A really messed up situation.

[Kitty1210]

Okay, just for reference and to go ahead and get names out of the way, I will refer to the two guys in this situation as G and A, and another girl as L. Obviously I am I/me. OKAY! HERE WE GO. This is very long but bear with me.

 

G and I met in our Sophomore year of high school, and we started dating the summer before our Senior year. We are now Sophomores in college, we have moved out and we are both going to college at the same school about an hour away from our home town. We live in separate apartments, although they are only about 500 yards away from each other, if even. In high school and even in the summer after, things between us were great. He was (is? I'm not sure) the longest relationship I've ever been in and he's the only person I have ever done anything physical with (past kissing) and I mean like.. he was the first person to ever even touch my breasts under my bra. For him, I'm the first person he has gone under pants with. We used to have sex all the time, and it was always great. We enjoyed spending time together and I would always be comfortable and happy to be around him. We both thought that it would be even better once we moved out since we wouldn't be restricted by our parents on when we couldn't hang out etc. Our parents were never really strict with us, we spent the night at each other's houses all the time on the weekends and never had much of a curfew, but you know how it is. "Oooooo we moved out we're adults we can do ANYTHING".

 

Well, we moved out around August of 2012 and things were still good until up around maybeeeee November? We were on break from college and we were both home for the break because I had a seasonal job and he, well, he just didn't know anyone else in our college town. I think this is around the time when things started to go sour. I worked every single day and often times at night, too. I worked a lot and I enjoyed it, especially the pay checks from it, haha. He, however, has never had a job in his life and has never shown any desire to get one. This has always bothered me but he comes from a pretty privileged family so I can't really blame him. He's never really had to work for anything and he gets the G.I. Bill for school (he gets money cause his dad is in the military) so he still does not technically NEED a job. I, however, come from a house of me, my younger sister, and my single mother and we have always struggled. I literally cannot remember the last time I was ever secure financially. Yes I have more than some people but it kinda sucks when you have to take a family vote on "what bill do we want to sacrifice this month?". Now, because G has never had or needed to have a job he obviously did not understand how it feels to come home after a long exhausting day of work and just want to relax and prepare yourself for the same drill the next day. G always expected me to come over every night, go out to eat (I would be paying every time which is kinda f*cked up), hang out with him and his friends, or just generally the exact opposite of what I wanted to do: sleep. It really drove me kinda crazy during that winter season because literally between November 13th and January 3rd, I had two days off: my birthday, December 10th, and the day after. I was tired and irritable most of the time and I tried to explain that to him in the best way I could but he just could not understand.

 

After our school's Winter break, we went back to school for Spring semester. We had the same classes, we would always either be at my apartment or his, and I was looking for a permanent job in our college town. Again, I was struggling with money and he was just sitting pretty on his monthly checks that leave him with almost $500 extra after rent and everything else. Between searching for a job, school full time and us getting into little arguments every other day, I grew quite desperate for some kind of breakthrough. However, he just started to shut himself off from me and everyone else. It started to be me always going to his apartment to hang out, and by hang out I mean I would sit on his bed and watch him play video games for hours straight. He never wanted to talk to me. He never had any interest in anything I had to say and if I tried to start up conversation with him he would get pissy and tell me that he couldn't concentrate. I have no problem with him playing video games. Hell, I play video games a lot. However, when it got to the point when I would tell him "at least say SOMETHING to me or I'm just gonna go home" he would tell me, "fine, then leave" or I would be sitting on his bed completely naked and he would look at me, and then just go back to his game. Really?

 

Obviously this put some tension on not only our sex life (I was horny all the time and he wasn't interested in anything but video games) but our emotional connection as well. For the entire year and seven months we had been dating at that point, I had never NOT been excited to see him. He used to always give me butterflies and I always looked forward to spending time with him. However around February I just did not feel anything anymore. I felt numb, really. There wasn't (and still isn't) much feeling there anymore and that really frustrated me because how could I go from loving someone with my whole heart to just... being so apathetic about them? I am one of those people who needs conversation, genuine interest and a deep emotional as well as physical connection, and we used to have that. I still don't know what happened between us to cause this change but anyway one night I decided that enough was enough and I could not keep my feelings away from him; it wasn't fair to him and it certainly wasn't fair to me. I told him I thought we should go on a break, that maybe because we were together so much we just needed to give ourselves some space and then come back to each other if/when we felt ready. It was really, really hard for me. I cried a lot. I am a very emotional person and there was already so much frustration and sadness in me built up since the past November and it was all coming out at once. However, on G's side, nothing. He just looked at me blankly the whole time and hugged me a few times. I asked him how he felt about it, he said he didn't know and didn't really feel anything about it and that I was right. Honestly it kind of hurt my feelings that he didn't even try and fight it or talk to me about it or even show that he was upset. So, we didn't really talk for a few days except for when we would walk to class together, since we had all the same classes. I cried a lot. I barely ate. I was just really upset over it and especially over him not really seeming to care about it at all. I did my best to not contact him (and now I'm wishing I never gave in to my desperate for SOMETHING feelings) but one night I was sitting on my balcony and I could see him walking in the parking lot to get in his truck. He saw me and said hey and asked if I had any plans for the night and at the time, I didn't. He was going to his sisters to drink and that kind of made me mad because we always went over there together and even after knowing that I didn't have plans, he didn't even invite me to go. It was stupid of me to feel like that though, I mean, I'm the one who suggested the break and I couldn't expect him to just invite me to hang out all the time.

 

I sat around my apartment for a few hours with my roommate and we were drinking wine and talking about everything and she suddenly turns to me and says, "Do you wanna go downtown? You need to get out of this apartment and get dressed up and go be social." She even offered to pay for my drinks and everything. I thought about it and decided she was right and that I couldn't just lay around the apartment anymore, so I got dressed up and did my makeup and went downtown with her and got pretty drunk. We met up with some of our friends and I really had a great time! However once we were walking home I, of course, started thinking about G and how much I missed him and I didn't want to sleep alone again and, OF COURSE, drunk me calls him and asks him to come over, and he does. We sleep together and my roommate and friends were soooo mad the next morning. They still do not let me live it down to this day. Obviously, me calling him did not really fix anything, just make me more upset in the long run because he didn't stay for very long. He stayed the night but he was gone before I even woke up and usually I would have woken up to him holding me, so that hurt a lot.

 

That was back in February and now it's September and we still are not "together". We hang out more and have sex more and there are still some feelings being harboured but for the most part, things have not gotten better. I have a job now and I'm even the assistant manager at my store! He still doesn't care about getting a job and doesn't understand how tiring working it. I ask him about his day because we have different classes now, but he gives me one worded answers and doesn't bother to ask me anything and isn't interested in how my day was. The only times he ever shows interest in actually showing me affection and being nice to me is when, surprise, he wants to have sex. But I just personally cannot bring myself to have sex with someone who I don't really feel an emotional connection to. I'll have sex with him sometimes if I'm horny, too, but a lot of the times he will try to, I guess the best way I could word it is, turn me on forcibly but of course it doesn't work like that. You can't MAKE someone get in the mood, especially if they don't really want to have sex with you in the first place. Plus, I feel like not having sex with him will be the best way to try and start breaking things off officially because a) I am going to be moving to a town 2 hours away for school next summer and he (no surprise here) doesn't have any plans for his future and I know he won't be coming with me and b) there is this one guy who lives really close to the town I will be moving to next summer.

 

A and I have recently begun texting. We are originally from the same hometown and have a lot of mutual friends. We have seen each other in real life a few times but we never really got to know each other before we both moved. A had been dating L (the other girl) for a looooong time, I'm talking like 4 or 5 years, I think. This is where things start to get kind of messed up. L and I starting talking over facebook awhile back and we kind of became friends and it was revealed that L was pregnant. I was friends with both A and L all throughout the pregnancy and I was (and still am) very happy for them and their baby is so precious. The baby turned 1 a few months ago, and to my knowledge (up until a few weeks ago) A and L were still together. However, when A found out that I was going to be working at an upcoming convention that he was going to, he asked if I could give him a little tour because he had never been. Of course I said yes, it would be cool to get a break from work and catch up with an old friend. Then, I asked if L would be coming also, and he told me that they had broken up awhile back but they were very civil and still pretty close friends. That was a bit of a shock to me, however I still haven't asked him about the details of the breakup because I don't really consider it any of my business. A doesn't talk about L at all and L and I also haven't spoken in awhile and I don't just want to up and ask her what happened.

 

Well, the convention is this weekend and A is probably going to come see me. We have been flirting a LOT and it feels soooo nice to actually get butterflies for once in over a year, he asks me questions about my day and wants to know how I'm doing, how my day has been, etc. which is also very refreshing and nice for me. He is funny, we pick on each other but in a friendly funny way, and he is always the one to initiate conversation. HE ALSO HAS A REALLY GOOD JOB THAT HE LOVES! It is very safe to say that I have a huge crush on him and am highly interested. However, there's a few things that are extremely messed up about this situation:

 

a) G is going to be at this convention also, in fact, we're staying in the same hotel room that he booked under his name. We have some of our friends too but it's still kinda awkward.

b) A knows that G and I are in a strange situation but G doesn't really know much about A other than his name and that he'll be at the convention.

c) A has a f*cking child and I was friends with L, the mother, before I was friends with A.

d) A and L broke up not too long ago, so it's possible that I am just a rebound. But idk, something about this tells me that it could possibly blossom into more.

 

So... what I need is advice about this. I am feeling things that I have not felt in a very long time, even though I am kind-of-sort-of-but-not-really seeing someone currently. Should I tell G about A even though we are not technically together and haven't been in awhile? And if so, how? What do I say? I have told G that there isn't really anything keeping me in this relationship other than me not wanting to leave G alone, since he still doesn't know anyone here. I am almost thinking that maybe seeing A at this convention and me actually kind of excited to see him might be a wake-up call for G, that I really do have options and I do not have to stay with him. That sounds soooooo f*cked up but idk it makes sense in my head.

 

Also, do I approach L and ask her about what happened or should I wait for A to talk to me about it? Should I ask either of them about it or should I just leave it be? L and I were never really close, more like acquaintances, however, I have their Christmas cards from the past two years with L, A, and their baby on them on my fridge and... idk it's kind of awkward haha.

 

And lastly, do you think I'm just a rebound? I wouldn't be surprised honestly but idk my gut just kinda tells me that's not what A thinks of me as. Should I approach A about his intentions or just kind of.. let things happen as they happen? I'm really unhappy in my not-really-relationship and I want to move on so badly and A just makes me feel wanted and interesting, while all G has made me feel since February is annoying and useless unless it's for sex.

 

Sorry that's so long! Jesus. Thank you guys in advance!

Edited September 24, 2013 by Kitty1210

[The Way I Am]

Talking to a new guy will not be a wake up call to G. He's got no motivation in life. Seeing you connecting with another guy might make him jealous and change how he behaves toward you temporarily, but it won't change who he is. If you go back down that road, you'll eventually just end up frustrated and right back where you were when you decided to break it off.

 

Just cut him out of your life, because all he is now is a complication. You can't be free to focus on a new guy, because you're worrying about what he thinks and how he might react. You've stretched things on long enough.

 

Is it going to bother you if L is pissed of at you? Because if you start dating A and she finds out, she might start to hate your guts?

 

If you don't care whether she could be mad, go ahead and see where things go with A. (Assuming they really are broken up. If you have mutual friends, you might want to get a confirmation to make sure he's not lying.)

 

If the possibility of L being mad does both you, let her know you're into A and ask if she's cool with it before you pursue anything.