with him, he will talk about the kids. Frankly, they should be your focus at this point anyway. What you have done affects them for the rest of their lives.

 

You need develop your own input and sit down with him to discuss how to make the best of this situation for them. No matter which way this goes, the boys will be shared. At the very least, this will open your communication with him. If he sees your sincerity about the boys, he might just let you in a bit.

 

Good luck with your afternoon meeting.

 

Yesterday

[Sofie2013]

Could it be that he has not had someone in his life that he could rely on? Maybe he saw you as the one person he could trust and to be there for him. He didn't receive a sense of security from his family, so maybe he put a lot of that value on his marriage.

 

If so, the his FOO makes this betrayal that much more painful. You took away his sense of security and trust. He will never fully recover from this blow.

 

I would agree with everything you just said. What sad about all of this is it never crossed my mind not once. I never thought how damage I could cause to him or how much pain I would cause. I’m only staring to realize just how damage my actions have caused. I wished I would have seen how destructive thisall would have been.

[Chi townD]

I didn’t get a chance to finish the letter I plan to finish it tonight. I did leave the timeline I wrote him a few days ago. I don’t know what he did with it so no reaction as of yet. He’s still not talking to me sono. we did however watch a movie with the kids. It was nice to have the four ustogether.

 

Okay, here's the deal. This isn't about you anymore. You screwed up bad; you know it and we know it. Now, I think what you need to do is let people here know the behavior of your husband. What he's doing, what he isn't doing. There are a lot of betrayed spouses on here that can read his behavior (because we've been through it) and give you advice on what might be your best course of action.

 

Personally, I wouldn't tell your husband that you talked to a lawyer. To him, it will look like you put up a front stating that you are willing to fight for the marriage, but you really didn't mean it and now you're ready to throw in the towel. If he asks, don't lie about it....just don't volunteer it either.

 

He caught you. Therefore, there was a way that he found out that you are unaware of. He might not be talking to you directly, but he could be gathering more evidence. Trying to figure out YOUR gameplan. So, he could still be monitoring his resources. Let him and play stupid. But, if you IM a friend or your folks that knows what going on, be remorseful in your responses. As if you're writing directly to him. There might be a chance he's reading it.

 

Therefore, if you can't get through to him directly, then try that indirect route.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Could it be that he has not had someone in his life that he could rely on? Maybe he saw you as the one person he could trust and to be there for him. He didn't receive a sense of security from his family, so maybe he put a lot of that value on his marriage.

 

If so, the his FOO makes this betrayal that much more painful. You took away his sense of security and trust. He will never fully recover from this blow.

 

I'd like to add this angle...

 

I'm sure that he wanted to be the best father he could be. He wanted to be there for his kids because his parents weren't there for him.

 

Now, because of not fault of his own, you have made him a part-time father because of your affair. He's not going to be able to tuck his kids in bed every night because of custody arrangements. I'm sure that burns him up inside.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I respectfully disagree that this isn't all about Sofie.

 

Does she need to actively put measures in place to stem the bleeding, absolutely. Is it her responsibility to find out what those should be, absolutely.

 

Become a safe person to be with, for herself, her husband (whether x or not), her children should be her number 1 priority.

 

I believe Sofie when she says she didn't go looking for an affair. Most don't. Our society has focused on self esteem for much too long. Not enough on self respect. If Sofie had healthy self respect, she would have given a consequence when the ap crossed a boundary the first time. It wasn't the sex that was the largest gap one crosses in the affair, its the first boundary that you let yourself cross, the others fall like dominoes. Then the WS is left sitting alone in a place that they don't even know how they got to, because its so far removed from who they thought they were.

[Sofie2013]

Ok I think mm wife told him we would meet today. At first I didn’t think anything but all morning along he been all in and out of my department. I thought it was all work related but I don’t think so. I haven’t spoken to him yet and I don’t plan to. It could all been in my head but I think he knows. I guess it doesn’t really matter it doesn’t really change anything thing.