Thinking about going NC...

[brittanyanderson]

And I am absolutely terrified. I go back and forth from feeling like its what I have to do, to not being able to imagine my life without him in it. The point of me going NC with him would be to give him sort of a wake up call. To realize that yes, if things don’t change, I’m out. I’ve never ever given him an ultimatum but want to make him feel the stress of “its me or her.” And even though he says he loves me, I’m the love of his life, he wants to marry me….I don’t think he would choose me. And that’s what scared the **** out of me.

 

Will I be able to handle that rejection from the person that I love most in this world? What if he truly doesn’t care, and he just goes on living his life as if I never existed? I read stories about OW going NC and MM always at some point tries to call or text. What if he was glad that I left so his life would be less complicated Idk

 

Ladies (or men) who have gone NC, can you give me some advice or the details of your situation? Was it over for good? Did he try to come back? Did he actually leave her? Etc.

 

Thanks guys. I’m just so heartbroken and torn right now. I feel so hopeless. Any advice will help.

[KentuckyGent]

And I am absolutely terrified. I go back and forth from feeling like its what I have to do, to not being able to imagine my life without him in it. The point of me going NC with him would be to give him sort of a wake up call. To realize that yes, if things don’t change, I’m out. I’ve never ever given him an ultimatum but want to make him feel the stress of “its me or her.” And even though he says he loves me, I’m the love of his life, he wants to marry me….I don’t think he would choose me. And that’s what scared the **** out of me.

 

Will I be able to handle that rejection from the person that I love most in this world? What if he truly doesn’t care, and he just goes on living his life as if I never existed? I read stories about OW going NC and MM always at some point tries to call or text. What if he was glad that I left so his life would be less complicated Idk

 

Ladies (or men) who have gone NC, can you give me some advice or the details of your situation? Was it over for good? Did he try to come back? Did he actually leave her? Etc.

 

Thanks guys. I’m just so heartbroken and torn right now. I feel so hopeless. Any advice will help.

 

 

1. He won't choose you. You aren't the love of his life and he doesn't want to marry you. He's a liar and a manipulator and these guys and women are good at it.

 

2. He will try to contact you. . . but only to try and convince you to let him keep eating cake.

 

3. Or as in my case he'll keep contacting you just to make sure you stay on pins and needles missing him. This is what narcissists and sociopaths do.

 

4. Unless you're content with always being the OW you should stay NC.

[bentleychic]

Only give him an ultimatum if you mean it and are going to be okay with whatever choice he makes.

 

I won't agree that he doesn't love you as was said above, but I do think MANY MM balk when pushed in a corner and told to make a choice, especially if it's not something you all have really discussed before.

 

Good luck!

[KentuckyGent]

Ok let me re-phrase: He doesn't love you enough to be with you full time nor as much as you love him.

[sweet_pea]

I think going NC is a good idea for you in general. To be honest, from what I remember, he isn't even married/engaged. If he is serious about his feelings for you, that you are the love of his life, then he should have broken up with BS to be with you after DDay, instead of keeping you OW.

[georgia girl]

Just my opinion, DON'T go no contact to attempt to control his reactions (and that's exactly what you're doing if you're hoping to shake him out of complacency.)

 

Going no contact should only ever be done for YOU. Do it because it's what YOU want. What YOU need to do to heal.

 

All you will get from going no contact without the right intentions is that this guy will chase you for a very short period of time - until the crisis is over. Then, he'll go back to his complacency. Then, what happens? You go no contact again? Get more promises, more professions of love and more short-term dedication?

 

It's a vicious cycle you're about to jump on. Lots of highs, lots of lows, lots of soul destruction.

 

If you're done, you're done. There should be NOTHING he can do to get you now. If you're not done, then it's a ploy and I think it will be short-term effective, long-term destructive.

[LilGirlandOW]

You have some really good advice here

 

Sort out your feelings and weigh the possible outcomes carefully.

 

Goodluck OP xoxo

[KentuckyGent]

Excellent points from Georgia. Please take it from those that have been there. It truly is soul crushing.

[tryingto]

I also agree that you should not go NC in attempts to shake him up enough to make a decision. I personally feel you should go NC because that is what is best for you. You need to be prepared to end the relationship as it is now because what it is at this time is NOT what you deserve. I think you should use NC to heal, open the doors to new opportunities and begin to create a life without him in it. You deserve someone who is with you AND only you, someone who is as committed to you as you are to him. Use the break-up to focus on the fact that you have to move away from him to become a happier, less tormented and healthier you. I will tell you from experience that it will hurt like hell but it is a necessary step to move away from your toxic relationship. Any relationship where you have to share the person you love with (and take the backseat to) someone else is unhealthy, erodes your self worth and wreaks havoc on your heart and mind.

 

IF (and this is a very BIG if) NC results in him reevaluating his relationship with you and his primary relationship with his SO AND he makes the necessary changes in his life to be everything you deserve, then you have an opportunity to reconsider a potential relationship with him at that time. But you cannot look at NC as temporary or a tactic. Look at it as something that you have to do for YOU! You need to make the decision to go NC, accepting that the relationship with him is over.

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

[Sarabi]

And I am absolutely terrified. I go back and forth from feeling like its what I have to do, to not being able to imagine my life without him in it. The point of me going NC with him would be to give him sort of a wake up call. To realize that yes, if things don’t change, I’m out. I’ve never ever given him an ultimatum but want to make him feel the stress of “its me or her.” And even though he says he loves me, I’m the love of his life, he wants to marry me….I don’t think he would choose me. And that’s what scared the **** out of me.

 

Will I be able to handle that rejection from the person that I love most in this world? What if he truly doesn’t care, and he just goes on living his life as if I never existed? I read stories about OW going NC and MM always at some point tries to call or text. What if he was glad that I left so his life would be less complicated Idk

 

Ladies (or men) who have gone NC, can you give me some advice or the details of your situation? Was it over for good? Did he try to come back? Did he actually leave her? Etc.

 

Thanks guys. I’m just so heartbroken and torn right now. I feel so hopeless. Any advice will help.

 

No no no no no.

It shouldn't scare you that he wouldn't choose you, it should give you the confidence to turn on your heel and walk away...be grateful that such a weak, whatever he is has been removed from the market. Imagine if you were together and he couldn't stand up for you. He was all talk but was scared to defend you...is this a man you want? I have seen mice and rats that are far more brave...

 

In the same way the MM/MW become Heroes or Heroines when they throw us, their evil seductors or seductresses under the bus and revert to their primary relationships, you must also learn to take a leaf out of their books and think about yourself. Forget about how he might feel...when he is lying to his wife and bad mouthing you to save the marriage he all of a sudden now desperately cares about...do you think he is thinking about you and how you. might feel or the pieces he has left you in?

Anyway! Don't think too much about it...I say if you are ready to go NC, just go NC. Don't give ultimatums. Don't bother with last words...just go.

Mine didn't leave. Which is fine. I'm sure they love each other...but at the same time, They are like two limpets; desperately need something else to cling onto to exist because they are incapable of surviving alone. Sorry but its true-This is an observation anyone can make about them, even without an affair having taken place.

NC is not easy...but at least I am not a limpet clinging to useless crap that can do nothing for me!

No...he hasn't contacted me that I know of. After an episode a few months ago he did...but this time no. I think all his emails might go to spam so they automatically get deleted lol

Let me assume the happy couple are in a state of eternal marital bliss this is fine though surely. The married couple deserves happiness whilst the OW desreves to live in mortal peril ...

 

Will you be able to handle the rejection? Only you will know how you feel...you can certainly survive it, many people here have but it won't be easy. But try not to give up...

Will he try to contact you again? Most likely... but who cares about that. You are living your life for you and putting you first, which means you no longer want the mind f@#kery and rollercoaster of emotions or heartbreak that go along with this nonsense. If nothing else go NC to preserve your sanity.

[Daisy2013]

As others have said, go NC for yourself, so you can become strong and heal. It isn't a game to see if he will choose you. I went NC by not answering my phone without telling him. It didn't take him long to quit calling. He is not a fighter and hates conflict. He is weak. Later, we ran into each other and he started calling again. Now he calls once per week as my friend, without going into previously written detail.

 

This is bothering me and causing grief, so I'm about to do it again. I cannot be his friend and having him ask me questions about my M and telling me how his life is dull etc., and M not better, but won't take steps to fix it. Or he is lying about his misery. But this time, it is for me. The difference is it is not to make him choose, but for me to move on.

 

Good luck. It will make you want to die, but after a few weeks, you will feel better. I did, till he started calling again.

[KentuckyGent]

Daisy cant you block his number? I am on Day 3 of blocking and keeping it blocked. I think she got the message when I told her to quit calling so I don't think she'll try again, but who knows---I won't know if she does or doesn't. And I'm doing it for me.