dealing with insecurities

[USN_CyberWarrior]

Hello all! This is probably going to be a bit long, so please forgive me the giant book I'm about to write. I feel like some background information might be helpful for the issues I've been having.

 

I guess what it comes down to is I feel like I've always had issues in the realm of dating. I was kind of a late bloomer growing up; I had a weight problem, horrible acne, and I was terribly shy and socially awkward. I was always a bit of a loner and I didn't have any confidence in myself. When I made it to my senior year, out of frustration of being picked on and never getting any respect from anyone, I joined my high school's wrestling program. I ended up losing 100lbs that year, and I continued working out the following summer and throughout art school. I ended up putting on 30lbs of lean muscle, and I was in the best shape of my life.

 

I went through college, still painfully shy. I noticed however, I was getting quite a bit of attention from the opposite sex in terms of women openly flirting with me and calling me out on my looks. Still painfully shy however, most of the time I'd clam up and get really shy from the attention that I wasn't used to. As I progressed through my degree towards the end, I managed to improve my social skills quite a bit, and I had a few unsuccessful dates. I started using online dating as well, only to yield more 2-and-done dates. I was never really successful because of my painful awkwardness. I'd panic on dates and not know what to say. A couple of dates I'd go on seemed to go well, some very well, only for the girl to sporadically disappear into thin air leaving me rather crushed. I ended up having two or three hookups at social gatherings, which I'm not proud of, and I've found that it's sadly easier for me to find someone that would sleep with me rather than date me.

 

Fast forward to the future, now, and I feel like I'm really successful in my life in many ways. I ended up not finding a job with my degree, but I feel as though I've found an amazing career in the Navy that gives me an even brighter future when I decide to leave. I'm in the best shape of my life and I ace PFA's, I'd like to think I'm still quite attractive, and very intelligent as well. While I'm still shy and introverted, I also feel as though I'm leagues better than I was in social situations.I feel like I have quite a bit to offer the right person.

 

Anyway, I recently met a beautiful young woman on a dating site a few weeks back. After a few exchanged messages, we decided to meet for a date that weekend. Fast forward to that date, and things were absolutely perfect. We had a wonderful night of conversation, talking about the things we have in common, telling stories, etc. I could tell by the way she was looking at me, laughing, smiling, and getting very close to me that she was having a great time and that she was very attracted to me. We finished the date, and she texted me that she made it home safely and thanking me for the wonderful night.

 

We went out again for dinner on the following Friday. The place was supposed to be the best restaurant/bar in town. Had a very nice time, a lot of talking and laughing. I was utterly shocked when it was time to pay the bill; she took it with a smile on her face and said "You can pay the next time" before I could even get my wallet out. I've never heard of a girl doing that before! There was an art festival going on downtown that night, so we walked around town and had a few drinks while looking at people's art work. Got caught in a rain storm while walking back too, haha. Then when it was time to part ways there was a very nice long kissing session before we left. Was a fantastic night. Before I even went to bed that night, we were talking about the next date. We talked the last few days, and have something quasi-planned for the weekend, but we haven't planned out any fleshed out details. She told me it sounded great but she needed to make sure it fit her work schedule before we could plan anything concrete.

 

Now, this was two days ago, and while yesterday there was a sporadic text back to me, I haven't heard anything since about the subject. I also noticed she started logging back on the dating site. Now, normally this wouldn't bother me, but since she started dating me she hadn't been on in the last two weeks. I know it's probably nothing, but for some reason it is driving me crazy. I'm trying not to let my insecurities show, but I always have this feeling in the back of my head that she'll disappear into thin air like the girls in college did.

 

I feel thus far I've done a really great job moving things along without being overbearing. I'm not the type of person to let my insecurities show, and I've never been the guy to blow up a girls phone or "cling" to her. But the thing is I need to stop letting small things drive me crazy. I have this self defeating feeling in the back of my head every time I click with someone that something is going to go wrong. It's like sometimes I feels so great where I'm at in life and I'm on top of the world, then a girl comes along and knocks me down like a row of bowling pins. Has anyone had these issues before, and have any advice to share?

[Copelandsanity]

1) I've had these issues before. It's natural given your background.

 

2) You've been on two dates. The two of you are not exclusive. She's well within her right to check her account. Enjoy the experience, and don't place too much expectations on her.

 

3) NEVER reveal those thoughts and insecurities to her. Women are attracted to strength, not weakness. Vulnerability is reserved for when someone close to you dies.

 

4) If you want a third date, call her up, ask for her upcoming schedule and figure out what works for the both of you. Don't wait for her to contact you. Bonus if you think of something to do for it in advance or perhaps planned a surprise.

[mea_M]

USN, Yes. In the course of my life I've felt many times very insecure. I think its sort of something we all go through from time to time. However, once I learned to love and accept myself as I am, the security came. Perhaps take a minute to reflect on the inside to gain more clarity about self love. The saying is true, we can't love others until we love ourselves. My best to you.

 

Mea:)

[USN_CyberWarrior]

USN, Yes. In the course of my life I've felt many times very insecure. I think its sort of something we all go through from time to time. However, once I learned to love and accept myself as I am, the security came. Perhaps take a minute to reflect on the inside to gain more clarity about self love. The saying is true, we can't love others until we love ourselves. My best to you.

 

Mea:)

 

I don't think it is so much that I don't love myself. If anything, I feel like I've come very far in my life, and I've accomplished quite a bit. Is there things that I'd like to change about myself? Sure. But overall I'm happy where I am at, and I have a lot to take pride in. I guess it's just I have a difficult time connecting with people on a deeper level. Sure I have plenty of "friends", but I feel like there's very few people that actually know me and I can relate to. I always feel like there's something missing in my life. Like there's this void.

 

Sure I can pursue my hobbies and my career, and keep myself busy, but there's still that emptiness. I guess when it comes to dating, there's that feeling that I'm missing a big part of life not having that connection with someone or really having that much experience. When I finally meet someone that I can really relate to and share some insight with, my emotions go crazy on the inside. When it ends of failing it makes me feel even worse. So every time I meet someone new, I'm terrified of liking them and then crashing and burning. It sucks, a lot and really messes with my head.