Trying to think straight.

[rae_lana]

So I didn't respond to anything he sent yesterday. He finally stopped sending me messages late in the afternoon. None of them were about this stuff anyway, all just things he thought I would find funny I guess.. Jokes and things, and one "you drive me crazy"

All day I was forcing myself not to reply. I succeeded.

 

It's hard not to, it is just like an addiction.

Then when I didn't get one for a couple hours I thought ok.. He realizes I just need some space. Then I found out he stopped right around the time she got home.

 

Not surprising.

 

On Saturday night we talked about how I was going to go crazy or we were going to get caught if we didn't stop. He suggested I go on something for anxiety.. He said I was being paranoid because nothing had happened to change anything. Odd because a couple weeks before he told me he was worried about phone records, even though neither of us share those with our spouses.

He seemed desperate to convince me this is sustainable the way it is and really tried to convince me that if we confessed at the same time he would take care of me.. Saying if we moved back to his home town nobody would know me and I wouldn't be judged.. He says we cannot confess separately which I agree.. But I don't think we should at all.

 

He would like to keep this all a secret too.. But not it I want to end it. He would rather end the friendship than the affair.. He was drunk when he said this so I'm hoping he's come to his senses.

 

I asked if we could take a break on the group friendship, I asked if he would make up excuses to her when she suggested we all hang out, and I would do the same.. At least for the next 30 days. So I can try and think straight.

 

He said ok.. But his wife just texted me saying he suggested we have a bon fire tomorrow night! And she is also planning a weekend trip away with all for of us.

 

He was drunk Saturday. I feel like me and him need to have this conversation again while sober.. But I don't want to contact him so I'm going to remain silent for now with him.. I told her that my husband are arguing lately and I want to just hang out at home and try to work on things.

 

I've made a lot of mistakes, I'm not trying to play the victim I'm just trying to get my head on straight.. I know what I'm supposed to do but then I do the opposite.

 

I used to text him at least one thing every single day.. I am proud that I'm changing that cycle.. I realize it doesn't fix what I've done but I'm trying.

 

Advice and insight is always appreciated.

 

I'm hurting because I don't want to believe he's just told me what I wanted to hear this whole time.. I want to believe he loves me. I know I shouldn't care, but I still do.

[rae_lana]

He just sent me an ILY text.

We've never said that to each other.

 

I really want to hear from other 'players' because its become so obvious to me he's doing whatever he can right now to get a reaction from me and its working.

 

I haven't responded.

[letmoc]

I say tell him you are ready to confess. I bet he backs off.

[rae_lana]

I say tell him you are ready to confess. I bet he backs off.

 

He wants to confess together if we do.. Like at the same time in front of both of them!

[velvette]

To me it seems as if you are letting whatever happened to you as a child control your whole life. This whole sorry situation is likely due to the trauma of that situation "bubbling up" and screaming at you to deal with it once and for all.

 

All your splitting off of yourself into different parts/stories, your lies, your fantasies, even your sexuality has not worked to suppress the pain of whatever happened to you.

 

It may have worked to cope when you were younger; but now these childish ways of suppressing your pain are causing your life to spiral out of control. You are not living the life you were meant to live because you are letting the past control you rather than dealing with it as an adult.

 

The only real answer for you is to get help to walk through that old pain so you can discard all the twisted coping mechanisms you use to suppress the pain. Then you will be able to understand who you really are and what you really want. You also will find the strength and integrity to make it happen.

 

It is hard work but on the other hand it is a relatively common dysfunction that most shrinks are familiar with. You could have a good life if you wanted to. You don't have to keep punishing yourself for whatever happened to you when you were too young to protect yourself.

[zevahc]

So I didn't respond to anything he sent yesterday. He finally stopped sending me messages late in the afternoon. None of them were about this stuff anyway, all just things he thought I would find funny I guess.. Jokes and things, and one "you drive me crazy"

All day I was forcing myself not to reply. I succeeded.

 

It's hard not to, it is just like an addiction.

Then when I didn't get one for a couple hours I thought ok.. He realizes I just need some space. Then I found out he stopped right around the time she got home.

 

Not surprising.

 

On Saturday night we talked about how I was going to go crazy or we were going to get caught if we didn't stop. He suggested I go on something for anxiety.. He said I was being paranoid because nothing had happened to change anything. Odd because a couple weeks before he told me he was worried about phone records, even though neither of us share those with our spouses.

He seemed desperate to convince me this is sustainable the way it is and really tried to convince me that if we confessed at the same time he would take care of me.. Saying if we moved back to his home town nobody would know me and I wouldn't be judged.. He says we cannot confess separately which I agree.. But I don't think we should at all.

 

He would like to keep this all a secret too.. But not it I want to end it. He would rather end the friendship than the affair.. He was drunk when he said this so I'm hoping he's come to his senses.

 

I asked if we could take a break on the group friendship, I asked if he would make up excuses to her when she suggested we all hang out, and I would do the same.. At least for the next 30 days. So I can try and think straight.

 

He said ok.. But his wife just texted me saying he suggested we have a bon fire tomorrow night! And she is also planning a weekend trip away with all for of us.

 

He was drunk Saturday. I feel like me and him need to have this conversation again while sober.. But I don't want to contact him so I'm going to remain silent for now with him.. I told her that my husband are arguing lately and I want to just hang out at home and try to work on things.

 

I've made a lot of mistakes, I'm not trying to play the victim I'm just trying to get my head on straight.. I know what I'm supposed to do but then I do the opposite.

 

I used to text him at least one thing every single day.. I am proud that I'm changing that cycle.. I realize it doesn't fix what I've done but I'm trying.

 

Advice and insight is always appreciated.

 

I'm hurting because I don't want to believe he's just told me what I wanted to hear this whole time.. I want to believe he loves me. I know I shouldn't care, but I still do.

 

Rae, our situations are different...yours is honestly more complex...but I will say the thing everyone here shares is habit and routine.

 

It truly takes about 21 days to change a habit. I've noticed that...xMW and myself no longer text or talk outside of work..and at work it's only professional now...which still hurts...i miss the conversation and my best friend. I miss it all..but where was it going...absolutely nowhere. Last breadcrumbs I got were about 2-3 weeks ago...and that makes me feel better for a few minutes. But what the heck are we doing here? Nothing..it cannot go on forever like this and not continue to suck. It's the definition of insanity.

 

Stick to what you did yesterday...ignore any conversation about you guys...do it for 3 weeks...and see how you feel then...make it a challenge to yourself. It's all the advice i have..b/c I still feel like crap honestly...i just have noticed instead of it being 100% of the time..it's about 80-90% of the time...and I guess that is progress to me.

[letmoc]

I call bulls*** on that. He just wants you to think he has feelings for you. He has no intention of telling his wife or being with you.

[rae_lana]

Ahh, man. That will go down real well. OK, we can give this guy points for Stupidity as well, lol.

 

Completely agree! His reasoning is that if I confess alone ill be putting myself directly in harms way since we both know my husbands anger well, safety is a concern, and also he thinks if he tells her before I have told him, she will go public and make sure all of our family's know and friends which she is very likely to do.. When she caught him cheating once before she announced it on Facebook and made it very public. He thinks if we tell them we have feelings for each other but leave out that we have already been in an affair it'll go over better .. I don't buy for one second they will think we came to them first.

 

I just picture major trauma and it makes me sick.

[rae_lana]

To me it seems as if you are letting whatever happened to you as a child control your whole life. This whole sorry situation is likely due to the trauma of that situation "bubbling up" and screaming at you to deal with it once and for all.

 

All your splitting off of yourself into different parts/stories, your lies, your fantasies, even your sexuality has not worked to suppress the pain of whatever happened to you.

 

It may have worked to cope when you were younger; but now these childish ways of suppressing your pain are causing your life to spiral out of control. You are not living the life you were meant to live because you are letting the past control you rather than dealing with it as an adult.

 

The only real answer for you is to get help to walk through that old pain so you can discard all the twisted coping mechanisms you use to suppress the pain. Then you will be able to understand who you really are and what you really want. You also will find the strength and integrity to make it happen.

 

It is hard work but on the other hand it is a relatively common dysfunction that most shrinks are familiar with. You could have a good life if you wanted to. You don't have to keep punishing yourself for whatever happened to you when you were too young to protect yourself.

 

I really don't think there will any closure to my past. I don't see how there could be.

It's not an excuse.. But I'll shed a little light on it, at ten years old my sisters then fiancé started having sex with me. I did tell her and my parents at 13, once they were already married. Nobody believed me.

They put me into counselling not to help me, but because I was a 'pathological liar"

They convinced me I made it up.

Instead of it stopping it progressed insanely after I confessed and then cousins and even an uncle joined in. Confessing meant everything got a million times worse for me and after that my life just got worse and worse and worse at home. I was a just a lying drug addict to all of them.

I met my now husband when I was 17 and never saw anyone I knew before that once I left with him and I don't ever want to see them again anyway.

[rae_lana]

Most OWs yearn to be loved.

 

Being loved is 'ultimate external validation".

 

The truth is: You are no more or less by being loved or not. In reality whatever OM feels would be moot for a woman with good self esteem. A woman with good self esteem does not need the external validation and is therefore able to make clear judgments regarding the quality of men.

 

Women with good self esteem are generally nauseated by men like OM.

 

Women with very low self esteem yearning to be loved tend to fall for men like OM.

 

Let me say this out loud:

 

The best thing that even happened to you was your husband (despite his imperfections). I beg you not to mess this up. You will be sorry for the rest of your life.

 

I get the whole validation thing. It makes sense. But I don't know how to stop craving it.

[rae_lana]

I get why people would think I'm playing the victim. I'm not a victim and I know it, I made my own choices.

[BetrayedH]

NC is the only way. And from what I've seen, it takes about six months before you really start letting go.

[writergal]

I really don't think there will any closure to my past. I don't see how there could be.

It's not an excuse.. But I'll shed a little light on it, at ten years old my sisters then fiancé started having sex with me. I did tell her and my parents at 13, once they were already married. Nobody believed me.

They put me into counselling not to help me, but because I was a 'pathological liar"

They convinced me I made it up.

Instead of it stopping it progressed insanely after I confessed and then cousins and even an uncle joined in. Confessing meant everything got a million times worse for me and after that my life just got worse and worse and worse at home. I was a just a lying drug addict to all of them.

I met my now husband when I was 17 and never saw anyone I knew before that once I left with him and I don't ever want to see them again anyway.

 

Given that you've already admitted to lying to your past shrinks, you're currently lying to your husband, children and your friend and family, and lying to us here who've read your story and engaged you in a discussion what makes you think we'll believe anything more that you write?

Edited September 23, 2013 by writergal

[rae_lana]

NC is the only way. And from what I've seen, it takes about six months before you really start letting go.

 

Six months...

I can't go no contact for 6 days let alone 6 months, but I could continue not to contact him or respond.

[rae_lana]

Given that you've already admitted to lying to your past shrinks, you're currently lying to your husband, children and your friend and family, and lying to us here who've read your story and engaged you in a discussion what makes you think we'll believe anything more that you write?

 

Thing is I don't really care if people here believe me or not.. It still helps to hear from people and gives me more insight.

Writing here is also a huge distraction for me so I stop thinking about him as being so perfect for me.

I was so sure our connection was one of a kind before coming here.

[William]

Members are directed to refrain from making specific and explicit references to sexual acts, as well as to refrain from stating or inferring the thread starter is a liar. If you cannot post to the topic and in a respectful manner, do not post. Thank you.

[HopingAgain]

He wants to confess together if we do.. Like at the same time in front of both of them!

 

Is this guy suicidal or something? No seriously is he? He seems like the type to want to go out in a blaze of glory and take you with him!

 

Anyway, whether you are caught or it comes out through confession the truth is coming out very soon. You will lose your H, your friend, and possibly custody of your kids over this. You will definitely lose their respect for you as a mom. And finally you will lose MM because he's a thrill seeker and once the thrill is gone he will be too. You'll probably end up alone with many people you claim to care for absolutely despising you. If that's not enough incentive for you to stop nothing is I guess.

[velvette]

I really don't think there will any closure to my past. I don't see how there could be.

It's not an excuse.. But I'll shed a little light on it, at ten years old my sisters then fiancé started having sex with me. I did tell her and my parents at 13, once they were already married. Nobody believed me.

They put me into counselling not to help me, but because I was a 'pathological liar"

They convinced me I made it up.

Instead of it stopping it progressed insanely after I confessed and then cousins and even an uncle joined in. Confessing meant everything got a million times worse for me and after that my life just got worse and worse and worse at home. I was a just a lying drug addict to all of them.

I met my now husband when I was 17 and never saw anyone I knew before that once I left with him and I don't ever want to see them again anyway.

 

I'm so sorry that happened to you. And, I do believe you because everything you are doing is typical of adults who were sexually abused as children and didn't get the appropriate help from family and therapists to deal with the trauma.

 

There is no excuse for your family and they victimized and betrayed you even more with the way they handled things.

 

Closure is an overrated word. What you need is to find a way to be at peace with what happened and to live your life free of it controlling you. That is entirely possible. Everything you are doing now is simply reenacting aspects of the original trauma in an attempt to make it come out better this time. It wont work. But as long as you keep trying to do it this way, you will keep blowing up your life thinking you can pick up the pieces and put them back together differently.

 

You could end this A today and soon you will be doing something else equally as destructive. Get professional help.

[AlwaysGrowing]

RL, you need a counselor whose field of expertise is in CSA. Run of the mill therapist often do more damage than good. (also in regard to infidelity I might add).

 

The coping skills of a child work only in being able to survive that time, not on how to move forward.

 

You are right, there is no true closure. It changed who you were, forever.

 

You can now direct that change as an adult. You can now go back and be there for that young girl. You can now have YOUR back.

[BetrayedH]

Six months...

I can't go no contact for 6 days let alone 6 months, but I could continue not to contact him or respond.

 

This is very common. The OM/OW board is full of people trying to maintain NC. If you seriously want to restore your marriage, this man has to go. It's the first and admittedly most difficult requirement. Almost all APs make several attempts; some manage to make it last and it gets easier over time. But you don't get there by saying you can't. The man has even said he only wants the sexual part of the relationship (which leaves you right where you are). There's only one positive outcome here and it begins with you ending your affair entirely.

[William]

This thread closed to comment pending a review by moderation.