HELP!! Is it normal for husband to have female friends????!?!?!?!

[DesperatelyUnsure]

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Hello to all..I hope someone has some helpful advice because I desperately need it. I have been married for almost 8 years. This is my second marriage and we are in a state of turmoil. Amongst many other obstacles we are dealing with the one that's causing allot of tension lately is the fact that my husband is friends with another women and I don't know if I should be concerned or if i'm over reacting..

 

MY husband has been friends with this particular women since school which now has been for aprox. 12-13 years. From what I understand they've never dated but were just good friends. When we were first married this women had separated from her husband...and called on my husband for help moving (Prior to this event she didn't have contact with my husband didn't call and I didn't hear much about her all the sudden she was there)etc..etc.. I did not mind this because I too at one time had gone through a divorce and needed people to help me move and friends for support. So I didn't have a problem with this. However then she started calling and my husband would go over to her apt. and hang out while I was at work and stay there until I would get out of work (I worked nights then). This was when I started having a problem with this "Friendship". I potentially saw disaster. So I made it known that I wasn't keen on this "Friendship" and as far as I had known they stopped having contact on a regular basis. Over the next 6 years they stayed intouch via email and maybe an occasional phone call (not exactly sure about the phone but know of email)We had also moved out of state (4.5 years)so I know they hadn't seen each other.

 

Ok..So now we've moved back to his home state and have been back a year. Up until about a month ago this women didn't call and wasn't an issue. My husband and I are having problems in our marriage due to other factors, Children from previous marriage (Mine), Financial, other women friends from past (none that I know of were affairs but were "Just friends" , and has recently brought up the topic of separation. In the last three weeks this women has all the suddenly re-surfaced and is calling my husband (When i'm not home) and he too is calling her. He has confided in her about the problems we are having in our family and in our marriage. He knows from the past how I feel about this particular women and why I feel the way I do. However, Now all the sudden "she is and has been a "Good Friend", has always been there and will always be a "Good Friend" and isn't going anywhere and I need to except that". He told me he's not cheating on me with her and swears he would never cheat on his wife. Said he's just not that type of person. I have expressed to him that I wouldn't have such a problem with this women if our relationship was stable and I felt secure with our marriage. I also shared with him that if he put as much effort into being my friend as he puts into being her friend..we might not be in the state we are in now. He tells me it takes no effort to be friends with her..but it takes effort to be my friend.

 

In the last 8 years of marriage I have never met this women. I have seen her from a far (Once at the mall) but have never been introduced to her. I have spoken to her on the phone twice and that was only to answer the phone and her to ask to speak to him. He has told her that I'm not comfortable with there friendship and from what I gather both of them feel i'm being foolish for having a problem with them being Friends.I know he's called her because I have hit re-dial on the phone and her number has come up..but asked him and he tells me he hasn't talked to her. She is still married to the same man she had once separated from to whom she did have an extra marital relationship. Just another reason I don't trust her.

 

Recently, we are having problems regarding my child from a previous marriage and had a mini series of events that have created great turmoil in our home. Shortly after a recent episode we were talking about things and he asked me when would be a good time for her and her husband and children to come over for dinner. I was appalled at the timing of this. With everything we have going on now you want to force this upon me as well. I just didn't understand and don't. All the sudden she's back..and she couldn't have worse timing. I have shared with my husband that when your unhappy in a marriage and start confiding in another person when you should be talking to your spouse, how easy it is for one thing to lead to another. This is how affairs happen. People don't go out looking to cheat (well maybe some do) but for the most part it's not something they look for. He doesn't understand this, say's I need to trust him. However things in the past has happend with other women which has shaken my trust. No he didn't cheat..but did lie to me about where about and was with another women who took him to dinner (They did have another Male friend with him but she bought him dinner) and I had found out they were in a bar from my co workers who had seen them the next day. I know this isn't making my husband look good..but I'm trying really hard to give him a benefit of the doubt. He swears he's never cheated on me..and I shouldn't worry about him having female friends if he's not doing something he's not supposed to be doing. He say's he's not cheating, never has, never would. I did tell him you can't say you Never will, you don't know. I know how I feel right now, and have no desire to cheat never have..that doesn't mean I can realistically say NO I Never will. Because I've seen it to many times.."well ya know..it just happened, wasn't looking for it to happened but surprise."

 

I know I'm jumping around and probably leaving out important factors..but My main question is..Should I be concerned about this women???? Can men and women be just friends without it evolving into something more???? Because My husband and I used to be good friends before we dated. Knew him 6 years before..and just thought of him as a friend then we started hanging out..and well now were married with a child of our own. But somewhere along the way..the friendship we had is no longer there. I realize if it's going to happen there's nothing I can do about it...but can't help to feel threatened by this women.

[zara]

okay, now i am not married, never have been and at the rate i'm going never will be. However, your situation is not unfamiliar to me.

 

I have a dear dear friend who i have known for about 12 years, since school. He has a partner and kids now and has done for about four year and i'm a relationship disaster zone. He's helped me move a few times in my life and has done twice over the past few years when my relationship ended. His gf has never met me, but only becuase she likes to control him and will not allow him to socialise so he has to sneak out to see me. Now there is NOTHING going on, never has, never would be. But she just about tolerates him having male friends but obviously female friends are too much for her to bear.

 

Now me and this guy have been friends for so long, we've been through thick and thin together - his gf has just dumped him for the umpteenth time and so it's been me on the other end of the phone at 2am when he's upset - and if he allowed her to end our friendship who would he have at times like that?

 

I would have loved for this woman to reach out the hand of frinedship and get to know me and then maybe she wouldn't have built up this terrible picture of me in her head (she has recently been discovered badmouthing me to a friend of hers, even though she doesn't know me!) when in fact what i would love is to know that my dear friend is being treated well in his relationship and that his partner appreciates that he is such a great guy he can form successful platonic friendships with women.

 

You have to think logically about this. If anything were ever going to happen between them it would have happened a long time ago by now! After knowing each other for so long they probably couldn't imagine being anything other than friends. I know that for me it'd be like making a move on my brother or something - just WRONG! What you have is a husband with some qualities that are so special that he is able to respect a woman as a friend and confidante, rather than viewing all women as sexual partners. Becasue of this it is likely that he will have insights into the female psyche and someone to advise him to sit and think and listen to things from your point of view. That can be incredibly helpful.

[Beth]

Sounds like your marriage has hit a very bumpy patch. In a way its good that your husband has someone else to talk with about his feelings and his perception of what has gone awry in your marriage -- but it might be healthier for both of you if you were seeking some professional counseling to get your marriage back on track.

 

Have you tried the <URL removed> website? There is some excellent information there that may help you keep focused on individual problems and give some suggestions on how you can help yourselves and each other. Once you have read the material there are questionnaires that you and your husband can use as tools for a productive and structured discussion. Without some guidance "talks" can often become gripe-sessions that are not productive at all.

 

Guidance from an outside source such as a counselor may be all you need to work through this. Take a look at the website and read the information and discuss what seems relevant. I would suggest looking into some counseling in your area. Perhaps there is an EAP program through work, or even church counseling.

 

Talking to a friend is helpful sometimes, but a friend is more likely to simply be supportive and not provide any real guidance or suggestions that will benefit you both.

 

Don't panic. Don't make any demands. Tell you husband that you have some concerns and you want to work on them so that you can both be happy. Then you can request that he change or limit his time with this woman until you are both on a path to heal your marriage. He might have some requests for you too! That is a good thing--it means you are communicating and taking steps together.

[Debster]

Ok, the big thing here is why you have never met this woman. I'm sure that if you did, you would relax about it.

The fact that you husband wanted you to meet her, to me, says that he is being faithful and jsut trying to get you to understand and accept their friendship. My husband has some female friends. He made a big deal out of making sure that I have met them. It helps a lot ot be able to put a face to a name. Some have also become my friends. Some haven't. Another, I specifically asked him to meet with her without me because she drives me nuts! The point is, you should be a part of your husband's life and know his friends. And vice versa.

 

RIght now you are picturing her as the big bad wolf. When really, in reality, she might be just a good friend.

 

I too have guy friends. I wouldn't appreciate it if my husband had a problem with that - unless there is a valid reason. When in a marriage, trust is key. The fact that you think your husband is cheating, is, IMO, a smaller issue than the fact that you don't trust your husband and try to restrict his movements.

[DesperatelyUnsure]

I appreciate all your responses, I really do!!

 

I would like to share that my husband and I are in counseling (Just started). I think I wouldn't have such a problem with this relationship if #1. I had/have met her before now, it's only been 8 years that we've been together if she was such a good friend all along..then why hasn't he had her around me so I could get to know her and see what it is that he see's in her #2. He was talking to ME, His wife about our problems and trying to work on our relationship rather then talking to her about it.3# If they weren't only talking and calling each other when I'm not home. To me that makes me feel it's sneaky. Not to mention when I had asked him if he had called her within the last three days or talked to her he said No and I hit redial on the phone a few evenings ago only to have her phone number come up.

 

I realize people need friends to talk to at times..and realize your spouse can't always be that person to confide in. However what is so upsetting to me is that I remember how wonderful our marriage used to be we used to be great friends. But somewhere along the way we've lost that. I was friends with this man for 6 years prior to us dating and never thought about him in a romantic sense it was like "Wahoo Surprise". So this is where my insecurities come into play. At this time I don't think he's sleeping with this women..but with our relationship in such a disseray I see where it could eventually happen. I mean you hear it everyday..I wasn't looking to fall inlove with this person..It just happend.

 

My husband also goes out with his friends. I have no problem with that..everyone needs to go out with there friends at times and all I ask is if he's going to be late to call so I don't worry..but he stays out all night. He'll leave the house at 7ish pm and not return home until 6-7am the following morning but hes' just hanging out with his friends. To me this isn't normal. When I go out I don't stay out all night but if i'm not home by 11-12 pm I'm in hot water. I just don't get the dbl standards.

[DesperatelyUnsure]

Just to clairify..when he goes out with his buddies..there male. Only once that I know of was he with a guy friend and a female. She took him to dinner and they ended up in a bar together. Then she started sleeping with someone else. She to is and at the time was married.

[SoleMate]

It's OK for a married person to have opposite sex friends...of course. But what's not OK is for:

 

* for there to be just one special friend

 

* for the spouse not to know the friend

 

* for the married person to talk about marriage problems and encourage or permit the friend to side with him in criticism of the wife

 

* for the married person to be adamant about continuing the friendship even when the spouse is very uncomfortable with it

 

* for the married person and the special friend to do anything that resembles courtship/relationship behavior - like travel together, have 1:1 intimate dinners, give expensive gifts, etc.

 

Crying on an opposite sex shoulder when your marriage is in trouble is very risky behavior. It is how many affairs start.

 

So yes, I think your marriage is at risk. The friend is not the direct cause, but she's there to drive a wedge (even if unintentionally) into the cracks of your marriage.

[zara]

Sometimes friendships, particularly longstanding ones, do not involve constant contact. Especially if one or both are involved or become involved in new relationships. i hadn't seen or spoken to my best male friend in months until he called me needing support becuase his gf kicked him out. Equally, there are female friends that i only get to see about once a year and sometimes don't even talk to for 6 months, but i know i could call on them in a crisis because we have been friends for so many years.

 

i would be more worried about his staying out all night with male friends - where on earth does he go and what does he do? If he was a teenager then you could specualte that he might be off at some all night rave or laying in a field getting stoned and watching the sunrise as teenagers are want to do. But when a grown man doesn't roll in until that time then i think you are right to be concerned. As you point out, if you were to do the same all hell would break loose!

 

I really think you need to not make this woman the focus of your problems, since it is evident that there are other issues here, but like Solemate says, you need to concentrate on your counselling.

[Debster]

The whole sneakiness and lying could be because he wanted to avoid a big scene with you. IMO, you have been checking up on him and treating him a bit like a child. If I was him, I would resent it and it would drive a wedge in my relationship.

 

I agree with Zara, sometimes friendships, close friendships can go a long time without seeing/talking.

The key is to know that you can always turn to them. I think, quite frankly, the going out all night is a bigger issue.

 

I agree, it sounds like your marriage is going through a rough patch. I think, though, that you need to realize that not only his actions have caused it, but yours as well.

[niko1999]

Yeah, my best freind is a male(one of them), and we have known eachother for nine years now. We live on other parts of the country, away from eachother. But its a freindship that doesnt need to be nurtured. Its just there. Now, so far as him asking you when was a good time for them to come to dinner, I would see that as a step in the RIGHT direction, not the wrong one. Obviously, he feels that perhaps if you finallly had the chance to meet this woman, saw how they are to eachother, than maybe you would chill a little bit on this. Many freindships that last for that long, turn out to be more like brother sister relationships. As far as him lying to you, I cant say as that I blame him, becuase he knows if he tells you yes, he did talkt o her, you would fly off the handle. So while his lying is wrong, he is trying to avoid an argument that he knows would be inevitable between the two of you.

 

 

He was friends with her BEFORE he even met you, right? then why should you expect him to just drop a freindship out of the blue? Sadly, these days, a freindship is more reliable than a marriage. And he knows, that if anything should happen between the two of you, that she will be there. Becuase she always has been. My guess about her? Shes like an old pair of jeans.Myabe theyre a bit worn, with some holes, but theyre so comfortalbe, though you may only wear them when painting, you still have them, and theyre still there to put on when you want them.

[Devildog]

I agree with solemate on this. It sounds like an emotional affair to me. I am dealing with a similar situation with my wife, only the "friend" has made a pass at my wife before when we were dating, so that is why I have issues with it.

 

But even though him visiting at my house after I left for work and me having issues with it were what brought us to a seperation and to the brink of considering divorce, the reality, as my counsellor says, is this is a symptom, not the problem in our marriage. There are underlying issues in your marriage that is making it easier for him to talk to his friend than it is to you. If you are seeking marriage counseling together I think it is a great start. You will both learn what it is you are doing that is causing the problems and find ways to fix the problems. Sometimes you need a neutral outside opinion to tell you when you are being petty, insane, over-reacting, expecting too much, etc.

 

Problems like this are not the fault of one person, both of you have contributed in getting to this point in your marriage. It is actually very common to hit a patch like this in most marriages between the 5th and 7th year, so you are just hitting it a bit later than most. I think the counseling will make all the difference for you.

[Hurt]

There is no room for exs or oppisite genders if the mate is not confortable! period! You are and should be the only person, if your mate or his friend cannot understand this, then let him go!

[Stinkerbelle]

I think he and she should make an effort to include you in the friendship.

 

You need to behave in a way which is not unreasonably jealous, so that he feels safe being honest with you about their conversations, etc.

 

And he needs to explain to her that now that he's married, the way they spend time together might need to change.

 

On your part, you need to also extend the olive branch -- I don't think this woman is your enemy. Maybe you should invite her over to dinner, with another few friends, including perhaps a very nice single man for her to talk to...

 

My fiance and I have endured a long-distance relationship because we were ok with the other having friends of the opposite sex -- but during our visits to each other, we made sure to introduce each other to those friends -- and to explain quite clearly to those people that we were getting married, and loved each other, and that WE enjoyed their company and friendship. so no problems.

[whichwayisup]

In the last 8 years of marriage I have never met this women. I have seen her from a far (Once at the mall) but have never been introduced to her. I have spoken to her on the phone twice and that was only to answer the phone and her to ask to speak to him. He has told her that I'm not comfortable with there friendship and from what I gather both of them feel i'm being foolish for having a problem with them being Friends.I know he's called her because I have hit re-dial on the phone and her number has come up..but asked him and he tells me he hasn't talked to her. She is still married to the same man she had once separated from to whom she did have an extra marital relationship. Just another reason I don't trust her.

 

He has to include you in the friendship, I totally agree with Stinkerbell. She infact should be INSISTING on it, being a woman and all she KNOWS the female mind and how it works.

 

I think that it's okay to have friends of the opposite sex in a marriage, but the SO has to be included sometimes as well. Make the first step...Invite her and her SO to dinner. Watch her, see her reactions and see how they interact with eachother. They've been buddies for a long time, and if there's nothing really going on then you'll know by the end of the night...Listen to your gut.

 

He tells me it takes no effort to be friends with her..but it takes effort to be my friend.

 

Maybe it's time to see a marriage counsillor. Ouch.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by Debster

The whole sneakiness and lying could be because he wanted to avoid a big scene with you. IMO, you have been checking up on him and treating him a bit like a child. If I was him, I would resent it and it would drive a wedge in my relationship.

 

I agree with Zara, sometimes friendships, close friendships can go a long time without seeing/talking.

The key is to know that you can always turn to them. I think, quite frankly, the going out all night is a bigger issue.

 

I agree, it sounds like your marriage is going through a rough patch. I think, though, that you need to realize that not only his actions have caused it, but yours as well.

 

There is still no justifiable excuse for sneaking around and lying to your spouse, even if it is under the guise of trying to avoid a big scene. There's got to be honest and trust in a marriage of you have nothing. I don't think she's treating him like a child at all. A husband doesn't need to confide in another woman about his marital problems - if he needs to get things off his chest so bad, talk to someone who's qualified, like a counsellor or therapist. It's a breach of trust and confidentiality, from a moral standpoint, to go off telling your business to someone that your spouse is rightly uncomfortable with. This friend of his doesn't exactly have a glowing past. She's cheated on her own husband. Both she and the poster's husband seem too dependent on one another.

 

He seems very clueless and disrespectful to her needs. It's not like she's been hiring a private detective to watch him. Most women I know wouldn't have put up with this for the length of time she has. And if there was nothing "bad" going on, he should have introduced this friend, formally, to his wife years ago.

 

And he's obviously lost if he can claim that being a friend with this other woman is easier than being a friend to his wife. That's an ignorant remark. Of course it's easier, he doesn't have to go through real life and the real struggles in life with his "Friend." What a heartless thing to say to a wife, IMO. How would you feel if you had a husband and he told you something like that?

 

Again, lying and sneaking around to allegedly "avoid a big scene" is not ever a justifiable reason to do so. It's still dishonest and a definite betrayal of the marriage bond. Perhaps this poster's husband and the "friend" should both spend less time confiding in one another and more time working on their respective relationships, more time with the actual people they committed their lives and love to.

[DesperatelyUnsure]

I appreciate all your responses..they're very helpful..

 

I would like to say..that by no means do I expect him to ditch his friends..any of them male or femlale nor would I expect that from him. I realize even as a couple..one needs that seperate space persay. I also realize this hasn't happend by my own doing..it does take 2 to make or break a marriage. I also agree that this women isn't the cause for our problems..but at this time...she's just an added burden. I don't follow him around or call him 100 times a day to check on him..so I don't want anyone thinking i'm this obsessive psycho wife. I trust him when he tells me where's he's going or who's he's with. However there has been epsisodes in the past that have shaken that trust. But that's another issue in it's self. I'm just glad to get the insight from other people. It really helps. Thanks all!!!