Oh woe is me (not)

[RickFox]

So it's been a while since I've posted anything on here, I was doing pretty good and my M has still been bumpy since my idiocy with xmw but as I've said before, I'm an empty soul and I'm damaged and that is a part of me that I have been dealing with.

 

So I'll try to make this short (yeaahhh right) and give an update as to what's happened and I'll take any comment as I'm not looking for support per se' and I'm not expecting someone to not throw the virtual axe at me either.

 

So up until the end of the last school year with my daughter finishing third grade, it had been two years since my dday and xmw and I stopped talking. It took me well over a year and some counselling to begin to move past the lack of closure from xmw saying we'd still see each other to her doing an about face and telling me to leave her alone and never talk to her again and calling me a stalker. I removed myself from the front of the school and began picking my daughter up in the back, away from xmw and I'd occassionally see her on the road but she never looked my way and I tried my damndest to never look hers. There were times she'd end up behind me at a red light and she'd offset her vehicle slightly to the left so that she was visible in my side view mirror (didn't get that but she did it every time we ended up like that).

 

I finally got the courage to put myself back at the front, telling myself she would not run my life like that and I would dictate where I went, not her. So it began and I'd act like she wasn't there and she'd do the same thing only when I walked by she'd exaggerate her acting by always turning her head the opposite way and act like she was talking to her daughter (hard to explain but the way it was done was an obvious avoidance move). So I learned to deal with it and it didn't bother me, not as much as it once did.

 

The end of the school year came and the awards ceremony rolled around and I made sure to sit on the other side of the auditorium away from xmw, but that still put her in my line of sight and as luck or whatever would have it, my daughter ended up being next to xmw so in order to get video I had to make sure I didn't get xmw in the damn pic.

 

I left quickly when it was over, never looking back, but those feelings were there, I missed her, missed our talks but I shoved those feelings back down and went on. Then it hit me, I wondered if she was ever looking at my facebook page and I have nothing on it other than the timeline so I left a message in the profile pic section, something she would understand and then I kind of forgot about it.

 

I logged onto FB maybe a week or two later and since my phone doesn't tell me I have messages in the 'other' box, I didn't know until I logged in and saw I had a message from her which said "Sometimes two people can't talk no matter how bad one or both of them might want to. I shouldn't even be writing this now let's see if common sense wins out and I hit send or not."

 

Well she obviously hit send. I responded to her and she said she had created a fake fb page that was meant for me that she had posted songs and apologies on it but when I found out what it was, I saw nothing, she says she removed them. We began to talk a bit, I told her I thought she hated me and didn't care if I existed and told her how she acted and her response was "How I look and how I feel inside are not the same". And it broke me down and I told myself don't be an idiot (but I seem to have that in my DNA already) but I told her I never stopped caring, not for two years, that not a day went by that I didn't think of her and she said she had no idea, that she couldn't read me and thought I hated her (I wish I did). I found out that she basically looks at my page numerous times a day and if I left a message on it for her she responded pretty damn quick...so I knew it was rather constant.

 

So we talked more and in one of her responses, she said "I missed this" And I told her the same and said I missed her, but AAHHHH, when I said that, there was no response, in fact she sidestepped alot of my comments and just gave me the smiley face and then she said we need to meet up so we can talk. So at several times I mentioned the opportunity and got an excuse or that she had plans with a friend for lunch.... maybe, maybe not.

 

We would speak thru FB, she then said she had to shut it down for a bit, said nothing personal and she'd ben in contact. And a week later, she sent me a text (still had my phone number which shocked me) and told me I had a message in my inbox. She said she was worried about drama and even though I reassured her, she mentioned that her H had made mention about checking texts on their account and that he was supposed to go to an ethical hacking class so it made her more nervous and that several of his friends have mentioned seeing her in public (none of that ever came up before when we were out and about) but I can give her that....

 

At one point she texted me and said, "I've been trying to make this marriage work for the past two years, and he'd rather go to a computer class than go on vacation. I'm tired of being treated like an option, so you see Rick, nothing has changed, NOTHING." She goes on to tell me I'm the reminder of how boring her H is and blah blah blah.

 

Let's fast forward this, we talked, and when it was good, it was good, we clicked, just like before, and then she'd disappear, giving me one answered texts five to six hours after I responded to her and she sent me a text , one of those cartoony ones that said 'i want you to walk into a wall while your thinking about me and texting me or something like that.... And then she withdrew again, and even when her H was out of town, and no I wasn't expecting a night cap or anything, she refused to meet me. I brought her sour candy after a talk and left it on her door step and she wouldn't even open the door to say hi. So she withdrew more, and the talking began to lessen again and then I was outside the school and she drove by and I looked at her and she literally looked the other way while driving by me so I texted her and asked if she was okay and called her on it to which the response was she must have been fiddling with the CD player .... and the final straw, for over a week, she didn't contact me, I left it alone, found that her H was out of town again, and while were in the lobby of the school I looked her way to at least smile to her, acknowledge her and once again, the ol' exaggerated look away, act like I'm talking and turn your back to me move is done again.

 

Well folks, for my own sanity, that was it for me. I left her a small message saying I'm not the sharpest tool but I got it, won't ever have to worry about me talking to her again and said take care. I blocked her facebook page and blocked her phone number. I'm back to the rear of the school once again and I realize now, if that woman cared remotely, she'd have tried to reach out to find out something, anything.... but no, as I passed by her today, I got the look the other way and turn your back move once more and it is what it T-I is. And in all that, I forgot that I have a woman at home who does care and her husband is a selfish bast tard but I fear she and I have grown further apart, and even she said it not too long ago, "we're different people now."

 

Anyways, this wasn't to explain the state of my M, it's actually doing okay, was doing a whole lot better till I got a case of the Dumbarses, but I wrote this because I've seen a couple of the guys step up on here and reveal their pain and they aren't alone, married or not and I needed to get this out, for me, to see opinions, to reflect, and so forth.

 

The NC was now done because I couldn't take the ups and downs, the slow responses, the feelings that she didn't care at all and the outright snubbing, despite whatever her true feelings are or are not, this time, I did it for me. I will however admit, I am curious that even if she is blocked, she obviously had another FB page she made before right after I sent that initial hint/message, so I wonder if she will continue by using that one or another one, and if so, why bother. That is my only thought/curiousity.

 

This all set me back, not to ground zero, but it opened up wounds I wish I had left closed.... Like everyone else, I have a choice, wallow, or move forward and survive.

 

My apologies for the length of this post if you actually got thru it all.

Edited September 24, 2013 by RickFox

[AlwaysGrowing]

Does your wife know of your infidelity?

[Grumpybutfun]

RickFox:

I don't know your story from before, but I often wonder from watching similar things happen to family and friends, after the A is over and the M is saved, and you have lost so much- was it worth it? I am not being facetious here, I am genuinely curious about what you say to yourself in the aftermath of something this heart wrenching. Please do not feel like you have to share if it is too painful.

Grumps

[RickFox]

it's never worth it. My wife knows of the infidelity yes. we have been working on it and she knows how I felt. it has been a work in progress and a battle. No it hasn't been fair but up until this point my thoughts of xmw were not always pleasant but they were thoughts

[RickFox]

Few thoughts....

 

I think she got what she wanted... Validation and ego stroking by you telling her you've thought about her for two years. I know you don't believe this is a game but if you'd been more indifferent to her, I think she would have remained in contact.

 

Women like her like to be pursued but to what end? She did you a favor of sorts because you sound as if you would have jumped right back into the affair if she had been receptive.

 

What about your wife? This doesn't sound like an honest reconciliation effort. I don't think it's intentional on your part but it's not fair to stay with her and think about another woman for two years.

 

You can't trust your fMOW. That's the basis for any relationship of value. As I said on another thread, it's one thing to end an affair but another to let your AP go.

 

It's the only way to heal and the only way to really be true to your wife.

 

Let me clarify, I know it's a game of sorts, but I'm not really a game player. Speak what's on your mind, right wrong or indifferent.

 

Up until now, the reconciliation has been honest, it's been a work in progress, never perfect but how can I not think of the other woman when she's either brought up by my W at least once a week or simply because I see the damn woman at the school our kids go to. There are things I miss about her, I've always been honest about that, but not all my thoughts are pure, there was a lot of anger and despite what I wrote, I was extremely guarded when talking to her, and I would not have jumped right back into the affair, even if she was willing, that would have required a big big long discussion and an idea of why, what, how and where it was all gonna go. I think like a lot of folks, they wanted to know if the other person actually cared and no matter how much anyone says it doesn't matter, for many, it does.

 

In a way, what I wanted was some sort of validation, closure, an end, and where Im sitting now, I got it. Will my M survive, don't know for sure, we aren't ending, it's been a long rough two years.... it wont be easy now either.... but .... it's a work in progress and it's me that needs fixin'.

[RickFox]

RickFox:

I don't know your story from before, but I often wonder from watching similar things happen to family and friends, after the A is over and the M is saved, and you have lost so much- was it worth it? I am not being facetious here, I am genuinely curious about what you say to yourself in the aftermath of something this heart wrenching. Please do not feel like you have to share if it is too painful.

Grumps

 

Was it worth it, from an emotional standpoint, no, but I wasn't thinking of that while in the A. It was a selfish things, I thought only of me and my wants, needs and desires.....when you see it all play out and the pain it causes to those you still care about, it's never worth it, but here I am, saying this and doing what I did.

[secretlady76]

I think with these things a lot of it is to do with wanting to know that the other person hasn't forgotten, that their feelings were genuine, that perhaps they still have feelings for you. You reached out to her with your FB cryptic clues and she responded. You both got something out of it. However, she sounds fickle. She got her validation and that was enough for her. Once she sensed you were pushing a little, she pulled back, making it clear to you that she did not want it to go any further. A leopard does not change its spots. She is reacting now exactly the same way she did two years ago. It's that age old adage - "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Well that is exactly what you just did. When will you learn? When will you say 'Enough'? Is the fact that she's so elusive the reason why you can't totally let it go. I reckon if she was mega keen then she wouldn't seem so attractive. A bit like your wife at home. You have her, so you don't necessarily want her....maybe you want what you can't have.

 

So after all this, you're back to square, well, maybe 3, back to picking up your child at the wrong side of the school. Why bother? To her it looks like you're affected by it. Again, validation for her. Sod her, pick your child up where everyone else does. Ignore her like she ignores you. She is dead to you. She does not exist. You need to act like she doesn't. It will make your life easier. She sounds poisonous and toxic, don't take another sip, she'll kill you piece by piece. Obliterate her in your mind.

[KentuckyGent]

Few thoughts....

 

I think she got what she wanted... Validation and ego stroking by you telling her you've thought about her for two years. I know you don't believe this is a game but if you'd been more indifferent to her, I think she would have remained in contact.

 

This. That's exactly what she wanted. Mine did the same thing last week and, like you, I took the bait, told her I missed her, still loved her, blah blah blah. And, also like you, I blocked her number and all that stuff. Good move on your part. Just have to get thru the pain and cold turkey is the only way. Each time there's contact you go right back---I hopefully have FINALLY discovered this.

[BrokenPrincess]

Oh man Rick...after two years! Ugh. Totally know that feeling of hope, relief, etc, when you are back in contact, but there you go, then it pulls you back into a slow-burning agony until its over again. I'm sorry I know you know it was a mistake to break NC but that doesn't lessen the hurt you feel now. Can you summon everything inside you to do your drop offs at the front of school again? Pisses me off...screw her, you can play the ignore game too. Hang in there bud.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Rick I don't know how you do it every day. I totally understand what you needed and wanted, I still sometimes think I want the same - some weird sort of closure I never had with him. I am in recovery too - two years past my husbands infidelity and dday and 4 years past mine - like you, it's been hard and we still don't know the outcome but we are still here.

 

But that being said, as much as I would love to have that conversation with XMM (and I am certain it will happen one day), I am thankful I do not see him every day. I have passed him from time to time on the road and seen him physically once in 4 years (remember my red stripe story?). It's hard enough running into his parents from time to time or his BS's mother.

 

I don't know your circumstances, but I can imagine it has to be hard for you and your wife to totally focus on recovery when this other woman is around. I have a hard enough time with the triggers around my hometown let alone seeing him.

 

I know for us, moving is not a option - is it for you? I used to think it was ridiculous that "experts" advised moving, changing jobs, etc, but now I really do understand why they advise it. Sometimes it's impractical though.

 

My heart goes out to you right now...

[ComingInHot]

Rick fox,

I am trying to understand as I KNOW how hard R can be, but I just do Not understand why, if you have been "sincere" in Ring w/Your Wife, WHY did you put yourself out to her again? Why did you continue communication w/MOW?

Do you have ANY IDEA what this would do to Your Wife?!

Do you care So little for your Wife?

 

I read two things for certain;

A. This post MOW can NOT be Trusted

B. YOU can NOT be Trusted

 

I hope things change for you and your M soon*

[zevahc]

As I've said before...i feel for you. While having the A was wrong..., I can tell you are not a hurtful soul...you care...maybe for the wrong person and your W deserves more. But hey, we wouldn't all be on here if we didn't all have some hang up and nobody is perfect.

 

But my heart goes out for you, hoping you can figure this out for your M. You need to be happy and healthy for you and your W...she deserves that, and YOU deserve that...good luck man. I'm here if you need to talk.

[rumbleseat]

Why are you making a fool of your of behind her back? Does she know about all this latest contact?

 

You have zero right to treat your wife this way. This woman, who has stood by you through all the cr@p that you have thrown at her, protected your daughter from being hut by your shenanigans, who probably thinks that you are trying as hard as he is, and this is how your choose to treat her? You sneak around behind her back to see someone like this ow, who you yourself say is just playing a game?

 

I'm sorry, but it's very hard to drum up any sympathy for you. You are doing this to yourself, and for what?

 

Either smarten up, stop the lying and cheating ( you were most definitely cheating on your wife again, although I doubt you'll see it that way- not matter your opinion, it;s your wife's opinion of what it is that counts) and gett yourself into some heavy duty therapy to find out why you are risking everything for this, or tell your wfe it is over and hope that this ow loves you enough to risk her security to leave to be with you.

[imperfectangel]

I had this over the weekend.... And now I'm looking for a tumbleweed icon pah I'm so over this but it's so hard to completely break away I hate the on/off Part of it all

 

Rick pick your kid up from the front of the school by avoiding this woman you're still giving her the validation she wants from you.

[thefooloftheyear]

Damn bro, that sucks..

 

Its too bad..You should have just dumped the damned FB account..Who the fck needs that shyt anyway...

 

No way in hell I would let her get over me by making me pick my kid up in the back of the school, but handle it the best way you need to..I couldnt do that to myself...

 

Hang in there...She is just a woman...period..Dont let it control you like that..Think about your kids, they are the ones that deserve all that misplaced attention/adoration..

 

Be well...PM me if you want.

 

TFY

[velvette]

I don't really know your story, but how could this drama be worth risking your M all over again?

 

Maybe because of the school references, but as I read the whole thing, I kept feeling like I was in high school listening to the drama of the week. It seems like so much adolescent game playing and for what?

 

If its all about validation and ego stroking, wouldn't it be better to get that in a more authentic and reliable way?

[UpwardForward]

I think it's natural w intimate relationships, to remember the good times - which you have validated with her. Let her 'feel' uplifted.

 

You have no where to go but Forward. And to know your life with you wife is real and with no frivolity or game playing, or fantasy.

[Owl]

it's never worth it. My wife knows of the infidelity yes. we have been working on it and she knows how I felt. it has been a work in progress and a battle. No it hasn't been fair but up until this point my thoughts of xmw were not always pleasant but they were thoughts

 

Does she know of your recent interactions with MOW? Know how you're feeling now as a result of those interactions?

[RickFox]

Why are you making a fool of your of behind her back? Does she know about all this latest contact?

 

You have zero right to treat your wife this way. This woman, who has stood by you through all the cr@p that you have thrown at her, protected your daughter from being hut by your shenanigans, who probably thinks that you are trying as hard as he is, and this is how your choose to treat her? You sneak around behind her back to see someone like this ow, who you yourself say is just playing a game?

 

I'm sorry, but it's very hard to drum up any sympathy for you. You are doing this to yourself, and for what?

 

Either smarten up, stop the lying and cheating ( you were most definitely cheating on your wife again, although I doubt you'll see it that way- not matter your opinion, it;s your wife's opinion of what it is that counts) and gett yourself into some heavy duty therapy to find out why you are risking everything for this, or tell your wfe it is over and hope that this ow loves you enough to risk her security to leave to be with you.

 

Nope, don't want or need sympathy, I know it was wrong. I do see it the way you put it, no argument there. I won't hope xmw loves me enough to risk her security, I know she doesn't....and that's why Im moving forward again.... and focusing on me and my mess.

[Spotme]

Well, after reading your post I now have insight into exactly what would happen if my H betrayed me a second time like you have your wife. The anger I felt on your wife's behalf is presumably a pale shadow of the white hot rage that would signal the final death of my marriage.

 

You've presumably been trying to reconcile for 2 years but you are still so very invested in the MOW and what she thinks/feels. Some of your thoughts and feelings are positive and some are negative but they seem to be all about her or, perhaps more accurately, how she makes you feel. This comes through in all of your posts. Now you have re-engaged (betraying your wife again, something you don't seem to have shared with her) and even say you would get back in the affair if you could set it up that so that you got the good parts without you having to suffer again.

 

Where is your wife in all this? I can't even see her, she's a cardboard cut out of no interest next to the mystery that is the game-playing MOW and any consideration for her if you had the opportunity for the perfect affair seems to be lacking. Why even consider another affair? Why not just move on honestly? Why does your wife mean so little that you would cheat again rather then giving her some respect and setting her free?

 

Why exactly are you trying to reconcile, when you make it sound like such a slog and not really where you want to be? Wouldn't it be kinder to all concerned to put it out if its misery?

 

Oy, I'm clearly triggered by this. I hope you can sift through for the valid questions.

[RickFox]

That is what I am wondering, does your wife know you broke NC? You need to either get rid of FB or put it on lockdown, btw. Sounds like you are keeping it open because you like the thought of MOW looking.

 

FB is on lockdown now.... numbers are blocked.

[RickFox]

Yes, it's been disclosed and that's all I will say in the matter for now.

[RickFox]

I think with these things a lot of it is to do with wanting to know that the other person hasn't forgotten, that their feelings were genuine, that perhaps they still have feelings for you. You reached out to her with your FB cryptic clues and she responded. You both got something out of it. However, she sounds fickle. She got her validation and that was enough for her. Once she sensed you were pushing a little, she pulled back, making it clear to you that she did not want it to go any further. A leopard does not change its spots. She is reacting now exactly the same way she did two years ago. It's that age old adage - "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Well that is exactly what you just did. When will you learn? When will you say 'Enough'? Is the fact that she's so elusive the reason why you can't totally let it go. I reckon if she was mega keen then she wouldn't seem so attractive. A bit like your wife at home. You have her, so you don't necessarily want her....maybe you want what you can't have.

 

So after all this, you're back to square, well, maybe 3, back to picking up your child at the wrong side of the school. Why bother? To her it looks like you're affected by it. Again, validation for her. Sod her, pick your child up where everyone else does. Ignore her like she ignores you. She is dead to you. She does not exist. You need to act like she doesn't. It will make your life easier. She sounds poisonous and toxic, don't take another sip, she'll kill you piece by piece. Obliterate her in your mind.

 

When will I learn, hopefully now. I like this post and will be doing just that.

[RickFox]

Well, after reading your post I now have insight into exactly what would happen if my H betrayed me a second time like you have your wife. The anger I felt on your wife's behalf is presumably a pale shadow of the white hot rage that would signal the final death of my marriage.

 

You've presumably been trying to reconcile for 2 years but you are still so very invested in the MOW and what she thinks/feels. Some of your thoughts and feelings are positive and some are negative but they seem to be all about her or, perhaps more accurately, how she makes you feel. This comes through in all of your posts. Now you have re-engaged (betraying your wife again, something you don't seem to have shared with her) and even say you would get back in the affair if you could set it up that so that you got the good parts without you having to suffer again.

 

Where is your wife in all this? I can't even see her, she's a cardboard cut out of no interest next to the mystery that is the game-playing MOW and any consideration for her if you had the opportunity for the perfect affair seems to be lacking. Why even consider another affair? Why not just move on honestly? Why does your wife mean so little that you would cheat again rather then giving her some respect and setting her free?

 

Why exactly are you trying to reconcile, when you make it sound like such a slog and not really where you want to be? Wouldn't it be kinder to all concerned to put it out if its misery?

 

Oy, I'm clearly triggered by this. I hope you can sift through for the valid questions.

 

Fully understand the anger and no, I guess you misunderstand as far as considering another affair...I don't want that, someone said I was open to just jump right in and I was trying to say that if anything was to develop there would have to be talks and discussions as to what this was and where it would go..... basically if it was going to be another secretive relationship I wouldn't want it... that's what I was saying, or trying to... but it's not going that way and Im back on track with my life.

 

I never claimed to be perfect, I knew I'd get steamrolled on here and that's fine, I've come a long way since i first came here and yet I haven't. I'm a broken guy, something in me is screwed up but I'm aware of it and I won't deny my screw ups....this one is on me and me alone.

 

If anything, it has helped me move forward and based on all that has happened, much easier to put it behind me.

 

Someone said high school drama.... couldn't agree more.

[Spotme]

Fully understand the anger and no, I guess you misunderstand as far as considering another affair...I don't want that, someone said I was open to just jump right in and I was trying to say that if anything was to develop there would have to be talks and discussions as to what this was and where it would go..... basically if it was going to be another secretive relationship I wouldn't want it... that's what I was saying, or trying to... but it's not going that way and Im back on track with my life.

 

I never claimed to be perfect, I knew I'd get steamrolled on here and that's fine, I've come a long way since i first came here and yet I haven't. I'm a broken guy, something in me is screwed up but I'm aware of it and I won't deny my screw ups....this one is on me and me alone.

 

If anything, it has helped me move forward and based on all that has happened, much easier to put it behind me.

 

Someone said high school drama.... couldn't agree more.

 

Ah, sorry I misunderstood about the getting back into an affair thing. And I'm glad (although that seems like the wrong word), that your wife knows. I hope it was because you told her. I really hope that reconciling is really what you want to do and that you really do love your wife. That's a lot of reallys, but my concern is that you can even envision circumstances in which you would move on. You don't have to answer this on here, but if that's the case, is your heart where it needs to be to build a new life and relationship with your W?