BS wants to be my friend

[AutumnMoon]

I've read some posts here where the OW is a friend of the BS and they are judged very harshly for that.

Doesn't surprise me a lot, seems like no matter the sinner there is always someone out there who is sinning 'more'

 

Sin is sin in my eyes, but I agree with some past posts where one person said there are things in life that cause insult to injury and I would agree befriending your AP's spouse would be one of those.

 

What if BS is trying desperately to friend you??

 

Here is my trouble. His wife, wants badly to be my friend. I've always avoided it, we don't have much in common so it's not that hard, but being from a small area we have many mutual friends and do get together as couples quite a lot.

 

We started as couple friends because me and him have a lot in common and get together a lot and it seemed a natural progression. It's not usually just the four of us together but other couples as well.

 

His wife has always opened up to me a lot about their relationship, pretty much any chance she has to tell me about their non existent sex life or anything else she would share with a close friend she does. However me and her are not very close at all and I'd like to keep it that way.. I do NOT ask her for information.. I am not doing intel in order to steal her husband at all..I have No intention to leave my marriage, and neither has he.

 

She's been texting me and dropping by to chat. Her husband doesn't seemed concerned at al and encourages me to befriend her. He finds it amusing and asks me what she says about him.

I do not find it amusing at all.

 

He actually has a theory that she is well aware of our true relationship, has accepted it and just wants to keep me close in order to know what my intentions are.

 

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of becoming close to her and will continue to keep my distance.

 

Anyone else had experience with this??

Edited September 23, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[HopingAgain]

Just don't do it. Its one thing to have an affair with MM. But befriending the BS or pretending to be her friend is just flat out evil and beyond cruel. That is the type of experience that scars a person irreperably for life because its a double betrayal. Do you really want the knowledge that you've inflicted that type of severe psychological harm on another person on your conscience?

 

Also its very troubling that your MM is amused at the thought of you befriending his wife. You should be asking yourself why he has such a sick desire to hurt and humiliate her in such a way and why is he using you to do it?

[AutumnMoon]

Yeah me' date=' exactly the same. I ran..... I ignored and ran more. After three years, I told her the truth. I could not (cringe) ever be friends with her but she pursued me as much as her H did. And yes, I am sure now in retrospect, she knew something could be going on.[/quote']

 

Yes! It's really feels the closer and and him became she was pursuing me as strong as he was. She amped it up lately, always very very pleasant and wants to get together and opens up to me as if we have been friends for years. She gets detailed on their sex life, or lack there of.. And I get squeamish, no thanks.

[AutumnMoon]

I have not had this experience at all, but all kinds of red flags are going up in my mind as I read your post. I would doubt the sincerity of her wishes in this if she is really aware of your relationship with her husband. I would avoid, avoid, avoid her.

 

I am also concerned that he is amused. Is it like a game to him? I understand that neither of you wants to leave your marriages, and that's fine - then everyone agrees on an open marriage, no? If that is NOT the case, him trying to get intel from you about her is concerning to me.

 

I have no doubt that they are probably in a sexless/intimacy-less marriage, those are a dime a dozen - so common. But, if it's a "secret" affair, then it's particularly cruel (imo) to befriend her, even at her request. Kindly decline and carry on how you choose. But, if she is aware and you are all in agreement to an open marriage, well, whatever works and to each their own and all that.

 

Oh yes, he's all about the rush and the thrill. So am I, that's why we're having an affair in the first place, I'm the first to admit it.

But I'm not into laughing at our spouses behind their backs, I think what we are doing is bad enough I don't see the need.. It just seems mean.

[MissBee]

Well for me the short answer is no.

 

My A happened largely because I didn't know his significant other at all and none of us run in the same circles and it was long distance, so no chance of a messy intermingling of lives. I doubt very much I'd have been able to handle an affair with someone in my circle and I absolutely would not befriend their spouse or take them up on their offer for friendship.

 

I also find it quite.........that your MM finds it amusing. Smh. I'd be turned off of him at that point personally and wouldn't bother at all with any of it. His twisted way of sticking it to his wife and her too close for comfort friendship. No thanks. I'm the one who probably said the insult to injury thing, and yep, while "sin" is "sin" some things really make it even worse, and this is one of them.

[AutumnMoon]

Just don't do it. Its one thing to have an affair with MM. But befriending the BS or pretending to be her friend is just flat out evil and beyond cruel. That is the type of experience that scars a person irreperably for life because its a double betrayal. Do you really want the knowledge that you've inflicted that type of severe psychological harm on another person on your conscience?

 

Also its very troubling that your MM is amused at the thought of you befriending his wife. You should be asking yourself why he has such a sick desire to hurt and humiliate her in such a way and why is he using you to do it?

 

It's not surprising to me that he finds it amusing, only surprising that he encourages me to friend her.. The reason I am not shocked he finds it amusing is because humiliation/dirty/taboo that's he gets off on in general. I can separate these two worlds better than he can I guess because I don't intend to include our spouses in our affair.

[ladydesigner]

Honestly I think it is odd, but that is me and I am a fMOW and BS. I have no desire to be friends with MOW. Maybe she is the type of person who likes to keep her enemies close.

[ladydesigner]

It's not surprising to me that he finds it amusing, only surprising that he encourages me to friend her.. The reason I am not shocked he finds it amusing is because humiliation/dirty/taboo that's he gets off on in general. I can separate these two worlds better than he can I guess because I don't intend to include our spouses in our affair.

 

I'm sorry but the bold is just . Does his wife know he is into this sh*t?

[TheOW]

I knew her (I'm the same small town so everyone knows everyone even tho there is a 20 yr age gap) it was hard to avoid her but when I did see her she was always friendly which I'm ashamed to admit It didn't bother me as much as it should. One day sticks in my mind I was off to meet her husband and I bumped into her and walked with her for 15 minutes I couldn't get away from her as it was a straight road and we were walking in the same direction. Half an hour later I was in bed with him it still didn't bother me.

 

Blind indeed I look back and almost vomit at the thought of my lack of guilt or empathy I was so into this man and in love with him nothing phased me.

[TheOW]

Well i must be different because if i bumped into her and then saw him, i would puke.

 

Guess some are more sensitive.....

 

 

Once years ago, we were invited to the same party and he said he was not going to go, then he just turned up and it was hell for me. He admitted years later he got off on it. ME I was just :sick: When he admitted he loved me months later that sort of stuff didn't turn him on any more.

 

 

I don't know if u knew her before the A started??

 

I've known them for some time I always had the hots for him but didn't think anything of it as he was married and a lot older. I always tried to stay clear of her, but I know what you mean about going out they were out one evening and so was I and honestly I think we both got off on it texting each other etc and staring at each other all night. It was very intense, twisted and extremely addictive for both of us. He felt more guilt than I ever did he always split with me but he also couldn't resist me and eventually I would talk him back into it. Think the longest we ever split was for 3 days - that is until we were eventually caught and BOOM

[AutumnMoon]

It's one thing to be into something sexually, but to intentionally add complete humiliation to an act that will most likely already destroy her is just cruel beyond words.

 

I'm surprised anyone is attracted to such an unlikable person.

 

He's not unlikable at all. I would describe him as charming, almost magnetic. He's good looking but if you didn't speak to him you might walk on by.. As soon as anyone talks to him they are drawn in. He's very likeable.

 

He has another side to him and be usually keeps it separated but this has all been a whirlwind. Sometimes hormones and emotions get the best of a person.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm sorry but the bold is just . Does his wife know he is into this sh*t?

 

She is pretty well aware of most of what he likes. She find it disgusting for the most part and jokes about it.. Laughing that he's a pervert. I like most of the same things he does though so I don't find them all that perverted.

 

She knows how high his sex drive is, and that he is pretty kinky and that he's cheated, but he's never had an affair before. I consider an affair more than one time? More of an ongoing relationship but I'm sure others will disagree. One night stands, he's had a couple in their relationship both of which she found out about. But she claims to believe him to be 100 percent faithful now .. And jokes about how she doesn't like sex and hates kissing him and he has to "help himself" when he needs to.

 

I know I sound biased against her, but she really says those things to me.

 

And we are not friends.. We've maybe spent an hour alone at the most at one time together, usually there are other people around.

When I read this back to myself, I really have to think she must know.

 

I'm a female best friend of her high sex drive perverted husband. Maybe she's just really trusting but I don't know.

 

I shouldn't say we are not friends at all.

 

I guess I say that because I hang out with her because she's with him, I do things with him apart from her, Not related to the affair, but not with her.

Edited September 24, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[AutumnMoon]

Odd. She either knows and is fishing or she doesn't know yet wants to scare you off.

 

Regardless, she's humiliating herself by telling you these things. If you continue to listen, you'll be humiliating yourself more than the affair already does.

 

Dangerous game here. If she knows or finds out, I guarantee your husband will be first on her list to be informed. Wait until she tells him her husband's kinky tastes.

 

Men don't like imagining their wife getting kinky with another man.

 

My husband knows this guy is my friend, knows we hang out. He works away and it home a couple days every week and a half or so right now. He's done more with OM than I have with his wife for sure, but my husband is extremely cocky, wouldn't for a second think I would sleep with him. Not that he has full trust I wouldn't cheat.. Just with this guy specifically, he has no worries about this guy. Again.. Knowing how forward he is, and about his past.

[AutumnMoon]

It's very possible she suspects. But I do not think she's gathering evidence, I think she really wants to become my friend. She calls me her sister wife.. No joking around here. But also confirms if she was a sister wife she would be the only one her husband could sleep with.

All again, things she has said to me when we were left alone for like 10 minutes!

[thefooloftheyear]

Seems like a classic case of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer..

 

TFY

[AutumnMoon]

With those comments, I'm voting that she knows. She's sizing you up.

 

For what though? It doesn't appear to be in a negative way it's like she genuinely wants to get close to me. He'll say she would leave if she found out, but then the last couple months she has been so friendly, and reaching out to me apart from him more and more and he tells me she probably likes it. She has made it clear to me she does not suspect he's cheating at all anymore unless she's a great actress.

[AutumnMoon]

An example of friendly, we are going to two overnight concerts within a months of each other this fall and she doesn't mind at all, was invited to come along and declined, so did my husband, just not their kind of music. We are going with other people and we are all in our own hotel rooms.

She asked me to tell her if he goes to a strip club because she would rather he not.

[velvette]

An example of friendly, we are going to two overnight concerts within a months of each other this fall and she doesn't mind at all, was invited to come along and declined, so did my husband, just not their kind of music. We are going with other people and we are all in our own hotel rooms.

She asked me to tell her if he goes to a strip club because she would rather he not.

 

Your story sounded familiar, so I read some of your back stories.

 

They are so similar to another poster's stories its eerie. The same pig MM, kinky sex, couple friendship, etc.etc. The only difference is she is already besties with MM BS. So maybe you could read her threads to see where this is going;)

 

My advice to you is the same I gave her, seek professional help if this is real. If its just bad fiction, don't quit your day job.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My gut says she knows something is up and this is why she is pursuing you. She thinks you might reveal something. On the other hand, he is twisted. My XMM also got great pleasure out of knowing that his wife liked to be with me as well. Looking back it was all just sick and twisted.

[AutumnMoon]

Your story sounded familiar, so I read some of your back stories.

 

They are so similar to another poster's stories its eerie. The same pig MM, kinky sex, couple friendship, etc.etc. The only difference is she is already besties with MM BS. So maybe you could read her threads to see where this is going;)

 

My advice to you is the same I gave her, seek professional help if this is real. If its just bad fiction, don't quit your day job.

 

Really eerie actually other than her past, mines not near as bad, but my other mans past seemed similar to her AP's too.

I have read them. I found this site after searching for stories similar to mine and it seems like it could almost be the same guy. I'm not leaving my husband for this guy at all, this is what it is, an affair and friendship not a love story.

Edited September 24, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[AutumnMoon]

Don't forget the similar callous writing styles. LOL, I thought I was the only one who noticed the similarities. Must be something in the water.

 

Anyway, don't befriend the wife. Not a good idea.

 

I have a callous writing style??

[whichwayisup]

I'm not leaving my husband for this guy at all, this is what it is, an affair and friendship not a love story.

 

Is it worth it? Your consquences and fall out is huge if your H finds out.

 

I agree, his wife knows something is up between you two and that old expression keep your friends close and your enemies closer rings true right now. Don't fool yourself into thinking his wife is being friendly. she knows you're into her husband, she has seen you two and probably how you look at one another and felt some sort of energy between you two as well.

 

How long do you intend on continuing this? Sooner or later she is gonna bust you two to your husband.

[AutumnMoon]

Is it worth it? Your consquences and fall out is huge if your H finds out.

 

I agree, his wife knows something is up between you two and that old expression keep your friends close and your enemies closer rings true right now. Don't fool yourself into thinking his wife is being friendly. she knows you're into her husband, she has seen you two and probably how you look at one another and felt some sort of energy between you two as well.

 

How long do you intend on continuing this? Sooner or later she is gonna bust you two to your husband.

 

My husband works away from home he's fine with me having friends, male or female and this guy just happens to be one of them. His wife doesn't mind that we are friends either.

As I read this all back I am starting to think she must know and just wants to make sure my intentions are not to break up their home, which I have no intention to do.

 

As for why she would tell me that stuff if it degrades it husband, she's gotten more descriptive than that and I'm not the only person she tells that's stuff too.. We will be playing a card game with three other women and she'll do the same.. Talk about how he's always horny and how she's grossed out by kissing and would rather never have to kiss on the mouth. I do not know how she can be so aware of his nature, but have no suspicions that he would look for affection else where if hes not getting it at home.

 

We will continue as long as we are both getting something out of it I guess, but I don't want our family situations to change, I'd walk away if I thought it was going to be exposed to the town.

[AutumnMoon]

The OW in my case always tried to be friends with me (before the A) She worked with my H for several years prior to the A. She used to talk to me and hug me every time I saw her, chat with me when I called his workplace. She asked me several times how I stand being married to him because he's such a jerk and mean to "the girls" at work.

We went to her wedding and I went to her baby shower........we weren't friends, so to speak, but I knew this girl.....imagine my shock

 

It did make it easier to talk to her when it all went down. I told her she could have the "jerk" Good luck with it honey.

 

Ok, well this is the kind of thing this woman does to me. Hugs me, calls to chat, and calls him a jerk to ME.. But I'm the OM, she's the wife. We are from a small area so it does make sense she would want to be my friend I guess.

 

Do you think that woman just wanted to convince you that she was not attracted to your husband?

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'd walk away if I thought it was going to be exposed to the town.

 

This always puzzles me.

 

You know. Isn't that the person that you should be most worried about. Your view of yourself?

 

I don't understand how that works in ones mind. Its okay to view/act towards yourself in an undignified, disrespectful way..towards your character, good name, values, self worth..but you don't want anyone else to know?

 

For me....me knowing would be enough. I am my own conscious.