Reeso84 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Hi there!!my wife left me four months ago and it has totally devastated me I'm completely lost without her!!she said she felt unhappy for months before she left I neglected her and made her feel unloved!!i was always out working and didn't do enough around the house and didn't spend enough time with her and my daughter!! I truly love my wife and would do anything to get my life back I've been so down its crazy I didn't see this coming and it's totally wrecked me! She was txting another man but I think that stopped when I went to see him and and told him in no uncertain terms to stay away!!my wife wanted attention but I realized my mistakes straight away but she will not talk to me and never replies to txts I love her so much and I only want one chance to prove to her that I'm the man she married she doesn't know if she loves me and it really hurts I'm not a bad person just took thing for granted I only ever want to spend the rest of my life with my soulmate but it just feels like its over for good and I really can't cope we spent 8 1/2 years together and I can't see no hope I will never love again only my wife she means so much to me but it is like I don't know her anymore!do wifes come back after they leave or am I going to life this nightmare forever?? Link to post Share on other sites
secondfailure Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Rees, first of all you took the first step in reaching out for support. Noi need ot sugar coat this but it will be a bumpy ride.. You have to get yourself togther and just prioritze yourself.. I am only 3 weeks in and I have learned to change the things I can change and accept what I cant changed. Right now she seesm like she wants out. The more you text, call, beg, plead, t makes it worse... I am giving you something that has really helped me..... Its the 180s.. Right now you seem weak and desparate to her. We undersadn that you are becaseu we all feel that way. But the sooner you start to take care of yourself and get your bearings together, you will start to see a lot of things.. Best of luck and continue to post often... THE 180's: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.No frequent phone calls.Don't point out "good points" in marriage.Don't follow her/him around the house.Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.Don't ask for reassurances.Don't buy or give gifts.Don't schedule dates together.Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!Don't be overly enthusiastic.Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 It takes two to have a marriage. To help yourself, do the 180. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reeso84 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 I'm trying to not think about my wife I have just got my own place and my I think that my is is a little surprised I think she thought I would stay at my parents place but I need to prove to her that I can look after myself and make changes I can't help the crying every night and I really miss what we had!!!the only thing I want is one more chance but I just don't think my wife is willing I love her do much and this us the hardest thing I've ever had to do!!! Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 You hear of punctuation at all?? Link to post Share on other sites
secondfailure Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 You hear of punctuation at all?? Dude, cut the man some slack... Can't you see he is going through something... Jeesh..... Who care about puntuation.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reeso84 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 I am sorry if my punctuation is not right but the only thing I care about is saving my family and marriage!!!!!I just don't know how to deal with missing my wife like I have everyday for the last 4months everyday crying and I know it sounds like I'm a pussy but I'm truly heartbroken!!!!what can I do to get her back?? She's calling round in 10mins to see our daughter should I try and talk it usally ends in my wife getting angry!!i just don't know what to do!! Link to post Share on other sites
secondfailure Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I am sorry if my punctuation is not right but the only thing I care about is saving my family and marriage!!!!!I just don't know how to deal with missing my wife like I have everyday for the last 4months everyday crying and I know it sounds like I'm a pussy but I'm truly heartbroken!!!!what can I do to get her back?? She's calling round in 10mins to see our daughter should I try and talk it usally ends in my wife getting angry!!i just don't know what to do!! That is why I sent you the 180s. Right now she is at a point where nothing you say matters. You have to pick yourself up and realize that right now she does not want to talk about your marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reeso84 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 Yeah I know and thank you for it!i just struggle to get her out of my thoughts everyday and I suppose that when she sees me she knows I'm really hurting and that it probely looks really unactractive to her?!She knows I love her and would do anything for her real hard seeing her for only 10 minutes every other day its real gut wrenching I think she is done with us but is this just a front that women put on as if they don't care?? Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I am glad that you are there for your daughter. Does she stay with you all the time? If she is with you all the time, how is she holding up with her Mom gone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reeso84 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 I am glad that you are there for your daughter. Does she stay with you all the time? If she is with you all the time, how is she holding up with her Mom gone? I have my daughter 3 nights a week,she's nearly 4 but the last week or so she has starting missing mammy and daddy together and it breaks my heart seeing her cry when she leaves to be with either me or my wife,my wife doesn't realise that its effecting her and I just thought my wife would want to work on things rather than let it get the way it is and totally break our family!!!at the moment I don't know her and she doesn't care about our family just about herself and her feelings!it ruins me everyday,its so much harder when children are involved!truly heartbreaking!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reeso84 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 If you were neglecting her to start, i would not ignore her now, it will just drive the point home to her. what you need to do is build a friendship with her. talking helps women feel close to people and cared for. than.. pull back and come even closer ie flirting then pull back longer and get her to get you to think you need to make up your mind if you want her or not. that 180 stuff is for guys who were dormats not neglectful husbands who weren`t ever home or attentive - my take n e how The problem is I never knew I was neglecting her!she bottled all her feelings up and never told me I thought I was doing the right thing working overtime and providing for my family! My problem is that I've been like this for four months now,depressed,missing her and she still won't give me a second chance I need a woman's point of veiw on this do they ever change their minds or once the are emotionally detached that is it?i understand that my wife was upset but to be so loving one minute and so cold the next its such a horrible feeling and I just don't want to be made a fool of by somebody that I totally adore and cherish but just don't know anymore!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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