Still hope with flirty ex?!

[Californiadoll]

Alright, so I've moved on from my ex love and met this really great guy. We'll call him "Joe". Joe took me on a great first date. I didn't think I was that attracted to him until I realized he was exceptional. He began as my friend and then he called me and asked me out on a few dates. He made me feel like I was floating. We then began to see each other exclusively and started a relationship.

 

All of our friends were very happy for us. They kept telling us how cute we looked together. We were very affectionate and happy. I wasn't that happy since April. One day, he invited me over to a friends house to hang out. I felt extremely crappy that day. I told him I didn't feel like going. My bestfriend decided to come over and watch a movie with me that night. That night, I found out my parents marriage was basically doomed for a divorce and my mom was beginning to have an extra marital "emotionally involved" affair. That affected me deeply. I decided I needed to go see Joe. My friend and I hopped in her truck and left.

 

When we got there, basically, to make an extremely long story short, it looked like my boyfriend had met up with this one girl at our friends house. Only his and her cars were parked outside. I had my suspicions about this girl. I knocked on the door and no one answered. I freaked out, called Joe and he didn't answer. I then called his friend that I thought he was with and he said Joe wasn't with them. I hung up on the friend and then Joe called me back from his friends cell phone telling me his phone was dead. I told him I thought it was BS and began to say some not so nice things. I really needed his company at the time and of course, I was on edge. I said have a nice night and we ended the conversation with me crying. I thought I had been cheated on until I found out that the girl had a boyfriend of 2 years and Joe ended up being with a group of our friends picking up some people. The next day, I called him up after he had not called me all day and profusely apologized to him. I explained the situation and did everything I possibly could to save the relationship. He said he had to think about it.

 

That night, I went to a party where I saw one of Joes friends. She said she asked him about his love life earlier on in the day and asked Joe if he had a g/f. He said no. I was drunk and devesated. I called him up, left a message on his cell saying not to bother about calling me back and that it was over. Over the course of the next few days, I had heard from some mutual friends that Joe got freaked out because I accused him of cheating and he would never do anything like that. I knew I had made a big mistake. ANYWAYS...

 

Currently, Joe and I have talked on the phone about 4 times since the break up a week and a half ago. We haven't discussed our relationship because he's a "dramaphobe". I know if I mention it, he'll get freaked out and not want to talk. We've hung out twice. The first time was for a pregnancy test. He was with me through it all. Bought it, hugged me and held me while we were waiting for the results. After we held the "negative" result in our hands, I hugged him, he pulled my face away and kissed me. I got pretty faded that night and ended up professing my love to him, I don't quite remember any of it, haha. We ended up falling asleep in the same bed and cuddling. The next morning, he started touching me and we fooled around for a bit. Keep in mind, he initiated all of this. He kissed my forehead and told me to call him later that day. I did and we talked for about 3 minutes. I was stoked because right after the break up, he didn't even pick up his phone. The next day, him and his friend got their business license. Since then, they've been extremely busy. I went over to Joes to pick up some business cards and flyers to help them advertise. This was the night before last. Joe and I flirted all night and when I tried to leave, he told me not to go. We play wrestled, looked at cars together on the net, tickled each other, stroked each others hair...we even locked eyes and he told me how beautiful he thought my eyes were. Things were like they were before we started dating. Stayed until 2am. He walked me to the door, hugged me, patted me on my back...then I realized maybe his interest in me was platonic until he kissed me on my neck. I didn't even look at him after he did that. I turned around and walked away to my car. I didn't even give him a chance to do anything else.

 

I miss him so much. I think the grounds on which we broke up were completely lame. I saw so much potential between us. More than i've ever felt with any of my boyfriends. At his house, right when I was about to walk out of the room he was in, he made a kissing sound with his lips and looked at me. I was confused so I just kept walking and he was like "ew, fine!". He used to make that sound when he wanted a kiss. AFter he said that, I made a kissing noise back and walked away. Should I wait for him to call me? Should I call him because i'm the one that screwed our relationship up in the first place? Is he still interested or is he just being nice? How much time should I give him to call? When should I give up hope? Please help and thank you for reading this.

[Puma]

it kinda seems like you two are together..i think you should wait to see if he calls ya, if not then call and say hi..he'll take it from there im sure. i think ur thinkin too much about this..really its not even a big deal, from my view you two are still an item if ya work at it g luck

[Californiadoll]

I tried calling him yesterday because I really wanted to find out how his big business presentation went. no answer. Left a message, friendly and short asking him to call back when he found the time. No call from him yet. I would normally give up hope by now but his phone has been screwing up lately and he's hardly been getting his messages. I don't want to call again just in case he did get the message. When do you think I should forget about it? Last time we hung out, the attraction between us was amazing. I'm so confused! BTW, happy THanksgiving everyone

[Puma]

i think you should forget about it now. if ya called him once thats enough, more than that for whatever reason is pushin it. if ya know that the last tiem ya had was great..its in his mind trust me, so be happy and just wait to see if he calls ya..which im sure he will. if u see that its takin a week or two then just email the man and say "whattup foo!" haha ok not those exact words..but yeah u know. hes most likely busy with it all so give him some time and dont pressure him by callin him a lot cause thats annoying to anyone..id run for the hills!! ok wait..im pretty out of condition so id use a razor scooter haha..either way dont trip chocolate chip..peace, and happy turkey day too

[kisslaboca]

Californiadoll,

Just take it easy and try not to anx so much about this. I think the previous poster gave you really sound advice. It does sound like he really likes you and that you certainly don't sound like a broken up couple. I really enjoyed reading your story by the way...brought me back memories of my first love. Your Joe sounds like a really sweet guy and you two sound adorable together.

 

Californiadoll, it seems like you value this relationship a lot. It also seems fairly new, which is a good thing, cause you it means that is still not ruined and has a lot of chances of being a healthy good relatinship if you start working on some issues RIGHT now. Cause regardless of its short life spam, it has already had its fair share of drama. It seems you really love this guy, value him and your relationship and do want to have something together with him. It's funny cause you remind me of a younger version of my self, sort of self sabotaging relationships that were very special to me. I will react to something, make a big drama, (I couldn't help it, just felt this big rush of feeling and NEEDED to react) then the guy will sort of freak out, I then would realize my drama was an overeaction or that i made a huge jealousy scene for nothing. I would just be paniking afterwards, overanlizing the situation, feeling and worring and totally anx that I ruined things for good and wondering if the guy was still really there/ Then if he was still around and I would be so relieved and felt how much I loved him, and be sort of obsessed with the idea of us being together and of just getting him back or making our relationship ok again. I would behave perfectly, like an angel... that is until the next big crisis and overeaction, and the cycle would start all over again. Does any of this sound familiar?

 

From personal experience and some maturation from my part, I suggest to you the following. as i said before this relationship sounds wonderful but though it has a short life it has already had a good share of drama, specially from your side. Joe sounds like a nice guy, and seems to have overlooked it for now. From similar experiences I think he loves you a lot still, so it is not affecting him yet. But believe me this type of dramatic, crisis, big jealousy bouts behaviour starts to allianate the other eventually and eats away at love. I would venture to say that you are testing him unconciously. Maybe deep down you are afraid of adbandonment and are sort of testing him to see how much he can take, to make sure he is safe. I did the same, subcounciously also. You are afraid they will leave you, or at overly jealous for no real reason and are into overeactions, and at the end what you fear and are reacting to becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. And you end up feeling really bad and just missing your joe a lot, and having sabotaged a perfectly nice relationship that could have had lots of potential.

 

Honestly I think all that drama from your part and the damage that your fears and overeactions have caused by now as RED FLAGS. You need to work on your self, and find a way to deal with these internal impulses that drive you to act in this self sabotaging way, because no relationship can endure this overtime, specially someone like how you have described Joe, that seems very nice and low drama. It is just not realistic and too high maintenance and honestly I don't think all this crisis are coming from a healthy place in you, it sounds like fears of abandonment to me, or feeling unlovable and insecure at the core levels. You need to work on you, before love goes out the window. You seem not to be in the present moment, but sort of looking at the future or at the past and overanalizing and getting all anxious about every single little thing instead of just looking at the positive and just chilling. a perfect example is right now, how you are panicking because he hasn't called back. I mean last time you met it was really cool and warm, and you know his phone is not working properly. Im sure by the time you check up on this message again, he would have called you and you may have paniked and felt all that anxiety for nothing.

 

As I said you sound very much like me, I may be mistaken though, it took merepeated heartbreak for me to realize I needed to be more in the moment, to see what I did have and to stop reacting out of the fear and just messing things up with a bunch of over the top drama. Something that has totally helped me is the Enneagram. It is a psycological tool, it lists personality types. Look it up in the net, they are many helpful websites. Also check out the article on personality and relationships in http://www.soulmateoracle.com. If I am not wrong you sound like a type 4 to me, the Romantic. Read it and it will surprise you how much of yourself you will find there. Get to know your self and to love your self and to start to be your mayor source of security. You will see how your relationships will be less dramatic and you will live in peace. Let me know what you think of the enneagram. Another website I can suggest is authenticenneagram.com Check out the relationship compatibality part, but first check out all the personality type description. Really fascinating and helpful stuff. Best of luck to you.

[CaliforniaDoll1]

Puma and kisslaboca, you two are amazing. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I respect both of your opinions very much. I'm 20 years old and although I thought I knew it all at one point, I'm now mature enough to admit that I know nothing at all and I look to others for guidance because at the moment, my mother isn't exactly someone I can turn to for relationship advice. I've depended on my bestfriend so much over the course of the last week. Eventhough she's a year younger than me, she's seriously one of the smartest people I know and is wise beyond her years. I've explained the situation to her in more detail, duh, than i've been able to explain on here. She's telling me everything you guys are telling me. She said just give it time and let it cool down because she's heard from several different sources that he likes me but it's just not adding up in my head. Why flirt with me? Why say and do the things he does and not call me? I understand it's only been since Tuesday since i've talked to him but I miss him dearly. I wish he would call me. A bit of the story i've left out is talking with his business partner/best friend. The first time after me and Joe hung out, I talked to his friend the next day on the phone. He said that Joe still liked me and that he's sure it wasn't over between us. Just give it time, let it flow and let him come to me. I accepted it. THEN, before I hung out with Joe the 2nd time (when I went over to his house), I talked to his friend again and this time, I asked him if he thought Joe was really going to call me. He said don't count your eggs before they're hatched and that he wouldn't bet on it. But then I went over to Joes house that night and what do you know? The whole flirting bit happened! (see 1st post, hehe). My friend thinks Joe doesn't know what he wants. I think that too. I try so hard not to break down but I find myself thinking about how happy things would be if he just gave us another chance. I almost wish I could stop thinking about him so my sanity would return but the depression and sadness is overwhelming. Regret has become a deep pain in the pit of my stomach.

 

Puma: I will def take your advice. Although I want to contact him SO FREAKIN BAD, I know it's not a wise thing to do. All I will do is scare him away. I will wait a week or so before I try again. For some reason, my heart is telling me not to give up on him. If this were any other guy, I'd almost be over him but the feeling I have with him is different, it's almost magic. Any advice on how I can prevent myself from not calling or contacting!?

 

kiss: You're right about everything. I feel you and I can relate on more than one level as far as relationships are concerned. I do value this relationship, very much so. And yes, it was a fairly new relationship. Although we weren't together for that long, when I read your post and you mentioned the "L" word, it made me realize that my feelings for him boarder on love. Not quite sure if they're that deep, although some of the things I do and say about him can be classified under that category. I do have my share of sabotoging my relationships. Joe made me feel very good about myself. Better than i've ever felt before. You asked me if any of your past problems sounded familar to me, and yes. It all describes me, perfectly. As far as abandonment is concerned, yes, I do have issues with my father. He left my mother when I was born so naturally, there is that fear there. Do I want to get rid of it? YES. MOre than anything. I believe I found someone that I can grow with and I don't want to let it go. Although he hasn't called me yet because it's only been a few hours since my last post, haha, I trust in what you say. I will look up that website right after I click the "submit reply" option.

 

THanks again and please keep the posts coming. I swear I will update this thread if there's any new happenings.

 

PS. this is CaliforniaDoll but I forgot to log in so I just made up nickname really fast.

[Californiadoll]

Puma and kisslaboca, you two are amazing. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I respect both of your opinions very much. I'm 20 years old and although I thought I knew it all at one point, I'm now mature enough to admit that I know nothing at all and I look to others for guidance because at the moment, my mother isn't exactly someone I can turn to for relationship advice. I've depended on my bestfriend so much over the course of the last week. Eventhough she's a year younger than me, she's seriously one of the smartest people I know and is wise beyond her years. I've explained the situation to her in more detail, duh, than i've been able to explain on here. She's telling me everything you guys are telling me. She said just give it time and let it cool down because she's heard from several different sources that he likes me but it's just not adding up in my head. Why flirt with me? Why say and do the things he does and not call me? I understand it's only been since Tuesday since i've talked to him but I miss him dearly. I wish he would call me. A bit of the story i've left out is talking with his business partner/best friend. The first time after me and Joe hung out, I talked to his friend the next day on the phone. He said that Joe still liked me and that he's sure it wasn't over between us. Just give it time, let it flow and let him come to me. I accepted it. THEN, before I hung out with Joe the 2nd time (when I went over to his house), I talked to his friend again and this time, I asked him if he thought Joe was really going to call me. He said don't count your eggs before they're hatched and that he wouldn't bet on it. But then I went over to Joes house that night and what do you know? The whole flirting bit happened! (see 1st post, hehe). My friend thinks Joe doesn't know what he wants. I think that too. I try so hard not to break down but I find myself thinking about how happy things would be if he just gave us another chance. I almost wish I could stop thinking about him so my sanity would return but the depression and sadness is overwhelming. Regret has become a deep pain in the pit of my stomach.

 

Puma: I will def take your advice. Although I want to contact him SO FREAKIN BAD, I know it's not a wise thing to do. All I will do is scare him away. I will wait a week or so before I try again. For some reason, my heart is telling me not to give up on him. If this were any other guy, I'd almost be over him but the feeling I have with him is different, it's almost magic. Any advice on how I can prevent myself from not calling or contacting!?

 

kiss: You're right about everything. I feel you and I can relate on more than one level as far as relationships are concerned. I do value this relationship, very much so. And yes, it was a fairly new relationship. Although we weren't together for that long, when I read your post and you mentioned the "L" word, it made me realize that my feelings for him boarder on love. Not quite sure if they're that deep, although some of the things I do and say about him can be classified under that category. I do have my share of sabotoging my relationships. Joe made me feel very good about myself. Better than i've ever felt before. You asked me if any of your past problems sounded familar to me, and yes. It all describes me, perfectly. As far as abandonment is concerned, yes, I do have issues with my father. He left my mother when I was born so naturally, there is that fear there. Do I want to get rid of it? YES. MOre than anything. I believe I found someone that I can grow with and I don't want to let it go. Although he hasn't called me yet because it's only been a few hours since my last post, haha, I trust in what you say. I will look up that website right after I click the "submit reply" option.

 

THanks again and please keep the posts coming. I swear I will update this thread if there's any new happenings.

 

PS. this is CaliforniaDoll but I forgot to log in so I just made up nickname really fast.

[Puma]

erase his number temporarily..dont let it be availabel to you on ur phone. i know u know it by heart..but if ya really want to make it work..ur not gonna call!! that should be motivation enough right? im here as i lost my gf too and it hurts but i havent called as i let her contact me..shes only text me so far but hey its somethin. i think ur in a better situation which is why im tellin ya not to stress over it too much as you'll be fine..put ur faith, hope, and heart in it. be patient!!! be confident!! those are very important aspects to all this and to everyones situation for that matter

[kisslaboca]

Californiadoll,

Im so glad we can be here for you. I know this is a hard time for you, and it is good that you write on this board specially if your mom cannot be of great help at this time, and even if your best friend is here for you... the biggest the support group you get the better. Count in your support group.

 

Calidoll, I still think you need to chill. Its not only not calling the guy or not appearing desperate and needy that is going to get you along in this relationship. You need to work on your neediness from the inside out, NOT the outside in.

Do I want to get rid of it? YES. MOre than anything. I believe I found someone that I can grow with and I don't want to let it go

 

This is very good and important, but you need to be there for you first, you need to take care of your emotional needs and not just be ok when JOe is around. You need to feel calm even when he is not around you. I know it is hard, and it is certainly not automatic and easier said than done, but growing with somene and getting rid of our demonds must start within us, its a lot of hard work. You have to forgo instant gratification of him calling you right away, you have to refocuse your attention on your self and away from him and every little detail about him. You have to stop overanalizing. Forget about what his friend said, it only brings you down and who knows why he said it. In my own case, I found that people tend to mess up things more than help. He is not inside of Joe even if he works with Joe. You were with him not too long ago, go with that, don't listen to people. Be positive in your mind. You are ok, this whole situation is ok, and everything will be ok. Think like that, you can totally handle this well, you will see.

 

I am PM you some links. I hope they are helpful. Best of luck, and sorry if I am sounding bossy or too motherly. I just see a lot of me in you as I said, and if maybe I can stop someone from making the same mistakes I did, or at least show them an alternative view, even if they do make those mistakes, then am I try.

 

No matter what though, I support you in whatever you do, and if you want to just anx about it, it is ok, just post here and we will hear ya. Take care sweety, and keep focused and strong in yourself.

[Californiadoll]

Kiss, you don't sound bossy at all. I posted my problem on here for advice and help and that's exactly what i'm getting.

 

Normally, I am a very positive person and I've tried to stay positive about the whole situation but the cloud of negativity is definitely above my head right now. Maybe it's not quite negativity, perhaps it's reality. I do need to work on my neediness. I've gotten so much better this past year. I've had about 4 "boyfriends" over the course of this past year. None of them impressed me as much as Joe did. This past year, i've learned so much about myself. My self-esteem has slowly climbed out of the negatives and is inching it's way up towards where it should be. That's why I think I like Joe for normal and healthy reasons this time. I admit, I love being in relationships. I'm a wonderful girlfriend who happens to have a few kinks. Eventhough Joe and I aren't an item at the moment, he asked me to rub his head and he didn't want me to stop. I did it for 15 minutes. Then he asked for a massage and I did that for about 20. He knows I still worship the ground he walks on and I feel maybe he was taking advantage of that but then, after I massaged him, I tickled his sides and we started wrestling again. Our hands grasped each others and our eyes caught the TV. He didn't let go and neither did I.

 

I am majoring in communications, believe it or not, haha, and I always look for words spoken by the body. Body language if you will. A majority of communication is non verbal. How can I ignore his arm around me? Or our hands locking? Or me catching him looking at me? All of his friends were calling him that night asking him to go to dinner with them. One of them was even over at his house asking him while I was there! Joe said he couldn't go because he had to help his partner with their website. You know how much time Joe spent working while I was over there? About 30 seconds. I was having a tetris war with his friend and a friend called him. I'm also friends with this guy. I talked to him on the phone and he was like "Why don't you spend the night at Joe's tonight?". Then Joe started flirting with me and his friend that was there was like "Why don't you two just get a room? I mean, you're flirting so much and there's a room right there. Just get it done!". THen Joe was like "I'm just messin' around with her. YOu're just jealous. Quit trying to dip in my Kool-aid". Of course that made everyone laugh but i hadn't heard Joe say that since we were together.

 

OKay, so maybe i'm reading WAY too much into this but yes, I definitely over-analyze. I read between the lines. Guys are simple creatures. They don't think twice of things like that. But being a communications major, I can't help but think so much and reply moments over and over again in my mind. I just want a realistic grasp of how he feels about me. Even if he doesn't look at me like that anymore.

 

Thanks for the wonderful advice Kiss. I do have to work on my inner demons before I work on my relationships. I am a firm believer in fate and things happening for reasons so I understand that things will be okay, no matter which way they go. I can't give up hope just yet.

 

It's great having a guy and a girl giving me their perspectives and views on the situation. Where else could I find this gold? Nowhere.

 

Puma, I will erase his number today. He hasn't called me yet. It's a brand new day, it's Friday. The weekend is here and I doubt i'll hear from him. When we were together, we were supposed to go to and Unwritten Law concert. I asked him if he wanted to go and he said yes and to buy him a ticket and he'd pay me back. I did and now i'm stuck with two tickets and the show is this Saturday. I will not try contacting him eventhough I will totally lose out on 40 bucks. Haha, it's not worth it to me. I don't want to be suffocating. If he doesn't call me by next Wednesday, I know it's over. Thank you for your insight and good luck with your girl.

[Puma]

put it this way..hes losin out on you and the concert now!! hehe, dont worry things should be fine as soon as you focus on yourself and move on a bit..he will begin to wonder whats goin on with you..humans are naturally curious. ya have to be a lil unavalable to him now..dont let him jsut appear when he wants to and expect to have you right there at taht moment. ya turn it around and let him wait for ya!!! it feels good i can tell ya that..and you will learn that for yourself..jsut igve it time and dont go all crazy. be happy, smile, run around, jump, haha anythin to make ur spirits higher! it works..i know this cause im a big dork! laughin and makin others laugh is my speciality..its jsut my charisma i guess either way..if he dont like they way you are, tell him to kick rocks!!! haha

[Californiadoll]

Hmm, Joe's best friend just called me. The night I called both of them and left messages on their phone was the night his best friend dropped his phone and now it's all broken and stuff. I played it cool. I didn't ask about Joe at all. We'll call his best friend "Fred", haha. Lame I know. Anyways, Fred said he was on his way to Joe's house. I didn't inquire at all. I just said that I called both of them and wanted to know how the presentation went that night. He said it went well. I asked him if he'd seen the SpongeBob movie yet and he freaked out and was like "no! I wanted to see it! Let's go see it!". Fred and I were friends before Joe and I were going out. I told Fred to invite other people so it didn't seem like...well, ya know. And he was like "Uh, no. I don't get it". Freds ex is one of my friends but I don't care because Freds ex was the one that said she wasn't interested in Fred anymore. I don't look at Fred as anymore than a friend. He said to look up movie times and we'd go see it later tonight. I want Joe there but I wasn't gonna be all like "oh! Invite Joe!". I figure if Joe wants to see me, he will make the effort to go tonight. Anyways, I really really really hope it's not just me and Fred tonight. It'd be weird. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. I might invite my best friend...I think that's a good idea. ANyways, OMG, i'm nervous now. Wish me luck! Any advice?!?!?!!? I wonder if Fred will even mention to Joe that we're going to see a movie...hmm. Questions!

[Californiadoll]

Its over.