Looking for advice from over 40"s??

[lifestyle1]

Ex and I have been living together 3yrs and broke up 3 weeks ago. I asked him to move because he had explosive angry outbursts and would yell "get out" and it frightened me and the children. He didnt want to go. I moved his **** out to the garage, changed the locks and cried my eyes out.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, and recognize what I did wrong in the relationship. He is also immature (44yrs) emtionally and sometimes verbally abusive. I know I do not want that for myself. A bit of distance, and he was able to look at himself. He blames himself for the break-up but is mad that he is out of HIS home. We have talked about reconciling. At times he is great like the guy I fell in love with- and then at other times he is angry.

We have had all sorts of issues, such as marriages, my divorce, step kids, moving. You name it we had it- but we made it so far. He spent the weekend and left Sunday (weird) and told me that next time we are moving into HIS house, and if it doesnt work out, I'm to leave (me and the 3 kids?).

I thought, Oh so you're making rules.. I didn't like the sound of it, and I once again felt hopeless.

 

Now he is the type of guy who runs at the mouth, but doesnt mean what he says. I am scared because the finances are hard (X doesnt pay) and lonely.

I also still love him, but vacillate, because I DO KNOW people do not change unless they want to. and 3 weeks is not long enough for him to change his THINKING. Your feedback?

[lost_in_chgo]

Is he willing to work at it?

 

I'd say you need to concentrate on talking to each other and try to get to the root of both of your problems. He's upset about something, maybe just midlife. You sound hostile. So maybe communication or counseling?

 

Wanting to is 90% of the battle I think.

[reasontosigh]

I'm getting some bad vibes here, but that could be a personal flashback experience.

 

I'm with lost_in_chgo on the counseling suggestion.

[meanon]

You had good reasons for doing what you did and they haven't gone away. Nothing is worth a life lived in hopelessness and fear. If you let him back now, what incentive does he have to change? The best chance you have of making this relationship work, or of getting over it if he won't/can't change, is to stick with your decision for now and see how he responds.

[Charlane]

Originally posted by lifestyle1

Ex and I have been living together 3yrs and broke up 3 weeks ago. I asked him to move because he had explosive angry outbursts and would yell "get out" and it frightened me and the children. He didnt want to go. I moved his **** out to the garage, changed the locks and cried my eyes out.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, and recognize what I did wrong in the relationship. He is also immature (44yrs) emtionally and sometimes verbally abusive. I know I do not want that for myself. A bit of distance, and he was able to look at himself. He blames himself for the break-up but is mad that he is out of HIS home. We have talked about reconciling. At times he is great like the guy I fell in love with- and then at other times he is angry.

We have had all sorts of issues, such as marriages, my divorce, step kids, moving. You name it we had it- but we made it so far. He spent the weekend and left Sunday (weird) and told me that next time we are moving into HIS house, and if it doesnt work out, I'm to leave (me and the 3 kids?).

I thought, Oh so you're making rules.. I didn't like the sound of it, and I once again felt hopeless.

 

Now he is the type of guy who runs at the mouth, but doesnt mean what he says. I am scared because the finances are hard (X doesnt pay) and lonely.

I also still love him, but vacillate, because I DO KNOW people do not change unless they want to. and 3 weeks is not long enough for him to change his THINKING. Your feedback?

 

 

kick his ass to the curb and forget about him. The 'work' for repairing the situation should be on his part and not yours. I assure you that if you attempt reconciliation in the hopes that he will try, that he will engage in vindictive infidelity. I've seen it on this board too many times before. If he REALLY feels like he doesn't EVER have a chance in hell of getting you back then it might move him enough to at least try.

[alphamale]

plz see my posts on your other thread

[Charlane]

You are wimping out. No matter how tough the money part is, it is not worth selling out your self respect. Taking him back is guaranteeing more of the same behavior. Don't do it. He needs to get a clue and work on himself and if he thinks you will wimp out, he won't give a damn about making it better. He will just do it again.

[aarsky]

You've stated a cse that is very similar to mine and it makes me think a great deal about me. My g/f asked me to move in with her and her daughter about 3 years ago, and I don't know why, but I became abusive to her and her daughter and she was scared and asked me to leave. The fact is it is not your fault how someone behaves and he needs to take a good long look at himself to fix things up. But people can change as i am trying to do, because there is nothing I'd like more during this holiday season then for my ex and I to be back. I've even talked to my ex about it and she said the abusive, angry temper tantrums is what she can't deal with. If he wants you and him to be together, he needs to grow up and realize the things he did to upset you is what he has to fix, but he has to want to do it. There is nothing in this world that should make you so angry that you take it out on the ones you love, and I wish I could take it all back, believe me, i would in a flash. But you can't move backwards in life. See what happens over the next few months and if you see he is trying to make a conciuos effort then give him another try. Otherwise it's time to move on.