Can't stop thinking about her

[iplaymybassinthesun]

I have one female friend and I'm obsessed with her. I can't stop thinking about her. The odd thing to me is, the obsession doesn't even involve sex or romance. I rarely even visualize her in my mind.

 

What I DO however, is constantly check my cell phone to see if she has texted me, or my Facebook to see if she liked my posts. If she did, all is well with the world. If not, panic mode. I do it every, single, day. It's bizarre. I've done it for years now. It's like I treat her, an actual person, like a drug, and I feel shame b/c of it. Is this a symptom of what tech and social media do to us?

 

It doesn't make sense. We've been friends for 3 years, but aren't really that close. We don't see each other much, just a text or post now and again. But I've just latched on. She's almost all I think about. Again, sex or romance doesn't even enter the equation. But she's my only female friend. I don't have many close friends in general, and at 31 never had date/relationship/hook up etc prospects. I just can't get her out of my mind. Maybe it's the scarcity of my situation, my mind is going haywire. I recently deleted FB in an attempt to stop this secret habit.

[todreaminblue]

sounds a bit ocd....its one thing i am not ocd about is facebook.......hate the thing....never really check up on guy friends i have on there on there.......i check up on my friends see how there doing I get bored and i hardly ever post anything ////i stalk my teen daughters......i closed down my face book account......my daughter keeps reopening it i keep shutting it down.....as far as the phone goes i am ocd when i send a friend a message and get really paranoid if they dont reply....my friends understand my disorder it doesnt happen all the time just when i am sick......

 

 

i developed feelings for a guy.......and there is a fair amount of shame...i have never stalked him ....even more so because of my disorder i am super careful on going compulsive......i am super careful with everything concerning him....how i communicate...i tried to be friends.......didnt work....and its probably for the best....i am in no contact......i do think about him a lot...and ill try and deny what i feel.......but its there and it aint going.....and it sucks.because he actually hurt me.....and i am tired of people hurting me when i care about them and them not caring about how i feel..i am maintaining no contact...i should be able to eat in a couple of months...lol.....kidding.....maybe not..just try and do the things you love surround yourself with people who care about you and appreciate what you can when you can...all the little things....be good to yourself.....adn visit the water.......everything is better with salt water and ripples of deep blue.............praying helps......not if you ask god to take away what you feel though....his phone is engaged if you do that......deb

[iplaymybassinthesun]

It feels OCD to me too. I wish I didn't do this. I can't even tell if these feelings are real, or what feelings even are. I don't feel love or lust, I just feel shame. She's a sweet person. I know deep down that for a few reasons she and I would not even be a good relationship match.

[New Moon]

Yeah... that's not a friendship. Or any kind of relationship. I have had people treat me like this, just to "have me there" was what they needed. It's a two-way street. This girl does sound nice, but she probably doesn't understand what your deal is. And would be surprised to know that you've already dismissed her/are thinking about her in this way.

 

Maybe you're better off not letting her know about that straight up. It sounds like you're not too sure about your feelings for her anyway. But think to yourself whether you would like more full friendships (with men and women) and eventually a loving relationship with a woman... or keep these placeholder types of people in your life who represent a very superficial level of acceptance. I would be wary of continuing to associate with this woman as you are. You should figure out why you're really keeping distance and are satisfied with so little. It seems like a guard to me.

 

As well, it's helpful to think of tech and social media as a tool, a secondary mode of communication. Don't let it be your left arm!

[iplaymybassinthesun]

Makes sense. I'd like to have full friendships and loving relationships. I've wanted those things my whole life. I've had friends, male and female, where we hang out together, play music together, shoot the breeze. But, for instance, when my mother died, and I was bereaved, they stayed away. They weren't friends I could lean on. This girl (who was actually one of them) is someone I still wish I had a closer relationship with, but #1 I am afraid she would reject me and #2, part of me thinks my obsession comes from a scarcity attitude.

[New Moon]

Makes sense. I'd like to have full friendships and loving relationships. I've wanted those things my whole life. I've had friends, male and female, where we hang out together, play music together, shoot the breeze. But, for instance, when my mother died, and I was bereaved, they stayed away. They weren't friends I could lean on. This girl (who was actually one of them) is someone I still wish I had a closer relationship with, but #1 I am afraid she would reject me and #2, part of me thinks my obsession comes from a scarcity attitude.

 

Ah, I see now.

 

Do you mean by "scarcity attitude" that you find it hard to find friends you can relate to?

 

We all need a few close people to lean on. But I don't know how far you've progressed in your mourning/healing after your mother's passing, and you may be transferring this need for support on your need for regular relationships. Making your ability to relate rather intense or out of balance. (Either too intense or totally removed...) A lot of people experience this, but it's hard to maintain friendships with them, and you owe it to yourself to deal with what's holding you back! I'm no expert and I suggest seeing a counselor or finding a mentor. I did this 5-10 years ago when struggling with anxiety and depression.

 

As for your friend, there's no harm in expressing interest in meeting up for a coffee. I understand your nerves, but you could just keep it open ended and breezy and not focus so much on a rejection/acceptance scenario. Just tell her that you appreciate her friendship and you're working through what happened. I'm sure you withdrew and that many of your friends didn't know how to reach out. If she knows what happened, and she would like to be friends, she will likely understand. But do what you can to move past what happened and develop new aspects of your life. You have to face the chance that she may not be there for you, but also become open to the new friends who will be. I'm sorry for your loss by the way.

[iplaymybassinthesun]

Ah, I see now.

 

Do you mean by "scarcity attitude" that you find it hard to find friends you can relate to?

 

We all need a few close people to lean on. But I don't know how far you've progressed in your mourning/healing after your mother's passing, and you may be transferring this need for support on your need for regular relationships. Making your ability to relate rather intense or out of balance. (Either too intense or totally removed...) A lot of people experience this, but it's hard to maintain friendships with them, and you owe it to yourself to deal with what's holding you back! I'm no expert and I suggest seeing a counselor or finding a mentor. I did this 5-10 years ago when struggling with anxiety and depression.

 

As for your friend, there's no harm in expressing interest in meeting up for a coffee. I understand your nerves, but you could just keep it open ended and breezy and not focus so much on a rejection/acceptance scenario. Just tell her that you appreciate her friendship and you're working through what happened. I'm sure you withdrew and that many of your friends didn't know how to reach out. If she knows what happened, and she would like to be friends, she will likely understand. But do what you can to move past what happened and develop new aspects of your life. You have to face the chance that she may not be there for you, but also become open to the new friends who will be. I'm sorry for your loss by the way.

I think I've come a long way from her passing 3 yrs ago. I sold her home, handled her estate, dealt with her bills, the IRS (she was an ID theft victim to boot) found an apartment, clawed my way back from unemployment to full time work, returned to college so I can finish my degree, repaired my relationship with my dad. Everything has improved in my life aesthetically speaking. I live a clean lifestyle and need more exercise, but I stay out of trouble and don't self medicate or do things self destructive. But I'm just kind of left to my own devices and dammit do I get lonely. I don't have a lifestyle which facilitates new friendships and potential relationships. Even as a musician, odd as that sounds (I always seem to end up in bands with guys twice my age who play to people even older). I'm alone a lot outside of work, and I think I just drive myself insane. But yet I don't put myself out there, even with an online profile. I'm desperate to not let people too close, but I'm desperate for them to want to get close. It's an impossible situation.

[New Moon]

I think I've come a long way from her passing 3 yrs ago. I sold her home, handled her estate, dealt with her bills, the IRS (she was an ID theft victim to boot) found an apartment, clawed my way back from unemployment to full time work, returned to college so I can finish my degree, repaired my relationship with my dad. Everything has improved in my life aesthetically speaking. I live a clean lifestyle and need more exercise, but I stay out of trouble and don't self medicate or do things self destructive. But I'm just kind of left to my own devices and dammit do I get lonely. I don't have a lifestyle which facilitates new friendships and potential relationships. Even as a musician, odd as that sounds (I always seem to end up in bands with guys twice my age who play to people even older). I'm alone a lot outside of work, and I think I just drive myself insane. But yet I don't put myself out there, even with an online profile. I'm desperate to not let people too close, but I'm desperate for them to want to get close. It's an impossible situation.

 

That's good that you dealt with all those details, and that you moved on toward building an independent life. But you may still be held back emotionally a bit by what happened, and I understand. In any case it will be problematic to have a relationship and even friendships with that push/pull going on within you. Good friends will help you pay attention to your behaviour as it happens and find positive ways for you to express yourself. This could help you open up... but some people won't be able to handle it. You'll have to navigate those friendships as they come along, and that will be good for you.

 

It's not impossible to widen your network, but it takes time, and perseverance against feeling lonely or pessimistic. Here's one thing I'm still learning to do: being happy to be alone. This summer I forced myself to just go alone to have a coffee and be totally peaceful, instead of have to call up a friend to do it with. You can do that alone, or bike or walk in the park alone. Not that you shouldn't put some effort into your social life, but often people will gravitate to a person who seems comfortable without having to be accepted by anyone else. So if you go to the gym (it can get pretty social there on a Friday), or you're at any kind of event, have that kind of "chill on my own" attitude, instead of obsessing about the friends you don't have. Be open to conversation, make an effort to be light-hearted and spontaneous. When you see something funny make a remark, etc.

 

Have dinner or go to a dinner party with your colleagues, even if they're older, they probably know people your age. Have a card printed and ask for one from the people you meet. Since you're in music, talk to venue managers or tech/studio people, take some interest, see who's hooked up and who would be fun to have a boys night out with. Work is consuming, but you need to make time to let loose! Manage your time for different activities, whether it's going out alone (exercise, errands, coffee break), meeting someone/social event, or down time for yourself. Try to balance those more or less equally. Also, arrange time with family and extended family, go to outings and meet their friends. Exchange numbers/FB info with the people you like (right on the spot), and keep in touch.

 

I bet you can do it, just give yourself a kick! Good luck!

[New Moon]

I think I've come a long way from her passing 3 yrs ago. I sold her home, handled her estate, dealt with her bills, the IRS (she was an ID theft victim to boot) found an apartment, clawed my way back from unemployment to full time work, returned to college so I can finish my degree, repaired my relationship with my dad. Everything has improved in my life aesthetically speaking. I live a clean lifestyle and need more exercise, but I stay out of trouble and don't self medicate or do things self destructive. But I'm just kind of left to my own devices and dammit do I get lonely. I don't have a lifestyle which facilitates new friendships and potential relationships. Even as a musician, odd as that sounds (I always seem to end up in bands with guys twice my age who play to people even older). I'm alone a lot outside of work, and I think I just drive myself insane. But yet I don't put myself out there, even with an online profile. I'm desperate to not let people too close, but I'm desperate for them to want to get close. It's an impossible situation.

 

That's good that you dealt with all those details, and that you moved on toward building an independent life. But you may still be held back emotionally a bit by what happened, and I understand. In any case it will be problematic to have a relationship and even friendships with that push/pull going on within you. Good friends will help you pay attention to your behaviour as it happens and find positive ways for you to express yourself. This could help you open up... but some people won't be able to handle it. You'll have to navigate those friendships as they come along, and that will be good for you.

 

It's not impossible to widen your network, but it takes time, and perseverance against feeling lonely or pessimistic. Here's one thing I'm still learning to do: being happy to be alone. This summer I forced myself to just go alone to have a coffee and be totally peaceful, instead of have to call up a friend to do it with. You can do that alone, or bike or walk in the park alone. Not that you shouldn't put some effort into your social life, but often people will gravitate to a person who seems comfortable without having to be accepted by anyone else. So if you go to the gym (it can get pretty social there on a Friday), or you're at any kind of event, have that kind of "chill on my own" attitude, instead of obsessing about the friends you don't have. Be open to conversation, make an effort to be light-hearted and spontaneous. When you see something funny make a remark, etc.

 

Have dinner or go to a dinner party with your colleagues, even if they're older, they probably know people your age. Have a card printed and ask for one from the people you meet. Since you're in music, talk to venue managers or tech/studio people, take some interest, see who's hooked up and who would be fun to have a boys night out with. Work is consuming, but you need to make time to let loose! Manage your time for different activities, whether it's going out alone (exercise, errands, coffee break), meeting someone/social event, or down time for yourself. Try to balance those more or less equally. Also, arrange time with family and extended family, go to outings and meet their friends. Exchange numbers/FB info with the people you like (right on the spot), and keep in touch.

 

I bet you can do it, just give yourself a kick! Good luck!

[mea_M]

Deleting fb or simply just removing her from your friends list is a good first step. Obsessions can really take over our thoughts. In my opinion, you need a healthy distraction and new focus. Allow your mind to travel some where else. My best to you.

 

Mea:)

[iplaymybassinthesun]

I gave my friend a call today, asked her how she was doing, simply told her I'd like to spend some time with her soon and take a break from my stressed out, workaholic ways. She thought it was a great idea and we agreed to get together sometime this weekend.

[jacksonvillae]

Even worse if that girl is just your type and you feel a connection with her, that makes you so confident that you feel it's just impossible to reject you -> you rationalize everything she does in your favor, when she's just playing you.

[iplaymybassinthesun]

Yeah, she could just be a pro, playing me like a violin, for all I know. Problem is, when you have low self-esteem you sometimes just think well, better to be played with than ignored and another year older. Which is a really dumb, but sometimes you just get to that place. You think, well life could certainly be a lot worse..but a lot of your basic needs go unmet and you can't just deny that you have them and expect to stay sane.