Still so brokenhearted

[april38]

The A has been over for almost a year, and I'm still so brokenhearted.

 

A little background - We started a light hearted A 2 years ago, but quickly fell in love. After 7 months of trying to end it, but not wanting to be apart, he decided to leave his wife. He filled for separation, and we started planning our life together. After a few weeks of this, he started to realize that it wasn't going to be easy, he was missing time with his kids, and no one from his family supported his choice, so he decided to go back and make the marriage work. This was devastating for me, but I didn't try to stop him. Then a few months later he returned, and we started A #2, but it was painful, and this time he had no intention of leaving his wife. It wasn't enough for me to continue, so I ended it. This was last November. Since then I've run into him 3 times. Meanwhile, Ive been trying to pick up the pieces, but struggling almost every day.

 

A few days ago I ran into him, so we sat and talked. I asked what I had done wrong, he told me it wasn't me, it was that he had gotten himself into a situation he couldn't handle. He said, if had just had to chose between me and her, it would be no contest, but so much more was involved (and I do understand that). We talked about our love and how we still think about each other every single day. We reminisced about our time together, and we spoke honestly about how we are today. Me, I struggle, and him - well, he's back to going through the motions - shuffling kids around, not feeling loved, not taking care of himself, drinking too much, but resolved to accept that this is his life. After 4 hours of talking (didn't feel like more than 30 minutes) I said "I'll see ya", I got up and I walked away without hugging or kissing him (he has asked to kiss me goodbye earlier in the convo, and I said no) and turned back to him and said - I miss you. He looked at me and said - I love you. And I walked away without looking back again.

 

I was proud of myself for not allowing physical indiscretions occur, but I'm just so sad. I'm sad to not be with him. I'm sad that he is living with such pain, even though it was his choice. I'm sad that I'm so lonely, but can't seem to get over him. I'm soooo sad.....

 

I know we all have the same story of unbelievable fantasy like love when it comes to affairs...but how do we move on?? I've tried NC, and continue NC, I've tried dating, travelling, new hobbies, and time....but still I'm depressed....

 

Does anyone have any comforting input?

[KentuckyGent]

I can tell you the 4 hr conversation didn't help and served as a huge setback for you. Although it is easier said than done (I'm a prime example), the only way is total and complete NC. Block numbers, social media, email etc. It just can't be done otherwise.

 

I'm sure he has feelings but he's a liar and cheater by nature so I have a hard time believing things are as bad as he makes them out to be.

[happy stillmore]

The only words I have and they are not comforting (sorry):

 

He didn't love you enough to make the decision.

 

Believe me, I feel your pain. You are left constantly asking "Why? Why couldn't he do it?" That is what hurts the most. The love seemed so real. So true. To me, it was like it was a love that couldn't be denied. In fact, he used those words with me. Yet, his actions said otherwise. I wish I had something positive to say other than take pride in the strength you showed yourself by walking away.

[Lillyfree]

a year out of the affair is a very long time, you should have started to heal by now. you will never do so while you carry on the A in your mind, you might have physically ended it but you are still very much invested.

 

when love is meant to be, it happens. yes, it IS that simple. you need to get out of this mindset that you and MM are tragic lovers forced to be apart - love doesn't hurt.

[whichwayisup]

Does anyone have any comforting input?

 

You got some closure so I hope that warms your heart a bit. He's been honest with you and isn't playing games or being an a-hole either. He chose his family and kids, all that he's used to and worked hard for over you. Yes it hurts, I can see what pain you're feeling still since your A ended.

 

How much time do you spend thinking of him, remembering etc? Is it daily? weekly? What are you doing to prevent yourself from fantasizing and hoping things were as they once were? I know running into him doesn't help, but you need to really push yourself and be pro active about making yourself let go and getting him out of your heart. He's moved on, so should you.

 

Take care of you and most of all, surround yourself with loving and kind friends, people who care about you and make you laugh, make you feel good. That will help you a lot.

[thecharade]

Ohhh, I know your pain. One year out for me, too. I am doing fairly well, but I have my sad days. The star crossed lovers thing is real. It exists. He will love you forever. But, very sadly, that's just how it is. Happy endings are actually not guaranteed. I look at my cousin, losing her beloved H to cancer at 40, raising three young children on her own, so lonely, and I KNOW that "happy" means the best we can do with the curve balls life throws us. Your MM's kids are happy and his parents and siblings don't hate him, and that makes him as happy as is possible right now. Does he hurt over you? Absolutely. But not more than he'd hurt over losing the respect and bond with every family member that he has. And so it goes.

 

The biggest "lesson" that I've learned in all this is that a majority of men feel and act and value different things in a marriage than a majority of women. It's clear from reading here. (People will scream, "Not all men blah! Blah! Blah!" I did not say all, I said a majority. Count the number of threads/posters, check the statistics.) I had to really, fully, totally accept that my exMM and I did not speak the same language or view things the same way. Once I did, it became SO much easier to walk away and not look back. My exMM's view on what a marriage IS or IS NOT just did not match mine. I could write out the long list, but everyone knows what I mean. Once I accepted this fact, this physical responsibility he felt for his family without the emotion to back it up, I could say, "Wow. It's nearly a universal male truth that women can't understand, as either the BS or the OW. The endless 'How could you?' that we ask will never be answered because we women do not--for the most part--live this way and value or believe these same things as men."

 

It's not and never was you not being special enough. Your mistake was believing that he viewed life and love and marriage as you do, but he doesn't. His BS doesn't understand either. Because you are both women and we typically don't compartmentalize our lives. Our lives overlap in an emotional, devoted, all-encompassing way. But men are instead very logical, pragmatic types. We women are stupid for believing they think/live/exist/need as we do. They don't.

 

Accepting this truth would solve the emotional upheaval of almost every thread in the forum. It's just true. He loves you as he says and you two could have had a great relationship, but his rational side finds "happiness" in deciding things rationally. He can feel a peace in a logical decision where we feel phony.

 

Now let him go all the way, knowing all this; let the hope die, so that you can love another. You deserve it.

[april38]

Ohhh, I know your pain. One year out for me, too. I am doing fairly well, but I have my sad days. The star crossed lovers thing is real. It exists. He will love you forever. But, very sadly, that's just how it is. Happy endings are actually not guaranteed. I look at my cousin, losing her beloved H to cancer at 40, raising three young children on her own, so lonely, and I KNOW that "happy" means the best we can do with the curve balls life throws us. Your MM's kids are happy and his parents and siblings don't hate him, and that makes him as happy as is possible right now. Does he hurt over you? Absolutely. But not more than he'd hurt over losing the respect and bond with every family member that he has. And so it goes.

 

The biggest "lesson" that I've learned in all this is that a majority of men feel and act and value different things in a marriage than a majority of women. It's clear from reading here. (People will scream, "Not all men blah! Blah! Blah!" I did not say all, I said a majority. Count the number of threads/posters, check the statistics.) I had to really, fully, totally accept that my exMM and I did not speak the same language or view things the same way. Once I did, it became SO much easier to walk away and not look back. My exMM's view on what a marriage IS or IS NOT just did not match mine. I could write out the long list, but everyone knows what I mean. Once I accepted this fact, this physical responsibility he felt for his family without the emotion to back it up, I could say, "Wow. It's nearly a universal male truth that women can't understand, as either the BS or the OW. The endless 'How could you?' that we ask will never be answered because we women do not--for the most part--live this way and value or believe these same things as men."

 

It's not and never was you not being special enough. Your mistake was believing that he viewed life and love and marriage as you do, but he doesn't. His BS doesn't understand either. Because you are both women and we typically don't compartmentalize our lives. Our lives overlap in an emotional, devoted, all-encompassing way. But men are instead very logical, pragmatic types. We women are stupid for believing they think/live/exist/need as we do. They don't.

 

Accepting this truth would solve the emotional upheaval of almost every thread in the forum. It's just true. He loves you as he says and you two could have had a great relationship, but his rational side finds "happiness" in deciding things rationally. He can feel a peace in a logical decision where we feel phony.

 

Now let him go all the way, knowing all this; let the hope die, so that you can love another. You deserve it.

 

Wow, this really gives me some perspective. I think you are right on point. Actually I think everyone here is correct when you all state that I'm focusing on the star crossed lovers thing, and it's preventing me from moving forward. Whether it exists or not, the fact remains that he did exactly what you said, he made a rational decision. When he left his wife for me, I couldn't believe it, it seemed so irrational, and truly it was. It was a passionate decision, and not a logical one. This was way out of his comfort zone, and as much as he would like to live a passionate life, it's not what he is cut out for. This gives me something to think about that's different from what has been swirling around in my head for the last year and a half. Thank you!!

[april38]

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and support. I've felt so alone. My friends are tired of hearing about it, and seeing me depressed, and they have no fresh feedback for me, so you all have given me a lot to think about. I do think about it too much. Some days are better than others, but seeing him always causes me to move backwards.

 

Hopefully I will feel some closure from our convo, but I think it's just more voluntary torture on my part. I shouldn't have chatted with him for so long, I just didn't want the moment to end. When I saw him, I could have just waived and walked away, and that's what I had planned. But instead I felt a rush of adrenaline, started shaking with excitement and nerves, and forgot the plan. Plus the idea of being so aloof toward someone I've been so close with felt really phony (something I am not).

 

Next time I run into him, I don't want to be rude, mean or unnaturally cold, but how can I make a quick and graceful escape? Any suggestions?